freebird31 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I was dating this guy for a while. I like to think that I really liked him. And we got along so well. And we were very open with one another. Well things started to go sour when I realized I was not over my ex, and there would be times when I would miss my ex (who broke up with me 2 years ago!). I really liked this guy. But I started to draw away. Eventually I told him that I was not ready for a committment. He also had a son. I felt very overwhelmed at the time because I realized I still had feelings for my ex. And the fact that he had a son too just felt so overwhelming at the time. Well, after i told him i wasnt ready to commit we would continue to talk from time to time every now and then just as friends, and i was perfectly fine with that. UNTIL i saw that he recently is dating someone new. I feel so frustrated now. I feel like I lost out on a chance and oppurtunity with someone because I still have these lingering feelings for my ex. I dont know what to do I feel really sad now and feel like i lost my chance with a good guy because I wasnt ready. What is anyone's advice on how to get past this? I wanted to reach out to him so bad but what would that do...in the end, i am still scared I wont be ready. And from the looks he looks like he is happy with the new girl now. I really feel mad at myself now. I am not even sure if I really liked him, or am I just upset because he moved on now. I am actually very confused. :/ But i still feel so angry with myself for not being ready, for not giving it a bigger chance and more effort. idk. i should have tried harder to make it work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Your heart and mind told you that you were not ready...therefore you were not ready. No need to beat yourself up about that. Take time off from dating and truly heal. I know it sucks because I'm doing the exact same thing. I told myself that I'm taking a year off from dating because I want to be 100% if I enter another relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Your heart and mind told you that you were not ready...therefore you were not ready. No need to beat yourself up about that. Take time off from dating and truly heal. I know it sucks because I'm doing the exact same thing. I told myself that I'm taking a year off from dating because I want to be 100% if I enter another relationship. I know youre right... I really need to take time off from dating and finding who I am again. But I cannot help but feel so sad that I lost out on an oppurtunity. Now he is dating somone else...I cannot help but wish and hope that it doesnt work out between them...so that maybe something can work itself out between me and this guy when the timing is a little better. It looks like he didnt even hesitate to move on....I dont blame him. I am very sad /: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Have you reached out to your ex (the one from 2 years ago)? Maybe there's hope for a reconciliation there because it's obvious that that is where your heart truly wants to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I say this with respect: That's two ex's you're now not over. You've done nothing wrong. It's just how your life unfolded. This would be a great time to get some counselling, to help you tidy up your unfinished business, and find a way forward. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Have you reached out to your ex (the one from 2 years ago)? Maybe there's hope for a reconciliation there because it's obvious that that is where your heart truly wants to be. Yes. I did. A few months ago, during Christmas time. I asked him how we was doing, after about a year or so of not speaking with him and no contact. But he seems very busy with school right now and with getting his life together still. We broke up because he was overwhelmed with the relationship, while in school and working his job. It doesnt look like theres a chance for reconcilation at the moment. But youre right, I think I did reach out to him because that is where my heart was. We just caught up about where we were at in life right now...our life status pretty much. The conversation didnt go anywhere after that. And we haven't spoken since.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 I say this with respect: That's two ex's you're now not over. You've done nothing wrong. It's just how your life unfolded. This would be a great time to get some counselling, to help you tidy up your unfinished business, and find a way forward. Good luck. yeah really. It does seem like two people I am not not over. The second guy I only dated shortly, but we talked everyday for about three months. But we emotionally invested in each other a lot in those three months. After the three months, we just talked occasionally as friends. I miss talking to him. I hate that I would think about my ex when I was talking to him..it truly ruined everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 yeah really. It does seem like two people I am not not over. The second guy I only dated shortly, but we talked everyday for about three months. But we emotionally invested in each other a lot in those three months. After the three months, we just talked occasionally as friends. I miss talking to him. I hate that I would think about my ex when I was talking to him..it truly ruined everything. You could consider some short-term, single-issue counselling, just to address these two relationships. Even a few sessions could be helpful. You seem a really nice person. I hope everything works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 You could consider some short-term, single-issue counselling, just to address these two relationships. Even a few sessions could be helpful. You seem a really nice person. I hope everything works out for you. I really want to try counseling. I might try that in the summer when i can save up a little bit more money to afford it. It would probably serve me