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I Answered the Call


Cupid's Puppet

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Cupid's Puppet

Three days ago he called, and I answered. I feel like such a weakling. He is so selfish. I just think it's really cruel to dump someone and talk to them whenever you feel nostalgic and then ignore them again. I should have stuck to ignoring him. I hate when I'm almost at the next step of the healing process, and then he does something that sends me back to square one.

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Three days ago he called' date=' and I answered. I feel like such a weakling. He is so selfish. I just think it's really cruel to dump someone and talk to them whenever you feel nostalgic and then ignore them again. I should have stuck to ignoring him. I hate when I'm almost at the next step of the healing process, [b']and then he does something that sends me back to square one[/b].

 

You did it to yourself when you answered the call. I'm guessing this is a reoccurring pattern. Sure, it's cruel to call you up just for a chat, but you are allowing it. Time to take responsibility for your own healing.

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It isn't his fault anymore. At this point he is not responsible for your healing. You are. And if you don't block and keep accepting his call, it's all on you.

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You won't heal if you don't stick to NC. You are letting him hurt you by taking his calls. To truly get over him, you must go NC. Block him, phone, text, email...I know it is hard, but it is the only way.

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I hate when I'm almost at the next step of the healing process' date=' and then he does something that sends me back to square one.[/i']

 

No. It's not him that sends you back to square one.

 

Its 100% your own work.

 

No contact.

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I would suggest changing your phone number to truly heal. Sounds like this happens a lot.

 

Make the decision for it to stop. And it will.

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Simon Phoenix

I have to agree with the others. It's not his fault for calling -- it's your fault for answering. Continuing to play the victim only guarantees that you'll remain the victim.

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Don't be hard on yourself, the pain you feel is a measure of your character.

Like the others, I would block his number but only if there is no risk of the next step, such as him knocking on your door.

 

 

Otherwise make the next call count, xxxx xxx A hole

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Well, it's hard NOT to take a call from someone you still love and want to reconcile with!

 

That's why you must block him, because it's so hard to resist.... so he can't just reach out anytime the impulse strikes. Block him from your phone, from every online site you use, and from your email.

 

That way, if he ever REALLY wants to get back together -- and not just reach out randomly to make sure you're still around as his Plan B Backup Girl, or to assuage his passing feelings of loneliness or guilt -- he'll find a way around the blocks to let you know he means business.

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Cupid's Puppet

I thought about blocking him or even changing my number, but my mom persuaded me against it. Sometimes I do really well at ignoring his hit-and-run texts. But this was the first time he initiated a call since June. I immediately felt weak. Texts are one thing; an actual phone call, where he actually wants to hear my voice, is another.

 

Plus I feel very conflicted. I've made several posts and even a thread about the difficulty of coping when you were the bad ex. Because I feel I did so much wrong in the relationship, I feel like ignoring him would be me continuing to do wrong by him. He tells me I was a good person, at least now. But when he broke up with me he told me everything but that, and that is what I hold on to. So sometimes I respond to contact to redeem myself.

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I thought about blocking him or even changing my number, but my mom persuaded me against it. Sometimes I do really well at ignoring his hit-and-run texts. But this was the first time he initiated a call since June. I immediately felt weak. Texts are one thing; an actual phone call, where he actually wants to hear my voice, is another.

 

Plus I feel very conflicted. I've made several posts and even a thread about the difficulty of coping when you were the bad ex. Because I feel I did so much wrong in the relationship, I feel like ignoring him would be me continuing to do wrong by him. He tells me I was a good person, at least now. But when he broke up with me he told me everything but that, and that is what I hold on to. So sometimes I respond to contact to redeem myself.

 

I really don't think that it's necessary to punish yourself with contact in an attempt to redeem yourself. If you did something so wrong, a more healthy approach would be to work on forgiving yourself and moving past whatever you did. You also said that he is selfish for the fact that he calls you, so you know it's wrong and not helping you move on. I think that you also have the motive of wanting to keep the door open for a second chance. It's not always easy, but try to be honest with yourself with regards to your motives.

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Cupid's Puppet
I really don't think that it's necessary to punish yourself with contact in an attempt to redeem yourself. If you did something so wrong, a more healthy approach would be to work on forgiving yourself and moving past whatever you did. You also said that he is selfish for the fact that he calls you, so you know it's wrong and not helping you move on. I think that you also have the motive of wanting to keep the door open for a second chance. It's not always easy, but try to be honest with yourself with regards to your motives.

 

You're right about having that second motive to keep the door open. It's pathetic lol.

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I agree with other posts here. I really think you should block him or at least don't answer his calls, texts and emails. It will be much easier for you. I had 2 LTR BU which i managed differently. After my first BU i stayed in touch with her for a few weeks. I answered anytime she called/texted me but after a few weeks i was just as hurt as i was right after BU. It took me 2 months to stop answering her calls and go NC. And 5 months later she came back telling me it was a big mistake to let me go and she wants me back. But it was too late for me.

 

Now after my last BU i went NC 2 days after my BU and i'm maintaining it for 2 months now (thanks to the nice people here on LS). I blocked her on FB and blocked her number. It was hard the first few days but since than i don't have any urge to contact her. And i have to drive by her house every single day, because we live like 500m away.

 

I don't know how long it is since your BU, but don't let him hurt you again and again. Block/ignore him and focus on moving on and healing yourself. If you don't, one day you will regret that you wasted all this time on a person who doesn't care about you.

