Dating again

[kenmore]

I'm very conflicted. I still love my wife but she has made it very clear that she's done with our relationship and just wants out. I love being married and almost love being in a relationship as much. I have been forced out of ours for eight months now. I don't ever want to "cheat" on my wife and would feel badly if I had sex with another woman while even just "technically married" (which I still will be for another four months), but I want to get back out there. I'm considering Match / Yahoo dating.

 

I guess this is mostly aimed at the women here, but if men have something to say, I'm happy to hear it.

 

I'm wondering how a woman would feel in the situation of starting to date a man in my position. I won't want sex (well I would but won't do it), can't seriously commit, though that usually takes a lot of time anyway, so shouldn't be a problem, and of course have my baggage.

 

The pros are it would make me feel much better as a person because I would feel loved again (hopefully), can have someone to do things with, would get a nice jump start on a new relationship (or if it's going to die, can move on sooner), hopefully we would be ready for sex when the shoe drops.

 

The cons are it will be difficult since I still love my wife, I am still not making good money in my new career (commission only), I can't take her to nice restaurants because of the previous reason, Would have to hold off on sex, It may complicate things with my wife who is still holding my things (though that's just a serious day's work, and I should do it soon anyway.)

 

I'm sure there are other pros and cons, but I found so much happiness dating my current wife after my first wife died; yet that was a year and a half later. I'm only eight months out from this wife, but she's shutting me down, so it seems easier. It is definitely not about hurting her, it is about my happiness and what I feel I need. You know, I'm a fair bit older than the last situation, so don't have as much time to screw around.

 

If you were to ask me what I should do, I would say I should just wait until the divorce is final because it's not really that long and is the "right thing to do", but this thought just keeps coming in to my head. I seriously want to find my new girlfriend fast and be with someone, because it is important to me. My wife may be happy alone, but I definitely am not! I want someone to love, more than I want someone to love me, though that's ironic since that's exactly what I have now! What?

 

Well, as I said in the beginning, I'm conflicted and more than that, unsure. I have no desire to hurt another person by getting into a relationship that won't work, but I know that's just part of dating. Since it seems hopeless with my wife now, I feel the odds of reconciliation are about nothing, so why not start to move on? I'll tell you why! Because women want sex! I know this from last dating session. If I put her off too long, she will find someone else. And of course, men want sex too! If I want it, I will most likely do it while still married, and I took my vows seriously! I still do...Crap. thoughts?

 

Ken

[Ralph79]

I'd definitely wait in your shoes before I start making myself available before the divorce is finalized.

 

Specially if you still love your wife, because then, there are countless scenarios where you might find yourself giving her another chance, if she asked for it. And you might inadvertently end up hurting someone else who might get their hopes up with you.

 

If you were completely certain and had no emotional attachments towards your stbxw then I'd say go for it.

 

Besides, 6 months is a rather good time frame to concentrate on working on yourself first. You've got 4 more to go.

 

But that's just my opinion.

[redrock1]

Hi Ken~

 

Well, first of all, I'm sorry you're having to go through this divorce. It seems like you really wanted to make this marriage work, but your wife wasn't on board.

 

With that said, I agree that waiting would be a good idea. Give yourself time to heal from all that you've been through before you jump back into dating. If you haven't done this already, it might even be good to think about some counseling first if you're feeling discouraged about what went down in your marriage. And, personally, as a woman I wouldn't want the man I'm dating to even be "technically" married.

 

So, just my two cents. Hang in there, friend!

 

#girlluvs2garden#

[AprilTears]

I'm very conflicted. I still love my wife but she has made it very clear that she's done with our relationship and just wants out. I love being married and almost love being in a relationship as much. I have been forced out of ours for eight months now. I don't ever want to "cheat" on my wife and would feel badly if I had sex with another woman while even just "technically married" (which I still will be for another four months), but I want to get back out there. I'm considering Match / Yahoo dating.

 

I guess this is mostly aimed at the women here, but if men have something to say, I'm happy to hear it.

 

I'm wondering how a woman would feel in the situation of starting to date a man in my position. I won't want sex (well I would but won't do it), can't seriously commit, though that usually takes a lot of time anyway, so shouldn't be a problem, and of course have my baggage.

