Jmal1994 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 The past 3 weeks have been incredibly hard and difficult for myself, but have gotten better as the days have gone on. Let me outline the situation for you guys... My ex and I split up after 2years 8months together, we are both 20 years old, she is in her first year of college, living at home two minutes away from me, I'm in my final year living at home too, our relationship was doting, loving, we were each other's first love, first mates, we shared everything together, told each other about our deepest problems and troubles, but since she started university, she changed, started hanging out with people she usually wouldn't and drifted away from me. Now being the nice guy I am, I sought and fought for our relationship, but came over jealous and needy in the end, and she fell for someone else, although she didn't want to leave me, she just fancied this new guy. Long story short, my ex seems to have GIGS at the moment, this guy is the complete opposite of me, she spends all her time with him, and he has even stayed around her house, (her mother can't stand this new guy, and talks to me everyday). I have kept little contact since the breakup, to help myself heal, but to make her miss me, which she says she does. I have been out quite a bit recently, playing new sports, exercising and hanging out with friends, including a girl I work with who has feelings for me, but I have reassured her we are just friends. I have improved myself, but still have negative days, and the ulterior motive to win back my ex exists. She has encouraged me to move on and is acting very amicable around me, but these mixed signals are confusing me. I had asked her to hang out, no chat about relationship, just casual things, not about her emotions, just chit chat about movies, TV, family, memories? I understand that most of you will say this is stupid, she has agreed to meet up, she has been encouraging it but has refrained from asking. I suggested a walk, in neutral territory, to make it comfortable for both of us. I hope she realised the mistake she has made, and that she will return eventually, because I understand she needs these experience, to find if there is something better out there, heck so do I, but I want to keep something there between us for the door to remain open. Now this is where I am stuck, I have said so much to this girl, she has told me loads too, I know we are both young, but we have already done loads together, many holidays, spontaneous trips, camping trips around a fire, all the lovey dovey things etc.. I feel you can't just completely erase that person completely. I have seen in the past few weeks my mistakes; my jealousy towards this 'friend' she was texting; my neediness to protect our relationship; my plans for a future that she wasn't ready for; as well as many habits that made us too comfortable. I know these things I can change, but the thing is, how do I convey this, I believe meeting up is a good idea, to reaffirm attraction, but is all hope lost? Any advice welcome Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 A meetup sounds like a terrible idea. Why are you torturing yourself this way? She has a new boyfriend. Please stop talking to her mother, give yourself some time and space away from her and her family. Go completely No Contact, online and off -- doesn't have to be forever, but you should have at the very least a few months to recover. Contact isn't helping you. It isn't rebuilding attraction, just the opposite. It isn't helping you heal.... in fact, it's slowing your healing. And it's keeping her from ever missing you. It's a lose/lose/lose. There's a No Contact Guide listed here on this site, and here's one about breakup recovery that's very helpful, too: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jmal1994 Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Thank you, I kind of had mixed feelings about doing this, I understand that it is a terrible idea, I do carry an ulterior motive and that is just selfish. I will go no contact again, but I don't know how, do I just ignore her, I have her on social media, what do I do there? I'm confused about it all still! Is this GIGS, I don't want to turn her away completely Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Whether or not this is GIGS, a rebound, or the love of her life.... your job right now is to protect yourself from any new pain so you can heal and move on with your life regardless of what she does and who she does it with. Going No Contact will help you heal. Read the guides for more information on how to go about this. Just go ahead and block her everywhere. If she finds a way to reach you and asks why, you can let her know (in a nice way) you just need some time without contact so you can move on. But this contact with her and her family has to stop. You're not doing yourself any favors by offering yourself up as a platonic friend... or worse, as a Plan B option in case it doesn't work out with her new boyfriend. You can and will get through this. And if she decides at some point down the road that she wants to get back together.... don't worry, she'll let you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jmal1994 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 Today was better for me, after an excruciating dream last night that resulted in me being ill, I had the realisation that there is nothing I can do anymore, I have to heal and she has to move on, I can't stop her from what she wants, despite all her confusions My ex did try to contact me today for the meet up, but I said I was too busy this week, and I left it at that, her mother tried to phone and I ignored it, it felt bad but I realise I needed to do it I do still get thoughts of her, with another guy, this 'just a friend', but I shake them off and think about my future, which is still hard, because she was a part of it, but not anymore 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Good for you!! Keep it up -- it sounds like you're doing all the right things to help yourself heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jmal1994 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Right guys, my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, we were together for almost 3 years and were each other's first love, we are both 20 but at different stages in our life, I'm graduating college this year, she is in her first year She broke up with me because she developed an infatuation with someone else, I had naturally got jealous pre-break up about her texting this 'friend', since then she has spent a bit of time with him, he has stayed around her house, he's 2 years younger, which creeps me out. I have had negative days, but recently I have been more positive, focusing on other things, I recently suggested we meet up to chat about our week, no relationship chat, just general chitchat, she was excited to do so, but I suggested we wait, I said I was really busy this week. Since then, she has contacted me again, asking me how I am and how my week is going, I receive a couple of texts every couple of days, my replies are friendly but firm, I'm playing my cards close to my chest, after all, she did break my heart. But she keeps implying we meet up, I caved in and said I would possibly meet, but only if she was single, (and not with this new guy). She said she wasn't with him, and that she really misses her best friend (me!). I have yet to respond! This is confusing indeed for me, I understand that most comments will tell me no contact is the best for me to heal, I do of course love this girl still and understand she needs time to figure out what she wants, I'm moving on still and appreciate her still texting me, it's like she still thinks about me! What do you guys suggest? Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Here is your BIG mistake, right here: ....I recently suggested we meet up to chat about our week, no relationship chat, just general chitchat, A break up is final. There can be NO friendship, when feelings are confused and go up and down. You cannot be friends with someone you still believe you have feelings for. The purpose of a break up is to go your separate ways.... What do you guys suggest? Go Complete No Contact - and stay that way. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I think her new guy dumped her and she's coming back around to old faithful (you) and here you are sopping up the gravy like a dry biscuit. It's only been three weeks. That's not nearly enough time to clear heads nor make any positive changes. Your best keeping to yourself, but alas I'm quite sure this is not what you want to hear. Trust me though, been there done there and seen it a gazillion times. Nothing has nor will change with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I think you need to stay away from her. If she's being friendly it's for one of two reasons. 1) the other guy rejected her & you're her fallback plan or 2) she has this silly school girl idea that you can be just friends & she can talk to you about all her troubles with other men. Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Your replies are friendly but firm, they really need to be none-existent! You're setting yourself up for round 2 here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Dude, she THINKS about you.... her FRIEND.... because she wants you as a backup plan. She wants you to hold her hand....while she finds her next boyfriend. Don't do it. You deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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