Now I have a letter...

[VanessaVanessa]

So yesterday after I got home from studying my mother told me some letters had arrived for me. I grabbed them off her expecting an appointment letter and kept on walking to my room . The appointment letter was there and then I saw the other letter and I saw the from section, being from my ex. I stopped seeing his name. It made me stop in my tracks but I quickly headed to my room. I just stared at the envelope, scanning his name, scanning the postage date, scanning the stamps. It is actually from him. It's been just over a year since the last communication I had from him. Months ago when I would get letters and double check them I'd see there werent any more. Recently, and especially yesterday I had zero anticipation, zero regard and suddenly I see that letter. I noticed it's stamped as express. This is strange to me because the last letter I posted to him was sent express -- that was in early November, when I sent a brief birthday note. I don't know why I decided to even send anything at all but I did. I never received a response, did not really expect it.

 

So when I see the letter saying express I just wonder if he is sort of mimicking my letter. But it is dated as posted a few weeks ago. My concern is that it's simply a really late reply to my last letter. I just wonder what is in it. I have put it away and it remains unopened. I have told myself I will wait for the weekend. I'm not quite sure why.

 

He lives in another country and I was the one to end things after he hurt me. We broke up 18 months ago and only had minimal contact a few months after the BU. Like I said, it's been over a year since I last heard from him.

 

I just don't know what I will read.

 

Sorry I know this is long. I just need to gather thoughts

[Toodaloo]

Do you want to read it?

 

If so read it.

 

I don't know the back ground but something in me is saying that you need to stop the letters thing. Read it digest it and then leave it alone.

[VanessaVanessa]

Well a part of me wants to read it

 

I only wrote that one letter in a 12 month span, it was more of a note actually. We hadn't communicated in over a year aside.

 

It's difficult because I don't want to take 10 steps back even if it has been so long.

[Toodaloo]

Then leave the letter unopened and tuck it away at the back of your wardrobe and stop thinking about it.

 

Concentrate on getting on and doing things and moving on as you were...

 

One day in several years time when you are well and truly over it and feel nothing you will find it, probably by accident, and be able to read it, but for now it can just stay at the back of your wardrobe.

[elaine567]

I would read it, you don't know what it may contain.

It may just be a short note in reply to yours, it may be a novel re your relationship, but he may be ill, he may even be dying...

I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, but imagine how you would feel 3 years later, when you decided to open it and it was too late to do anything.

[Jimmyjackson]

I would read it, you don't know what it may contain.

It may just be a short note in reply to yours, it may be a novel re your relationship, but he may be ill, he may even be dying...

I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, but imagine how you would feel 3 years later, when you decided to open it and it was too late to do anything.

 

I agree, read it with an open mind and see what it says, then decide what to do afterwards. You could ask the LS members their opinion on what it says too.

[VanessaVanessa]

Elaine and Jimmy youre right and something as dramatic as that even has crossed my mind. This is why I will open it. I'm just going to wait a few more days to open it, I have some assignments that need to get done for the rest of the week and if I I read something that's not good I may get distracted - I know I will get distracted. I'm just trying to do some possible damage control I suppose. I'm surprised I haven't had a severe urge to just rip it open yet, because there was a time where I was dying to get anything from him, bread crumbs. If he only knew how much it would have meant back then. I still feel curious, but now I have an element of caution.

 

I will write back here in a few days time with an update.

 

Thanks again.

[VanessaVanessa]

I read the letter, I just don't know what to make of it now. Hope someone can give me some opinion. This will be a long post but hope some of you can bear with me. I will write what he wrote to me, I'm translating it from his original language as best as possible.

 

"Hope you can read this with a smile on your face.

 

So much time has passed that I strongly doubted whether to write you or not, I sent you some letters I never received a reply until in your last letter you mentioned what happened. I attempted to communicate with you in other forms for example I wrote to your email and again I did not get any reply. I wrote to your friend (I don't speak with her any longer) many times to asking about you always with the same answer, that you were not communicating.