well. I ended up reaching out to the new guy just now. We chatted for a bit, actually it was a deep stimulating conversation about love. lol. He ended up telling me that he wasnt looking to meet the person he ends up with until his 30s. (He is 26). hm thought that was strange ..not even sure if he is dating anyone now. Anyway, talking to him and dating this new guy kind of was good. Because it has helped to kind of see what kind of man i want to date and be with. My ex was never the intellectual type. Smart, yes. But we never had deep intellectual and stimulating conversations about life, or anything. It was more of a friendship. With the new guy, I have noticed that we challenge one another a lot. Something me and my ex never really did...unless we had a disagreement on the relationship of course-- thats how we challenged one another. But what i mean by challenge one another with the new guy, is that we challenge each others ideas and views on things about love for example, or about life. We offer each others insight...which is something I really have grown to love and kind of something I am looking to have in my next (far from now) relationship. With my ex, it was always just conversations about our day. Or making jokes, teasing one another. It truly was a friendship and we loved and enjoyed one another's company as we never got bored laughing endlessly with one another. But after dating this new guy, I kind of enjoy the deep intelectual conversations. They are so stimulating. We can joke and have fun too of course. But it is just defintely more of a mature dynamic than what I had with my ex. I really enjoy it. I hope that when the right time comes, maybe something can work out between me and this guy if he is not dating someone already (still not really sure) But in the meantime, i truly do not want to settle down as much as I like the new guy. I do not think he is looking to settle down anyway either any time soon. I really want to be single and work on bettering myself and enjoying being single while I can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 I also think that part of the reason why I would think about my ex when I was with this new person was because he was the first person I have dated after my ex. It was just all kind of new to me. And i had not emotionally detached myself from my ex yet. Now that more time has passed and I have realized that yes it is possible to connect with other people, even after my ex, I feel like I am on the right path now to letting go of my first love and detaching from him now. I don't think moving on from one person to another is the right way though. But I do think that the new guy has helped me to try to detach from my ex because I now know deep connections with other people are possible. I want ot work on myself first and better myself and be COMFORTABLE with being single and happy. It is a work in progress, and has been for the last 2 years. The last 2 years was more of getting over the relationship and the pain and loss. The next few years will be to now build my new life being single and trying to be happy on my own without depending on a boyfriend to do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bigtrouble Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I also think that part of the reason why I would think about my ex when I was with this new person was because he was the first person I have dated after my ex. It was just all kind of new to me. And i had not emotionally detached myself from my ex yet. Now that more time has passed and I have realized that yes it is possible to connect with other people, even after my ex, I feel like I am on the right path now to letting go of my first love and detaching from him now. I don't think moving on from one person to another is the right way though. But I do think that the new guy has helped me to try to detach from my ex because I now know deep connections with other people are possible. I want ot work on myself first and better myself and be COMFORTABLE with being single and happy. It is a work in progress, and has been for the last 2 years. The last 2 years was more of getting over the relationship and the pain and loss. The next few years will be to now build my new life being single and trying to be happy on my own without depending on a boyfriend to do that. There you go you found the answer, but sometimes its really difficult to deal with it unless it surfaces. You have some reservations, but the emotional baggage from your last Ex brought back that ill feeling. You need to deal with it first before hoping to get to the next relationship. You can do it, just keep moving on... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 There you go you found the answer, but sometimes its really difficult to deal with it unless it surfaces. You have some reservations, but the emotional baggage from your last Ex brought back that ill feeling. You need to deal with it first before hoping to get to the next relationship. You can do it, just keep moving on... I really think I can do it. 5-6 months ago when I was just starting to talk to the new guy I was in a different place. I still had feelings and it was fresh. I do still have reservations im working on letting them go. But 6 months later, I feel a major difference now that I look back at where I was. I can only imagine where I will be at in another 6 months and so forth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 So the new guy I was talking to IS, in fact talking to someone else. I follow his instagram page and i saw him with another woman . They went on a vacation to Hawaii together. I cannot believe this. At first when i saw it, my heart SUNK in my chest. I cried . I didnt even realize I had feelings until I just looked at all the photos of them two together....smiling, laughing, looking so intimate with one another. I didnt feel as heart broken as when my ex broke it off with me, but i still felt...so...bummed. It made me just break down. I couldnt help