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Has anyone taken a complete break for a year or 2 from dating?


BunHeadLA

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Hi everyone. First time poster, and I really don't want to make it long or boring or sound like I am being down on myself or anything like that. I am actually in counseling and trying to deal with a lot of stuff.

 

 

Basically in a nutshell I have never had luck with dating. My first boyfriend was in my early 20's, we lasted 6 years and 3 of those we had no affection or intimacy but we were young and for some reason thought it was okay.. after we broke up I was raped, stranded in a strange city, hooked up with an old friend 3 years after, had a one night stand but basically nothing... I have had other bad experiences that have basically left me pretty scared and frightened of men. I entered into a relationship with my male roommate and it was on again off again and he about 90% of the time CLEARLY wasn't into me... I was stalked by a very creepy 60 year old man and then finally met "Joe" Joe was the man of my dreams. He was the first person in 10 years to genuinely take an interest in me and he was everything I wanted. He was friends with my roommate, there were some issues with that but we were crazy about each other.

 

 

Last year he picked a fight and then dumped me over text, a month later he had a new girlfriend and they have been together ever since.. :( that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I have probably cried everyday since then. He called me last April then this past fall but never called me back. He blocked me from everything and recently started working with roommate again. My roommate told me he was recently in a motorcycle accident so I reached out to our mutual friend to see if he was okay. Later Joe told roommate to stop gossiping about him and then deleted his reddit... it seems like he is doing everything in his power to show how much he dislikes me (I know it may not all be about me, but this is not the first time I heard this gossiping thing... and we are all in our late 20's and early 30's so we're a bit old I think... ) other instances has happened to prove that.

 

 

Now the thing is, most of my friends and family members who have broken up have gotten back with their exes and are happy now... I want to be that person, and I have tried to date and talk to men but they terrify me.

 

 

I have decided for the next year or 2 to remain single, celibate and not even go on a casual date. I think that is best for me. My friends accuse me of doing that to wait for Joe, I'm doing it to protect my sanity to be honest! Things that have happened to me have led me to this conclusion and I'm glad for other people who can move on easier and find someone new. I get genuinely asked out once every 10 years... and that is not an exaggeration. So I'm used to being single and I'm fine with it.

 

 

I am curious to know if anyone has taken a long break and if it helped at all?

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I did, and I will briefly share my experience with you.

 

I was living in Florida at the time and had been dating/living with this girl for 4 years. Everything was perfect. We got along really well and NEVER had any arguments. We worked together, lived together and then did everything outside of work together...

 

During our 4th year together, she got a promotion at work, which required a relocation across the country. I was able to also do a transfer so we packed up the moving truck and moved across the country - not knowing anyone in this brand new big city.

 

About 3 months into the move, I started noticing a change with her. Long story short, one day I got the dreaded "I just don't feel like myself anymore. I think I need to rediscover who I am".... Also known as - she was making a crap ton of money now - able to support herself - and was banging some new dude in her office.....

 

My heart was broke. I was devastated. I was planning on proposing to her and told my entire family.... Instead, she kicked me out of our new place, I was forced to find a new place - in a city I barely knew.. And start life over...

 

Obviously I was heartbroken and felt like trash - and this is how I actually stumbled across this site (this was about 5 years ago)....

 

I told myself that I wasn't going to date or look for love for ONE year. I decided to work on myself. At age 30, and a decent looking guy, I made the commitment to get braces - to correct some crooked teeth and a bite issue I had always had... I was scared as crap. I opted for Invisalign - which are the clear retainers - but still.. At age 30, single, this was a huge leap for me....

 

After about a year of living alone, and meeting new people - all while working on my new Hollywood smile, this girl came out of nowhere into the picture. She didn't care that I had braces. She liked me for who I was. It was literally love at first site...

 

So long story short... Yes. I took over a year off, to work on myself. Love came out of the blue. It was magical - however, sadly, she broke up with me about 4 months ago... Long story - read my earlier posts...

 

But hey, at least I have a perfect smile now ;)

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Thanks DenverDude what you went through was rough :( I'm glad to know someone else took a lot of time off. I've been debating in Invisalign too!!

 

I know my friends mean well but I'm not going to make even a sweet person happy if I full on have a panic attack before we get our appetizers!!! I can't talk about ex or anyones relationship or potentially falling in love without sobbing... Yea time off is needed!

