Almost a year and nothings changed :(

[Justm3x]

I was laying in bed last night, crying as usual, the same thing i do almost every night since November and its been almost a year since we split up.

 

Im angry with myself because everyday i say out loud, today is the day i move on, i hate him, he was no good for me and for an hour or so im fine. I was out food shopping yesterday and i burst into tears in the middle of the shop, I left sat in the car and sobbed. I can usually stop myself crying by saying out loud STOP STOP with the crying he's not worth it and he doesn't know your crying, your using up energy that is best spent on something or someone worth while, but some days that doesn't work.

 

It was my birthday 2 days ago, my daughters and their friends came to visit for a few days and my youngest keeps saying "mum you look so sad" I don't know what to say to her. I have suicidal thoughts, if i die then i wont hurt anymore then i feel selfish, leaving my girls without a mum.

 

I'm so scared that im never going to be able to move on from this horrible, sociopathic man who doesn't even know how he has affected my life since we split. I was doing great NC for 9 months and then out of the blue in November due to a mistake i made he contacts me, but this time round I keep thinking about what he said and now im struggling, still 3 months on from that conversation, no more contact since November as i told him not to speak to me again or ever contact me again....but then i guess sending his GF the chat logs has p***ed him off. Because of course no GF wants to see deep meaningful conversations between your BF and his ex, not nice to see that your BF still has feelings for his ex, he misses his ex, thinks about her all the time and that a huge part of him will always love his ex!!! Stupid thing to do i know but i was trying to prove a point that he cant do this and still have his GF trust him.... she didn't trust him anyway so this has planted a seed of doubt, it worked.

 

Ive tried the gym stuff, reading, all the usual stuff but when i have a bad day, its a really bad day and i cant seem to pull myself out of the black hole. I dont sleep, eat, go out, I just exist from day to day walking from room to room, watch TV and then bed, where i lay sometimes for 5 hours just thinking about stuff and before i know it, its 5am.

 

My life sucks and i cant see it getting any better

[d0nnivain]

I played a game with myself. It started slow: Today I am going to go a whole hour without crying. As I mastered that for a week, I upped it to 2 hours, then 1/2 day, then whole day, then 2 days in a row, then a week. Eventually I forgot to cry.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Hi Justm3x,

 

First of all don't beat yourself up over this, we've all been there. I'm coming up to 2 years since my break up and I still have the odd day where the tears will come from nowhere. However, these days are few and far between. It does get better with time, I know it's a cliche but it's true...

 

I've had so many 'moving on' days that I've now just given up and let life just take it's course. They just add more unnecessary pressure on yourself when you just don't need it. Regarding the food shopping, I really thought I was alone in having breakdowns in supermarkets, but they just trigger me off sometimes, still do. But, obviously we need have to the shopping, so I have to plod along but it can be tough...

 

I was also having suicidal thoughts as well, last one on a traumatic Boxing Day. I thought no one would miss me except my young son. I realised I was being selfish and snapped out of it. It is frightening just how low you can go, because of how one person had treated you....

 

Have you considered seeing a therapist? I've just started and it has been thoughtful to say the least. It made me realised that I have to deal with my issues first and why I tolerated so much c**p from my ex. It has also confirmed to me that she was so wrong for me and I am so much better without her.

 

I'm still a 'work in progress' but I am getting there. Looking back I wished I went to a therapist earlier. I know I will be a better, stronger person after this...

 

Good Luck...

[Justm3x]

Thanks d0nnivain, Ive tried so many things to stop the tears, they just seems to come, I hear a song, i see something on TV, i open a draw and i see a photo, its so hard.

 

Heartbroken Eagle..... 2 years for you? does it really get better, it seems to be getting worse for me. The supermarket thing just happens, its the weirdest feeling in the world, all of a sudden i get this overwhelming sadness just hit me, i cant breathe, my hearts pounding and then i realise im never going to see him again and then i get into a panic, how the hell am i going to survive this.

 

I have been seeing a mental health nurse every week for the past 7 months, a culmination of the split and trauma that happened 8 years ago. All i get is put him and all those emotions in a box, seal it up and bury it in the garden, not sure that's going to work.. I kind of keep thinking that im going to be in limbo for the rest of my life, wasting my time and energy on a loser who isn't worth even a second thought, some of us just find it harder to move on i guess.

[Ieris]

I agree with Heartbroken Eagle that you should speak to a therapist. Lots of people want to get over it all on their own but getting help will let you see things from a different perspective and speed up your recovery. Hopefully they'll be able to help you with steps to move forward rather than going back and forth wasting more of your years x

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Justm3x

 

I remember where I was a year ago. I was crying almost everyday, missing my son, very angry, hating the world, did'nt see the point in carrying on. But even that was an improvement than the first 12 months. It is a slow process.