 

The pros are it would make me feel much better as a person because I would feel loved again (hopefully), can have someone to do things with, would get a nice jump start on a new relationship (or if it's going to die, can move on sooner), hopefully we would be ready for sex when the shoe drops.

 

The cons are it will be difficult since I still love my wife, I am still not making good money in my new career (commission only), I can't take her to nice restaurants because of the previous reason, Would have to hold off on sex, It may complicate things with my wife who is still holding my things (though that's just a serious day's work, and I should do it soon anyway.)

 

I'm sure there are other pros and cons, but I found so much happiness dating my current wife after my first wife died; yet that was a year and a half later. I'm only eight months out from this wife, but she's shutting me down, so it seems easier. It is definitely not about hurting her, it is about my happiness and what I feel I need. You know, I'm a fair bit older than the last situation, so don't have as much time to screw around.

 

If you were to ask me what I should do, I would say I should just wait until the divorce is final because it's not really that long and is the "right thing to do", but this thought just keeps coming in to my head. I seriously want to find my new girlfriend fast and be with someone, because it is important to me. My wife may be happy alone, but I definitely am not! I want someone to love, more than I want someone to love me, though that's ironic since that's exactly what I have now! What?

 

Well, as I said in the beginning, I'm conflicted and more than that, unsure. I have no desire to hurt another person by getting into a relationship that won't work, but I know that's just part of dating. Since it seems hopeless with my wife now, I feel the odds of reconciliation are about nothing, so why not start to move on? I'll tell you why! Because women want sex! I know this from last dating session. If I put her off too long, she will find someone else. And of course, men want sex too! If I want it, I will most likely do it while still married, and I took my vows seriously! I still do...Crap. thoughts?

 

Ken

 

I am a divorced woman. When my husband and I split I got into a rebound relationship because I was feeling all of the same things that you are. My advice to you is DO NOT DO IT. It will absolutely NOT help you move on.

 

Mine started out as just having a dinner companion to fill the empty space my husband left. I told him right away that I was just divorced, grieving the loss and not ready for a relationship. We started sleeping together fairly quickly and he eventually wanted more. I stayed with him for fear of being alone (and all the sex) and I tried really hard to fall for him. But there was a problem. I was still in love with my ex husband.

 

I ended up hurting him badly. It made me feel much worse than I felt before I met him. I felt even more lonely after I ended it with him. I felt like the scum of the earth for using him because that is exactly what I had done. I didn't mean for it to happen that way. I didn't realize how vulnerable I was and I didn't realize that I would need to get over my ex husband by myself before I could love someone else. It was a terrible time for me. I ended up grieving TWO losses instead of one and feeling even worse about myself than I did after my failed marriage.

 

After I broke that poor man's heart I did not date anyone. I turned down dates left and right. I refused to talk to men because I knew how weak and vulnerable I was. I distracted myself and kept busy with so many other things. I worked on myself, I got over my ex-husband and while on a business trip I met the man who I am now trying to get over. I wouldn't be surprised if the recent ending of my relationship isn't some kind of karma for what I did to that other man.

 

The only person you should be concerned about right now is you. It would not be fair to you or a new girlfriend because it will not end well and you will feel worse than you do now. You will also hurt an innocent bystander. Don't do it. Heal yourself first!!

 

Best of luck.

Edited March 3, 2015 by AprilTears

[CrystalShine2011]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I think you (in my opinion) should wait until you are over your wife a bit more before you jump into dating. It will cause a lot of jealousy and hurt for the women you are dating even though you sound very nice and that is not your intention.

 

Good luck with everything.

 

Out of curiosity, is there really no hope in recovering the marriage with your wife? It sounds like that is what you really want.

[Itspointless]

The pros are it would make me feel much better as a person because I would feel loved again (hopefully) [...] It is definitely not about hurting her, it is about my happiness and what I feel I need. You know, I'm a fair bit older than the last situation, so don't have as much time to screw around. [...] I seriously want to find my new girlfriend fast and be with someone, because it is important to me. My wife may be happy alone, but I definitely am not! I want someone to love, more than I want someone to love me

I was wondering, how old are you actually? It is not that I do not understand a thing you are saying but it sounds to me like it would be a chance for you to learn to be happy alone. And no, I am not one of those people who says that you can find all happyness being alone, as it just isn't true. I do get the feeling though you NEED an other person a bit too much to be happy. I wont throw any terms in yet.

