In deep, deep emotional pain (that I caused myself)

[polynomial]

Hello, I am in so much pain right now and I don't even know why, what's happening exactly, any words of advice is greatly appriciated.

 

Me and my ex broke up 1,5 year ago. We dated on and off for 2 years. We broke up a lot but then got back together. Well, until we didn't.

 

Anyway, when we dated, he was a serious workaholic. He used to work all day, every day. He was having some health issues and working all the frickin' time certainly didn't help. He barely had time for himself. You can guess how much time he had for me. Not much.

 

In the last year we were dating, he opened his own car repair garage. All his energy and time went there. We fought a lot, mostly coming from me, how he never has time for me etc. So eventually he decided we have to break up because he can't keep up with this and needs time to do his garage thing.

 

Now 1,5 has passed and every day I have felt guilty about how I treated him, how I was never very understanding and just acting really selfish. Sooo.. Yesterday, by my initiative, we met.

 

We basically just chatted and caught up what was going on in our lives.. And.. Well, he had closed his shop, will go back to live in the country (where he's from), will start eating and excercising, not killing himself with work, focusing on health.. And for some reason, it just killed me? Like, he's doing ALL the things I always wanted him to do.. But without me.

 

Like I just feel like he broke up with me yesterday all over again. I'm devastated. We used to be so close. Now he didn't want or need me anymore. He's moved on. Without me. I feel like ****. Like I don't even know what I was expecting, meeting him up like that. But I don't know how to move on from this.. The feelings of being broken up, they all resurfaced. I feel so hopeless, I can't even put it in words how I feel..

 

Like, during the 1,5 years we had broken up, every time I thought of him, I consoled myself with the fact how he would never have time for me anyway and that he will never change, not at least in the near future. And now, he has changed so much in only 1,5 years and it kills me, like maybe if I would have been more normal, more understanding, more patient, we'd still be together

[fireflywy]

 

We basically just chatted and caught up what was going on in our lives.. And.. Well, he had closed his shop, will go back to live in the country (where he's from), will start eating and excercising, not killing himself with work, focusing on health.. And for some reason, it just killed me? Like, he's doing ALL the things I always wanted him to do.. But without me. .....

 

 

Like, during the 1,5 years we had broken up, every time I thought of him, I consoled myself with the fact how he would never have time for me anyway and that he will never change, not at least in the near future. And now, he has changed so much in only 1,5 years and it kills me, like maybe if I would have been more normal, more understanding, more patient, we'd still be together

 

 

The key words here are WILL. Not "I did." The future is as unwritten now as it was when he decided to leave you for his shop and you were uncertain about the future.

 

You kick yourself over this, but as my father once said "You (both) made your decisions based on the information you had at the time." You didn't know if his shop would have still been open when you thought what you did and it was a source of conflict. Hell, if you had been around, perhaps it still would be and he would NOT be doing what he's now doing.

 

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, his CIRCUMSTANCES prompted this change, not you. He didn't open communications with you to say "Hey, look at me sweet toots! How do you like me now?!" He's doing it because this where his life took him.

 

It could have easily been different.

 

However, ask yourself a few questions.

 

Why did you meet with him? Were you meeting with him to make yourself feel better in not being with him if you had discovered nothing had changed? (That's your ego talking). Or did you really seek him out to apologize?

 

Were you seeking reconciliation or are you?

[polynomial]

The key words here are WILL. Not "I did." The future is as unwritten now as it was when he decided to leave you for his shop and you were uncertain about the future.

 

You kick yourself over this, but as my father once said "You (both) made your decisions based on the information you had at the time." You didn't know if his shop would have still been open when you thought what you did and it was a source of conflict. Hell, if you had been around, perhaps it still would be and he would NOT be doing what he's now doing.

 

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, his CIRCUMSTANCES prompted this change, not you. He didn't open communications with you to say "Hey, look at me sweet toots! How do you like me now?!" He's doing it because this where his life took him.

 

It could have easily been different.

 

However, ask yourself a few questions.

 

Why did you meet with him? Were you meeting with him to make yourself feel better in not being with him if you had discovered nothing had changed? (That's your ego talking). Or did you really seek him out to apologize?

 

Were you seeking reconciliation or are you?

 

I was seeking him out because I wanted to apologize for my past actions but while talking to him I realised I didn't need to, they were already forgotten (and hopefully forgiven). However, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I didn't do it for my ego as well. I wanted confirmation that he's still the same person he was back then and that he would never have time for me, but now seeing as he will take time off his shop, I don't know how to deal with this.. Now I don't have any consolationg to tell myself how this break up was best for us, well, me actually. Mind fuc*k

[polynomial]

To be honest, I feel jealous of him.. I thought I was doing okay-ish, but now I feel I haven't moved on AT ALL. And he's just doing all these things.. Getting a better life. I'm still stuck.. So confused by these feelings!

[Satu]

Try some of this excellent medicine.

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

[polynomial]

Try some of this excellent medicine.

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

I managed to do this for 1,5 years and DEARLY wish I had continued, I know I will from now on but.. What's done is done and it just hurts. Worst part, I did this myself!!

[Satu]

I managed to do this for 1,5 years and DEARLY wish I had continued, I know I will from now on but.. What's done is done and it just hurts. Worst part, I did this myself!!

 

You'll get over it.

 

Don't judge yourself harshly.

