Why do I feel like I'm not going to be ok?

[Km127]

My boyfriend of a year and I just broke up and I'm really finding it difficult to cope with the fact hat he's gone. I spent my entire week looking forward to the weekend when I got to see him. This will be the first weekend I won't be going over there. I feel like I want to cry.

 

I know i deserve better, but i just cant stop thinking about him. He really was an awful boyfriend. He told me i caused drama all of the time, he was so consumed with jealousy that he didn't want me talking to my coworkers and male friends, and he made me feel so unwanted and unloved by talking about his ex. He told me once that he didn't think he saw me as the mother of his children. That one hurt so bad. He made me feel so insecure about myself, which is funny because I have no reason to be. I am a beautiful, sweet, young engineer with super supportive friends and family. But I seriously don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I lived to be with him.

 

I wish I woulda told him how awful he is. Instead, he thinks we broke up because I'm untrustworthy. I have never l cheated or even looked at another boy. I'm so angry because I wish I could tell him how much he hurt me and how I deserve so much better! I hate how he thinks I'm so blame for us falling apart and how he did everything for me. I just sat there and agreed with him when we were breaking up. I wish I didn't do that.

 

I'm so scared of what is going to happen to me... Next week I find out if I got a new job in downtown Chicago and I think I should take it if I get it. I wish I had someone to calm me down like he did. I am only 22, but I feel like I am never going to meet anyone. I'm scared to be alone in a big city. Its been almost a year since i graduated and i thought id be with the guys I am going to marry by now. I'm scared I'm going to wake up one day and wish I could have done more to please him.

 

If know this is for the best, why do I feel so defeated and like everything isn't going to be ok? I always knew exactly what i was going to do with myself and now I feel so scared of my future...

[jen1447]

Those feelings are all normal. Most people don't know this but breakups often cause a potentially severe physiological reaction. It's actually similar to drug use in that you get a 'fix' from your brain in the form of feel-good/reward chemicals when you are in a relationship, but when one ends, it's like detoxing. That's in large part what leads to all the anxieties and stress and despair, because your body and mind genuinely feel f*cked up, not just bummed out. That makes you feel like you're not in control because, well, you're not. Your body and mind are having a reaction that you can't just shrug off.

 

The good news is that it does get better. So just hang in there hon. It may help you to say the things you wish you'd said to your ex here or in a diary or whatever, so maybe do that this weekend as your alternative plan.

 

I don't know much about your relationship but the guy actually sounds like an a**hole, so you'll probably find once you get past the hardest parts here that it's for the best. Believe me, you won't be alone forever or anything like that. You're young, circumstances are actually on your side even tho it's hard to see right now.

[d0nnivain]

Change is hard. You have two big changes, possibly 3: the loss of a relationship, a new job & moving. In the long run the move & the new job will be the best things for you.

 

 

When somebody undermines your self esteem it makes every thing seem that much worse in the aftermath of the break up.

 

 

You simply need to take some time to grieve the loss of the relationship. that doesn't mean you need to get back together or you will never love again.

 

 

Several years ago I went out to dinner with a dear friend. It was the Friday after Thanksgiving. She had just broken up with somebody & was crying that she would never meet anybody ever again & would be alone for the rest of her life. Through dinner we convinced her that she would love again. She finally conceded that she'd date again & we agreed to let her wallow for the rest of the year. After dinner we went to the bar for a drink. She ended up dating the owner of the bar for the next year.

 

 

My point: a break up is not fatal.

[badpenny]

My boyfriend of a year and I just broke up and I'm really finding it difficult to cope with the fact hat he's gone. I spent my entire week looking forward to the weekend when I got to see him. This will be the first weekend I won't be going over there. I feel like I want to cry.

You became dependent...

 

I know i deserve better, but i just cant stop thinking about him. He really was an awful boyfriend. He told me i caused drama all of the time, he was so consumed with jealousy that he didn't want me talking to my coworkers and male friends, and he made me feel so unwanted and unloved by talking about his ex. He told me once that he didn't think he saw me as the mother of his children. That one hurt so bad. He made me feel so insecure about myself, which is funny because I have no reason to be. I am a beautiful, sweet, young engineer with super supportive friends and family. But I seriously don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I lived to be with him.

