Day 1 of No Contact slowly moving by...

[AprilTears]

I made a post in Breaking Up but I'm moving here since it's now over.

 

I am a sensitive and vulnerable person. When someone hurts me I cry and I over-analyze, overthink and I suffer. But I always want to talk about it and fix it instead of sweeping it under the rug. I don't judge them, I listen to them and I forgive them. I never bring it up again or throw it in their face later if it's been resolved.

 

A month ago I called my boyfriend an a-hole when we arrived home (by taxi) after a few too many. He spent the night and the next day we spent most of the day together and he never mentioned it. After he went home he immediately began distancing himself from me. I didn't understand why he stopped talking to me and I had to pull it out of him. It took approximately two weeks to get him to talk to me and I suffered greatly in those two weeks.

 

I apologized to him even told him how I would do everything in my power to be sure it never happened again. He said he didn't want to break up and that we would discuss it soon. All of our conversations since have been on the phone or by text because he refused to see me. I've been very limited in contact to give him time.

 

Last week I gave it one more shot and gave him a few days. When he made no effort I broke it off with him (that was yesterday). He told me he appreciated that I tried but he just can't get past it.

 

I have forgiven him for worse (no infidelity but disappearing, silent treatments, mental games) and I have never judged him and always vowed to do my part to ensure whatever it was that caused him to act a certain way towards me (for example if I didn't reply to his text or email promptly - I'm serious) never happened again.

 

Even though I know this relationship was not healthy or good for me I am shocked, sickened and saddened that I wasn't worth it to him. I was so good to him and it wasn't enough. I put up with so much and I make one mistake and I'm treated like I'm the most appalling person in the world to him.

 

Although I broke it off with him because he's been hurting me every day for a month I'm hurting greatly. I did not break it off so that he would ask me not to or so that he would chase me but I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt that he didn't.

 

I don't know how to stop beating myself up, torturing myself. Today is the first day of no contact and it'll be the first day we haven't been in contact since we met. Even though we haven't been communicating as usual for the past month he was still contacting me daily. He even told me last week that he would finally address it with me so I waited and when we didn't discuss it, I gave up.

 

We are older (I'm 38, he's 50) so we have plenty of experience in relationships. He's much older than me yet more immature emotionally. I'm just heartbroken and I can't figure out why I allowed his behavior over the course of our relationship to slide by only to have him oust me when I made one mistake.

 

This sucks.

Edited February 28, 2015 by AprilTears

[Ruby65]

You knew the relationship was unhealthy and bad for you.... still it wrenches your heart to have it end.

 

I'm thinking it must be about more, that it must be mirroring an unresolved childhood psychodrama to have pulled you in and kept you there fighting even though you knew it wasn't good for you. He was considerably older, did his behavior mirror your dad's when you were growing up?

 

In any case, congratulations on completing your first day of No Contact. It's hard and sad.... but it really is the best way for you to heal.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Keep up the good work!

[devilish innocent]

I just read what you posted in the other thread about him. You're lucky that things ended now. Some people get stuck in unhealthy relationships for years, marry the jerk, have a kid with him. As hard as it seems, it's a good thing that this break-up happened.

 

I don't think you should take it personally either. The guy had some serious issues. I doubt he would have been able to love anyone. There was nothing wrong with you. The problem was with him.

 

The break-up is very recent. It's fine if you still need to grieve. You probably had dreams that he could be a much better person than he was. Now those dreams are coming to an end. It will take some time to get used to the idea. When it feels like you're hanging on to the feelings just for the sake of hanging on, then you'll need to let go. But a couple of days into the break-up, no body can blame you for being depressed. At least now that you have cut him out of your life, you've taken the most important step toward a brighter future.

[AprilTears]

You knew the relationship was unhealthy and bad for you.... still it wrenches your heart to have it end.

 

I'm thinking it must be about more, that it must be mirroring an unresolved childhood psychodrama to have pulled you in and kept you there fighting even though you knew it wasn't good for you. He was considerably older, did his behavior mirror your dad's when you were growing up?

