How long did it take you to get to the acceptance stage?

[AprilTears]

I feel like I'm back and forth between denial and anger right now. Although it's only been 5 days since the official end of my relationship and no contact, I've been preparing for that day for a month. For that month prior to termination of the relationship I was witnessing changes in him which lead up to his mistreatment of me and my eventual ending of the emotional torture he was putting me through.

 

I feel like I did my bargaining in the month we were still in contact so I will be likely (hopefully) skipping over that stage in the grieving process. Or I am just experiencing the stages out of order.

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

Also, where does being obsessed with the break-up fall into this process if at all? Or is that my issue? I cannot seem to stop over thinking everything and repeating it all in my head. Last words said, etc. It's bound to drive me mad!

[badpenny]

One: There is no set time for any of this.

 

Two: They don't necessarily run in order, or even alone. (You could be angry AND in denial, you could be in Denial AND Depressed.... )

 

Three: Life cannot be calculated in such a narrow way. Sure, you can label emotions, but to what degree, how long for, and what other emotions might play in, (Resentment? Nostalgia?) is an unknown.

 

Four: What you are doing is revisiting your trauma and revising the outcome in order to make yourself feel better. It's known as Emotional retrograde thinking...But here's the thing:

 

Your memory of an event is only as accurate as the last time you actually thought about the event. Every time you remember a particular situation, you are only remembering the last time you thought about it. You're not remembering the event itself.

 

(I've added different links to provide sufficient evidence....I'm really NOT making it up!)

 

So, in fact, by subtly altering the scenario in your head and mashing it and re-hashing it - you are actually altering the entire structure of the event, until you won't know truth from fiction.

 

And that is what is keeping your pain alive.

 

Your own imagination.

[Jonp219]

I feel like I'm back and forth between denial and anger right now. Although it's only been 5 days since the official end of my relationship and no contact, I've been preparing for that day for a month. For that month prior to termination of the relationship I was witnessing changes in him which lead up to his mistreatment of me and my eventual ending of the emotional torture he was putting me through.

 

I feel like I did my bargaining in the month we were still in contact so I will be likely (hopefully) skipping over that stage in the grieving process. Or I am just experiencing the stages out of order.

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

Also, where does being obsessed with the break-up fall into this process if at all? Or is that my issue? I cannot seem to stop over thinking everything and repeating it all in my head. Last words said, etc. It's bound to drive me mad!

 

Hey, my ex broke up with me last month (27 days ago) to be exact. If you initiate strict NC the healing process will go smoother and faster. I don't know how long it will take you to reach the acceptance stage because everyone is different, but my advice to you is to take it day-by-day.

[KBarletta]

Or I am just experiencing the stages out of order.

 

 

Truthfully, there is no real order, nor do the stages happen one at a time. It's much more likely that you'll move back and forth through each one a few times before you're done. They're more like "types" of grief than "stages" of grief because it's not like it's a linear process. It's all over the map for most people.

[Jimmyjackson]

I feel like I'm back and forth between denial and anger right now. Although it's only been 5 days since the official end of my relationship and no contact, I've been preparing for that day for a month. For that month prior to termination of the relationship I was witnessing changes in him which lead up to his mistreatment of me and my eventual ending of the emotional torture he was putting me through.

 

I feel like I did my bargaining in the month we were still in contact so I will be likely (hopefully) skipping over that stage in the grieving process. Or I am just experiencing the stages out of order.

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

Also, where does being obsessed with the break-up fall into this process if at all? Or is that my issue? I cannot seem to stop over thinking everything and repeating it all in my head. Last words said, etc. It's bound to drive me mad!

 

I feel I'm at the acceptance stage now, it's been about 6 months. But I would agree you do tend to slip into some of the others from time to time, earlier today I found myself experiencing a wave of anger for a brief 5 minutes, but then it went away.

 

You sound the same as me, sitting in your room obsessing over every detail, replaying the past over and over again in your head, wondering if the other person is suffering also. These are all things I used to do.

 

The first 3 months I would say are the hardest, after that you tend to accept it's over and although you'll still think of them (I still do), the urge to contact won't be there anymore and you'll start to feel normal again.

 

Just give it some time, for me personally, the anger stage came after the bargaining and I was angry for about a month haha.

[Jonp219]

I feel I'm at the acceptance stage now, it's been about 6 months. But I would agree you do tend to slip into some of the others from time to time, earlier today I found myself experiencing a wave of anger for a brief 5 minutes, but then it went away.