 

The truth is that it's difficult for me to write you, I would like very much to see you, talk to you or something like that. One of these days I attempted to call you but with my credit it only lasted 3 seconds. When I received your letter I was very happy I finally knew you were ok. There are so many things I want to tell you I don't know if you can activate your Whatsapp, my number is _____.

 

I want to tell you that you are very important, I still keep our photos, our messages, I remember the time that I met you, everything. Please take the time to write me.

 

After you left I had an accident I injured my spine, it was a few months after I last saw you, that is why I am telling you. Again I tried to contact your friend to get in touch but they could not give me any news about you.

 

I write you because I think it is time to do it. Contact me on Whatsapp please and if not keep my number. I care about you and you are always in my heart."

 

 

 

So that is the letter. I just don't know what I feel. I was pretty nervous in opening the letter and then I just pushed myself to read it. I wish I could believe what he says, some of the things are confusing to me.

He said that he was in an accident a few months after last "seeing" me, but I was with him for 5 months after he last "saw" me since we became long distance. I don't know if he made a mistake and meant since I last heard of you/since we broke up. Besides, that made me worry but I don't know what sort of accident he means. Another thing is that he really only emailed me once in which he said he had posted a letter to me, I never received that letter or any after that and so I never replied to his email. I tried so hard to begin no contact in that time. He had my mother's email but he never wrote her again (if he really wanted to get in touch). The truth is that I blocked him on all social media (I deleted my FB and it remains so to this day, I blocked and deleted his whatsapp, skype). I was hurt. But he always had my address and now I get a letter. I can't know for sure how many times he wrote, but how could a year span of letters all get lost, I just don't know.

 

When he wrote "I never received a reply until in your last letter you mentioned what happened" he is referring to the birthday note I wrote in November I assume; I briefly mentioned that I had never received mail as as he said he sent in that last email to me.

 

When he wrote his number I was surprised to see he still has his same number (pathetic I actually still memorise it off by heart).

 

This is a guy who I had plans of paying his flight to me so we could see each other again. When I was in his country he lead on that he would save up so he could be with me, that is why I started this relationship with him. I came to find out he wasn't trustworthy after certain events and I just couldn't handle having invested so much hope into him and it seemed he had become more careless. I broke up with him in hopes of seeing him try and fight for it but then I would know what it means to gamble on that. Well for the time that I had my old number I never got any calls or at least they never got through. I wanted him to try and make it work again but when I would stalk his fb using a fake account just a few weeks after the break up I would see him posting photos of him looking so different/showing himself off. He was also flirting through comments with some other girl. I could not believe what I was seeing, it was such a painful experience, and now remembering it does not feel that much better. He seemed so different. I felt like his true colours came out. I never imagined he would be that way.

 

After the break up some people in my community that knew about him would ask about how the plans were going and I would be so embarrassed to say that that wasn't happening any longer. People and even my family even thought it was a joke when I revealed I was long distance with someone of that country but I always tried to brush it off because I cared for him and loved him. But those people in the end turned out to have a more accurate understanding. I never went into details with anyone about what happened. I just learnt to silently deal with the extraordinary pain. He was my first relationship.

All this time I have reflected that I was just too gullible and all those things.

 

I just don't understand what his real motivation is. How can he say some things to me when I know what he was doing behind the scenes (like online). I am positive that he has had a girlfriend in this time. I feel totally pathetic that I can't even say to him "hey, I've moved on and I'm in a new relationship now". A part of me would love to be able to just throw that out there but it's not true. I'm just crying now remembering what silly hope I had.

 

I just wonder what does he really want to tell me?

I even ponder whether it is just that he has broken up with someone recently and is only now thinking about me.

 

I know I have rambled but I feel so sad about the vagueness and unspecific form of his letter.

Edited March 27, 2015 by VanessaVanessa

[Jimmyjackson]

I read the letter, I just don't know what to make of it now. Hope someone can give me some opinion. This will be a long post but hope some of you can bear with me. I will write what he wrote to me, I'm translating it from his original language as best as possible.