 

In any case, congratulations on completing your first day of No Contact. It's hard and sad.... but it really is the best way for you to heal.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Keep up the good work!

 

I had a wonderful childhood and my dad is the greatest. My parents are still together and we are all very close. He is close to his parents as well. No unresolved childhood issues on either side.

 

Thanks for the link.

[AprilTears]

I just read what you posted in the other thread about him. You're lucky that things ended now. Some people get stuck in unhealthy relationships for years, marry the jerk, have a kid with him. As hard as it seems, it's a good thing that this break-up happened.

 

I don't think you should take it personally either. The guy had some serious issues. I doubt he would have been able to love anyone. There was nothing wrong with you. The problem was with him.

 

The break-up is very recent. It's fine if you still need to grieve. You probably had dreams that he could be a much better person than he was. Now those dreams are coming to an end. It will take some time to get used to the idea. When it feels like you're hanging on to the feelings just for the sake of hanging on, then you'll need to let go. But a couple of days into the break-up, no body can blame you for being depressed. At least now that you have cut him out of your life, you've taken the most important step toward a brighter future.

 

 

Thank you! I'm trying to remind myself that he probably can't love anyone (we haven't exchanged "I love yous"). I know he didn't exchange them in his last relationship either.

 

I made the dumb mistake of thinking that I could change him and so I stuck with him. Now I'm suffering greatly.

 

I agree with everything you said. It's going to be a tough go but I know I can get through it. I've even considered counseling to determine why I allowed myself to put up with this man's behavior for so long. My self esteem has taken a hit.

 

I think it'll be easier once I stop trying to figure out why he didn't think I was worth fighting for.

[Ruby65]

I agree counselling would be really helpful for you!

 

Because there has to be some payoff in it for you, somewhere.... otherwise you wouldn't have tried so hard to win over an emotionally unavailable person.

[AprilTears]

I agree counselling would be really helpful for you!

 

Because there has to be some payoff in it for you, somewhere.... otherwise you wouldn't have tried so hard to win over an emotionally unavailable person.

 

So true and that's what I need to figure out. Why did I allow this behavior repeatedly from this man? It's important to me to learn from this or it was all for nothing.

 

I'm also very angry about the situation. At him, at myself. The last time I let him back in after hurting me I thought he changed. He was exactly how I wanted and needed him to be. One wrong move on my part and he went right back to his old self and here I am picking up the pieces.

[Ruby65]

It's been said that men are like shoes: you take them as-is.

 

It's taken me a lifetime to get that one piece of wisdom through my head! But I really think it's true.

[AprilTears]

It's been said that men are like shoes: you take them as-is.

 

It's taken me a lifetime to get that one piece of wisdom through my head! But I really think it's true.

 

I've never heard that one before but I like it!

 

I'm definitely to blame in that I ignored everything I knew and continued with him anyway. I will never make that mistake again.

[CrystalShine2011]

Counseling might be a good option....keep at the no contact, it will get easier. You can always vent on here!

[AprilTears]

Counseling might be a good option....keep at the no contact, it will get easier. You can always vent on here!

 

Thank you. I'm doing everything I should be. This won't be my first painful breakup so I know what I need to do. I'm mostly mad at myself for allowing it for so long.

 

I'm wondering too if he was just looking for an out. After all he's done to me was what I did really a deal breaker? And why couldn't he just talk to me about it instead of leaving me to worry? I don't understand.

Edited March 1, 2015 by AprilTears

[quattrob]

April, I know there's alot of questions you wish we could tell you, but we aren't him and we can only assume. I think deep down you know why he is the way he is... you mentioned he is immature emotionally and that is the core of it.

 

He just doesn't seem to value you enough as his partner and treated you like a dog. He knows how much you love him and how much you'll sacrifice for him, so he took advantage of your good and loving heart to him.

 

Never try to change someone because you'll never be truly happy, you have to learn to accept the person as is... it is bad to try to change or even expect someone to change (especially when he's 50 years old). Have you tried changing your dad or your mom's way of thinking etc? Not going to happen. Only way for them to change is if they themselves want to change.

 

You deserve better April, this relationship was never what you deserved to begin with. I hope you feel better.