 

Don't get me wrong l'm still not over my ex, and for what she did, I probably never will be. But I did love her and had the best time of my life with her. I missed her even though she was cruel and evil towards me at the end. Accepting we was over was the hardest, and when her new boyfriend moved into our old house, literally months after I left, I was distraught. But you have no choice but to live with it. That part of your life is now history.

 

I had to refocus my life. I made the mistake doing everything via her to ensure she was happy instead of myself. Also, I had to start liking me again. This has been my hardest struggle. I know I deserved better treatment than I received, so why should I waste my time moping over this woman. This is where the therapist has come into the play...

 

It's only been in the last few months all this has hit home...

 

As for the Supermarket thing, it's Bizarre, but now instead of tears I now have a wry smile to myself. Perversely, Tiramasu use to set me off the most, as it was our end of the week treat!!!

 

Bonkers!!!!

Edited February 6, 2015 by Heartbroken Eagle

[ballycastle]

I was laying in bed last night, crying as usual, the same thing i do almost every night since November and its been almost a year since we split up.

 

Im angry with myself because everyday i say out loud, today is the day i move on, i hate him, he was no good for me and for an hour or so im fine. I was out food shopping yesterday and i burst into tears in the middle of the shop, I left sat in the car and sobbed. I can usually stop myself crying by saying out loud STOP STOP with the crying he's not worth it and he doesn't know your crying, your using up energy that is best spent on something or someone worth while, but some days that doesn't work.

 

It was my birthday 2 days ago, my daughters and their friends came to visit for a few days and my youngest keeps saying "mum you look so sad" I don't know what to say to her. I have suicidal thoughts, if i die then i wont hurt anymore then i feel selfish, leaving my girls without a mum.

 

I'm so scared that im never going to be able to move on from this horrible, sociopathic man who doesn't even know how he has affected my life since we split. I was doing great NC for 9 months and then out of the blue in November due to a mistake i made he contacts me, but this time round I keep thinking about what he said and now im struggling, still 3 months on from that conversation, no more contact since November as i told him not to speak to me again or ever contact me again....but then i guess sending his GF the chat logs has p***ed him off. Because of course no GF wants to see deep meaningful conversations between your BF and his ex, not nice to see that your BF still has feelings for his ex, he misses his ex, thinks about her all the time and that a huge part of him will always love his ex!!! Stupid thing to do i know but i was trying to prove a point that he cant do this and still have his GF trust him.... she didn't trust him anyway so this has planted a seed of doubt, it worked.

 

Ive tried the gym stuff, reading, all the usual stuff but when i have a bad day, its a really bad day and i cant seem to pull myself out of the black hole. I dont sleep, eat, go out, I just exist from day to day walking from room to room, watch TV and then bed, where i lay sometimes for 5 hours just thinking about stuff and before i know it, its 5am.

 

My life sucks and i cant see it getting any better

 

 

OP I know how you feel. I am not sure how long my relationship ended since I had no part in it (he decided for me so he probably checked out long before I knew he wanted to end it. He did not ask my feelings in the matter, but his were clear, he was not over his ex) I have been NC coming up for 8 months and still think he will miraculously appear. I like you have felt suicidal because for the last 12 years every relationship I have had has ended with them abandoning me so the last one was the last straw. I have no hope in every finding someone I will trust to do the same so the tears come to me now knowing I will probably at age 47 live the rest of my life alone.

 

 

I have done co-dependency books, gym, reading, living my life, but since Nov I deleted my Facebook account because I was sick of reading how great everyone's marriage/engagement/relationship was. Now my life consists of work, childcare, the occasional going out, but that's it.

 

 

I have tried to find a therapist in my area specialising in abandonment/co-dependency and/or self esteem but can't find one who fits the profile of treating someone who has an anxious-preoccupied attachment disorder. It is really disappointing. I have done so much reading on what is wrong with me, I tend to know 'more' than the therapist (I have been to a lot!)

 

 

I really don't know what to say. I am not going to say that it will get better because I don't know if it will. I will probably be slammed for saying this (and have done in previous posts) but it's true. People are different, some recover, some don't. I know I probably won't. He was the last person I would ever thought would hurt me. The last. So I can't trust again. I know that some day we will wake up and probably not feel as bad. That I do know.

 

 

So for now I take pleasure in small things that make me happy/happier.

 

 

Take care.

