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Nervous first time post.


Dallix

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Hey everyone, first time poster here but always came to this site for relationship advice and coping. I left out some details on thins to make sure the post doesn't get TOO long. Like the fights, they got really bad, involving cops twice. Ask if you want any questions about details. I was dating this girl for around 6 months, ended last month like a week or so after the 15th. We rushed things really fast when we first met, she wanted me to move in right after we met and I decided to take the risk since I have always tried to play things safe before. After awhile I noticed she was always drinking, I was naive to Alcoholism before I met her so I didn't pick on on the signs right away.

 

Turns out the reason she wanted to move in together so quickly was because she just lost her job 3 weeks before meeting her. Fast forward a little bit further and the fights started happening. At first she would just say mean things, but as time went on she started getting violent. I tried to leave twice but each time she promised to change and I believed her. Not long after I met her she also wanted to get married right away, but I didn't flat out say yes because I am still getting to know her but besides the fighting and drinking I still somehow fell in love with her.

 

Second time I tried to break things off and we reconciled, she was about to get kicked out of the place we were staying since I was the only one that could pay the rent and she sabotaged my friendships with my neighbors so I refused to live there anymore, so we ended up moving to another town into a trailer till we could get something better. She was always critical about the places we looked at though, it had to be perfect to her tastes and for her 5 year old son to visit, her ex was a huge jerk who kept using any excuse to prevent her from seeing her son, other times he was fine with it. The trailer condition was bad, and it started to weigh on both of us. 3 months in living there we found out she was pregnant.

 

She wanted to get an abortion but I wanted to keep the kid. Not too long ago she wanted a kid with me and now her mind has changed.I was trying to be supportive despite my feelings toward it and she ididn't want to make the final say so I said I would and told her to get it. Seemed like she was determined to go that direction. So before I sold off the trailer we decided to live apart and hit the reset button on our relationship since we had moved so fast. She got the abortion that I gave her the money for, but ended up having it paid by the donation people for abortions. She kept that money plus some extra I had given her.

 

A couple days after the abortion she disappeared, no phone calls or texts, and no replies from mine. Every other day I would text her to tell her I loved her and miss her. Hoped she was doing ok. After a few weeks she finally replied telling me she needs to move on. After prying out why, it turns out she met another guy and moved in with him. She was kicked out of the place she was staying at(Most likely due to her drinking issues) and she had met him through them so he took her in. I had an emotional breakdown from keeping all my feelings in towards how I felt about the abortion. Guilt, grief , etc. On top of that the concern for her safety and well being. I ended up in a mental health hospital for a week for trying to commit suicide.

 

Fast forward past that after I got out, I got a random call from an unkown number late at night. It was the guy she was with. He said she wanted to come see me. Afer hesitation I said ok. He proceeded to tell me she gave him a black eye and also that they got married, asked if she would get a little to close and flirty with other guys(which she did when drunk). I told him, that's what she does. She told him I would get jealous when I actually didn't. She did that and threatened that she could F*ck any other guy she wanted I always told her to go then, she would be making the final decision. She never did till now. I told him what he is getting into and good luck. He tried a couple times to put her on the phone but she refused to. She only spoke up when I told him I tried to leave twice. She yelled in the background, drunk of course..Yeah you tried to leave me. I tried to leave because I was sick of the drinking and her hurting me, my stuff, and herself while drunk. I wish I didn't have to try to leave but it got to be too much.

 

So now I'm in the coping stage, been feeling a lot better and am glad I am out of that relationship, I still do love her and miss her. Admittedly, I hope thier marriage fails and she tries to come back, I won't take her back but after the way she left, having that power would make moving on so much easier. So I would like to know if there is a good chance she will try. I was very good too her. For many months I was patient with the drinking and would pick her up countless time figuratively and literally. Tell her how much I loved her and cared about her. Tried whatever I could to make our relationship work with the drinking. Now I know it was all up to her. She tried a few times to detox but failed. Wasn't towards the end that I started to fight back when she got violent. Would hold her down and sometimes get a little too rough while doing it. Slapped her twice. I felt horrible, I was never that kind of guy before I met her.

 

Anyway, I been doing great with NC, I did the begging and pleading thing when she first broke it off. Last I heard about them is when he called me. Knowing they got married shook me up pretty bad. and she never did come to see me, just used me to get at him in thier fight. They met, she cheated moved in and married all within the same month of the breakup and abortion. Usually someone cheats and leave with someone they have known for awhile, but under the circumstances, I know they just met. and she is following the same pattern she did with me. All she did in the relationship was use me from day one. Used me for a roof for her and her son when he comes to visit, and money to fuel her drinking. I don't want to know anymore since I rather not hurt anymore. but as I mentioned before, I do hope she does try to come back..

Edited by Dallix
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Why do you want to come back?

 

This girl is one hot mess. BE GLAD she's out of your life.