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Why doesn't your mother want you to change your number when you would be doing this to heal yourself? It seems she would be on board with whatever would be best for you. If you truly wanted to move on from this guy you would. You want to get back together with him and that's clear.

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Cupid's Puppet

Because my mother loves him and misses him too. She has gone as far as telling me she's had a dream of them laughing together at someone's wedding. A few times she asked if she could pray for us to get back together. A few times she asked me for his phone number. She makes me feel like he is the only one who could ever love me, and I internalize those thoughts.

 

Whenever the subject of him comes up, I have to fight my mom regularly on this. She doesn't understand how being in contact with him hurts me. She's always making excuses like, "If you block his number, then you'll always wonder." And she says things like, "I think you should respond to the text or you should return his call." She is holding out hope when I wish she would teach me how to be strong, independent and walk away. But my mom's weak. Sorry to say that. My father is emotionally abusive toward her.

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You should try explaining to your mom how being in contact with him doesn't help you to move on. Tell her that you are not ready to be friends with him or anything. Your mom may still be in denial about this too. She may have wanted this guy to be the "one" but he obviously isn't the "one" if he left. It doesn't matter how nice he is, or how much your mom likes him. Your mom wasn't dating him. You were. He didn't break up with your mom. He broke up with you.

 

I blocked my ex's number. I have moments where I think "will she contact me?" but when she came back after dumping me the first time, the block didn't stop her. Even if you block him, if he REALLY wants to talk to you, he will do anything he can to talk to you. It's a hard pill to swallow that they might not want to burst the door down and ask for us to take them back.

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Do you feel that you could voice how you feel to your mom? I know it can be very difficult to assert boundaries in a parent/child relationship because it's something I delt with myself. Even if she doesn't agree, you need to be strong enough to stand behind your own decisions, but it takes time to learn how to do that.

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Cupid's Puppet

Today I did not answer the call, and I don't feel bad. Part of me wants to ask him what is his motivation for calling, but I know whatever answer he gives won't be satisfying. I feel like he calls me just to show he cares.

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Stop listening to your mom and tell her that HE broke up with you and he makes you feel awful. Tell her that you don't want to talk about it anymore and to let it go.

 

Not sure how old you are but this is your life, not hers. Don't let her manipulate you. She has her own issues that affect her coping skills, where right now I see you being stronger than you realize, you just need to believe in yourself.

 

He is fishing and looking for reaction. It's a game/ego feed. Ignore him..do whatever you need to do to so you don't have to talk to him.

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Simon Phoenix

Yeah, your mom needs to butt out and stop being part of the problem. Good for you in not answering, but it's now time for you to block him.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Cupid's Puppet

I turned my phone off this week just so I can get rid of that constant wondering of if he's going to call or text. I also turned it off so I wouldn't have to listen to my mom condoning contact with him. But I turned my phone on again yesterday, and of course my mom had to bring this up again.

 

This time, every time she brought up a remark on how much better I would be doing if I had responded or tried calling him sometime, I just said, "I feel suicidal after I'm in contact with him." She just kept talking, and to avoid not exploding on my mom, I just kept restating the phrase, "I feel suicidal after I'm in contact with him." I think after the 20th time I said, she finally gave up and said, "Well you do what makes you happy. We all have to live with our choices and it's only fair that the person who has to live with the choice at least makes the choice." Try having more subtlety, mom, why don't ya...

 

She was saying stuff like, "When you talk to him Cupid you feel better." And I kept trying to tell her that was not true. I just don't understand why a mother would want her child to believe that there is noway she could possibly be happy without communicating with someone who obviously doesn't want her. Then she tells me, "You don't know that, Cupid. You don't know what the future will bring." Um, yes I do. I think his saying, "You could never be my wife or mother of my kid," pretty much said my future was not with him. Sigh!

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Simon Phoenix
I turned my phone off this week just so I can get rid of that constant wondering of if he's going to call or text. I also turned it off so I wouldn't have to listen to my mom condoning contact with him. But I turned my phone on again yesterday, and of course my mom had to bring this up again.

 

This time, every time she brought up a remark on how much better I would be doing if I had responded or tried calling him sometime, I just said, "I feel suicidal after I'm in contact with him." She just kept talking, and to avoid not exploding on my mom, I just kept restating the phrase, "I feel suicidal after I'm in contact with him." I think after the 20th time I said, she finally gave up and said, "Well you do what makes you happy. We all have to live with our choices and it's only fair that the person who has to live with the choice at least makes the choice." Try having more subtlety, mom, why don't ya...

 

She was saying stuff like, "When you talk to him Cupid you feel better." And I kept trying to tell her that was not true. I just don't understand why a mother would want her child to believe that there is noway she could possibly be happy without communicating with someone who obviously doesn't want her. Then she tells me, "You don't know that, Cupid. You don't know what the future will bring." Um, yes I do. I think his saying, "You could never be my wife or mother of my kid," pretty much said my future was not with him. Sigh!

 

No offense, but your mom sucks. Next time you should yell at her because she's not only not helping, but she's being actively harmful.

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Your mom sucks. I second it. She's selfish and more concerned about what contact means to her than how it affects you. Maybe in her mind she think's she's helping you but I can't fathom my child telling me she feels suicidal and yet I continue to give her a hard time. Time for you to set a boundary.

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