[Justm3x]

Ballycastle...... like you i never though in a million years this person would hurt me the way he did.... he doesn't have a Facebook account, he deleted his the first year we were together, he said he couldn't stand other men commenting on my posts, but in any case Facebook to him is a pointless waste of energy and time.

 

He keeps blocking and unblocking me on whatsapp and viber, which i find strange, block me, dont block me but stop playing games.

 

Ive done all the gym, reading getting on with my life and yes i was getting somewhere till that stupid day i made a huge mistake, he probably hates me for sending his GF the chat logs but hey it made me feel better.

 

The last few days ive managed to venture out and get some fresh air, im not feeling well but i had to change the scenery, looking at the same four walls is driving me nuts.... i have my mental health nurse coming to see me tomorrow, for one reason or another i haven't seen her for a few weeks, so i can offload these feelings...

[King Manu]

I was laying in bed last night, crying as usual, the same thing i do almost every night since November and its been almost a year since we split up.

 

Im angry with myself because everyday i say out loud, today is the day i move on, i hate him, he was no good for me and for an hour or so im fine. I was out food shopping yesterday and i burst into tears in the middle of the shop, I left sat in the car and sobbed. I can usually stop myself crying by saying out loud STOP STOP with the crying he's not worth it and he doesn't know your crying, your using up energy that is best spent on something or someone worth while, but some days that doesn't work.

 

Hi there Justm3x, sorry to hear about your hard times. I have some ideas and tips that might change a little bit the way you see things.

First of all i understand you are a mother, and that is blessing even if you are heartbroken and single now, you have to focus on your kids. Letting go is the good thing that you don't do and the second is not doing something new. It's hard to get over things like this but we have to understand something: some people come in our life like a blessing and some as a lesson. The love of your life might wait you around the corner but you are to busy focusing on past. You can't love nobody until you love yourself and you know that deep inside.

 

Focusing on past won't help you. You are doing what is called self sabotage, you keep hurting yourself physically ( you don't eat, don't move, don't do nothing ) , mentally (suicide thought) and emotionally ( not getting over it ) because it's too hard to face those feelings of your heart being broken. I know how that feels, but think about it this way. Because of what happened you can be a more compassionate person, a more loving person, because you don't want others to feel the same pain. Think about your kids, don't they deserve the love of their mom and seeing her happy? Think about the love that you can spread around those who truly need it. That specific person doesn't want love, so what?! What are you exactly loosing? He didn't loved you because he wouldn't left you. True love stories never end. What you have with him sound like an addiction and has nothing to do with love.

 

You know you have everything that you need to feel fulfilled right now inside you. Think about it. What you have in your life and what you can be grateful for. Think about those things for a second. Think about your kids and their loving faces that they share with you everyday. Doesn't focusing on that makes you feel better?! I truly believe it does. Focus on how your true love should be, what kind of person would be? You have to know exactly what you want from your life and go get it . Stop limiting yourself in living and feeling something that doesn't fulfill you , that doesn't spark the passion you have inside.

 

You see, bad things are all around us just as good things. The difference is : what do we choose to see, what meaning do we give to things that happen outside of our control, what feeling do we put in our souls every single day. Change these things and you can change your life and have the emotional fulfillment you dream of. Because when you have a good state you make good decision, you take good action. In that lousy state you don't do nothing and won't do nothing because you don't have the spark you need. Make sense?

 

God bless you and i really wish you can find the wisdom and spark inside you to get over this bad moment from your life for the sake of your own good and for the good of those you love and cherish most. I truly wish you to achieve that true happiness and love !

[Justm3x]

Hi King Manu..... Thank you for your kind words, i understand everything your saying and i know deep down inside that this person is no good for me. I know im a good person, a loving, caring person and yes i deserve better than this sociopath in my life.

 

Im 52 years old and i should know better than to be wasting my time on this awful person, my daughters are both at uni and they have been amazing through this breakup, they have been there for me when ive been down.. they know when im sad and they wish only happiness for me. I just cant seem to shrug this person from my life, is it love or is it the fact that im lonely, i dont know. Im not even sure if i really loved him, was it just a habit that i got used to or better the devil you know than having to meet someone new and have to explain what happened to me 8 years ago that has changed my life forever... that scares me. Ive not been able to work since and ive been left with injuries that cant be fixed, how do i explain those things to someone i meet.

 

I have been working on myself for the past year and was at a point where i thought i had cracked it.. then he dragged me down again, is he getting some sort of kick out of hurting me, i may never know. I need to work on me and yes my 21 year old daughter said the same as you " mum, you need to love yourself before you can love someone else" and i believe that.