 

I am sorry by the way about your situation, its awful to be disposed.

[kenmore]

I wish to thank you all for your posts, it means a lot to me! I will respond to each of you:

 

Ralph, I have been trying so hard to use psychology with my wife. I talked to her a lot originally and said dumb things like "please don't give up on us, we can make this work" and "I love you very much and I know you love me too" and bullsh*t like that. I use the term bullsh*t because that is what it turned into. I truly meant what I said, she made it crap. It was all a big joke on me I guess. Recently I have been more subtle and let her have the lead, but nothing has changed.

 

Redrock, thanks for your reply! Also, welcome to this forum! Your words are comforting and mean a lot to me. I appreciate your insight having been there, and it definitely makes me think. I looked into counseling, and even with my insurance, I can't afford it, so this is my counseling lol!

 

April; again, I so appreciate your experienced insight! The picture you paint is definitely not something I would like to step into, and I'm afraid you are right. The problem is I'm also afraid I may never "get over" my wife because I still love her unconditionally. I can't seem to not communicate that to her even though I know that communicating that to her is relationship death!

 

As I said, I have no desire to hurt anyone, but when I was dating I had to hurt three women and two hurt me, it all seems like part of the deal, so please don't be too hard on yourself. My biggest regret now is that I ended up choosing my wife over a woman who also loved me and I loved her, but I made my choice; I fell harder for my wife. I can't switch it now, but that is one hurt I really wish I could take back now. It will happen again during this session. As I said, it's part of the game.

 

Crystal, Believe me, I have tried reconciling with her. Our last (text) session was just this weekend, and it ended with me telling her that if she wanted to be with me, my income should have no bearing and we just have to make it work. Her reply was that her heart left a long time ago.

 

Then she said (and this has been said by her before) to call her when I have a good income, and I can buy her dinner for a change. I said sorry, I already told you I won't play that game and she said that "was sarcasm". I called her bullsh*t, and that's where it ended...pretty ugly. Every conversation is more ugly than the last on the average. It has taken me all this time, but I have really accepted the death of our marriage. You sound very nice too, and thank you for your reply!

 

Pointless, I'm 54 as of the beginning of Feb. My wife actually called me the morning of my birthday and sang "happy birthday" to me, then invited me over for dinner! I went and it was nice. Since then she has told me it was just to be nice! In other words, it was a pity party? I still say bullsh*t, but whatever. If she wants me to be miserable, she has her wish.

 

But to address what you said, it's true I should learn to be happy alone again. I was through my teen years and much of my 20's. Looking back though, I was so much happier married and that counts for both terms! In fact, as stupid as it sounds, I have even enjoyed the hopeful moments during this divorce more than I have enjoyed being alone. I think being alone sucks, and I will NOT be alone forever.

 

To be fair to my wife, some of this confrontation had an overtone of me telling her (after she told me she will NEVER marry again because it is too complicated) that I WILL MARRY again because I like it. That may have set up a jealousy thing which I realized at the time, but that is the truth. I will move on and will find a new woman, it's a question of when, not if.

 

I really appreciate all of the input here, and it has given me much food for thought. I hope I did not shut anyone here down, that was not my intention. It was to let you know how I am feeling. While I am still unsure and conflicted, talking to all of you helps a lot and makes me feel less so. I will always love my wife no matter what, and that will make dating difficult. Dating after my first wife died was easier because even though I love her to this day, she was not coming back. I know I said it was easier this time around, but I was wrong, it's more difficult. Sorry. I guess I don't even know how I feel.

 

Ken

Edited March 5, 2015 by kenmore

[Itspointless]

Pointless, I'm 54 as of the beginning of Feb. My wife actually called me the morning of my birthday and sang "happy birthday" to me, then invited me over for dinner! I went and it was nice. Since then she has told me it was just to be nice! In other words, it was a pity party? I still say bullsh*t, but whatever. If she wants me to be miserable, she has her wish.

