Self Reflective Post; INFJ Myers Briggs & Recent Events

[PaperCrane]

Writing this stuff out helps me. No need to read it unless you want to. Having a rather down day so I figured why not.

 

I've been going through a long rough patch recently with my recent year and a half or so of life changes and things relating to relationships. I have always felt I'm off somehow. That I don't function within these aspects like others do.

 

I decided I needed to talk to someone. A psychologist friend of a colleague that I had worked with said she would give me some free time to talk. She wanted me to take a personality test. I had never put much stock into these as I mostly thought of them as another type of 'sign' likened to astrology. She explained the mechanics and science behind it among other studies.

 

I apparently fall into the INFJ personality. Being a male that means I fall somewhere in the 1% or less of the male population. We spent time talking about my past, what I did and how I felt during those times.

 

Things actually make sense now. I'm predisposed to be unhappy in relationships because my natural state of being, while in them, is somewhere between passionate and storybook passionate. I put others needs before my own in almost all things. Not because I lack self worth, but because seeing someone else happy or successful due to my help gives me the greatest joy. To find more happiness in my interpersonal relationships I need to work on expressing my needs without fear of putting off the other person. I can feel things so deeply, I end up projecting my own anxiety onto my partner in the form of perceived rejection of my needs. I may have had dates and a few relationships but I don't think I ever truly opened up to what I wanted from them. The one time I did, in my LTR of 8 years, things immediately went downhill so I defensively shut off my own needs when dating which is probably what turns these women off.

 

I was told that what it seems I truly want is simple authentic emotional reciprocation. That strikes true for me. All of my relationships have failed mostly because I started to wither. I would put all of myself into them full force. That's just how I operate. When I lacked any type of reciprocation I would only run on my own fuel and then it would drain to empty for awhile. During that time my partners or even friends would seem to think I had lost interest in them or didn't care because of the sudden stark contrast. In reality I had simply become overwhelmed. My needs were unmet and I wasn't getting anything to charge my batteries from.

 

This has helped me to cope with my losses. I'm not actually dysfunctional. I'm not broken, I just didn't understand how I worked. It also helped me to identify the types of people I tried with, and why they worked for the time that they did, as well as why they didn't.

 

My recent events cuts deeply because she was actually one of the best type matches there is for me on top of hitting pretty much every interest and physical niche I have. The problems though come from our contrasts in emotional expression. The strength lies in how we complimented each other. She grounded me while I helped her see beauty in things. She would make sure my everyday things weren't overlooked while I helped her explore and have adventures. While I could pick out small details, she could analyze them quickly and find a solution. When her mind was troubled, I had the ability to sense that, and calm her while pulling out the issues so that she could see them, instead of just "banging around her head" as she put it.

 

Even though she is 'seeing someone' she continues in her old ways with me. I have tried to cut that off because of how close we are. She repeatedly tells of how I'm the preferred company insomuch I feel like home to her. She feels as though she can talk and that someone actively listens instead of waiting their turn. In truth I could just spend hours listening to and watching her talk. He has tried to make her stop hanging out with me, saying he doesn't like it and becomes very angry. I've respected her choice is dating who she is although I feel like I used to be yo-yo'd, I now know it's just how I perceive the interaction with how her personality type works through her interpersonal relationships. I wrote about it here

 

I understand that she doesn't want anything romantic with me right now the way I do with her, which will be explained later. It is so hard for me to even find someone that I can connect with in any type of meaningful way, even friends, that when I found someone that attractive and whom I can open up to, I latched on very hard.

 

We've talked in length recently about how mindfully and emotionally we are absolutely perfect for each other. How our future goals align, our desires of where we'd like to live, to the preferred number of children and the type of peanut butter we would stock. It is so uncanny how we are so alike on many things. On the things we are not, we can express why we dislike them, and how we can understand why the other either enjoys that thing or doesn't. When we're home together everything just calms down and feels right. In the same breath I can see why she isn't ready.

 

Perhaps I'm being used. Perhaps I am using her. With my framework of difficulty making deep connections to people, having this person after 29 years of life that I don't feel like a complete alien around is a breath of fresh air. Someone with whom I can speak my thoughts without fear and can feel safe...maybe I'm using her for that emotional intimacy that she has also lacked from all of her relationships. Maybe I am the emotional tampon to her or her to I. This closeness is a feeling I've never had before and I'm just happy to feel it, even if it is tinged with sadness.

 

Learning to navigate this will be hard, but I suppose a bit easier now that I understand why I feel the way I do and why I choose the people that I do. I don't want her out of my life, and she doesn't want me out of hers. She knows I love her, she says she is always sad because she wants to give me the love I deserve but needs more time to grow a little. She says that she doesn't want to risk losing me in a serious relationship now because of some issues she has, because if she had one with me she'd want it to be the last one.