 

"Hope you can read this with a smile on your face.

 

So much time has passed that I strongly doubted whether to write you or not, I sent you some letters I never received a reply until in your last letter you mentioned what happened. I attempted to communicate with you in other forms for example I wrote to your email and again I did not get any reply. I wrote to your friend (I don't speak with her any longer) many times to asking about you always with the same answer, that you were not communicating.

 

The truth is that it's difficult for me to write you, I would like very much to see you, talk to you or something like that. One of these days I attempted to call you but with my credit it only lasted 3 seconds. When I received your letter I was very happy I finally knew you were ok. There are so many things I want to tell you I don't know if you can activate your Whatsapp, my number is _____.

 

I want to tell you that you are very important, I still keep our photos, our messages, I remember the time that I met you, everything. Please take the time to write me.

 

After you left I had an accident I injured my spine, it was a few months after I last saw you, that is why I am telling you. Again I tried to contact your friend to get in touch but they could not give me any news about you.

 

I write you because I think it is time to do it. Contact me on Whatsapp please and if not keep my number. I care about you and you are always in my heart."

 

 

 

So that is the letter. I just don't know what I feel. I was pretty nervous in opening the letter and then I just pushed myself to read it. I wish I could believe what he says, some of the things are confusing to me.

He said that he was in an accident a few months after last "seeing" me, but I was with him for 5 months after he last "saw" me since we became long distance. I don't know if he made a mistake and meant since I last heard of you/since we broke up. Besides, that made me worry but I don't know what sort of accident he means. Another thing is that he really only emailed me once in which he said he had posted a letter to me, I never received that letter or any after that and so I never replied to his email. I tried so hard to begin no contact in that time. He had my mother's email but he never wrote her again (if he really wanted to get in touch). The truth is that I blocked him on all social media (I deleted my FB and it remains so to this day, I blocked and deleted his whatsapp, skype). I was hurt. But he always had my address and now I get a letter. I can't know for sure how many times he wrote, but how could a year span of letters all get lost, I just don't know.

 

When he wrote "I never received a reply until in your last letter you mentioned what happened" he is referring to the birthday note I wrote in November I assume; I briefly mentioned that I had never received mail as as he said he sent in that last email to me.

 

When he wrote his number I was surprised to see he still has his same number (pathetic I actually still memorise it off by heart).

 

This is a guy who I had plans of paying his flight to me so we could see each other again. When I was in his country he lead on that he would save up so he could be with me, that is why I started this relationship with him. I came to find out he wasn't trustworthy after certain events and I just couldn't handle having invested so much hope into him and it seemed he had become more careless. I broke up with him in hopes of seeing him try and fight for it but then I would know what it means to gamble on that. Well for the time that I had my old number I never got any calls or at least they never got through. I wanted him to try and make it work again but when I would stalk his fb using a fake account just a few weeks after the break up I would see him posting photos of him looking so different/showing himself off. He was also flirting through comments with some other girl. I could not believe what I was seeing, it was such a painful experience, and now remembering it does not feel that much better. He seemed so different. I felt like his true colours came out. I never imagined he would be that way.

 

After the break up some people in my community that knew about him would ask about how the plans were going and I would be so embarrassed to say that that wasn't happening any longer. People and even my family even thought it was a joke when I revealed I was long distance with someone of that country but I always tried to brush it off because I cared for him and loved him. But those people in the end turned out to have a more accurate understanding. I never went into details with anyone about what happened. I just learnt to silently deal with the extraordinary pain. He was my first relationship.

All this time I have reflected that I was just too gullible and all those things.

 

I just don't understand what his real motivation is. How can he say some things to me when I know what he was doing behind the scenes (like online). I am positive that he has had a girlfriend in this time. I feel totally pathetic that I can't even say to him "hey, I've moved on and I'm in a new relationship now". A part of me would love to be able to just throw that out there but it's not true. I'm just crying now remembering what silly hope I had.

 

I just wonder what does he really want to tell me?