 

But to address what you said, it's true I should learn to be happy alone again. I was through my teen years and much of my 20's. Looking back though, I was so much happier married and that counts for both terms! In fact, as stupid as it sounds, I have even enjoyed the hopeful moments during this divorce more than I have enjoyed being alone. I think being alone sucks, and I will NOT be alone forever.

 

To be fair to my wife, some of this confrontation had an overtone of me telling her (after she told me she will NEVER marry again because it is too complicated) that I WILL MARRY again because I like it. That may have set up a jealousy thing which I realized at the time, but that is the truth. I will move on and will find a new woman, it's a question of when, not if.

[...]

Dating after my first wife died was easier because even though I love her to this day, she was not coming back. I know I said it was easier this time around, but I was wrong, it's more difficult. Sorry. I guess I don't even know how I feel.

I have to admit that I am almost twenty years younger. I have been alone a lot in my life. That was partly due to circumstances that caused me to be depressed in parts of my life that most people were partying and/or enjoying loose contacts (I am not made for that last thing). I definitely had to learn to not feel alone or forgotten. That only came when I started to like myself more: something I guess I always have to work on and be conscience of.

 

There also is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing that you want to share your life with someone. I definitely would like it It too. The few moments I had together were great, I felt so wanted. But I also hear so many stories of people who are miserable together or stories of people cheating. Anyway I am diverting.

 

It worries me a bit though that you wrote in your first post: 'I want someone to love, more than I want someone to love me'. Do you value yourself enough?

[kenmore]

Hi pointless, that's a good question. I tell myself I do all the time. I feel I do, but then there are times I think if I died today, it would actually be better for everyone. Less money being spent, nobody would need to worry about me anymore (assuming they do), and my struggles would be over.

 

That said, while those thoughts flit through my head, I don't dwell on them. While I can honestly say there are those who would benefit from me dying, there are others who would be severely hurt, so I can't reconcile it. I don't even want to. As my new life and career go on, I'm meeting new people, experiencing new things, and am looking forward to a new future free of all the balls and chains that held me down in the past. I am enjoying the freedom of not being dependent on someone and that was what I wanted.

 

I just wanted to be a sharing partner. You see, my perspective was always different. I never expected nor even cared if my wife worked. I was brought up in the era of the man supports the family. I expected that role all along. They were reversed in this marriage. She resented that and rightly so. It was out of my control to correct, but now I'm looking forward to a possible future where I can support or co-support a wife and be happy knowing I'm doing what I should be doing.

 

As for depression, I was never prone to it, and I am truly sorry to hear you have suffered from it (though your screen name alludes to it a lot.) From what you said, it seems you have a catch-22 situation where you are depressed because you don't have anyone, and you don't have anyone because you are depressed. If that's the case, then you must start at the beginning, which is your depression. While I'm sure you have addressed it a lot since you speak freely of it and I imagine you have tried being positive, tried seeking help (have you?); some people just have the chemistry to be depressed and if that's you, I truly wish you any inner peace and hope you can muster!

 

I'm sure you have heard it before, but live for the moment. I won't bore you by going on like I know what the f*ck I'm talking about and am an expert, but you can't fix yesterday nor tomorrow. you can only fix now. I hope you do find someone who can make you feel on top of the world! Both of my wives did and I hope my third will too! I will do what I can to make her feel the same way, and I truly hope you can find what you need in this difficult life!

 

Ken

[Itspointless]

Hi Kenmore, sometimes it good to think about our finality just to discover that although sometimes life can be hard there is still lots that we want to enjoy. The way you write it makes me confident you will get to a better place. I can understand that you felt like you were not doing your share. Still I find it sad that she resented you for that. Personally I feel different about these things. Some financial independence gives you some personal freedom though and that is I think important.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words to me. I am indeed one of those people who has is leaning more to the depressed side. The times I have been severely depressed have always happened with certain events. My ex for instance got ill and pushed me away. That also triggered old grieve from my adolescence when one of my parents died after a few years of severe illness. I have been working on myself for years on these things (i.e. therapy) and am slowly starting to know myself well and what I have to do to not sink into these feelings. But sometimes I have to be aware. My name here refers to the event with my ex, but you are right it says a more about me than I had been aware of. Thank you for that insight and thank you again for your kind words.