[Satu]

It took me 2 years to get over the person I had been involved with.

 

On a positive note, I am happier now than I ever have been.

[Justm3x]

i hope im where you are soon, i know ive still a way to go and it wont be easy.

[Zahara]

Maybe you can't move on because you keep having sporadic contact with him. He last contacted you a month ago and you felt awful? You keep allowing him to dig at the wound. Why haven't you blocked him on your phone? Why haven't you blocked him on whatsapp and viber? A year means nothing if you keep revisiting what pains you.

[Justm3x]

It was 3 months ago and in the past year it was just one time we made contact... i do delete everything and then when i feel strong and think i can deal with it curiosity gets the better of me........ i know im hurting myself.

 

I just wish he would block me and keep me blocked and then im not tempted but he blocks and then unblocks me and then my mind works overtime analysing why he's unblocked me and then im back to square one....

[Zahara]

It was 3 months ago and in the past year it was just one time we made contact... i do delete everything and then when i feel strong and think i can deal with it curiosity gets the better of me........ i know im hurting myself.

 

Regardless, it was a 7 year relationship that was toxic. And these types of relationships are even harder to detach from. What happens if he contacts you in a couple of months? Back again in the hole?

 

I just wish he would block me and keep me blocked and then im not tempted but he blocks and then unblocks me and then my mind works overtime analysing why he's unblocked me and then im back to square one....

 

3 months NC? Not when you're keeping tabs on him.

 

He's not responsible for your healing and moving on. You are. It's a choice.

[Satu]

It was 3 months ago and in the past year it was just one time we made contact... i do delete everything and then when i feel strong and think i can deal with it curiosity gets the better of me........ i know im hurting myself.

 

I just wish he would block me and keep me blocked and then im not tempted but he blocks and then unblocks me and then my mind works overtime analysing why he's unblocked me and then im back to square one....

 

Its best to delete things unread I you can.

 

You could also change you telephone numbers and email.

 

Its worth the inconvenience to prevent further upset.

[ballycastle]

It took me 2 years to get over the person I had been involved with.

 

On a positive note, I am happier now than I ever have been.

 

That's what makes me so angry. I haven't got 2 years to recover from the betrayal of a relationship from someone who promised not to hurt me. In that time I'll be almost 49 and no man who be interested in me.

 

I'll be too old, men my age want 30 year olds not same age. So I am stuffed. My ex was late 40s and his ex was 29 when they met.

 

That's why I empathise with the OP because we do all the work and our exes get off with moving on while we have to spend years mending.

 

Too often I hear females my age only being approached by 60 year old, hence why I feel so angry knowing the next 40 years for me will be alone.

 

I think in term I will learn to live with it but there is no way I can trust again

[Satu]

It took me 2 years.

 

For others, it could be shorter or longer.

[Justm3x]

Ballycastle..... i know how your feeling, at 52 i feel life is passing me by and its harder to meet people who want a relationship. Not only do i have the age thing but my medical problems, who the hell wants to be with me, with so many problems, problems which were not my fault... a bloody surgeon who wanted to leave early, made a mistake and almost cost me my life, left me with terrible injuries.

 

I agree men want younger women, before my ex contacted me i went on a dating site and was inundated with messages from 60+ year old men, feeling depressed is an understatement. This is why i hate what hes done to me, wasted seven years of my life with this man, who has moved on with a younger person he may not be happy but he's still moved on and yes Ive been left to pick up the pieces.

 

Trust is a huge thing and i dont know if i can trust again after what he did to me, who says someone else wont do the same.

[ballycastle]

Wow I'm glad it's not just me. Perhaps all we can do is to accept it is what it is and that's the time to accept. Not going to say it's easy, I'm surrounded by friends all in relationships, so much so I left Facebook as couldn't stand it. Not everyone is meant to be with someone.

 

That's not to say you won't meet somebody! I know i won't as my ex, I was brave to tell him how i feel, that I was anxious he would leave because of my past. He said he was glad I could be vulnerable with him but he still left. 8 months no contact and I can't move on. I can't find a therapist who is available to see me. So my life is stripped bear, I have to accept this is my life.

 

So instead I fill the lump in my heart with doing my own thing, writing, volunteering, music. Hoping in time it will become the norm and the yearning will cease.

 

But I will never be able to trust anything a man says so I am stuck. I am attractive and people wonder why I am single but maybe it wasn't meant to be for me.

[ballycastle]

It took me 2 years.

 

For others, it could be shorter or longer.

 

It will be about that for me which is why I feel after 12 years of relationships gone wrong so battered. I envy those with a positive outlook of coming through and being happy again.

