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Just Having A Real Hard Night...!


AaronSG

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Normally within these past couple months I'm normally the one coming in here and helping people out as best I can, it's been a while since posting anything in regards to me and having hard times, but tonight I'm feeling that old ice dagger dig into my heart a bit, as I did over 7.5 months ago when my ex-fiancé departed.

 

For the past several months out of the 7.5 months total I've been doing better. Maintaining my two local support groups, every two weeks maintaining my therapy sessions, once a month maintaining my appointments with my psychiatrist, trying to stay active here on LoveShack, reading some "self help" books and volunteering some time each week at a local animal shelter, you know mopping, kitty cat baths, litter boxes, feedings, cage cleanings....I like the work and it's very rewarding to help out the kitty cat's!

 

But after all I've done to get better, tonight some of the old feelings, thoughts and emotions have come back to bite me.

 

See, a couple hours ago I hosted 6 of my closest friends for a little BBQ dinner! We all were having a good time, it's had been since mid April of 2014 since I had been able to coordinate this many friends getting together at my place at once. It was all peachy and fun at first, but a couple hours into the dinner visit I had messed up a little and felt like I was falling behind in being a good host, I felt like I wasn't perhaps bringing drinks to my friends quick enough, or I might have forgotten to bring out a sampler platter when I should. For some reason I started to get a little off my game and then it came............"the thought"..........."I wish my ex-fiancé was here, she made hosting these things so much easier"!

 

My friend Kyle was closest to me and ask if I was okay, he could tell something just happened. I just told him that I was kind of missing my ex a little, she helped make these things a success and I feel like I'm not doing as good of job as I did last time we did this. Kyle handed a beer and told me to go into the living room, he joined me, the others were curious about what we were talking about and before I knew it I had 5 guys and 1 girl sitting around me as if to have some sort of a intervention meeting! I'm not going to boar you all with everything that was discussed. But somewhere along the way the topic of my ex-fiancé's sincerity came up!

 

Come to find out from two of my friends that they had discussed marriage with my ex-fiancé. These two people without knowing it almost had the identical conversation with my ex-fiancé around the same time period, which both said was the end of June 2013 to the start of July 2013! Both talked to her about how she was really throwing her weight around and had really taken over my home and was making some pretty serious decisions already, mainly about who was and who was not welcome at the home anymore. After some rambling with my ex one said if it's so important for you to act like the wife around here, why not hop in the car and drive down town to the court house, pay the $55.00 and get married by an assistant Judge? The other friend when faced with almost the identical conversation about how she hadn't even been here a solid month and your already making command decisions for yourself and Aaron, kind of sounds like you want to be "the wife" right now, find a church in the area that agree's to both of you and get "hitched" already!

 

When these two friend poised her these two different options, which in the end lead to the same destination my ex-fiance balked a bit, some back stepping like "oh no, thanks, but....hmmm....no...that's alright......I don't think I'm going to get married.......why should I get married, it's just a peice of paper, the way things are right now we're practically married anyways"!

 

Tonight I was finally told about these two different conversations from around the same time period. My other friends just sat back in their chairs and were like "whooaaa there, talking to these two, "you mean to tell us that she said she wasn't going to marry Aaron and was happy living in the world of practically"? Oh Aaron, that's messed up! Man Aaron, after everything you did to get her out of her little bedroom there in Ohio and get her here, it sounds like she wasn't going to ever seal the deal with you! My female friend Lisa started going in on "You pay to get her out here, you give her a home, you give her your family and all of us as friends, compared to life she once lived that you helped get her out of and she wasn't ever going to marry you, sounds like someone who just wanted a free ride, someone who just want to come out here for some experiences and some bragging rights, story's to go back home with to make her sound and look impressive!

 

I had to shut all that down at that point, I just told them that I didn't invite you all over here to rub it in my face that my ex wasn't truly ever going to marry me and reminding me about everything I've done for her and her family, thanks, I get it, but please folks let's get back to trying to have a good time without her blowing it for me!

 

Some of my friends approached me before the end of the visit and apologized for perhaps getting a little to carried away with the whole ex-fiancé stuff. I was told their just as hurt for me as I am about the situation, we all trusted her Aaron to do the right thing and honor her word to be with you forever, we thought you found the "one"! It's not on you Aaron, you did all you could, it was on her!