[AprilTears]

April, I know there's alot of questions you wish we could tell you, but we aren't him and we can only assume. I think deep down you know why he is the way he is... you mentioned he is immature emotionally and that is the core of it.

 

He just doesn't seem to value you enough as his partner and treated you like a dog. He knows how much you love him and how much you'll sacrifice for him, so he took advantage of your good and loving heart to him.

 

Never try to change someone because you'll never be truly happy, you have to learn to accept the person as is... it is bad to try to change or even expect someone to change (especially when he's 50 years old). Have you tried changing your dad or your mom's way of thinking etc? Not going to happen. Only way for them to change is if they themselves want to change.

 

You deserve better April, this relationship was never what you deserved to begin with. I hope you feel better.

 

Thank you for your words. I know you are right. I just wish I could explain it to my heart. I'm determined to get through this pain and learn a very valuable lesson from it.

 

I just wish I didn't want him. Why in hell would I?

[ballycastle]

Thank you for your words. I know you are right. I just wish I could explain it to my heart. I'm determined to get through this pain and learn a very valuable lesson from it.

 

I just wish I didn't want him. Why in hell would I?

 

A good question. I assume he had some endearing qualities. I think you are anxious preoccupied from what you described and your ex an avoidant. I have experience of relationships like this (my last 2) where we work do hard to win their love.

 

It is nothing you did, there people will always be like this, usually they give themselves away but we tend to mute this info (mine both said they had treated women badly in the past but I believed I would be treated differently)

 

Therapy will help you look at your patterns and boundaries (also buy 'attached' by amir/levine)

 

Good luck! I am a deep thinker too but it is a good thing! I get annoyed when others say it isn't (including my exes)!

[AprilTears]

Struggling not to reach out.

 

Struggling more that he hasn't.

[darkbloom]

It's okay to struggle. Every time you feel like contacting him, post it on here instead. It gets easier the farther into NC you get.

 

You're going to be angry for awhile that he hasn't broken NC. I just try to focus on the future because nothing he contacts you with will make you feel better. You know it was an unhealthy relationship and as much as you want to get back together with him you know it's a bad idea. Anything else be sends you would be disappointing.

[AprilTears]

A good question. I assume he had some endearing qualities. I think you are anxious preoccupied from what you described and your ex an avoidant. I have experience of relationships like this (my last 2) where we work do hard to win their love.

 

It is nothing you did, there people will always be like this, usually they give themselves away but we tend to mute this info (mine both said they had treated women badly in the past but I believed I would be treated differently)

 

Therapy will help you look at your patterns and boundaries (also buy 'attached' by amir/levine)

 

Good luck! I am a deep thinker too but it is a good thing! I get annoyed when others say it isn't (including my exes)!

 

 

I will definitely look into those things. I am just so crushed. I am nearing the end of day 2 of no contact and it hurts so bad. What hurts is that he hasn't reached out to me. I will not contact him because I have said all I need to say. I just don't get how he can let me go so easily. I have to accept that he just didn't care enough to try. Rips my heart apart.

 

I have put up with so much and forgiven him, nurtured him, showed him how much I cared for him. I've lifted him up when he was down. Supported him always. That is what I am struggling with the most. I loved him unconditionally and he abandoned me when I did something that he feels is unforgivable. If I cheated, lied, humiliated him I would UNDERSTAND. I did none of those things and never would.

 

This is almost too much to take. I can barely breathe sometimes from all the crying. I am miserable.

[AprilTears]

It's okay to struggle. Every time you feel like contacting him, post it on here instead. It gets easier the farther into NC you get.

 

You're going to be angry for awhile that he hasn't broken NC. I just try to focus on the future because nothing he contacts you with will make you feel better. You know it was an unhealthy relationship and as much as you want to get back together with him you know it's a bad idea. Anything else be sends you would be disappointing.

 

You are right. I don't think he ever thought I would go. I just wish I knew what he was thinking. I don't know why I want to know. I am just looking for that validation I presume. The validation that maybe he did care. I am not perfect but I felt like he expected me to be. I especially feel that way now since it has ended over something so strange (in my opinion).