 

The person she is seeing now, as she tells me, was chosen because she doesn't want to be alone. She wants to learn how it feels to be with someone older than her, and for his long term incompatibility. I am told they aren't intimate, that she does not say that she loves him and has explained it is a short term dating arrangement with some physical aspects (kissing and cuddling only). He tries taking it to a much higher level and that makes her increasingly uncomfortable. I don't know how much of this is true but I try not to think about it too much.

 

Now that I can have a grasp on where my feelings and personality lie, I can let go of the pain knowing she's most likely telling the truth to some degree but that I just need to live my life like I've been telling myself for months. I can't hope for a future that isn't certain, even though that's what I want and tend to do because of my focus on future things. Building them is something my mind just focuses on. It's kind of refreshing to have things explained to you with some actual fact behind them with ways to improve areas of yourself, to be mindful of them while maintaining ones self.

 

 

There's actually a couple of good articles on this INFJ personality type.

Edited February 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed commercial links.

[mercuryshadow]

I don't have time to read through your post thoroughly, but I just wanted to let you know that I, too, am an INFJ. It is indeed the rarest personality type. Though I am a female, my relationship history (before now) has a lot of parallels to yours.

[PaperCrane]

May I ask, since your past resembled mine, what was it that changed? Did you do anything in particular to help yourself along?

[amaysngrace]

I have the rare type personality too. I'm not sure what the letters were but did it say you'd be a good professional spy or assassin?

[mercuryshadow]

To answer your question, in short, I learned to appreciate myself. I became proud of what makes me different and did a great deal of introspection. Meditating regularly and making a conscious effort to take care of myself helped. This, in turn, helped me to become stronger and to start making healthier decisions. I put emotionally unavailable or draining partners behind me. When I met my H, he was not initially my type, and I quickly found out why that was a good thing! Our relationship was effortless, and that was something I had never experienced (in regards to dating).

 

Sorry so brief, I have studying to do but wanted to get back to you. You may not realize it yet but I think you are on the right track. Best of luck.

[elaine567]

I have the rare type personality too. I'm not sure what the letters were but did it say you'd be a good professional spy or assassin?

 

That sounds fairly psychopathic.

[PaperCrane]

I have the rare type personality too. I'm not sure what the letters were but did it say you'd be a good professional spy or assassin?

 

Haha, no . I was better suited for world domination .

 

 

To answer your question, in short, I learned to appreciate myself. I became proud of what makes me different and did a great deal of introspection. Meditating regularly and making a conscious effort to take care of myself helped. This, in turn, helped me to become stronger and to start making healthier decisions. I put emotionally unavailable or draining partners behind me. When I met my H, he was not initially my type, and I quickly found out why that was a good thing! Our relationship was effortless, and that was something I had never experienced (in regards to dating).

 

Sorry so brief, I have studying to do but wanted to get back to you. You may not realize it yet but I think you are on the right track. Best of luck.

 

Thanks for the reply! I bolded the areas I think are really relevant to myself in terms of things I'd need to focus on.

 

I'm always hiding myself to a degree, and I hate it. Everyone I've ever dated has always been unable to invest emotionally into a relationship which leaves me drained since it's then all of mine propelling the relationship.

 

The girl I spoke at length about falls into the final bolded areas but kind of as an enigma. She's an ISTP, I know this because she took a few tests as well, all giving that response. We have the exact same cognitive functions but in a different order so we naturally balance each other, however she express them oppositely which is really fascinating to me. When we're together everything is just flawlessly easy. It used to be kind of unsettling.

 

Even if this doesn't work out at least I know what kind of flow I need to actually look for when with someone. I used to always think it was normal to require tremendous effort on my part while in a dating or relationship scenario, but really it isn't.

[central]

When I first met my wife, I asked her to take that same personality test, and she is an INFJ. I'm an INTJ. So, we're both rare types. But for her it was a revelation to understand herself and feel that she was normal even if she was not like most other people.

 

If using this information for relationships, then finding someone with the same communication style is key. So Nx types work best with other Nx types, and Sx types with other Sx's. There's more to it, but that's the main take-away point.

 

As for us, our relationship is also effortless, but in addition to being matched in terms of personality/communication types, we are highly compatible in other ways and share many of the same interests and attitudes.

[mercuryshadow]

My H is an INTJ, too, central. Just to be clear, every relationship has its conflicts or issues, but in our case, my H and I are able to resolve issues due to our compatible communication styles. And unlike in past relationships, he actually contributes to the relationship in the ways that I need. There are certain things we both need to work on within ourselves that are recognized; for instance, my H can be a little controlling at times, and I can become distant when I feel overwhelmed, but overall, our relationship is very healthy and we complement each other well.