 

My roommate mentioned that he saw the new gf at work and I said I hoped I snagged a millionaire after what happened with me... I was kidding and roommate talking about how he found true love through acceptance and all I wanted was money.. That hurt because I did love and accept him. He told me he loved me too at one point... Then he said he didn't even know if they were happy.

Edited by BunHeadLA
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I did take a break from dating for a year or so in my mid-twenties, after a disappointing dating situation and then a few more disappointing dates. I just felt really frustrated and said screw it.

 

However, this time, I'm kind of approaching the situation delicately but not removing myself from the whole possibility of dating again.

 

For starters, given my age (which is similar to that of you and your friends), I don't have time to be giving up completely if I hope to find what I want (a long term relationship with a loving person and maybe kids). I refuse to let someone ruin that dream for me. Screw that.

 

If someone wants to walk away, so be it. I'm not backing down from life this time. I've had so many life experiences at this point to prove to me that life is worth fighting for, and I'm not going to give up on trying, even if I have to fight through these stupid feelings.

 

Screw this Joe dude. Honestly, by keeping focused on that closed door, you're closing yourself off to other opportunities that could be so much better for you.

 

It's been a year. You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep it moving. While you're at it, wave to the losers in the rear view mirror.

 

You deserve better than this crap. I'm telling you, from an unbiased perspective. Please give yourself a chance.

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I hear what your saying but I'm not too comfortable opening myself up. joe was the first person in 10 years that I loved and he threw me away like everyone else :( so I'm focusing on me... Career goals etc. things that a relationship can damage.

 

 

My roommate mentioned that he saw the new gf at work and I said I hoped I snagged a millionaire after what happened with me... I was kidding and roommate talking about how he found true love through acceptance and all I wanted was money.. That hurt because I did love and accept him. He told me he loved me too at one point... Then he said he didn't even know if they were happy. It took 10 years to find him, that's too long to wait again. I will be in my mid 40's. He can't be that bad if he's so happy now

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Cupid's Puppet

I went on a date last month after 8 months of not dating, but I only did so so that I wouldn't have to tell people the last time I've been on a date. But honestly, I could probably go my whole life not dating again. It is very exhausting trying to impress someone who probably just wants to get in my pants.

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ballycastle
I went on a date last month after 8 months of not dating' date=' but I only did so so that I wouldn't have to tell people the last time I've been on a date. But honestly, I could probably go my whole life not dating again. It is very exhausting trying to impress someone who probably just wants to get in my pants.[/quote']

 

I agree. I haven't been on a date for over a year. With my history it's unlikely I will. I tried online dating a few years back but unfortunately the majority were players who wanted a harem of women.

 

I don't think you should be pressurised into dating at all. Despite wanting a significant other I realise the chance of that happening low to zero based on my particular set of circumstances. Everyone is different. I also heard with online dating if you are a non white male you are the least likely to find a match due to people's preferred preferences. If you are Asian less likely and black the least.

 

2 years not dating is probably healthier than serial dating.

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Itspointless

To answer the question asked in the title, oh yes. There have been moments I have been so fed up with all of it. And I guess I still am. As a guy so many woman turn you down while thanking you for the attention. Yeah I gave you attention because I wanted to boost your massive ego somewhat more :mad:

 

I am really sorry for what you went through. For me it also had been a really long time before I found me ex. She unfortunately pushed me away like I was nothing when she was stressed (she really had a rough time). It does make me feel unmotivated to try again. But I guess that is the wrong conclusion. If other people can manage to find someone nice, than why can't we :)

 

It must be hard but try to work on your fears. You know why you do what you do. We all have our own pace (mine is slow too, also due things in the past).

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I took a 3 year break, not intentionally and not because of a bad break up. I guess I needed to work on myself so it was nice to entirely focus on me and address any issues I may have. When you're in that mindset you close the door to lots of opportunities and I don't think that is a good thing. So I would say keep the door open and just go with the flow. If someone comes along great, if not just carry on doing your own thing x

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CrystalShine2011

I took a year break from dating right when I entered college...I wanted to focus on classes and also work on myself. I'm glad I did...

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bubbaganoosh

When my first wife and I got divorce, it was real nasty and ugly. After the divorce was final, I was so damned worn out from the constant battle that I decided to take a step back and heal myself and get the anger out of me because a good friend saw the way I was acting around women and he told me that all women weren't like that disaster I was married to and I was lumping them all in one basket and it wasn't fair.

 

Well he was right. I had to get it out of my system and it took a good two years before I was able to even think of dating but there was the trust issue also.