 

Everything that he has done during our relationship has caused me concern but I pressed on. I do one thing that causes him concern (about my character) and he flips out and is done with me by absolutely refusing to address the issue.

 

Even though I ended it I feel like I was the one dumped.

[AprilTears]

I forgot to mention something that is a big factor in making this so difficult for me. Before this night happened we had been doing better than ever for a couple months. Like really well. He was exactly how I had always hoped he would be. Caring, loving, attentive, complimentary.

 

We were both really happy, he was opening up to me so much more than he ever had. He shared so many things with me and he even talked about how much closer he felt to me. I really felt his love even though I never heard those words. I thought that may be the best he can do and I will take it. So everything was really looking up and I was so happy and thought maybe he is capable of loving me and it just took some time.

 

Then one stupid night happens, one comment I make offends and we are done. He is a completely different person. Actually, worse than I have ever seen him as far as being distant, angry and hurtful goes.

 

I'm rambling now but all of these things are swirling through my mind.

 

I feel empty.

[quattrob]

April, I believe in time you will truly see that you weren't truly happy with him, never was. You were content with his so called improvements because you were hopeful that it'll get even better.

 

Like you said he gave up on you just like that, he never cared enough about you, he never loved you and he certainly doesnt care about the relationship. You'll find someone else that will truly appreciate and love you the way you deserve.

[dyna85]

It's not that you aren't worth fighting for. It's that this guy has communication issues. Withholding communication in relationships is not healthy.

 

This goes deeper than just the a-hole comment.

 

You said he's done this before with the silent treatment, mind games, and disappearing acts. These all equate to issues with communication.

 

You deserve a partner who can openly discuss what's bothering him rather than shutting you out and leaving you in the dark to suffer.

 

It sounds like you tried to get him to open up, but he wouldn't.

 

It's not your fault, and it's good that you've established a healthy boundary, even if it hurts to have to do so.

 

That is a shame that he was opening up for a while and seemingly breaking out of his old pattern, but I guess old habits die hard?

 

Only he can sort out this issue, which lies with him and not with you.

 

How can you be expected to figure things out with him if he won't talk about it?

[AprilTears]

April, I believe in time you will truly see that you weren't truly happy with him, never was. You were content with his so called improvements because you were hopeful that it'll get even better.

 

Like you said he gave up on you just like that, he never cared enough about you, he never loved you and he certainly doesnt care about the relationship. You'll find someone else that will truly appreciate and love you the way you deserve.

 

Thank you. For whatever reason it does make me feel better to read the "truth" from someone who is on the outside looking in.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

[AprilTears]

It's not that you aren't worth fighting for. It's that this guy has communication issues. Withholding communication in relationships is not healthy.

 

This goes deeper than just the a-hole comment.

 

You said he's done this before with the silent treatment, mind games, and disappearing acts. These all equate to issues with communication.

 

You deserve a partner who can openly discuss what's bothering him rather than shutting you out and leaving you in the dark to suffer.

 

It sounds like you tried to get him to open up, but he wouldn't.

 

It's not your fault, and it's good that you've established a healthy boundary, even if it hurts to have to do so.

 

That is a shame that he was opening up for a while and seemingly breaking out of his old pattern, but I guess old habits die hard?

 

Only he can sort out this issue, which lies with him and not with you.

 

How can you be expected to figure things out with him if he won't talk about it?

 

Thank you for your words. I tried very hard. I honestly thought he finally saw that I was not like his other relationships and I was truly someone who loved him even with all of his faults (and he has many as you have read). Then he snapped.

 

I shouldn't be surprised but I guess I am. It is a shame and I am very saddened by everything that has happened. I know that he is gone for good and I feel like all the time and effort I put in meant nothing to him.

 

I just had to end it after my last ditch effort to discuss it with him. He did send me one final message after I broke it off. All it did was hurt me further in that it reiterated that my reasons for calling him a name wasn't good enough. He even said that he loves everything about me but this one incident has made it difficult for him to go on (with me).

 

I didn't respond to that nonsense and started no contact immediately.