 

You sound the same as me, sitting in your room obsessing over every detail, replaying the past over and over again in your head, wondering if the other person is suffering also. These are all things I used to do.

 

The first 3 months I would say are the hardest, after that you tend to accept it's over and although you'll still think of them (I still do), the urge to contact won't be there anymore and you'll start to feel normal again.

 

Just give it some time, for me personally, the anger stage came after the bargaining and I was angry for about a month haha.

 

See this scares me a little.

It's been a little under a month and I feel so much better than I did the first 2 weeks. I feel like I will be ever better in another month. However, I don't know if this betterment is due to me having hope (me and her in future) or because i'm actually getting better. It's tough to pinpoint at the moment.

[Jimmyjackson]

See this scares me a little.

It's been a little under a month and I feel so much better than I did the first 2 weeks. I feel like I will be ever better in another month. However, I don't know if this betterment is due to me having hope (me and her in future) or because i'm actually getting better. It's tough to pinpoint at the moment.

 

The fact you mentioned hope probably means that's the reason. In the back of your mind you're probably thinking "it'll be fine, we'll sort things out".

 

But you probably are still getting better, each day is progress, even if it is small. You'll have high and low points, I still do, but you're still in the early stages so don't be too hard on yourself if you feel down.

 

If you were to read my threads I created back when I joined you'd see that time does heal you, just be patient. When I read back I'm pretty proud of how much my mindset has changed and how strong I am now.

[Jonp219]

The fact you mentioned hope probably means that's the reason. In the back of your mind you're probably thinking "it'll be fine, we'll sort things out".

 

But you probably are still getting better, each day is progress, even if it is small. You'll have high and low points, I still do, but you're still in the early stages so don't be too hard on yourself if you feel down.

 

If you were to read my threads I created back when I joined you'd see that time does heal you, just be patient. When I read back I'm pretty proud of how much my mindset has changed and how strong I am now.

 

Should I just remove all hope? I do for my own sake, but it isn't something I want to do (if that makes sense).

Either way i'm not waiting around for her or anything like that. I've been focusing on school, therapy, and seeing my friends as much as possible.

I'm also learning to love myself, I'm starting to understand this whole independent thing, but I still want her. You know?

[Chin Up]

In my case, I was in denial about it being over for about a month or two. A part of me kept thinking he would turn around and beg me back. Nope lol.

 

The weird thing is, when I accepted it was over and he wasn't coming back, I then went into denial about my acceptance. I know that doesn't make sense haha.

 

So I'd be feeling fine, who needs him, lifes great...then bam, I'd be upset out of nowhere again (usually a dream about him would set me off). So I think for a while there's a weird sort of false acceptance, but eventually it just sticks and you truly are over them.

[Jimmyjackson]

Should I just remove all hope? I do for my own sake, but it isn't something I want to do (if that makes sense).

Either way i'm not waiting around for her or anything like that. I've been focusing on school, therapy, and seeing my friends as much as possible.

I'm also learning to love myself, I'm starting to understand this whole independent thing, but I still want her. You know?

 

Oh yeah, I do know, believe me. I think you should remove all hope yes, you can hope for something all you want but it won't make it the reality. But I will confess that I still have a slight bit of hope in my mind, expecting her to call out of the blue or something, but you just have to remind yourself it's not reality and snap yourself out of it.

 

We all have to do things we don't want to, sometimes we have no choice, so yes it does make sense to me.

 

Good, don't wait around, live your life, get those grades, go to therapy if it helps and have fun with friends and maybe date? She'll be in the back of your mind, but I think people from the past always are to an extent, just more intensely some times than others.

 

Joining the gym and sleeping with other girls has made me confident again in a lot of ways, I'm seeing progress in the gym now and other girls wanting me makes me think I must have something to offer. Find stuff that makes you feel good and tell yourself you're great every day.

 

If one day your hope becomes reality then decide what to do then, but at the moment you've got to try and put it to one side and move on as if it won't come true, sometimes we have no other option.

[BunHeadLA]

I'm worried because I am not in acceptance yet... and it has been a little over a year since he went public as dating his rebound. He worked with my roommate for a while and I kept hoping maybe there was a way to at least speak to him, see why he hated=s me so much. His last day was yesterday and I was really sad... I may also have to move back east for a while and I'm like "yep no chance to see him again 3,000 miles away"

 

 

I am getting out there and meeting new people, I'm doing a lot just not dating but I'm 99% happy with that, but there is a part of me that wants to go on a date with someone interesting and fun just to get my groove back a bit... I want to feel desired again you know?

