Not sure what to make of this

[fringe47]

So long story short my ex broke up with me end February lasted about 5 months. Started as a FWB that got more serious and with the emotional attachments etc etc. Now being a medical student I had exams following Valentines Day and couldnt go out that weekend. In short she got angry and got drunk and she tells me in person after my exams since she planned to stay the night over after my exams that she ended up kissing this guy who had been trying weasel his way in blah blah for awhile even though he knew we were together and what not. She says we need a break and she officially ends thing with us end February. During the break she strung me along and that she was just hanging out with the other guy nothing is happening etc. Now beginning March happens and she texts me to come over to take care of when shes drunk I find out stuff on her phone that was left open that she lied to me to the extent of stuff that happened with this guy during our so called break to where they had sex a couple times, she was still messaging her ex throughout mine and her relationship and he knew everything about our interactions (she did tell me she cut contact with him for good a few weeks later). Couple weeks later she asks if I am going out and if we could hang out at this bar and we end up hooking up that night.

 

Mind you during the relationship I wasnt exactly the best person to her took advantage and didnt do everything for her that I should have and normally do for women because of my schedule I made it more about me then being equals. She always seemed happy just coming over on nights and just hanging out or whatever. But because of my past I was pretty guarded to her and not showing all my emotions afraid of getting hurt especially adding to the fact that this isnt normally how I would start a relationship with someone. She was way better to me than I was to her she was always trying be there for me during my rough patches and while I tried to be there for her at times I was still emotionally guarded.

 

Now I basically did the beg and plead thing for awhile because I did develop strong feelings for her (feelings that she said she had for me few weeks before Valentines Day) and she kept saying she wanted to be friends and she kept messaging me like nothing happened but wanted nothing more than friends. I originally agreed (stupidly) and it was just making it harder on me since there would be so many mixed messages sent during the month. Never actually cut contact during March because she says its too hard for her not to contact me. Fast forward through a lot of BS to this past week.

 

Past 2 weeks Ive been going to this bar that she goes to every Friday but Ive been going with a group of people that includes a girl Ive been interested. She accuses me that Im going to see her which I fully denied because I didnt interact with her once and been focused on the girl that I was interested in. She ended up messaging me the whole weekend both times explaining the fallout we had and trying to be friendly blah blah (mostly I think because she saw me with the girl dancing most of the night. The girl I was with friends even asked who the girl was that has been staring at you most of the night, I told them it was my ex). Now during these 2 weeks I would never message her and tried doing NC something should have done in the beginning but she would message me during these weekends and I would act as cold as possible. Basically saying I dont care what you do, who you do, or whatever and that I am doing me. She tried saying hi to me on my birthday and I simply ignored her at the bar.

 

Now fast forward to the past couple days and it gets very confusing. She randomly hit me up asking about my exams and how they went and I ignored her for a few days to the point where she went off saying for me to stop being immature ignoring and have a real conversation. I finally replied being like its not my responsibility to reply back to you promptly and that its none of your business how I am doing or whats going on in my life. She then continued to hit me up the rest of the day and every day since then trying be friendly and wanting to meet up this coming Tuesday to talk about everything to come to a "mutually pleasing conclusion".

 

Whatever I agreed to meet but then she would continue saying she misses me and that it hits a nerve seeing me but that its better for both of us that it is this way, still hard to see me, and that I still mean a lot to her even after all this and that I am not nothing to her right now and never were and never have been nothing (I was pushing her to treat as if Im dead to her) and that nothing with you was ever easy and the only thing that was easy was running into your arms pretending everything was ok. Sends me more stuff of like I dont want to hurt you again nor do I intend to. Dont worry I am not going anywhere. Even asks what do I want from her, to fix things, or piss off, or get back together, or be on opposite ends of the world just talk since I was ignoring her. Tells me I should go to England with her for awhile so we can hang out there.

 

But then accuses me of trying make her jealous by dancing with the other girl since I said I am moved on and dont care what you are doing, you see me dancing with someone else. She went on a rant telling me I could be doing whatever with this girl but she knows she still in my heart and mind etc and that she knows she still cares for me and have a connection. If I dont care then Tuesday I can tell her I dont care and moved on and she will never message me again and leave it at that.