 

Boils down to this. If your not in the right mind set, then don't go jumping into another relationship because all you'll see is that persons flaws and dwell on them rather than seeing the qualities they have. In other words your denying them a fair chance and not only are you cheating them, your cheating yourself.

 

Date when your ready, not because some friend is puhing you to get back in the game.

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Thank you everyone! Honestly hearing your stories mean a lot to me :) My therapist was trying to convince me to date or ask someone out again... I may when I'm ready but I'm meeting new people and not looking at them romantically etc... just looking at them as cool new people.

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ballycastle
Thank you everyone! Honestly hearing your stories mean a lot to me :) My therapist was trying to convince me to date or ask someone out again... I may when I'm ready but I'm meeting new people and not looking at them romantically etc... just looking at them as cool new people.

 

If your therapist is trying to convince you then I think you need a better one. Are they married/in a relationship?

 

I've been through my fair share and they all had the following a. Long term partners b. Nice big houses. Not to stereotype but I don't imagine some of them can relate to the pain of your break up so they are convincing you to date to perhaps appease to their model of the world ie/I'm OK so you should be.

 

One of mine once when I was in a lot of anguish said 'you'll meet someone soon' which was the thing a best friend should say not a trained practitioner. Needless to say i stopped going.

 

It's your call but its about You not them!!

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I'm actually surprised at her too, she never pressured me before. I am not sure if she is in a relationship but she's around my age so I guess I thought she may understand me a little more.

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Itspointless
I'm actually surprised at her too, she never pressured me before. I am not sure if she is in a relationship but she's around my age so I guess I thought she may understand me a little more.

I can't read in your story the context why your therapist said it. Perhaps it is similar to the reasons I have heard. My therapist who is a lot older than I am (without a long-term partner) tells me that we never are truly ready and sometimes it is good to go out. As it isn't good to lock yourself up and meeting new people without expectations can raise our spirits.

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ballycastle
I can't read in your story the context why your therapist said it. Perhaps it is similar to the reasons I have heard. My therapist who is a lot older than I am (without a long-term partner) tells me that we never are truly ready and sometimes it is good to go out. As it isn't good to lock yourself up and meeting new people without expectations can raise our spirits.

 

True but without the expectation of meeting someone. After a few months away (depression and heart break) I joined 'meet up' and making more of an effort to socialise a lot more and have fun.

 

Don't know what people's views are on the laws of attraction... We are energy sources that attract like energy sources (like atoms attracting atoms)

 

We only attract like so if we are subconsciously down/low self esteem/low self worth we will attract the same. So socialising and doing things that make you happy without the added agenda of replacing your ex is more healthier way to meet the right person for you.

 

Hence why you shouldn't be pressurised by anyone to find a mate.

 

In theory right headspace, right person attracted to you. Meeting like minded others should help with that.

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I think she said it because I believe my ex is the right one for me and the only one.... I am meeting new people but for the purposes of friendship. She thinks it would help to go on a date or 2, but I still live with the roommate who caused a lot of the issues. It's either that right now, or move home 3,000 miles away and that has its own issues.

 

 

My theory is, until I move out I shouldn't try to start anything because it may be the same situation as before, and I also feel like even though it has been a little over a year since our breakup, living where I did and having the peripheral contact with him and our mutual friends, still being friends on Reddit etc... slowed down the grieving process. It's not fair to someone else to be in this situation AND still have feelings for someone. My therapist thinks maybe if I go out I will feel more desirable and see that other guys other than my ex want me too... but I can't do that yet.

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I took a long break from dating. It was called marriage, and it was a bad idea at that time.

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Well, certainly take off as much time as you need. How about you try not to put a time label on it? Sometimes we find what we're looking for when we're not even looking. Who knows who could come along.

 

You sound like a really sweet person, so I do hope you find happiness.

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Thanks! Right now there is so much else going on. I'm trying to find a live in nanny job, dancing a lot with my company, writing my webseries etc.. but the thought of dating someone who is not ex really saddens me. If I end up having to move back east because I can't find a job that's the final nail in the coffin... I know no response is a response but with that silence plus radio silence from mutual friends AND not hearing back about the nanny jobs I am thinking "do I meet people who just LOVE to not deal with stuff and talk about things..." ignore it and it will go away... sighs...

 

 

There is a small part of me that wishes I would get asked out by someone who I feel comfortable with, just to feel desirable again, because I just don't. I just miss him so freaking much. Urgh.

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