[littlesister1234]

I know this process. It took me a while to get to acceptance, but after him being a total jerk to me while I was going through depression, I finally accepted it. It didn't take me long cause I was distracted with other things and had a lot of really nice people around me (ironically enough, his family were the most supportive.) Obsessing over the breakup unfortunately falls under all until you get to acceptance. Once you hit that stage, it won't affect you like it is now.

[Jimmyjackson]

... I want to feel desired again you know?

 

Yeah I know what you mean, your ex would compliment you and tell you how great you are etc, and it felt nice because you knew it was genuine. I miss that also.

[BunHeadLA]

Exactly! I have seen pics of ex and his new girl and that smile, that's the way he looked at me... so I knew his feelings were real, I just wish I could pinpoint the moment it went wrong, go back, fix it and then maybe this past year would have been filled with happiness, trips, Christmas with our big families etc... sighs... but I can't think that way.

[BC1980]

In my case, a full year of NC before I reached acceptance. By acceptance, I mean that I stopped revisiting the different stages of grief and stopped revisiting the relationship in general. I obviously accepted that it was over far sooner, but I was still vacillating between anger and depression for quite some time. I read a book on grief after breakups/divorce that said you know you've reached acceptance once you are able to file the entire situation away as a lesson learned, and you are no longer interested in discussing it.

[AprilTears]

One: There is no set time for any of this.

 

Two: They don't necessarily run in order, or even alone. (You could be angry AND in denial, you could be in Denial AND Depressed.... )

 

Three: Life cannot be calculated in such a narrow way. Sure, you can label emotions, but to what degree, how long for, and what other emotions might play in, (Resentment? Nostalgia?) is an unknown.

 

Four: What you are doing is revisiting your trauma and revising the outcome in order to make yourself feel better. It's known as Emotional retrograde thinking...But here's the thing:

 

Your memory of an event is only as accurate as the last time you actually thought about the event. Every time you remember a particular situation, you are only remembering the last time you thought about it. You're not remembering the event itself.

 

(I've added different links to provide sufficient evidence....I'm really NOT making it up!)

 

So, in fact, by subtly altering the scenario in your head and mashing it and re-hashing it - you are actually altering the entire structure of the event, until you won't know truth from fiction.

 

And that is what is keeping your pain alive.

 

Your own imagination.

 

Thank you. I am going to check out your links.

 

Thanks everyone else for your replies. I will read them soon.

 

I am a blubbering mess at the moment. Ugly crying with snot and all! Sorry for the visual. I was doing so very well today. I thought I was accepting things which is why I posted this thread. Tonight I am feeling desperate to talk to him. I don't even know what I would say. I'm just missing him and feeling really lonely and sad.

[Twigyy]

Hey there, I am sort of going though the same thing. My ex dumped me a month ago and two weeks ago she already had a boyfriend and you know, already did stuff. You know, if you think that you did the best you could, no matter what your ex will think about you once in awhile cos you were the best one for him or her. We barely talked last week, and I started strict NC two days ago. I decided to be the one blocking her on Facebook and everything, and it stopped me from checking up on her. No matter how much you loved him, be the smart one to move on faster. If you still have that little hope in you that he will come back, I think that strict NC is the best thing to do. Just let his or her brain screw him over. Well, if fate allows he or she will come back talking to you again.

 

P.S. Idk why but whenever she crawls back into my head I can't cry for more than a minute anymore. Hope one day you become stronger.

[AprilTears]

Hey there, I am sort of going though the same thing. My ex dumped me a month ago and two weeks ago she already had a boyfriend and you know, already did stuff. You know, if you think that you did the best you could, no matter what your ex will think about you once in awhile cos you were the best one for him or her. We barely talked last week, and I started strict NC two days ago. I decided to be the one blocking her on Facebook and everything, and it stopped me from checking up on her. No matter how much you loved him, be the smart one to move on faster. If you still have that little hope in you that he will come back, I think that strict NC is the best thing to do. Just let his or her brain screw him over. Well, if fate allows he or she will come back talking to you again.

 

P.S. Idk why but whenever she crawls back into my head I can't cry for more than a minute anymore. Hope one day you become stronger.

