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Just ended things already feeling scared


Chris_S11

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I hope this is the proper section. Was unsure if this belonged in the coping or breakup section.

 

Posted on here two days ago about the problems I've been having with my girlfriend of 4years(Both of us are 21). Yesterday we talked and I decided to end it. Today I feel completely beat up about it which I'm sure is normal but I cant shake this feeling of emptiness and regret. She was a very sweet and understanding person, but there has been issues with the relationship from lack of sex, not having similar goals, and just not being able to see myself with her.

 

I know this was probably the right decision as I have been uncertain about being with her for the past 6months and she deserves someone who is confident about being with her. So why do I feel like I made the wrong decision? I know how hard it is to find someone trust worthy and part of me feels I wont find that again or that I'll date again and realize she was the right one for me(Never dated anyone seriously besides her). Another issue is her moving back to town in 6months so I'll probably bump into her at some point.

 

Anyways, maybe this is all post breakup blues but I have no idea on how to get myself feeling like it was the right choice and allow myself to move on. Any insight would be nice. I appreciate you reading this(feels good to unload these emotions)

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I think you're just mourning for the loss of her in your life. If you don't see a future with her, it is the right thing to end it now. I would take some time to think it over and see how you feel a little farther away from the breakup.

 

Can I ask what the difference in life goals was? And why exactly you didn't see a future?

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I think you're just mourning for the loss of her in your life. If you don't see a future with her, it is the right thing to end it now. I would take some time to think it over and see how you feel a little farther away from the breakup.

 

Can I ask what the difference in life goals was? And why exactly you didn't see a future?

 

Thank you for your reply. This is what i put down in my other thread I made about our life goals

 

"Goals in life. I’m getting to the stage where I’m trying out jobs and learning more about myself. I’ve had depression for much of my life not being happy with who I am and so I’m working on that. My priority is to do what’s best for me at this time. Her priority is the relationship. I understand her reasoning seeing as we’ve been together for a long time, but I feel like we’re young and we need to explore things both within ourselves and together(if that makes sense). She doesn’t admit it, but she hints a lot at wanting to settle down and even got mad when I said I don’t think I’ll be there for a few more years."

 

The future part is hard to explain. I just imagine the idea of being with her and it hasn't been all that exciting to me. Like I said the last 6months have been a bit of "Should i stay or should i go" feeling. We also have a bad sex life and she doesn't really try to work on it no matter how much I talk to her about it. I just dont know if I'm truly unhappy or if I expect more from the relationship(this is my first serious one)

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CrystalShine2011

You sound really sincere from your post...it's always difficult to process a breakup. It seems like you did the right thing though? Those are important things that you guys weren't connecting on, and with the right person those will all be there! :)

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Thank you for your reply. This is what i put down in my other thread I made about our life goals

 

"Goals in life. I’m getting to the stage where I’m trying out jobs and learning more about myself. I’ve had depression for much of my life not being happy with who I am and so I’m working on that. My priority is to do what’s best for me at this time. Her priority is the relationship. I understand her reasoning seeing as we’ve been together for a long time, but I feel like we’re young and we need to explore things both within ourselves and together(if that makes sense). She doesn’t admit it, but she hints a lot at wanting to settle down and even got mad when I said I don’t think I’ll be there for a few more years."

 

The future part is hard to explain. I just imagine the idea of being with her and it hasn't been all that exciting to me. Like I said the last 6months have been a bit of "Should i stay or should i go" feeling. We also have a bad sex life and she doesn't really try to work on it no matter how much I talk to her about it. I just dont know if I'm truly unhappy or if I expect more from the relationship(this is my first serious one)

 

Hi Chris,

 

Sorry it took me all day to respond. I wanted to wait until I had time to really type out a thoughtful reply. I am in a very similar situation as you and can only give you the insight that I have gained.

 

I finally ended my relationship with my bf of 4 years. The first time we broke up, it was his decision. He said he did not see a future with me and while he loved me he wasn't in love with me. He and I had a good connection and were really close, but we worked together and it caused a lot of problems in our relationship. I didn't beg him to keep the relationship but I did ask him to reconsider and tried to argue my case. Big mistake. After the breakup, I went straight NC. He wanted to remain friends. This was my first relationship so I was naive. I caved. We started back in the relationship without defining it. This time around, I did not initiate our contact nor did I put forth a lot of effort. He stepped up his efforts and basically said that he did not want to get back into the relationship right now but we would see how it goes. THIS WENT ON FOR TWO YEARS. He insisted on inviting me to all of his family functions, hanging out with me all the time, and basically acting bf/gf. I recently found out that he was lying to me and that he had sex with another coworker at the same time he was with me. I confronted him about it and ended it permanently. He has struggled with depression and has some self esteem issues. He said the reason he did it was because he was in a dark place. He tried to pass off the blame on me and he maintains that he does not see a future with me. I don't want to be with anyone that doesn't see a future with me but I do not understand why he put in so much effort if that was the case.

 

Our life goals are supposedly similar, although, I am more ambitious. He says he wants the same things as I do but does nothing to attain them. I also have been pretty clear that right now I have no desire to get married or have children. That might change, but I want to focus on my career and all of the dreams I have first.

 

I miss him terribly. We have a great connection and he could be the sweetest most thoughtful person to me. I miss the person I THOUGHT he was which I now know is not the person he actually is. He needs to find himself and his dreams and ambitions (and boundaries) before he could ever me in a healthy relationship. I am the healthy one understanding that MY needs have to be met before I can maintain a relationship with someone else. This breakup has been extremely good for me to analyze myself and what I did wrong and what was actually going on.

 

With all of that, I would say that if the future with her does not excite you then that is a huge red flag. Maybe this breakup will be the spark that she needs to find herself. I think if you are still in contact with her you should explain your needs and how you want to explore yourself before you settle down. Sacrificing your needs and settling down sounds like the surest way to end up divorced before 30. Her desire to focus on the relationship is also a red flag. Her priority should be herself and let the relationship happen on its own. When two people are both meeting their needs, they do not have to force the relationship to work. (This might also explain the sex problem.)

 

I would explain to her the thoughts that you explained here. I think you articulated yourself very well. And then let it go. At least for a little while. I think you made the best decision for yourself but it's going to hurt like hell. Once you get some space, reevaluate if it is what you really want you can try again.

 

If you need anything at all, the people on LS have helped me out so much. For the first 30 days after the breakup I still harbored a sick desire to get back with him because I clearly want to put myself through hell again. But every time I feel like contacting him, I come straight here. The insight that the others have given me has given me clarity and that is what truly helped me.

 

Sending all my good positive vibes your way.

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