 

About 40 minutes after the party I was feeling edgy, a little racy, more energy than normal. I decided to put my walking shoes on and go for a nice walk to help calm myself and try to ground myself, because everyone's words about my ex-fiancé were echoing in my head.

 

So I'm out there, on my walk, I pass by a local school that has a big field behind it with some pull up bars and such, maybe doing some of that will help. I didn't even make it to the bars, I just found myself with my arms crossed, full on emotional pain hit me all at once, my thoughts raced, my chest tightened, my heart pounded and rivers of tears were flowing down my face.

 

I couldn't move anymore, I just sank to both knees, holding myself, crying, looking up into the dark night sky and saying out loud......"why"?

 

Why did I bring her out here for her to just be satisfied with living a "practically married life"? Why did I move her into my home and get so close to her with my heart, my mind, body and my soul, why did I let her get so close if in the end she never had intentions of honoring her vow to marry me? Why did I fly to Ohio to spend 3 weeks living with her and her family as to get to know my future in-laws and ask her Father for his Daughters hand if they never intended to seal the deal?

 

As I laid in that dark field I began to feel very hurt, because the old reality that I thought a short time after she left was hitting me again......and that was the feeling of being used! After all the experiences we gave her, after all the money I sent her Father to help out his household bills, after allowing her my home, after allowing her my family, after allowing her my friends, after it all.......once again, laying there, I felt very used. The minute I stopped being some sort of weird "sugar Daddy", the minute I put my foot down and stop sending her Dad money it's "game over"! The minute I cut her Father off all the while trying to keep the roof over our heads, the moment I stop thinking about "his roof" it's "game over"!

 

God, I loved her so fricking much, for the first time in my life, when it came to her.........."I gave everything"! I trusted by placing upon her our hopes and dreams......and for what? To have those entrusted hopes and dreams and love to come crashing to the floor! The way she left me, almost making it out to be my fault! I was just making sure we could afford the roof over our heads and be able to pay our bills, the money was getting tight, I had to draw a line in the sand and say "no more".......and it's my fault! Telling me she really never felt that close to my family anyways.............and that's my fault! I never really liked some of your friends anyways..............my fault!

 

Almost everything in the end boiled down to one thing I was sure hearing a lot of it was "my fault" but never once heard any faults of her own! I never once heard a "I'm sorry"...........all I kept hearing is it was my fault!

 

I wish I could lie to you folks and say, no problem, disregard this post, everything is swimmy now! But I'm hurting, my self esteem is wavering and lot's of old emotions came to the surface tonight that I though I had under control. I know my friends meant well and were trying to help.....but damn......it's hard enough having just my own thoughts and feelings to tend with, never to say having 6 others with thoughts and feeling to contend with as well, I kind of feel like I got "blasted"!

 

Sorry for this post being so long, I just needed to talk!

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ApexTitanium

I feel for you man, that's basically how it was laid out to me...

She tried so hard...it was my fault she left me

I didn't do enough...

Everything bad that happened was my fault...

Never got a sorry even thought I apologized to her COUNTLESS times.

I made myself be the bad guy, I took all the blame and got thrown out. Spent the good part of 3 months chasing and doing everything I could to show I cared for her while she repeatedly beat me down and made me feel alone and worthless. She never budged.

 

What happened to you was way worse, you gave that girl everything and she did this. She doesn't deserve you and you are better than that. Dont let her bring you down. She's not worth the thoughts or the pain.

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Tonight I was finally told about these two different conversations from around the same time period. My other friends just sat back in their chairs and were like "whooaaa there, talking to these two, "you mean to tell us that she said she wasn't going to marry Aaron and was happy living in the world of practically"? Oh Aaron, that's messed up! Man Aaron, after everything you did to get her out of her little bedroom there in Ohio and get her here, it sounds like she wasn't going to ever seal the deal with you! My female friend Lisa started going in on "You pay to get her out here, you give her a home, you give her your family and all of us as friends, compared to life she once lived that you helped get her out of and she wasn't ever going to marry you, sounds like someone who just wanted a free ride, someone who just want to come out here for some experiences and some bragging rights, story's to go back home with to make her sound and look impressive!

