NopeNah Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Ran into my ex and we started talking over a few drinks. Next thing I know, we're at her place. It felt like the ultimate "walk of shame" driving home this morning. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oneness Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I'm sorry...hard to lose the ground you won. You can look at this as a slip, and not repeat it. We are only human, we make mistakes. Just get back up and try again...unless you have opened the door to reconciling. If not, slam that door shut again! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 13, 2015 Author Share Posted February 13, 2015 I'm sorry...hard to lose the ground you won. You can look at this as a slip, and not repeat it. We are only human, we make mistakes. Just get back up and try again...unless you have opened the door to reconciling. If not, slam that door shut again! I'm not sure how I feel. I don't want her back(very toxic)! Honestly.. I feel like a dirty slut! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oneness Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Please don't beat yourself up! You are not a dirty slut! You slipped back into doing something with someone you had a relatonship with...believe me, I have been there done that. My exboyfriend is toxic, and 100s of miles away so I am safe...do what you have to make yourself safe. But please, you are not a bad person, you are not a slut...it happened...forgive yourself, and let it go. Never contact her again, if she is toxic then you are better off just going back to NC. You can do this, it is going to be okay! Link to post Share on other sites
Nascarfan Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Everyone makes mistakes. Don't let your past define you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 13, 2015 Author Share Posted February 13, 2015 All my buddies are LOVING this! I hangout with some real pricks! LOL Yeah...it was just a slip. Like an alcoholic who takes that first drink after a few months sober. Back on the NC wagon I go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 Horrible nights sleep! I'm mad for betraying myself! Where the hell did my self respect and dignity go to that night? She actually texted me a couple times yesterday..just small talk,that I ignored. Anyways...a friend of mine is hosting a vday party tonight and is trying to 'pimp' me out to his girl's single friends..Guess I am a dirty slut! Link to post Share on other sites
Oneness Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 I hope you feel better today...and stopped beating yourself up. You really are too hard on yourself....please forgive yourself, and get back on the NC wagon. No one is perfect, and one slip does not make you a dirty slut. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 It seems unfair or a little shallow or immature to get physically intimate with an ex and then just disappear and ignore. Its kind of cruel and cold. Id have a very brief convo just "hey. we got carried away, I need space to move forward and hope you understand and theres no hard feelings. best wishes" basically to drop off and ignore really confuses and hurts a girl. she will feel used and it will create problems. Nip it in the bud, either call, email or text. then block her if you need to . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 I broke down and talked to my ex after we slept together last week. She wants to try again. I'm really torn on what to do out of fear of history repeating itself. I told her we could possibly try going to couples counseling and take things VERY slowly,but I'm still scared/unsure if I want to risk being "hurt" again. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 From your previous posts, you described your relationship with her as toxic? How long has it been since the BU? And how long were you officially in NC before your drunken sexcapade last week? Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I feel like I need more info to give you solid advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Oneness Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 To get a better grasp of your situation, I see you have been on/off for over 9 years...wow. I did it for 7, with a toxic Borderline who was an alcoholic and chronically broke and unemployed...and abusive. What makes you think it could be better this time? Do you think couples counseling would work? I tried that with my exSO...I think he did it just to appease me, because frankly it did not help. He was so intelligent and charming, seemingly so interested in working on us having a "healthy," relationship. Nlot possible with a very mentally ill partner... My suggestion to you is, she gets individual counseling herself. But she must want to get better FOR HERSELF not to appease you and get you back. Been there, done that...won't do it again. So tred lightly, and work on boundaries...if you let them get away with being abusive, they think they have a right to be that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 Broke up,this time, first week of Nov. Strict NC until I saw her out in Jan(No words were exchanged) and then this past week when she intentionally showed up where I was to see me. She's admitted to all her faults/bad habits,ect.. I've also worked out and continue to improve a lot of my issues/faults that I had(financial stability,continuing my education,general mental things from my past) which played a part in it. I'm just not sure if I want to put my feelings back into her hands. She's already located a couples therapist and offered to pay for all sessions herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 To get a better grasp of your situation, I see you have been on/off for over 9 years...wow. I did it for 7, with a toxic Borderline who was an alcoholic and chronically broke and unemployed...and abusive. What makes you think it could be better this time? Do you think couples counseling would work? I tried that with my exSO...I think he did it just to appease me, because frankly it did not help. He was so intelligent and charming, seemingly so interested in working on us having a "healthy," relationship. Nlot possible with a very mentally ill partner... My suggestion to you is, she gets individual counseling herself. But she must want to get better FOR HERSELF not to appease you and get you back. Been there, done that...won't do it again. So tred lightly, and work on boundaries...if you let them get away with being abusive, they think they have a right to be that way. I mentioned the individual counseling to her. I've been in it since Dec and it's helped me a lot with my issues(codependent, substance abuse,ect..). She also admitted to having a gambling problem (most of her resentment towards me was financial,go figure ) among other things. She seems genuine in doing the work to get better,but as of now it's only words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Go to couples counselling to explore the idea of trying again. Don't get back together and then go to counselling. That would be putting the cart before the horse. No sex in the meantime. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 I think I'll take a stroll down old "memory lane" and go back and read my threads from the start. Should be a good eye opener! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I think I'll take a stroll down old "memory lane" and go back and read my threads from the start. Should be a good eye opener! That is a good idea. Sounds like it was a toxic relationship by checking some of them out and even with therapy, not sure how you can let go of all that stuff. I totally agree with Satu and if you do anything, do what was suggested 100%. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Well that was an eye opener! I had forgot that I broke up with her(albeit IMO she forced me to). I had also forgot that when she first left me, for another guy, that I hooked up with her boss and coworker... Yikes! Also..most of the time I would be the dumper over the same issues that are still in play with her. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 This cycle sounds like it is never ending. Are you sure she really wants you back or just the comfort of you? It sounds like you guys keep getting back into it because its familiar. I would look at the idea of it but maybe not do it just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 This cycle sounds like it is never ending. Are you sure she really wants you back or just the comfort of you? It sounds like you guys keep getting back into it because its familiar. I would look at the idea of it but maybe not do it just yet. Yeah... I guess we are both codependent/narc. I'm going to think about it for a while. I think I'll tell her that I need some time. She just called, I didn't answer,said she made her appt to see a psych tomorrow afternoon. Then asked if I was interested in talking tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Sounds like you'd be trying to put lipstick on a pig for the 14th time (or however many, you get the point). Instead of trying to recreate the past out of codependency and fear, why not try a new future with someone else and actually evolve? Just seems like an unbelievable waste of time and resources to me. But it's ultimately your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Sounds like you'd be trying to put lipstick on a pig for the 14th time (or however many, you get the point). Instead of trying to recreate the past out of codependency and fear, why not try a new future with someone else and actually evolve? Just seems like an unbelievable waste of time and resources to me. But it's ultimately your life. My therapist is going to have a field day with me this week! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 I'm going to have to tell her to back off and give me space. After telling her where I was at mentally last night(wanting time/space to think/continue my self improvement). She calls me first thing this morning,waking me up, to see what I have going on today. I'm working, just like I've been doing everyday since you left? She's off today and came across,to me, as irritated that I don't have time to spend with her..We are NOT together! I've built a new reality for myself and like it! So, in only a few days the neediness is already showing. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Been there done that in the end we actually got back together for a year, don't worry about it we all make mistakes forget about it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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