 

Such drama and problems!!

 

You know she was wrong for you, even if you did love her. She makes bad choices.

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I know. It's irrational feeling I wish would just leave. Some reason I miss her and still love her after everything I have gone through. Still so much detail to tell.. Hearing others say it really helps get rid of the bad feelings. So thank you.

Edited by Dallix
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Be thankful you dodged a bullet. There is literally nothing positive she can add to your life. Go out and actually enjoy life without her.

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Thank you. I have been doing alot of that lately, trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone.

 

If you can afford take a vacation and live it up. If you can't at least see a movie and go out to eat then listen to some good music at home. Thank god you didn't marry her.

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Wish I could. I quit my job and moved to a new location for her to make the relationship work. She drained me and left pretty much.

 

Then be glad that you didn't actually marry her because you can still rebuild your life without owing her jack. You had to learn a lesson the hard way but don't make the same mistake again in the future.

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I don't. But the emotions don't agree and it's driving me nuts.

 

Give yourself time then and grieve the loss. Keep busy and keep telling yourself you don't want her. Eventually your heart will catch up to what you already know. Once you detach and feel less for her, it'll get easier.

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Thank you for the support. The peoples stories and experiences on this forum have helped me get through so much. Glad I joined and got to tell my story. Worst Breakup I ever had.

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Oh man, what a story. You still miss her because you are still chemically attached to her. Also the fact that you know you have another person backing you up does lift our spirits. She failed the second aspect, but you still are left with the hopes of what you thought to have found to be mourned (and lets not forget the baby). On top of that there is the betrayal. She may have been a user and abuser, but the way you feel unfortunately is natural. So give yourself some slack, you will need time to feel better.

 

I also have the feeling that you are kind and caring, perhaps a bit too kind and caring. Do not change your kindness, but my guess is that you were attracted to her for a reason, I am guessing she resembled familiar things of people in your childhood. These things can be very implicit and sometimes are hard to fond and acknowledge, but they have the result that you are willing to go very far in taking care to please the other. I am guilty as charged when it comes to that. That means work on yourself, it does for me.

 

Good luck man.

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You hit the Nail on the head describing me. I give it my all in a relationship and care too much. This one I stopped taking care of myself and tried to take care of her. She really needed it. Still hurts knowing she married someone else a couple weeks after meeting somebody else, but I have been doing better and working on making myself a better person. Going to be seeing a therapist for what I went through and on top of that witnessed a man get hit by a car last night, and trying to do CPR on the mangled body. 2015 has been one hell of a year so far...

Edited by Dallix
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Itspointless
You hit the Nail on the head describing me. I give it my all in a relationship and care too much. This one I stopped taking care of myself and tried to take care of her. She really needed it. Still hurts knowing she married someone else a couple weeks after meeting somebody else, but I have been doing better and working on making myself a better person. Going to be seeing a therapist for what I went through and on top of that witnessed a man get hit by a car last night, and trying to do CPR on the mangled body. 2015 has been one hell of a year so far...

You can be very proud of what you did last night. But it is traumatic to do, I hope you have people to talk with.

 

It is no wonder you are hurt. Seeing s therapist is a great idea as you can work on the fact why you want to take care of others. Perhaps it is also is an idea to read some posts by Downtown as perhaps you recognize things your ex did to you. I wouldn't be surprised that she has a pd under her belt as her behavior is really off. Downtown knows a lot about it, much more than I do.

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Thank you. It didn't hit me till later, but the feelings that I got were terrible. Also felt abit guilty because he died, even though he was already a gone because of how his neck..and the hole in his head. No one to talk to yet. Looking for a good therapist.

 

I will look up Downtown's post. Hearing others experiences that are the same help. What is pd? She has pots disease, short for the very long complicated word. Top of that is alchoholism to tame it among other things. Drank from when she woke up to when she slept. Lost count how many times I had to pick her up off the floor, or take her her home from the neighbors. Hurt herself bad few times from falling down face first.

 

She had her problems for sure... Another is missing her kid who is with her jacka** of an ex. but honestly he is now better off there. Don't miss the fights every night though for sure lol. Every night she got emotionally abusive which led to physical attacks..which after months of it caused me to start getting rough. So..yeah. Lots of personally problems. She cheated on her ex too and always transitioned from 1 relationship to the next. Being 35 and losing her looks from age and her illness bothered her too, she was very vain. But she had very good sides to her which caused me to fall for her, could have all been act though now that I look back at it.

 

I could just be the ex sucker with a roof and wallet to fuel her addiction till I had enough and she grabs another roof guy. but yeah, wasn't counting on this post being so long . Sorry lol.

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Itspointless

Do not worry, 9000 words is in my world the beginning of long.

 

You know you have been very important for him in his last moments. He probably wasn't at conscience, but your presence and your touch have made a difference. Being there is the greatest gift you can give to people who are dying.