He eroded your self-esteem to such an extent, that you began to believe his lies. The reason is, we cannot believe someone we love so much would be such a liar. They woldn't deceive us that way, would they? So they must believe it. And if they believe it, it must be true...

 

I wish I woulda told him how awful he is. Instead, he thinks we broke up because I'm untrustworthy.

 

No, he broke up with you because he's a pitiful skank and a total jerk, and he is projecting his failings onto you, to make you culpable, because taking the rap for being so crap, is not in his mind-set.

better to let you think it's all your fault, than to accept even a modicum of blame...

 

I have never l cheated or even looked at another boy. I'm so angry because I wish I could tell him how much he hurt me and how I deserve so much better! I hate how he thinks I'm so blame for us falling apart and how he did everything for me. I just sat there and agreed with him when we were breaking up. I wish I didn't do that.

You can still let him know how you really feel.

In fact, Facebook is the perfect place to reveal your innermost private feelings...

 

I'm so scared of what is going to happen to me... Next week I find out if I got a new job in downtown Chicago and I think I should take it if I get it. I wish I had someone to calm me down like he did. I am only 22, but I feel like I am never going to meet anyone.

 

Oh goodness honey, you're so young! Thank the Good Lord Harry you dodged a bullet! The only way is up, now!

 

I'm scared to be alone in a big city. Its been almost a year since i graduated and i thought id be with the guys I am going to marry by now. I'm scared I'm going to wake up one day and wish I could have done more to please him.

Marry?? At your age?! I got married at 21. The biggest, by far, mistake I ever made in my life! When I divorced my then husband, I made a determined decision that marriage was definitely OFF the table for at least 5 years! I stuck to that, and I'm thrilled I did! Girl, live a little in that big city, before even thinking of committing to a life with just one S.O.!

 

If know this is for the best, why do I feel so defeated and like everything isn't going to be ok? I always knew exactly what i was going to do with myself and now I feel so scared of my future...

That's because he made you believe, and managed to convince you he was right. He wasn't. He lied.

You know what you think about yourself?

That's true.

Swing with that, it's far better.

[Bronkz]

You will be ok. Your brain is currently trying to cope with massive loss. It does that by doing the exact opposite of what you need. It tells you that what you lost is what you need more than anything, which isn't true. It's hard to grasp i know.

 

After 2 months of crying and trying to understand, i called my doc. Told him that im in pain and spiraling downwards even though i don't drink. I eat well, workout alot and have awesome friends. He asked "did you love her?"

 

Yes i said, we were getting a flat with extra room for kids and all was peachy. He told me that it was important that i treated this like very very seriousl illness. Such an amazing guy. And he gave me a number to a therapist. Someone from the outside with tools to guide me in this maze of emotions.

 

Best decision of my life to accept that. Friends and family can only do so much, they are emotionally attached and biased. A therapist can really focus on whats important. You.

 

And i saw this docu that a friend recommended, and i just let out a sigh of relief. It's all going to be ok, but it takes time. Gather your thoughts.

 

It's on a Swedish site. Not sure if it works wherever you are, (I'm in Sweden atm).

 

If you can't watch it, let me know, and ill dig it up elsewhere.

 

 

Krossat hjärta i New York - UR.se

 

"With a broken heart in New York"

 

Many hugs and it will be fine. Promise.

 

I'm still sad that the relationship didnt work, but strangely enough its not connected to her anymore, its just a feeling, and every day it gets less.

 

Do let me know if it's not viewable. Best thing i've seen in years.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Bronkz

[MyEvilTwin]

Well...the second a guy told me that I didn't "look like the mother of his children" I would have dumped his sorry behind right then and there and never looked back.

You suffer from low self esteem, and he is a leech that sucked on that. He's a sadist.

Chicago is a great town!