I even ponder whether it is just that he has broken up with someone recently and is only now thinking about me.

 

I know I have rambled but I feel so sad about the vagueness and unspecific form of his letter.

 

Why did you break up, if you don't mind me asking?

[dyna85]

I can't imagine going these great spans of time and continuing to keep in touch intermittently. What's the point?

 

S--- or get off the pot. I mean, no offense, but seriously.

[VanessaVanessa]

Why did you break up, if you don't mind me asking?

 

It's a complex thing to explain, but basically I felt he was becoming distant and careless. I asked him several times to sort out his visa and he just kept on putting it off which made me think he was not all that prepared or willing. We had an argument once and straight after it he posted up photos of himself smoking (which he knew I did/do not value) on social media. Towards the end he kept on cancelling our skype "dates" and at times when I would offer to call him (which was expensive because of where he lives) he would decline or put it off. I did not mind paying but I saw that he wasn't considering the monetary aspects I was going through to try and keep up with him; it was not cheap for me in other words.

 

His work had me feeling very insecure I admit. I expressed this to him and he told me I shouldn't worry. He was working as a bartender which he begun when we became LD. I tried hard to brush away what I felt about it and for a while I did, but then he would tell me things which did not add up. In the end I had this strong feeling/intuition where I thought he was actually working at a night club, which of course is what made me insecure. I have no concrete proof about it but sometimes you can tell when something is not totally right.

[VanessaVanessa]

I can't imagine going these great spans of time and continuing to keep in touch intermittently. What's the point?

 

S--- or get off the pot. I mean, no offense, but seriously.

 

This keeping in touch has not been planned, it's not as if I'm purposely keeping it up.

I understand your point but you are assuming I have been dragging this?

[Acacia98]

VanessaVanessa, this is going to be a bit long. Bear with me.

 

My first instinct is that he is lying when he talks about his great efforts to get in touch with you. I suspect the spine injury thing could also be a fabrication. People who drop the ball on friendships and relationships in the way he did (i.e. becoming flaky and distant, taking you for granted, "forgetting" to mention that they've basically dumped you) often make those kinds of claims when they finally decide to resurface. They claim they tried to call/write, they claim they were sick/dying/seriously injured, and most of the time it turns out to be untrue.

 

If you fall for the fabrications, you end up feeling sorry for them and thinking you were a bad friend/girlfriend and abandoned them in their time of need. So you start feeling guilty for doing them wrong when, in reality, they are the ones who did you wrong. It's basically a way for them to reestablish a relationship in which they had the upper hand. If you fall for the act, you will find yourself sucked back into a friendship or relationship in which you work hard to make things work and meet the other person's needs, and the other person does little to reciprocate.

 

You ask why he would resurface now: well, assuming my guesses above are correct, it could be an ego thing. He may miss the fact that you used to make him feel good about himself. Maybe he's just been dumped or is going through some challenges and he needs an ego boost. That's basically a selfish impulse. It's not really about missing you. It's about missing the fact that you used to do things for him, even when he wasn't making much of an effort. And that made him feel important.

 

At the end of the day, it is possible that I am wrong about his circumstances and motivations. But even if that is the case, there is an undeniable truth: you guys weren't a great match. People who are right for each other find a way to create a balance where things work for them. In other words, if it's a long distance relationship, they both make the effort to make communication possible; they both do what they can to make visits possible. Not just because they’re in love, but because they are also the type who make the effort to accommodate each other. Sounds to me like you are that type of person and he isn’t. So it didn’t work. You two were just too different to make it work, and the long distance factor simply made it more complicated.

[VanessaVanessa]

VanessaVanessa, this is going to be a bit long. Bear with me.

 

My first instinct is that he is lying when he talks about his great efforts to get in touch with you. I suspect the spine injury thing could also be a fabrication. People who drop the ball on friendships and relationships in the way he did (i.e. becoming flaky and distant, taking you for granted, "forgetting" to mention that they've basically dumped you) often make those kinds of claims when they finally decide to resurface. They claim they tried to call/write, they claim they were sick/dying/seriously injured, and most of the time it turns out to be untrue.