 

Sorry for the lazy-speak (I should know better as English is not my language), a pd is a personality disorder. Downtown has a vast knowledge about them. He regularly advices people on this board, especially when they have experiences with bpd like he has. It could be that her heart disease had some influence on her behaviour.

 

I do not know if being into you was a act, perhaps it wasn't. Often people have beautiful traits alongside their horrible traits. Also do not underestimate that she may have been trash-talking about her ex. The stories you have hard can be blown out of proportion or just plain lies. One thing is for sure, he has fallen in her trap too, just as the poor chap who was phoning you.

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Dallix, I agree with ItsPointless that you seem to be describing some of the warning signs for a PD, particularly for BPD and/or narcissism. Of course, only a professional can diagnose your exGF. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the warning signs if you take a little time to learn what behaviors are red flags.

I had an emotional breakdown from keeping all my feelings in towards how I felt about the abortion. Guilt, grief , etc. On top of that the concern for her safety and well being. I ended up in a mental health hospital for a week for trying to commit suicide.... Worst Breakup I ever had.

If you were living with a BPDer or narcissist, it is not surprising that you started to doubt your own sanity, Dallix. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And, to a lesser extent, narcissism (NPD) has the same effect on many of the abused partners.

 

It is very disorienting and confusing to live with someone who can flip in seconds between adoring you and devaluing (or even hating) you. The abused partner mistakenly thinks that, if he can only figure out what HE is doing wrong, he can restore his abusive partner to that wonderful woman he saw during the infatuation period.

 

This is not to say, however, that you did nothing to contribute to the toxic relationship. Most likely, your contribution was being an excessive caregiver (like me), with the result that your personal boundaries were far too low and you ended up "enabling" your partner's bad behavior by tolerating her tantrums and rages.

 

All she did in the relationship was use me from day one.
Whereas a BPDer is capable of truly loving you (albeit, in an immature way), a full-blown narcissist or sociopath is not able to love. Hence, if you are really convinced she NEVER did love you, the warning signs you're describing here are those associated with narcissism or sociopathy, not borderline personality disorder.

 

I will look up Downtown's post. Hearing others experiences that are the same help.
Dallix, I suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 Warning Signs. I suspect you will find most of those signs to sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. As to your apparent excessive caregiver nature, you will find a good description of it in Shari Schreiber's article, Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved?. If those descriptions ring any bells, I would be glad to join ItsPointless in discuss them with you. Take care, Dallix.
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I don't know if she has any of that except possibly narcissism. She was just always drinking and I rarely seen her sober anymore except a coupe times she tried self detoxing a couple times. longest time she was sober was 2 weeks. When she was sober I remembered why I loved her. Completely different and more enjoyable to be around. Just to clarify. her illness wasn't a heart disease. Not fully sure what it was. Another thing I feel guilty of is not being able to be there for the abortion. I was living an hour and a half away and gave her all the money I had left. Only way I could have come is if she drove down to get me using the money I gave her for gas. Would have been a total of 5 trips. She probably holds it against me for not being there, and I blame myself as well. I'm not blind to my mistakes in the relationship and it ending. :(

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Every time I start feeling down or start to miss her, I come to my post to reread what all of you have to say. Using all the advice everyone has been giving and it has really been helping. Seeing it being a new month gave the the holy crap she really is gone realization for some reason heh.

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  • 2 months later...
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So bit of an update. I been doing really well and got my life back on track and focusing Just got a call today from my ex's ex. Apparently her new husband is in jail for a DUI, she just got out of the hospital yesterday after getting beaten up and her car stolen and is now supposedly homeless since they were paying weekly for the crap hole they were staying at. He called trying to find her, and is worried about her since she is the mother of his kid. Now I'm worried. No matter what she did to me I still care about her and want her safe. Little hurt she didn't try to reach out to me. Guess I was basically forgotten. I know I can't do anything but it really killed my mood for the day.

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Dallix, thanks for returning to give us an update. Was wondering how you two are doing. I'm glad to hear you've healed sufficiently to feel strong compassion for your Ex while, at the same time, realizing that you don't want her back, you can't fix her, and she would only tolerate your presence if you returned to doing that "enabling" behavior that is so harmful to her. What you're doing now -- and properly so -- is allowing her to suffer the logical consequences of her own actions and decisions.

 

But yes, I know, it's scary as hell to watch it all play out. Following my divorce, for example, I was very saddened to learn that my BPDer exW's breast cancer had returned and she had to have a double mastectomy -- without me being around to emotionally support her. So I have some understanding of how you must feel to stand there watching a train wreck as it unfolds.

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crimsontactics

Bro, you don't need us to tell you what to do, you already know what to do yourself, but you just can't accept it.

 

Just so you know, most of the time, the right thing to do is the hardest!

 

Be strong!

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