 

 

Aaron perhaps I'm reading this wrong but my first impression is NOT that your friend's were piling up on you for your attempts to bring this woman positively into your life, but rather exposing her and how callow and unattached she was to the value you offered. I took as they were discussing HER villany, not your ignorance of her true.nature. That is NOT a reflection on you, its a reflection on her. Basically, they said she was using you and the love and security you offered. That's not your fault. We can only see what others allow us to see, and in this case, she played a false front rather well. But that isn't your fault. Not one bit.

Edited by fireflywy
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I feel for you man, that's basically how it was laid out to me...

She tried so hard...it was my fault she left me

I didn't do enough...

Everything bad that happened was my fault...

Never got a sorry even thought I apologized to her COUNTLESS times.

 

First off ApexTitanium thank you for caring and taking the time to chime in here and offering up some familiar words to me!

 

What might those familiar words be......? Oh how do these words sound..... "I didn't try hard enough" and "I perhaps didn't do enough" and apparently when it came to the negative aspects it was "all my fault"! Like you, in the final couple weeks of my ex-fiancé's stay here in Sacramento, I was all over the place in regards to the apologies! Towards the end I did start to realize that for some of what I was apologizing for was a bit trivial and very insignificant to our situation!

 

To be honest with you Apex, last night I wasn't planning nor expecting to look at or discuss with my friends any aspect of my failed relationship. I only had this "get together" to try and "get the band back together" if you know what I mean. And to be even more honest here, the issue in regards to my ex-fiancé's sincerity wasn't a puzzle piece that I was comfortable yet in looking at. In no way shape or form did I want to look at that, I knew perhaps I wasn't far along yet in my recovery to engage that, to investigate it and try to come to terms with it. I was no where close to wanting to look at that puzzle piece, but there I was being subjected to it by some of my closest friends!

 

But let me tell you, I might not have been any where close to wanting to put that puzzle piece in it's place inside my post breakup puzzle, but there it was and let me tell you it mother f**king slammed into it's spot in the puzzle and slammed hard, literally shaking the very table the puzzle rested upon.

 

Right now I'm just in that kind of "numb" state, last night really hit me hard, barely got any sleep, don't much feel like eating.....but I am drinking the f**k out of the coffee!

 

This all just still really hurts! Never in my history have I ever been so used, never in my history have I ever dealt with this type of individual, never in my history have I ever dealt with her type of family before, there's a lot of "never in my history's" here I could ramble on about, but I think what I've said is enough, you get my meaning. I still think my mind is still trying to come to grips with some of it, my mind is still, even after 7.5 months, it's still trying to process the data and spit out a end resolve.

 

Thank you for posting Apex, I really appreciate it!

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I'm by no means trying to discard your feelings of betrayal,hurt,ect..BUT, these are YOUR friends trying to open your eye's to what everyone was seeing from her,except you. I'm kind of surprised that you haven't realized what a blessing you have been bestowed as to not have gotten married to this woman.

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I'm by no means trying to discard your feelings of betrayal,hurt,ect..BUT, these are YOUR friends trying to open your eye's to what everyone was seeing from her,except you. I'm kind of surprised that you haven't realized what a blessing you have been bestowed as to not have gotten married to this woman.

 

Yes Aaron. You dodged a major bullet!

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Aaron, one can easily tell from the length and implication of your posts and some of your activities (i.e. volunteering) that you're a good person that wouldn't harm anyone. Plus your friends' opinions. Please be objective and value yourself for what you're worth. You didn't deserve any kind of woman like the one who gave you up, end of story. You did enough for your relationship and deep in your gut you know it. Let time fix these issues and move on.

 

Look, you'll do better. You just need time, as the rest of us do. Rereading my post doesn't make sense since I'm just stating the obvious, but I think it kinda uplifts to have someone else more in the distance trying to ease your imaginary guilt. Be strong and don't hesitate to post any further thoughts.

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I'm by no means trying to discard your feelings of betrayal,hurt,ect..BUT, these are YOUR friends trying to open your eye's to what everyone was seeing from her,except you.