[PaperCrane]

I think the common thread here is not only compatible types but emotionally stable and mature compatible types willing to put in real effort and have that reflected back. Reciprocation!

 

I'm glad you guys are working well together, it's good to hear something not so melancholy on this forum from time to time.

[mercuryshadow]

Didn't intend to jack your thread, Papercrane. I was around your age when I had a strong self-realization that allowed me to move on from old habits and to grow. I believe that remaining in unhealthy relationships and situations stunted my emotional growth. I spent years taking burdens entirely upon myself, never allowing myself to see where the fault may lie elsewhere. My need to protect, preserve and nurture was in OD, and it was clouding my ability to see the imbalance. I had to learn (the hard way) how to let go. It was the kindest thing I've ever done for myself, though it was not easy.

[PaperCrane]

Oh and how I wish I could be kind to myself. I'm too hard on myself because I feel like if I were to give myself the leeway I give with others, I'll just replicate their behavior and let myself down.

[mercuryshadow]

It may seem counter-intuitive at first, but putting up with others' bad behaviors or selling for less will likely bring you right down with them, even if you manage to hang in there for a while. By staying, you are doing both yourself and them a disservice.

[Itspointless]

I apparently fall into the INFJ personality. Being a male that means I fall somewhere in the 1% or less of the male population.

Well 'apparently' it seems that we share two things: being INFJ and male I am in my mid thirties. I also only found out last year that I can call myself one (I detest categories to be honest). It gives some answers doesn't it? I have been working on myself for much longer though, it complemented what I already knew about myself. Unfortunately finding a real and true connection is rare, but I guess that is what it is.

Even though she is 'seeing someone' she continues in her old ways with me. I have tried to cut that off because of how close we are. She repeatedly tells of how I'm the preferred company insomuch I feel like home to her. She feels as though she can talk and that someone actively listens instead of waiting their turn. In truth I could just spend hours listening to and watching her talk.

Please stop this behaviour of hers. You know I regularly have people tellling me their life-stories, even strangers I meet on the street. When I was young it made me proud, but at a sudden moment I realized that people only found me when they needed me, worse even often they weren't there for me when I needed them. Even in high school some girls knew to find me for things they did not even tell their best girlfriends. I apparently had become their private therapist. Stop doing that. I know, I know I could listen to my ex for hours, it was heaven. But your ex made the choice to stop the relation. Do not be her therapist or ask a fee. Seriously!

Edited February 27, 2015 by Itspointless

[PaperCrane]

Please stop this behaviour of hers. You know I regularly have people telling me their life-stories, even strangers I meet on the street. When I was young it made me proud, but at a sudden moment I realized that people only found me when they needed me, worse even often they weren't there for me when I needed them.

 

It may seem counter-intuitive at first, but putting up with others' bad behaviors or selling for less will likely bring you right down with them, even if you manage to hang in there for a while. By staying, you are doing both yourself and them a disservice.

 

Oh how true this rings. Especially when I am promised they will be there when and if I do need them. Then they are not. Nowhere to be found or with but a "oh, I'm sorry hope things work out!". Someone I knew, whom I've spent countless hours helping and moving forward with them in baby steps so they could pull themselves out of the muck they've found themselves in, only was able to say the aforementioned phrase when I came to them in my hour of need.

 

 

I know, I know I could listen to my ex for hours, it was heaven. But your ex made the choice to stop the relation. Do not be her therapist or ask a fee. Seriously!

 

I know too. All too well in fact. I'll get there eventually. In the meanwhile I'll keep poking this bruise to remind myself I can feel something.

[Itspointless]

In the meanwhile I'll keep poking this bruise to remind myself I can feel something.

You do not need that bruise to know that you FEEL, I can tell you that much.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I am an INTJ. I am happy that I know it because I understand myself much better now. Unfortunately I think I have heard that INTJ women are often single. I know I have a lot of love to give and I have even managed to disguise my inner nerd in an elegant and feminine package. But I think most guys simply smell that I am not your average woman. I cannot flirt. I cannot play the typical games women play. A lot of men probably find me aloof but there's a lot going on inside of me.

Not that I do anything totally weird. But I am very passionate about certain sports for example. I would stay home for a soccer match. I definitely would stay home for a tennis match. I have traveled to the other side of the world to see a tennis tournament.

I really love to study and at 50 I am following a full curriculum at university after my work hours. Once this is finished I would like to learn how to DJ (I am crazy about music and this is something I would love to do).

 

My perfect partner is most probably a worldly nerd like myself.