 

Walk on into the sunshine.

[Ruby65]

I agree, please try not to be so hard on yourself.

 

You took a risk, you hoped meeting up with him might lead to a reconciliation. It didn't and the price you pay for it now is this pain. But even so, are you sorry you took that risk? If you had it all over to do again, wouldn't you make the same choice?

 

1-1/2 years is a long time to hold out hope -- I know, I've been there too!

 

Maybe now you can really start to move forward. Not just sticking to No Contact, but moving forward emotionally and really healing from the breakup.

 

Give yourself some time to recover from this setback. It might seem like you're back to Day One after the breakup.... but you're not, really. You'll be shocked at how soon you recover from this.

[elaine567]

To be honest, I feel jealous of him.. I thought I was doing okay-ish, but now I feel I haven't moved on AT ALL. And he's just doing all these things.. Getting a better life. I'm still stuck.. So confused by these feelings!

 

YOU don't know that, he may have psyched himself up to meet you, he may have had to give up the garage because he was so upset, because he had lost his focus. That loss my have been so devastating he had to go back to his roots and is grieving everyday but he put on a show for you.

 

Do you truly want him back, or are you just jealous or do you just miss him, like some sort of a habit?

If you think you want him back then you have to also take into consideration that having a small business means work and I guess he will at some point want to do that again. Could you be supportive and work with him and accept the hours he will have to put in.

Taking ALL things into consideration, the work, the fights, why you broke up etc.. do you really want him back?

 

IF you do truly want him back, then you have to tell him straight, do not assume he will get hints, implications and assumptions.

Tell him

"I made a mistake, I love you, and I want to try again because I realise the mistakes I made, and we could be great together and I am willing to work at it, if you are" or words to that effect... He may or may not accept you but at least you gave it your best shot, no regrets

 

IF you are unsure of your feelings, or are not sure that you could support him in his work to build a future, then leave him be, go NC and move on.

[polynomial]

Thank you everyone for your replies so far, I really appreciate them!

[Itspointless]

I managed to do this for 1,5 years and DEARLY wish I had continued, I know I will from now on but.. What's done is done and it just hurts. Worst part, I did this myself!!

I agree with the last posters. No contact is no good if that only means suppressing your emotions. At least now you know what emotions you have to work with. It is good you did this as apparently you needed this knowledge.

[polynomial]

I agree with the last posters. No contact is no good if that only means suppressing your emotions. At least now you know what emotions you have to work with. It is good you did this as apparently you needed this knowledge.

 

Yes, I agree also, guess I needed it to finally move on. But the pain is so fresh again.

[Itspointless]

I am really sorry you have to feel this again. Perhaps it is of some relieve for you that I still miss my ex after a year no contact, 1.5 years after. The fact that it was so pointless still plagues me and gives me a bitter taste in my mouth. But momentarily I have another problem that takes all of my attention. Life will be better.

Edited April 18, 2015 by Itspointless

[BC1980]

I was seeking him out because I wanted to apologize for my past actions but while talking to him I realised I didn't need to, they were already forgotten (and hopefully forgiven). However, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I didn't do it for my ego as well. I wanted confirmation that he's still the same person he was back then and that he would never have time for me, but now seeing as he will take time off his shop, I don't know how to deal with this.. Now I don't have any consolationg to tell myself how this break up was best for us, well, me actually. Mind fuc*k

 

So you wanted to apologize for WHAT exactly? He was a workaholic, and you wanted more time with him. So you sought him out to apologize for wanting to spend more time wit him, yet you still think that him being a workaholic was detrimental to your relationship?

[Satu]

I agree with the last posters. No contact is no good if that only means suppressing your emotions. At least now you know what emotions you have to work with. It is good you did this as apparently you needed this knowledge.

 

I don't see NC as being something that directly solves any emotional or mental problems. I think it just prevents any distraction or further wounding, so that the healing can have a chance to take place.

 

I don't think that NC on its own does any healing.

 

It's very useful nonetheless.

[Itspointless]

I don't see NC as being something that directly solves any emotional or mental problems. I think it just prevents any distraction or further wounding, so that the healing can have a chance to take place.

 

I don't think that NC on its own does any healing.

 

It's very useful nonetheless.

I agree with both points Therefore I think it is good to point out to people that it is good and healthy to face the present emotions in some sort of way.

[spiderowl]

There must be loads of people in the same situation you've been in. People who tried to get their partners to see how neglected or unloved they felt and then had to split with them in the end, only to find they went on to do the things they would have loved them to do. The classic one is the ex who never wanted to get married, who then finds someone else shortly afterwards and becomes engaged really quickly. It just seems to be par for the course in break-ups.

 

Sorry you are hurting now but I bet if you were back with him, similar issues would arise again. It may not be a garage second time round, but it would be something equally time-consuming and which left you feeling neglected - again!

[polynomial]

There must be loads of people in the same situation you've been in. People who tried to get their partners to see how neglected or unloved they felt and then had to split with them in the end, only to find they went on to do the things they would have loved them to do. The classic one is the ex who never wanted to get married, who then finds someone else shortly afterwards and becomes engaged really quickly. It just seems to be par for the course in break-ups.

 

Sorry you are hurting now but I bet if you were back with him, similar issues would arise again. It may not be a garage second time round, but it would be something equally time-consuming and which left you feeling neglected - again!

 

Thanks. This made me feel better actually.