 

I know now "after the fact" that my friends meant me no "ill will, harm or foul"! Your right, they perhaps were doing the best they could to "open my eye's" and perhaps help me to see the light! And to be even more honest about this, and perhaps being out of turn for speaking upon my friends behalf, but with most of them this was the first time any of them got to "vent" about the situation.

 

I could tell for most this was still a very sensitive topic, you could feel the tension and emotion thick in the air. But to be honest here, for a brief couple minutes I kind of felt like the starship Enterprise that just warped into an area with awaiting ambushing Romulan Warbirds and Klingon Birds of Prey! For a couple minutes it felt like I was taking on direct hits by both phasers, disrupter's and photon torpedo's! I felt like I needed to activate the com system and yell down to main engineering and yell at Mr. Scot that we need more power to shields and weapons we're getting our a** handed to us................"I'm giving it all she's got Sir"!

 

But that only lasted a couple minutes and I realized that with some of these people it was really their first time to talk about it since the event.

 

I'm kind of surprised that you haven't realized what a blessing you have been bestowed as to not have gotten married to this woman.

 

I am starting to see the light in regards to your statement here. Perhaps that post breakup puzzle piece needed to fall hard into it's place for me to start to begin to realized as fireflywy said "I dodged a bullet"!

 

But let me tell you all, I've never been in any type of relationship with a possible sociopath or narcissist, and if she truly wasn't one of those types of persons, she should take comfort that she's training herself pretty good, that perhaps one day she can join her beloved Brothers & Sister in the halls of personality disorders!

 

This one made me feel more "loopy" after, then I felt going into it!

 

Thank you for posting everyone, it's very much appreciated!

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I know now "after the fact" that my friends meant me no "ill will, harm or foul"! Your right, they perhaps were doing the best they could to "open my eye's" and perhaps help me to see the light! And to be even more honest about this, and perhaps being out of turn for speaking upon my friends behalf, but with most of them this was the first time any of them got to "vent" about the situation.

 

I could tell for most this was still a very sensitive topic, you could feel the tension and emotion thick in the air. But to be honest here, for a brief couple minutes I kind of felt like the starship Enterprise that just warped into an area with awaiting ambushing Romulan Warbirds and Klingon Birds of Prey! For a couple minutes it felt like I was taking on direct hits by both phasers, disrupter's and photon torpedo's! I felt like I needed to activate the com system and yell down to main engineering and yell at Mr. Scot that we need more power to shields and weapons we're getting our a** handed to us................"I'm giving it all she's got Sir"!

 

But that only lasted a couple minutes and I realized that with some of these people it was really their first time to talk about it since the event.

 

 

 

I am starting to see the light in regards to your statement here. Perhaps that post breakup puzzle piece needed to fall hard into it's place for me to start to begin to realized as fireflywy said "I dodged a bullet"!

 

But let me tell you all, I've never been in any type of relationship with a possible sociopath or narcissist, and if she truly wasn't one of those types of persons, she should take comfort that she's training herself pretty good, that perhaps one day she can join her beloved Brothers & Sister in the halls of personality disorders!

 

This one made me feel more "loopy" after, then I felt going into it!

 

Thank you for posting everyone, it's very much appreciated!

This could be counterproductive..or...whatever word fits better..BUT..You do seem like a quality guy, that got taken advantage of..Look.. She and her family used you! Simple?..Ehhh? Not really..Either way... You will be way better off without these people in your life,man! :cool:

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This could be counterproductive..or...whatever word fits better..BUT..You do seem like a quality guy, that got taken advantage of..Look.. She and her family used you! Simple?..Ehhh? Not really..Either way... You will be way better off without these people in your life,man! :cool:

 

First off thank you for thinking I am a "quality guy", that means a lot to me and is very much appreciated. All in all, I try to be a quality, not quantity kind of guy. I'm no saint, I got my tricky points, but all in all I'm okay with who I am and what I think I'm all about.

 

And I just wanted to let you Praying4Daylight and anyone else who might have chimed in on this, that for the most part I am doing better. I just think that the get together the other night, there were just to many different voices for me to contend with within that moment and I had a bit of a mini melt down!