 

And I am dying!

[darkbloom]

You are right. I don't think he ever thought I would go. I just wish I knew what he was thinking. I don't know why I want to know. I am just looking for that validation I presume. The validation that maybe he did care. I am not perfect but I felt like he expected me to be. I especially feel that way now since it has ended over something so strange (in my opinion).

 

Everything that he has done during our relationship has caused me concern but I pressed on. I do one thing that causes him concern (about my character) and he flips out and is done with me by absolutely refusing to address the issue.

 

Even though I ended it I feel like I was the one dumped.

 

I think you will always want to know what he is thinking. It won't make you feel better even if you did know. I want the validation as well. I want to know that it was important that everything mattered. I don't know if that will ever happen. It seems strange that someone that you supported and loved can leave you with nothing.

 

I fell in love with someone who was emotionally unavailable. To anyone. I thought that if I showed him how much I loved him and persisted he would eventually come around. (I tried to fix him. So wrong.)

 

He broke up with me but I technically ended it once and for all. I would consider him the dumper but he would probably consider me the dumper. He wanted to remain friends. So he could suck me of my emotional energy and I would get nothing in return I presume.

 

I think about how I would talk to him everyday. Even if I contacted him ( I wanted to last night, but I deleted all of his contact info so I did not) he would always leave me wanting more. Feeling like I gave so much of myself and never got any validation in return.

 

Try meditating for the pain. I would have panic attacks at work and have to go meditate for ten minutes to calm me down enough to breathe. I would also fuel my rage into my workouts. The first few days are so hard.

[AprilTears]

I think you will always want to know what he is thinking. It won't make you feel better even if you did know. I want the validation as well. I want to know that it was important that everything mattered. I don't know if that will ever happen. It seems strange that someone that you supported and loved can leave you with nothing.

 

I fell in love with someone who was emotionally unavailable. To anyone. I thought that if I showed him how much I loved him and persisted he would eventually come around. (I tried to fix him. So wrong.)

 

He broke up with me but I technically ended it once and for all. I would consider him the dumper but he would probably consider me the dumper. He wanted to remain friends. So he could suck me of my emotional energy and I would get nothing in return I presume.

 

I think about how I would talk to him everyday. Even if I contacted him ( I wanted to last night, but I deleted all of his contact info so I did not) he would always leave me wanting more. Feeling like I gave so much of myself and never got any validation in return.

 

Try meditating for the pain. I would have panic attacks at work and have to go meditate for ten minutes to calm me down enough to breathe. I would also fuel my rage into my workouts. The first few days are so hard.

 

I feel everything you said so much. Especially the bolded part! I was always just waiting for something, some "proof" that he loved me since I knew I would never hear it. I finally started to really feel it and I was finally happy with him.

 

We talked about almost everything in the beginning so I knew a lot about him and his past relationships as he did about mine. Looking back now on those conversations I see many reasons why I should've run. But I thought he was just with bad people back then. Now I realize it was HIM who was the bad person and drove those relationships apart.

 

Boy was I ever blinded by my feelings for him.

 

Sorry about your situation. It sounds so very similar to mine at least in what we were trying to get out of our relationships with them.

 

My mind is making me nuts! Is he in "No contact" because I broke it off with him? Does he even care that I did? Does he even care that I am not contacting him? Is he surprised that I am stronger than he realized? Is he surprised that I have gone all weekend without contacting him? Is he hurting because I broke it off? Is he hurting because I didn't contact him? Is he giving me some time to cool down before he reaches out? Is he thinking "Thank God" she is finally gone?

 

WHY DO I EVEN CARE?? I know I shouldn't BUT I DO!

 

On one hand I want him to reach out so that I know he is at least thinking of me. How sad is that though? He treated me terribly. He should be the last person I want to hear from. But I do. I do so very bad. I want him to tell me he made a mistake and he is sorry. I want him to say that he should have talked to me about it instead of treating me like dirt. I want him to admit that he took me for granted. I WANT HIM TO BE SOMEONE HE ISN'T. That is the bottom line and it is not reality. I have got to remember that.