I can't let go.. Feeling massive amounts of guilt

[polynomial]

So my ex and I broke up already 1.5 years ago.. But every day I sitll think of him.. And every day that passes, my guilt gets bigger and bigger. I keep thinking back how selfish I was. I was only thinking of myself. Now, as time goes by, every day I start to understand him and his actions more and more. But back then, it was all me me me. Granted, I was young (20-23), well, still am, but this was my first relationship and all the mistakes I made, they just KILL me these days. I can't seem to let go and forgive myself.. Don't know what to do to find some peace of mind honestly.

[fireflywy]

Hmm. If I were you I would look into the Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). You MUST realize that all you once did is now in the past and that all you're facing now are just THOUGHTS and not the events in real time. Your past is a like a rock that you throw into the water. The rock disturbed the water and now the water is smoothed over. You're still focusing on the act of throwing the rock but the action is done and was done seconds after you threw the rock into the water. Also, instead of being guilty about what you did constantly, you really, really, really, REALLY, need to shift how you frame these thoughts and find energy and awareness to place them into a future lesson.

 

Be happy that in your guilt, you're finding introspection and that eventually, that introspection will create lessons which will provide you with a more a peaceful path IF you choose to apply it. That's all you can really do.

Edited April 8, 2015 by fireflywy

[ruhrohcd]

I beat myself up with irrational guilt for 13 years over how I behaved in my first relationship. Not constantly, but in waves, when I was depressed. I always felt that the relationship itself wasn't the issue, but there was something it represented.

 

That changed this past fall when I read Healing the Shame That Binds You. I heartily recommend 2/3s of the book (there's stuff interspersed that struck me as loony). Toxic shame finally gave me the answer I was looking for - I felt toxic shame and a feeling of brokenness that I tried to overcome through expecting perfect behavior. Once I understood where the shame came from, and why I used perfection to fight it, I was able to let the irrational guilt go.

 

If you were a perfect-grades kind of student or have some other area in your life where you've aimed for perfection, this might be what you're dealing with here. I hope you'll at least consider the idea. It won't take long to read, and it may just be the key to your issue.

[polynomial]

Thank you both for the replies.

 

Interesting about that toxic shame although I honestly have never been a perfectionist. It's not so much that I behaved wrongly that bothers me per se, but more that, now I understand his actions better and they make perfect sense but back then I couldn't really be very supportive and was acting selfish. I don't know, maybe part of me would like to show him how much Ive changed and grown? I feel like I just treated him so badly