 

And everyone consensus here, as well as my personal friends do ring true with the one undisputed fact.............."Aaron got taken for a ride"! As I have in the past around these parts, I could sit here and type a biblical volumed sized post and state as to why my ex-fiancé might feel justified to get all she can out of a person, I could ramble on about all she's been through that might justify things in her mind and perhaps come from a defensive position.....but I'm not!

 

For the first time in my recovery I'm not going to stand here and defend or rationalize or try to justify her and her family's actions and choices. I'm not going to do it, because regardless of her and her family's laundry lists of "they did it to us" or "it's a conspiracy against us" or "we have so little, let's take from those who have, they won't miss it anyways, it'll be fine"! We all have our laundry lists of negative things that have transpired in and through our lives and you don't see most people out there trying to "free ride"!

 

I feel bad for what they've gone through, but I can no longer mentally defend any of their positions, I feel if I continue to do so it will turn into nothing more than some sort of "crutch" that will hinder my potential at a full recovery. So I'm done, their on their own, do what they will to the "next guy", I don't care, I have my own life to live!

 

And as far as requiring any more "post breakup puzzle pieces" to fall into their respective places, I don't think I need any more of those! I think that once in for all I have as many "answers" as I need and or require to help me "move on"!

 

fireflywy's example, yet primitive, kind of sums it all up nicely and that I was told "Yes Aaron. You dodged a major bullet!" I should just count my blessing that things went the way things went, that she and her family are gone now, I can keep moving on and recover and perhaps one day I'll meet someone of the "quality" persuasion and not of the "quantity" variety!

Edited by AaronSG
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Sorry to hear your story Aaron and I can see how this party has re-opened a wound for you. Your friends were a bit thoughtless but that's beside the point really.

 

You sound a terrifically generous and caring guy and you gave so much to her. I can't see that anything at all was your fault: she just wasn't the person you thought she was. I learned something important from a poster here - that people can have completely opposing urges (for want of a better word). Probably at some level we are all split with different personalities but for some it comes much more to the fore and they are recognised as having a real disorder. For most of us though, we just wrestle with our conscience about what we want to do or not. It sounds like your girlfriend was quite split about what her intentions were and may not have realised how much herself.

 

I'm sorry that you've had to cope with such a person. I'm sure that they can't help themselves and of course feelings can change and do, but she did take a lot of steps that you would quite reasonably have interpreted as forms of commitment. It must seem like a betrayal. I can only say that not everyone is like that and hopefully somewhere along the line you will meet someone else and be able to trust her.

 

You offer so much to others that it's not a bad thing to take something back sometimes and give yourself time to get through this patch. xx

Edited by spiderowl
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Just wanted to pop back in here and perhaps "update" things!

 

First off, my appreciation goes out to all who posted here, many of you here helped me open my eye's a little and perhaps see what my friends we're really doing, and that was nothing more than trying to be supportive and bring forth evidence as to why it might have been a good thing that I'm no longer with my ex-fiancé.

 

I've had the chance to speak to 4 out of the 6 friends who attended my little get together. I had the chance to practice some things I'm learning inside the meeting hall of my Codependency Anonymous meetings, and that is "set boundaries"! As gently as I could and with the utmost respect I advised each friend that regardless of the fact that they we're all just trying to "open my eye's" it really hurt. I told each of them that the "truth factor" of it all isn't what bugged me, I'm okay with living with the truth of the situation, what hurt was the fact that I wasn't mentally set up for it!

 

Each of the 4 out of the 6 friends talked to surprisingly agree'd that once the ex-fiancé factor was brought up, things did rather snow ball. Each basically said the same things in regards to the opening my eye's and re-enforcing the fact that I should be thankful that it's over. Also some did state that they are just as hurt for me about this, as I am hurt about it! So I set a boundary, I told them that from here on out, unless I bring up the subject of my ex-fiancé and anything in regards to the situation, the subject is therefore closed. I told them that from here on out, when we have these type of get together's my sole purpose isn't to dredge up the past, it's to be happy, have fun and "live in the moment"!

 

Each agree'd and apologized in their own special way! One went so far to jokingly say "who were we talking about the other night, I cant remember"..........I said "exactly"!

 

Now I just need to get a hold of the other 2 and then we'll be golden!

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