 

If you fall for the fabrications, you end up feeling sorry for them and thinking you were a bad friend/girlfriend and abandoned them in their time of need. So you start feeling guilty for doing them wrong when, in reality, they are the ones who did you wrong. It's basically a way for them to reestablish a relationship in which they had the upper hand. If you fall for the act, you will find yourself sucked back into a friendship or relationship in which you work hard to make things work and meet the other person's needs, and the other person does little to reciprocate.

 

You ask why he would resurface now: well, assuming my guesses above are correct, it could be an ego thing. He may miss the fact that you used to make him feel good about himself. Maybe he's just been dumped or is going through some challenges and he needs an ego boost. That's basically a selfish impulse. It's not really about missing you. It's about missing the fact that you used to do things for him, even when he wasn't making much of an effort. And that made him feel important.

 

At the end of the day, it is possible that I am wrong about his circumstances and motivations. But even if that is the case, there is an undeniable truth: you guys weren't a great match. People who are right for each other find a way to create a balance where things work for them. In other words, if it's a long distance relationship, they both make the effort to make communication possible; they both do what they can to make visits possible. Not just because they’re in love, but because they are also the type who make the effort to accommodate each other. Sounds to me like you are that type of person and he isn’t. So it didn’t work. You two were just too different to make it work, and the long distance factor simply made it more complicated.

 

Thankyou Acacia98 for taking some time to reply. Something tells me that his injury may be a fabrication too, I think he remembers how empathetic I was (am) as a person and he is using that, or at the least possibly exaggerrating it. I can't know for sure, but seeing as he claims one thing in his letter and I have proof about his actual attempts at contact for example, it is not impossible to fathom that he could make it up too.

 

If I do contact him it will only be just to check and to hear what it is he wants to tell me, as he revealed in the letter. I am not choosing to write back a letter as I think that will just drag out the process. I will not call him (as I suspect that is really why he gave me his number) since that would mean I'd be spending more money on him, which is something I no longer have the desire to do. The only mode I can think is to whatsapp him on an unused sim number so that he cannot contact me further after. I guess I am just curious to see what it is he will divulge. I've always had intuition in where I can sense someone's sincerity and if I see none if I do contact him, it will at least confirm my conclusions about him. I just hope that he does not try and further undermine my intelligence when he tells me anything.

 

If I know or believe he HAS been recently dumped and is only now thinking about me or what we were, then I will have no further communication after. He cannot just reach out like this and think I just passed the time by easily. I won't let him have that control again.

 

 

Thanks again.

[lumberjac]

Just wondering, why do you want to contact/reply him?

It doesn't seem like you want to be friends with him again, and you said youre going to use a seperate sim card so I take that you dont want to keep a pure friendship for casual chat.

 

I mean, there are only two reasons why he wrote to you and asked you to contact him: either he want you back in life cause he do care about you as a friend, or he want you back romantically. From what I read in his letter I don't think he want anything more than being friends.

 

If you really want to find out his motives then yeh, communicate is the only way to do it. But only if you are sure you are ready for that, no matter what he might say to you.

[spiderowl]

It doesn't sound like the relationship was at all good for you before you split up. Now he's getting in touch so much later. I can't see the point in re-engaging with him. Fundamentally people don't change.

[VanessaVanessa]

I decided to make contact and I just wanted to share how the contact went. If anyone is going through a situation that is similar now, or anyone who may stumble across this post months or years from now who may be having the similar experience. I can't say that I handled it 100% right, but I did the best I could with my state and devices. Read on if you like..

 

I decided to message him yesterday on Whatsapp, but I did so with another number. I was not sure how to start off, so I just sent him a starting off message with "so..." and he did not see it/reply for a while so I sent a few question marks and still nothing an hour later.

 

Then I decided to send one final message saying:

"I am using a different number and well I'm contacting you as you said you wanted, I don't have much time and I will be disconnecting soon" - I guess I wrote this in the hopes that he would know I couldn't give him all my time and mostly energy anymore. He ended up replying an hour or so after that last message.