but feel like it was my fault that it did not work out. Looking at the pictures makes me feel this awful pit in my stomach. I should probably delete him. God, another lost person in my life again. This is why I will not let myself get attached to another person for a long time. I really thought that we could remain friends and that i didnt have feelings for him. But after seeing the pictures of him and the new girl, I can't do it. What a shame. I can admit my feelings for him did not compare in any way to the feelings I had for my ex, but i still feel bummed nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I have had to let go of really meaingful relationships and friendships (TWO, to be exact) in the last 2 years. I CANNOT find it in myself to let go and delete the new guy. I just can't do it this time. Ill just continue to watch his happy life with the new woman from social media. I cant find it in me to delete him I cannot let go of yet, another person again. i just cant this time. thats enough. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't understand why you're getting so bummed out over a man who said he isn't ready to be committed and won't be for a few more years at least. On that you probably made the right move. Hopefully he shared that information with the woman he took to Hawaii before she starts planning her life around him. You seem to take things really personally. I'm not sure why that is...do you? I mean, if you cared about this new man and you saw that he is happy, why aren't you just happy for him instead of sad for you? You made the decision to work on you, so that you could be happy all alone. I'm guessing that didn't work out so well since you seem to wrap all your happiness up in men. They don't hold the key to your happiness...you do. Did you forget that or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't understand why you're getting so bummed out over a man who said he isn't ready to be committed and won't be for a few more years at least. On that you probably made the right move. Hopefully he shared that information with the woman he took to Hawaii before she starts planning her life around him. You seem to take things really personally. I'm not sure why that is...do you? I mean, if you cared about this new man and you saw that he is happy, why aren't you just happy for him instead of sad for you? You made the decision to work on you, so that you could be happy all alone. I'm guessing that didn't work out so well since you seem to wrap all your happiness up in men. They don't hold the key to your happiness...you do. Did you forget that or something? Well he told me that he was not looking to settle down for a few more years, but he would be open to it if were to happen. Why am I not happy for him? Well, because its not the best feeling to see someone you liked with someone else, mostly because you werent ready to commit to the relationship. Im trying to be happy for him. I really will try. And i do not "wrap all my happiness" in men. I have been single for most of my life. And have been single for the last two years. And i have never once been looking for a relationship to fulfill me. I met this guy and liked him, and thought I would give it a chance, got attached, realized I wasn't ready yet to move on and get into another relationship even though i liked him, and he found someone else quite quickly after. Its not the best feeling. Thats pretty much how it went. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I understand that it hurts when you see somebody you once liked with someone new but if you really were that into him at the time you'd have allowed yourself to get over your ex rather than be thinking about him when you were with the new guy. You didn't like him that much then so why is he so important now? Why is he suddenly important enough to hurt you when before he wasn't even important enough to commit to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) The problem is not that I wrap my happiness in men. Its that I let the void from loss consume my life, and not just from men necesserily. My ex boyfriend, my best friend of seven years. Anyone who i have got close with and attached to, who is not a part of my life anymore, has left incredible scars and void in my life that I deal with mostly daily. I am trying my best to fill this void on my own without relying on a relationship, hence the reason why I have been single for this long. I have lived with and have accepted being unhappy and alone for quite sometime now, so I dont feel the need to have a man to make me happy or depend on others for that. I know the only way I can be happy is to work on this on my own. I dont look for others to fullfill that. That is a different problem, and not my problem. Edited March 30, 2015 by freebird31 Link to post Share on other sites
Author freebird31 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Why is he suddenly important enough to hurt you when before he wasn't even important enough to commit to? I have asked myself the very same question. I really dont know. I wish I knew. Maybe I did like him, but wasnt ready. Maybe it could have worked out if I had just more time to heal from the scars of my ex/get over my past. I don't know...Maybe I liked him, but just not enough. Or maybe i liked him, but not as much as my ex. Maybe all three. I really do not know. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm not a doctor but you seem to have some kind of attachment disorder. The new guy that put a void in you is the same guy you didn't want to become attached to, so you feeling the void of somebody you never gave that big of a spot to sounds pretty unhealthy to me. He wasn't important enough to overcome the void the last guy made but he's important enough to create a void of his own? That doesn't even make sense. I think you need to see a counselor. This probably goes way back. Link to post Share on other sites
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