[Satu]

It will be about that for me which is why I feel after 12 years of relationships gone wrong so battered. I envy those with a positive outlook of coming through and being happy again.

 

If I'm honest, I have to tell you that I had to completely rebuild myself.

 

Very little of the 'old me' remains.

[Ralph79]

I agree men want younger women, before my ex contacted me i went on a dating site and was inundated with messages from 60+ year old men, feeling depressed is an understatement. This is why i hate what hes done to me, wasted seven years of my life with this man, who has moved on with a younger person he may not be happy but he's still moved on and yes Ive been left to pick up the pieces.

 

Ideas you should work on.

 

1. Stop thinking or worrying about what men want. I could tell you that women want guys who are rich, but that's a stereotype not an absolute truth that applies to everyone. Focus on what you want. The right man will come when you least expect him. But you have to be positive, and put yourself in a position to be met by someone worthwhile. You obviously don't want your eX back. And you seem to want to be in a relationship again. Is that really what you want?

 

2. You don't HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy. The day I stopped pressuring myself about needing to find someone to start a family because I'm getting older was the day I took a big step in recovery. I went through so much pain, that the last thing I needed was to add that unneeded pressure to my life. There are so many paths to happiness.

 

Cheers.

[ballycastle]

Ideas you should work on.

 

1. Stop thinking or worrying about what men want. I could tell you that women want guys who are rich, but that's a stereotype not an absolute truth that applies to everyone. Focus on what you want. The right man will come when you least expect him. But you have to be positive, and put yourself in a position to be met by someone worthwhile. You obviously don't want your eX back. And you seem to want to be in a relationship again. Is that really what you want?

 

2. You don't HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy. The day I stopped pressuring myself about needing to find someone to start a family because I'm getting older was the day I took a big step in recovery. I went through so much pain, that the last thing I needed was to add that unneeded pressure to my life. There are so many paths to happiness.

 

Cheers.

 

Hi thanks, but it is what men want!! There is proof of that.

 

In the book 'attached' by levine/amir it states that there are some people such as myself (anxious preoccupied) who want relationships, feel better with them. I am getting tired of feeling ashamed for being one of them.

 

Also if relationships aren't a big deal why are people in them?

 

If this thread was about desperately wanting a baby you wouldn't say, 'do something else with your life' would you? You would say about not giving up, finding other treatments to become a parent.

 

Why is it a different rule to meet a lifelong partner?

[Ralph79]

Hi thanks, but it is what men want!! There is proof of that.

 

In the book 'attached' by levine/amir it states that there are some people such as myself (anxious preoccupied) who want relationships, feel better with them. I am getting tired of feeling ashamed for being one of them.

 

Also if relationships aren't a big deal why are people in them?

 

If this thread was about desperately wanting a baby you wouldn't say, 'do something else with your life' would you? You would say about not giving up, finding other treatments to become a parent.

 

Why is it a different rule to meet a lifelong partner?

 

My father married my mother who was 5 years older than him. They stayed married for 40 years. Granted he wasn't a saint, but it's proof that we shouldn't talk in absolutes. I married someone several years younger than me, and I for one would rather find someone much MUCH closer to my age give or take either way. My now ex-wife used me and left me. I am now sick of dealing with immature women for the rest of my life.

 

If the OP goes about her life already thinking she's undesirable to men her age or younger then her whole outlook will reflect it. Believe in yourself, make yourself and act as the person you hope to find would want. And he/she will come.

 

Weather you chose to believe it or keep thinking only undesirable people will seek you is up to each and every one of us. But I find that we often project our state of mind in everything we do in some small way.

 

This thread is about change for the better, and the OP hasn't been able to find peace of mind since her breakup.

 

I was merely trying to help the OP find inner peace. I'm not trying to dissuade her from dating or finding a new partner, I'm merely trying to suggest she find happiness within herself first. She has much to be grateful for. She's a mother with a bright 21 year old daughter who has given her very smart advice. She has much to be proud about.

 

I also never said relationships aren't a big deal, but some people fill the void she feels through God. Some through their passion. Others through relationships. I've found that two "whole" people who share happiness symbiotically enjoy the best and most stable relationships. I was guilty of "needing" my eXwife to be happy. I will not make that mistake again. Happiness is something all spouses should bring to the table on their own accord.

 

I think once the OP finds the happiness within I'm talking about she will accept that she's worth much more than she gives herself credit for. And will stop giving in to curiosity about the guy who isn't worth her time.

 

The world has approximately 7.2 billion people on it. No single book covers how we all feel.