 

Says she hasnt been with anyone since we stopped talking end of March and that shes turned away every guy that has approached her.

 

Now to make this more confusing for myself I get a lengthy message saying that shes torn between me and that I care more than you can imagine and you dont even know the half of it. She wishes she didnt care about me because it would be easier and dont know what I want from you but hoping talking Tuesday will help. I ask what she wants from me and she says friends even though I have told her multiple times I am not friends with exes. She further adds that she doesnt want to win me back and for us to get back together but want to patch holes and talk about everything that has happened and be able to say hello and what not I would like to be able to greet me like any other friend and hang out in together and talk to each other and ends with asking that I didnt really think she was trying to get back together.

 

I am sorry for the lengthy post but so much has been said the past few weeks that its confusing me. I was moving on when we cut contact end of March and started talking to someone else but this doesnt click in my head. Ultimately what is she saying because she seems to be flip flopping more than pancakes at an IHOP.

Edited April 19, 2015 by fringe47

[SLee]

Hi fringe47. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. An important thing to note that this isn't your "fault". Thinking like that is self-depricating. My break up (3.5 years) is fairly recent and my ex behaved similarly to yours.

 

He wants to be friends and to "help me through the break up" but the truth is the only way the ex can do anything for you is a clear straight-forward wish to reconcile. That's it. I realized after a little bit that my ex was doing what he was doing (long story) to assuage his own guilt. He felt awful for hurting me, he's not a bad person. But he doesn't want to be with me, and "being friends" especially after such a recent break up is ludicrous.

 

Generally the dumper does the "I want to be friends" things for two reasons: 1. To assuage guilt and not feel so bad about themselves, because they're hurting and human too. 2. To keep you around as a Plan B option.

 

Either way it sucks. You're not going to get any "fixed patches" or closure from her. There may always be unanswered questions. And that sucks, but that's how it goes. Break ups are messy. Mainly, fixing patches and getting closure for either the dumpee or the dumper doesn't really matter. It's not going to help anyone, and it definitely won't help you move on.

 

She's being confusing and flip floppy, yes. But don't read anything into it. Nothing she says/does means anything to you except a clear message to reconcile. That's all.

 

Stop contact again and move on. I would also suggest avoid the places she goes. I know it sucks if that's a favorite hang out of yours too, but honestly it's only going to make it worse and definitely don't acknowledge. Don't respond to her. If she wants a relationship, she'll tell you.

 

Focus on you. Focus on work/school. Do the things you like to do. And move on. Don't feed her.

[fringe47]

Thanks for the reply SLee. I have been no contact but the past 2 days been so misleading because of what been sending me like all these messages that seem like want to get back together and what not. But then to straight say no intention of getting back and wants to meet Tues to talk about this so we can be friends. Like I would go just to say dont talk to me unless want to get back together. I am in the mindset where I am not begging or pleading anymore and seeing her at a bar doesnt affect me. My mind has become more at ease since cutting contact and I was doing fine, I mean I would get the initial butterfly seeing her the couple times I did but in the end didnt affect me nor did it affect how I was interacting with the current girl I have been talking to.

 

The only reason I have been going to said location past 2 weeks is because the girl I have been talking to, her and her friends go there as well. So it puts me in a weird spot but I ignore her and dont look at her, basically treat like she doesnt exist when I have been there. I think that has stemmed her to message me the past couple weeks but the past couple days is what is messing with my head especially saying I should go England with her.

 

The meeting Tuesday will not go how she wants it to go that I can assure. I basically will say you dont get to have me as a friend. There is a reason I am not friends with my exes. I am not going be your emotional support and watch you talk to someone else even though you say you havent.

Edited April 19, 2015 by fringe47

[SLee]

Thanks for the reply SLee. I have been no contact but the past 2 days been so misleading because of what been sending me like all these messages that seem like want to get back together and what not. But then to straight say no intention of getting back and wants to meet Tues to talk about this so we can be friends. Like I would go just to say dont talk to me unless want to get back together. I am in the mindset where I am not begging or pleading anymore and seeing her at a bar doesnt affect me. My mind has become more at ease since cutting contact and I was doing fine, I mean I would get the initial butterfly seeing her the couple times I did but in the end didnt affect me nor did it affect how I was interacting with the current girl I have been talking to.

