hopeto Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Hi. Been a min since I posted last. Lots has changed for me. I was Madrid to my husband for 18 years been together for 22. Read my other post u will get the just of the picture. Ex committed suicide in 2010. Here's what I need. We adopted a child in 2001. Brought her home from the hospital. I cut the cord,was in labor and delivery and I never left her side. Her dad and I intended on telling her. However he died and left me holding the bag. I could not tell her she was adopted after all she had been thru. Fast forward she's 14 now and found a journal I wrote long ago. She knows now. I don't know how to feel nor what to do my baby yet again is hurting beyond hurt. What do I do. How can I mind her I want to be her birth mother she's mine I love her with every thing in me. Where to I go from here. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm not sure what you should tell her. What were you planning to tell her if your husband was still alive? Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I am sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I am adopted and I did always know. I am also a mother. Time can't be rewound so the only thing to do is address this as it is. I would take some time with her, just the two of you. Can you spend a couple days on retreat together? Even if you stay home with her for a couple of days. Be available to answer all her questions, listen to how she feels. Time, your actions and insistence on your love for her will heal. Also, I highly recommend therapy for her alone at first with some integration with you when it becomes appropriate. You are her mother. She is in shock for finding out that you have deceived her and will at some point have questions about her biological family. Give her the love that only you as her mother can. Help her to sort through her emotions and be honest about everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Thank you hopeto for sharing your story. The situation you find yourself in is not unusual and one that most adoption families have to face at some point - when and how do we let our child know they are adopted. In your case, "how do I help my daughter get through this now that she knows?" The best thing to do is admit you need some help to get through this together - you and your daughter. A professional counselor who has experience with adoption would be great. I know of a faith-based organization that offers a free counseling service. If you want more information just send me a private message. Otherwise please understand that your daughter has to work through her feelings. Open and honest communication is always best. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeto Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Thank you so very much for your replies. I want to now say we talked a little about it, not much I am letting her be the one. we did go to a counselor, one we have been touching base with, and she said now that it is out how do you feel. My daughter pipes up and says well I have known for a year. Then she says she has just dealt with it. The counselor says, well mom now you know she knows, and she is ok with it. Then the counselor says "if she does not want to go to counseling don't make her." I want to say I am a basket case, I cry all night and all day. I struggled for years to have a baby. I went through 5 miss carriages. Then GOD blessed me with my baby girl. There is not a day that has not gone by that I have not cared for her. kissed her bo bo's, whipped her tears and picked her up. I taught her everything she knows. ONE BIG MISTAKE how to hide her feelings. How to pick her lip up and roll on. PLEASE PLEASE I am dying inside. I don't know what to think, or even do any more. My daughter seems more happy now than she has been in a while, Its like we get along better. I love her and my WORST FEAR is, she is gonna leave me and never love me back. I had nothing growing up. all the men in my family hurt me, mental and physical. I married at 17 started dating him at 13 1/2. He was my soul mate. Then he does the unthinkable to. see last post from long ago. I still was willing to try if he got help. I only agreed to that cause it was no more than the computer. We divorced, it was bitter. very bitter. my poor daughter struggled through that. Then he killed himself leaving her with the feeling no one loved him.. That was his last words to his 6 year old. Now at 14 she finds out she is adopted. This kid has been there and been through it. I don't know what to do but just love her. I was all about telling her before her before her daddy died. We were gonna tell her together. I want a take back. I don't want her to know she was adopted. I want her to feel like she came from my womb. I wonna be her birth mother I take it back I don't want her to know. I know there is a reason and a purpose but I don't wonna hear it now. I am so lost. thank you so much for just listing. I know I don't wonna get out of bed. I don't wonna go to work. I don't wonna have to face her, for her to look at me and think your not my mother. I would be so crushed if she said that. How do I function is my question. I see that she is ok. but is she dying inside like me. Cause if she feels like I do its bleek. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeto Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 I don't rely know how to get the private messages turned on but I am not at all far from getting information, Please send it to me. I am dying inside. Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 You can turn on private messages by clicking on your Username and then choosing "My Profile/Options". Or you can send an e-mail to Loveshack and ask for help doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 You daughter doesn't feel the same way that you do because she's not you. Why would you say such a thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeto Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 First let me say nothing in my post was in any way shape form or fashion bad towards my daughter!! She's the best thing that ever happened to me not sure what U ment "to say such a thing"...??? I'm saying I've taught her to just be numb to emotion. Or I feel she's not ok that she's hidden behind a happy face. I never want her to be sad. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 First let me say nothing in my post was in any way shape form or fashion bad towards my daughter!! She's the best thing that ever happened to me not sure what U ment "to say such a thing"...??? I'm saying I've taught her to just be numb to emotion. Or I feel she's not ok that she's hidden behind a happy face. I never want her to be sad. You said you look at her and see she is okay but then wonder if she is dying inside like you are. I said she's not you so why would you say she feels and acts the same way that you do? She doesn't. She is her...a child and you are you...an adult. If she's happy and she's okay then you should be glad about that. That's what most parents want for their children is for them to be happy and okay. What does she do for fun? What interests her? Does she play sports or have a crush on any boys? How does she do in school? Link to post Share on other sites
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I think you are worrying a bit too much about this. My cousin was adopted. He went through a fair bit trying to deal with it and I'm sure it put a strain on the family. He joined the Army straight out of high school, and about a year later his adoptive father was hospital bound with cancer. He got permission from his commanding officer to come home to be with his dad while he passed. He flew home with nothing except for the clothes he was wearing because he wanted to be by his dad's side. After his father died his commanding officer gave him the option to be honorably discharged. He didn't want to quit because he said his dad taught him not to quit, he needed to finish what he started. Biologically he's not really my cousin and the people who raised him aren't his parents. But to him, his dad died of cancer and he is still very close with his mom. I think you're daughter will come to the same or similar conclusion once she copes with everything now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeto Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 You said you look at her and see she is okay but then wonder if she is dying inside like you are. I said she's not you so why would you say she feels and acts the same way that you do? She doesn't. She is her...a child and you are you...an adult. If she's happy and she's okay then you should be glad about that. That's what most parents want for their children is for them to be happy and okay. What does she do for fun? What interests her? Does she play sports or have a crush on any boys? How does she do in school? I am either reading this wrong or you are reading this wrong. the quote " I wonder if she is dying inside" I meant does she hate me, or wants to leave, or blames God etc. My daughter is very active in sports, straight a's and b's and she is her own person strong, honest, loving and kind but I also know that the news is devastating to her. specially with a response of why was I not wanted. If I could take it back I would I would never want her to know. not now not ever. I want her to feel like she came from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Thank you for sharing this. I will be in a similar position in a few years. I have always intended to tell my youngest she is adopted. My hope is that if i am honest and loving then she will work out things herself with my support. Let me/us, know how it goes. TC. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) am adopted, i think you are panicking tbh, unlesss you abuse her, she will be in your life ok this is not really abusive but am not sure about the way you describe her as "piping up" at the counsellor, she has a right to say what she wants without scorn, but that is one item only, too many bad words and it is only a matter of time before you get lost my two cents, be her wing-woman and guide, all kids need them Edited May 20, 2015 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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