 

Thank you so much! Today is day 5 of no contact for me. IT SUCKS!! This all started a month ago and he's been torturing my heart since. He basically forced me to break it off with him but I am sure he planned it that way. I tried and I do have that to be proud of. I tried very hard to fix things and to make it work. He refused. I gave him the news and went dark. Of course I haven't heard from either but logically why would I? I probably hoped that he would have reached out to me when he realized I was serious (we haven't gone one day without contact since we have known each other). But he didn't.

 

I'm fighting with feelings of worthlessness - him not thinking I was worth fighting for. He put me through so much in this relationship and I was so good to him. It would have never been good enough though. I was fighting a losing battle. I know in time when I move past it I will be able to see it clearly and realize that it really was for the best. I just wish I could fast forward to that day. Even though he was a dic* to me 50% of the time I still cared deeply for him.

 

You stay strong too and stay no contact!!! I know how it feels to see your ex with someone else. That happened to me many years ago and it was horrible. I'm so sorry for your pain. Hang in there!

Edited March 5, 2015 by AprilTears

[Twigyy]

Yeah its normal that he will be cold and look as if both of you guys didn't happen at all, probably because he doesn't feel that he loves you anymore. But yeah, its also normal to be trying to change so that he would accept you, and I did the same too, but I guess it just doesn't work if the feeling is already lost. All you can do now is wish that what you're feeling now will haunt him when he is free. Just think that it is his loss for giving you up I guess. Do no contact, and love him from afar. If one day he appreciates you again, he would reach out, and for that to happen, you need time, and its something that you don't have control of. So be happy, proof him wrong. Someday he might be stalking you on Facebook, you'll never know. Stay strong lad!

[AprilTears]

Yeah its normal that he will be cold and look as if both of you guys didn't happen at all, probably because he doesn't feel that he loves you anymore. But yeah, its also normal to be trying to change so that he would accept you, and I did the same too, but I guess it just doesn't work if the feeling is already lost. All you can do now is wish that what you're feeling now will haunt him when he is free. Just think that it is his loss for giving you up I guess. Do no contact, and love him from afar. If one day he appreciates you again, he would reach out, and for that to happen, you need time, and its something that you don't have control of. So be happy, proof him wrong. Someday he might be stalking you on Facebook, you'll never know. Stay strong lad!

 

Too funny! Well I don't have a Facebook so he can't stalk me at all! A week before I ended it I asked him if that was what he wanted and he said no. His actions said otherwise. Unless he thought I was crying wolf but that doesn't matter at this point. As far as him not loving me anymore. I don't know that he ever did.

[Twigyy]

Haha then it should be easier for you. Maybe try something new or different, especially those that you've always wanted to do but he don't like it. Don't do stuff that you guys usually do. Start doing stuff that takes up a lot of time, get into shape, watch TV, anything really. I've been working out lately, which makes me tired more often, and I'll sleep more, which is a good way to waste time, and one day I could show off my body and make her jealous. xD

[Oneness]

I am just over 4 months NC, and acceptance is just creeping in. I keep reminding myself that that going back was not an option, and because my relationship was abusive I remind myself of how he was acting before I went NC. In my case, he broke up with me before I did with him (I was planning it, but trying to find a way to do it without any bad repercussions...haha...not likely with an abuser). He tried to get me back for over two months, I was weak...I could not keep to NC...until he raged at me for 2 days in a row and I had it and blocked him. So I refocus on why we are not together anymore, in an effort to stay more at acceptance...but I slip back into depression a lot. He was not all bad, but I was seeing more of Hyde then Jekyll in the end and I know it would never change...I work on acceptaing he will never change and I had to do what I did to protect myself in the end...

[erklat]

In my case, I was in denial about it being over for about a month or two. A part of me kept thinking he would turn around and beg me back. Nope lol.

 

The weird thing is, when I accepted it was over and he wasn't coming back, I then went into denial about my acceptance. I know that doesn't make sense haha.

 

So I'd be feeling fine, who needs him, lifes great...then bam, I'd be upset out of nowhere again (usually a dream about him would set me off). So I think for a while there's a weird sort of false acceptance, but eventually it just sticks and you truly are over them.

 

What you call 'denial' is actually a panic attack in that phase. I also felt great for three months

Between two last panic attacks I had, but in retrospective I wasn't feeling very great in that period. I wasn't over her.