 

he said "Who is this?" and i told him Vanessa

 

His first response was "Hii. What's up. The truth is that I'm not sure what to say either. It is good to know you're ok. I have missed you a lot. Don't you have your number?"

 

I said - 'I thought you had something you needed to say, it came across that way. No this one isn't my number'

 

Him -"I see that nothing I say really phases you. That's why I doubted whether to write you. Everything's fine thanks for contacting I wanted to know how you are"

 

Me- "You said you injured your spine"

 

Him 'Yes but with therapy I feel better it hurts at times but nothing I can't control'

What's up with you, I tried to know about you many times.

 

Me- "I think we both know the truth about how true that is"

 

Him -' Truth about what? I still have many feelings. I don't know if it makes a difference but I still have this (he sent a photo of us).'

 

Me- "The truth about the times you really tried contacting"

 

Him - It was many time. The letters did not arrive because... [he didn't finish his sentence] (he sent another photo of me).

 

Me- "I don't know what you want me to say"

 

This lead to a discussion about how things ended and how much he disappointed me, but I was brief in my explanations, saying things like "I waited for you. I believed your words even when others told me not to". He responded in manner like "I can see you are still angry". I could not believe his choice of words at that point, it's as though he cannot tell the difference or analyse anger compared with hurt/disappointment/resentment. I did not even bother to correct him because I just felt it was useless to tell someone what you feel/felt, instead of them realizing it and reflecting on it themselves in all this time.

 

He kept on insisting that he "never lied" to me and that he did not want to "fight" as he called it. I mentioned that he is "not the same guy I met" and that "I am no longer the same girl now". He said he did love me and when I brought up his actions on social media he said "he did not remember, but not to worry that he has not grown to love anyone else more than me".

 

At one point he asked me to give him my number because he was at work and then one could talk better, but I told him I wasn't willing to give my number.

 

After several other topics were touched on, I said "in the end I strongly believe you've been with another/other girls, and I have been with another guy" (I was referring to someone I was seeing a little while ago) which he took to mean I have a boyfriend now. I did not bother to even correct him (probably bad I know, but I made sure not to give him specific details about myself these days). He then responded with saying that I did not have to keep replying to his messages and said "congratulations" to me, which I believe was insincere. He said that that was hurtful knowing, he will try to forget it all too now. We said goodbye soon after.

 

I still cannot fully process this interaction which has come after a long while. It was as though he wasn't sure of what he wanted to say. It was like in the beginning he wanted to converse as though we were catching up like anyone does. I strongly avoided re-telling him that I loved him and that he meant so much, because well, I suppose I wanted him to tell me he had realized it on his own. He kept trying to dismiss me, it felt. I guess he just never looked as internally as I did all this time after the break up, and I wonder if he ever will whether it be in this situation or any of his life. It makes me feel downhearted.

 

I tried very hard not to expect anything in particular before messaging him, but I suppose I wanted him to give me explanations about things without me having to ask or touch on examples myself. He would just evade some things when I would have just rather him hurt me with the truth about why he did what he did.

 

I am not crying as much as I once thought I would. I think I prepared myself mentally/emotionally as best I could in the week. I am feeling low-spirited I can't deny, but I guess in some ways he doesn't have the ability to hurt me anymore than he did freshly during the break-up, so I do not feel worse. Not necessarily better, but not worse.

 

I can only keep trying to look for something with someone else one day.

[Acacia98]

You're welcome.

 

I think you did well.

Now you have seen for yourself that he hasn't engaged in much self-reflection and is being evasive and dismissive of your feelings. That's pretty irritating, I imagine. But, more importantly, it shows you what kind of a friend or boyfriend he would be if you had maintained your ties to him.

 

You feel guilty about not correcting him when he assumed you were in a relationship. Actually, you shouldn't feel guilty. Thinking you're with somebody new will make it easier for him to accept the fact that you've moved on and he will likely leave you alone now.