 

The only reason I have been going to said location past 2 weeks is because the girl I have been talking to, her and her friends go there as well. So it puts me in a weird spot but I ignore her and dont look at her, basically treat like she doesnt exist when I have been there. I think that has stemmed her to message me the past couple weeks but the past couple days is what is messing with my head especially saying I should go England with her.

 

The meeting Tuesday will not go how she wants it to go that I can assure. I basically will say you dont get to have me as a friend. There is a reason I am not friends with my exes. I am not going be your emotional support and watch you talk to someone else even though you say you havent.

I see, yeah that makes a little more sense. Like I said, she's doing this for her because she's probably hurting too. She probably feels guilty or likes having you around as support or a Plan B or whatever. She's hurting, yes, and that's okay and normal. But it's still really selfish and not helpful for either of you.

 

That does put you in a weird spot as far as that location goes. If it truly does not affect you, then it'd probably be okay. I wouldn't suggest it though. If you think it's a problem, maybe suggest a different place to go. But that's totally your judgement call based on your feelings. As is a good rule of thumb with all advice you get, take mine with a grain of salt.

 

My ex did similar stuff. For example, he INSISTED on helping me when I was down which was bizarre for me because when he dumped me he didn't want anything to do with me. He wanted to hug and cuddle me, but insisted that it wasn't to "lead me on" or get back together, which was just worse because the only way he could be my friend was to be with me as a boyfriend, which wasn't an option for him for whatever reasons. He wanted us to be each other's emotional support system. He was lonely and being an idiot. He also would constantly "check in" with me to see how I was doing and throwing me breadcrumbs. It was nuts. So I had to cut that off.

 

Personally, I don't suggest meeting up with her. You can tell her you don't want to be friends over email or text. You don't have to see her. Don't feed her. I know you don't intend to give her anything she wants, but will meeting her really help you in the long run? Like I said before, these things are your call. Ask her not to contact you. She's being ridiculous. The whole England trip? That's pathetic on her part. She's being clingy and manipulative. It needs to stop.

 

Do what you have to do. Life is all about you now. Giving into her on any level is only going to make it worse.

 

Good news is, you have your head on straight. You know what you want and that's awesome. Don't take anymore of this woman's crap. You deserve a lot better.

[fringe47]

Yea she has said shes hurting and that seeing me hits a nerve in her and that its hard to see me. But Ive told her I dont care that you're there or what you are doing or who you are doing even though she keeps repeating there isnt anyone else blah blah. I was doing so well in my opinion, not breaking down anymore, not thinking about her as much, pretty concentrated on talking to this new woman, but that bomb that was thrown down of reeling me in reeling me in with all that nonsense and then throwing down the I am not trying win you back or get back together put me back at close to square one. Like her saying what she was making feel like she wanted to get back together got me thinking she really did. I would want to get back together because I believe in second chances and that everyone deserves a second chance especially since I have had my fair share of them. I do care about her and while I would like to try again I wouldnt rush into anything either. I would say we would take things slow and be as if the first time we ever met each other type of thing.

 

Its funny when I initially agreed to friends she kept saying how much she appreciates me because I have been the one constant in her life the past x months and that while I got put through all the sh*t, I still stuck by her. She even admitted to her being selfish about me and wanting me around because she was like her feelings about me is why she wants to keep me around but she knows the right thing to do would be to let me go.

 

Lol dont get me wrong it took me a long distance to get where I am now where I am not phased as much seeing her. When the break up first happened and she grabbed me to talk I broke down in front of her and we held each other for a good while the first time we saw each other since we broke up (unplanned). It is this same spot is where she wants to meet Tuesday. It sounds cruel but I feel like I want to make her feel bad in front of me make her feel like crap.

 

Its unreal that that you have gone through a similar thing. I felt like how she has been acting was a unique experience that people in general couldnt be flip floppy to people.

 

I've told her repeatedly every time she has said brought up being friends that it will not happen. Her response has always been our relationship was different then your past, youve told me more than your past relationships, blah blah. She wants to meet because she thinks I dont trust her (which I don't) so she wants me to see the sincerity on her face which I know means shes going break down saying what she needs to say.

 

I do thank you for your advice, sincerely. It does help.

Edited April 19, 2015 by fringe47