Azulianheart Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 My time has come, after reading for months on these LS, to share my story. Wish I could tell you a happy ending but like a freight train....here came some more pain to my heart just today. My story Met him late 2013, our story was beyond beautiful. Magical dates, amazing chemistry, I was acting hard to get at first and he was going full on crazy for me.Both his actions and words showed me he was falling hard for me and I was thinking he was so enchanting. Attraction was magical between us. Even though it took him 6 weeks to convince me to meet him in real life (we met online) after only 3 months of dating we moved in. I insisted in a way... That was my first mistake to rush it. He sounded like I was the woman he has been waiting for for a long time. He kept telling me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever had and the best in this and that, you get Honeymoon started to fade after 3 months, he was blowing hot and cold. I was slowly falling for him. Slowly but very deeply, poor naive me..... He soon started to miss his own house and we would have disagreements about it. In the end, what he was trying to tell me was that he wants out but I was so in love I thought he just wants to move back to his house and continue with me. Such a fool I was to ignore/read the red flags. He lacked balls to tell me the truth, postponing my agony.... After we moved in together I made the "fatal " mistake to lose my personality and gain a bit of weight. I became his admiring doormat. Cooking most nights, giving him total freedom to go out, being as sweet as I could be. I even bought him a present on my own b-day, hahah What an idiot... He bought me a present of course and because I was moved I thouhgt to give him one. That sums up how gullible I turned being blinded by love. Fast forward month 10 in our relationship. We would never fight that much but close to him dumping me he was starting to pick on fights. Sex, that used to be out of this world and yes, I am not exaggerating this one, started to feel like he does his duty and that was all. And rarely... We went on our, little did I know at that time, last vacation summer of 2014. 4 days after vacation he hit me up with the text "we need to talk". Next day he straight forward dumped me. He said he couldn't tell me a specific reason at first, then "it's not you it's me crap" then he said he cares a lot about me but I'm not the woman of his dreams and he is not happy but he admires me and I am a woman full of qualities who attention "has a special heart and gives everything" Of course! I was flabbergasted. Here I was, getting hit after hit straight from his mouth. He proposed me an arrangement: to stay friends and live together for few more months till his tenants leave his house. I agreed full of hope he will turn around and come to "his senses" and see what an awesome woman I am...... What an idiot I was.....again. First 2 weeks he was giving me full on attention, flowers, restaurants...even though he had just dumped me. We would even go to cinema. He would hug me when I was crying for him and would look like he cares..We even had sex a couple of times... Week 3 he started to go out 4 days out of 7. In a different city. The city he used to live in. I was so innocent to think nothing bad of it. Week 4 or 5 I started to feel what any woman feels when the guys turns weird, he had SOMEONE. The PAIN increased by the million with each second. I asked him on 3 different occasions if he is dating and each time he said "no" but never made eye contact with me...while answering. My suspicions increased. I know we were broken but he was living with me still and part of our agreement was to not date till he moves out. Yeah... laugh at my naivety... One day, I accidentally saw sexy messages pop up on his phone. (He never had a lock on his phone while together and I was never the "checking his phone type" but the not knowing was driving me crazy after he dumped me and right away him putting a lock on his phone drove me desperate to know more....) 2 days later, more sexy messages from her and him out on most nights...I had enough. That weekend I told him get out of my house. It took him 3 hrs to move/pack it all. He was in shock that I knew about his new flame and that I mustered to courage to kick him out. He left things behind to come and pick them later. 2 MONTHS later after he managed to make me break NC by asking his things back he drove to my house to collect them but to his surprise, I was not home, I left the door to my garage open so he could pick them up. From his messages he was going for a meet up to explain and talk to me like he was trying during those times but somehow I made the smart move to not face him...I was not ready..... The pain I endured after he got out of my life was close to none I have ever felt.... Every feeling each one of you felt and described in here after the BU....I felt. Reading you guys made me nod my head a thousand times. I had dark lonely nights and days......... almost crashing completely and losing myself. Two things I did well during this time. I was very strong to resist any of his attempts to contact me (except the stuff back exchange that I kept very very brief, 2 or 1 word answers) and worked the hell out of my body, losing huge amount of weight and getting in best shape I have ever been in my life. Falling back in love with myself basically.... Meanwhile, he was trying to contact me but I was a non speaking ice queen to him. His last message was to wish me merry xmas, my ass. He told me also that I should believe I could always contact him if I need anything and that "he cares if I am ok even if I do not believe it ". I was strong during holidays, our anniversary, his b-day......and that was few days ago.... BUT today........ after I already completed my NC almost a month ago I wanted to send him a message........and so I did...... Before you all say....oh no, why have you done it?... I had the perfect reason to do it in order not to look random and desperate.........He received a paper from his bank on my address, by accident. And since I was missing him like crazy and was curious about him I went ahead and sent him that text. Short sweet text about the damn paper. His answer was cold. So cold.... I broke my own heart again today. I am one of those that tried to break the ice and got badly burnt in return.... He comes online and ignores me now. So much for "please believe you can always contact me if you need anything". He broke my heart by dumping me, replacing me (I still believe he cheated on me with her).....and faked the biggest passion that there was just to have me and use me for a while.... I am so scared about this set back. Like many of you say here, when posting for the first time, please be gentle to me...... help ps: I hope that all of you that read this and see what my mistakes were have a better judgement.....But still, I do not regret texting him, I wanted it badly after 5 months of silence.....Now I am trying to dust myself off and back again in the saddle..... But tonight it hurts...... Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Well he's probably trying to get back at you for being an ice queen towards him, but that's too bad. He's the fool. Just get back on the nc wagon and keep it moving. Something tells me he will resurface at some point. Don't beat yourself up though for being human. So you gave into temptation? That's OK. It gave you more reason to continue on the right path. Stay strong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Two things I did well during this time. I was very strong to resist any of his attempts to contact me (except the stuff back exchange that I kept very very brief, 2 or 1 word answers) and worked the hell out of my body, losing huge amount of weight and getting in best shape I have ever been in my life. Falling back in love with myself basically.... This is great! You carry on doing this, work on yourself and up your value. I don't think many people realize how important it is to love themselves first. I have so many friends who lost themselves when they got into a relationship and when it ended, they don't even recognize the person in the mirror anymore >_< I hope you feel better after writing it all out, it helps you see just how badly you have been treated. Who in their right mind would want more of that? Whatever he did to you is all in the past so leave it there, focus on what you have and can have now. You've put the spotlight on him for long enough, time to put the spotlight back on yourself. You should always put yourself first and stick to you boundaries (not in a selfish way), just don't change who you are just to please someone. Become the best version of you and enjoy the process as you make that happen x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I don't get what you mean by "completing your NC". There isn't a time limit on NC, NC lasts until you are healed and recovered. Obviously if a cold response devastates you, you weren't healed and recovered. You need more NC. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 How is NC succesful when it has left you hurt again? Successful would mean him coming back into your life and you scoffing at him because you're just so fabulously well and going on about your life. Who, what's your name, what ex? You both future faked yourselves through this and ended up crashing and burning. You know who he is, the real person behind the fantasy image you once had of him. This is the fool that he is. He's not changing and becoming that great guy you once met. Don't ever revisit him. Block him. Remove him. You were able to detach with determination and resilience once, you will do it again. Only difference is you'll get over this little stumble a lot sooner, because all it is, is a little stumble. Stay strong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) I feel for you and wish you well, but: Nobody 'completes' NC. NC is forever, or at the least until you know you're fully healed. Take the next letter you receive, and write on it "Addressee not resident at this address" and put in the post box. Done. Now get back to your healing and make yourself happy. Edited February 4, 2015 by Satu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lawbstar Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Sometimes life will knock you down, but then you just have to get back up. It's okay if you need to stay down for a little bit, but don't forget that you do need to get up and keep going with life as life won't wait for you. Also, keep in mind that the biggest mistake you can make is not learning from your mistakes. Keep your chin up, look forward to your future (you can make that whatever you want it to be), and just do you . It already sounds like you have some good stuff going for you (i.e. getting back into shape). Just try to surround yourself with things that make you happy! Things that do not add any value to your life do not need to be there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 UPDATES WOW, all your responses, so sweet...Thank you... It feels weird after me being a lurker around here to get personal advice. So much appreciated. You guys are right, I said "successfully " in a foolish way thinking that some stereotype advice says you should do it for a certain amount of time. But YES yesterday his cold shoulder crashed me and I realized that I could be a wreck again..... Before you think I am crazy, after I worte all of it here and after he was coming online on and off ignoring me... he reached out close to midnight. I was extremely surrpised and yes....judge me, I was giddy and grinning.... I know...I am very honest here and please do not judge me harshly...I am not trying to put on a mask, I am incredibly strong at times and incredibly weak others like any other person. Dyna 85 you are spot on, he was trying to get back at me. We chatted for a half an hour, he was very talkative after the first texts that broke the thick ice.......when he was playing just coy. He kept asking me questions, I asked him bare minimum, let him do the talk out of curiosity. He came in with sexual remarks intertwined with nice messages like "it felt very weird for us to have no contact at all" Then he kept referring to himself becoming 40 more than 3 times, saying that that is old, he almost sounded like a middle aged crisis struck person. I am evil, I was grinning with joy, as I was expecting it that he will be a bit freaking out at turning 40. I am sooo happy resisted the urge to stroke his ego on his b-day. Twice he tried to fish for compliments from me, twice he got none. Hahah Anyway, when I felt that he was starting to make too many sexual remarks in a subtle but also not so subtle away, I laughed it off and wished him good night, telling him it was fun to catch up and vanished into the night. I was again proud I could dust off and leave the chat that was getting heated on his part and would put me in a weak stupid position. Now ... it comes another confession to you guys. Yes, I did work on myself wonders, I feel amazing and look the best I have in years maybe in forever. I get a lot of admirers at the moment and dates are lined up, and before you frown at me, yes, I am ready emotionally speaking to date but enjoying single life right now (thing that I thought impossible 5 months ago) and not looking for specifics. Well my confession being, I want to see my ex. Why? Out of a stupid reason but it is MY reason knowing our dynamics. To show off. I am certain, knowing him that he will be blown away. This guy used to shake around me and he hasn't even seen the best version yet. Again, why do I do this? Because "revenge" is sweet. And because I know that "one on one" I have the upper hand. He told me I was not the woman of his dreams when he dumped me and replaced me like an old battery. Now, I thought, it is my turn to show I am the woman of my own damn dreams, because I am, excuse my arrogance! And now after I told him "good night" he said good night back using a nickname he would always use with me to carve more sympathy on my part. And the most important line during our chat he that half way through it he offered to take me out to dinner. I dismissed the line giving no real answer. But today after my run with all endorphines running through my body I told myself "the heck, I will accept his offer" I do not need him anymore so I think I can handle this experience. I hope I do not confuse you or I do not sound all over the place but I really want him to see me. I know all our stories are different on LS. In my case, I never begged him (still amazed at myself how I didn't cave in at the time considering the visceral pain I felt) nor gnat text him ever even after he suddenly dumped me in the coldest fashion. Crying two times is all he saw from me. For the rest..... I put the biggest poker face in my life whilst I was close to suicidal from the inside.... If any elements from my story resonate with you, please know that if a woman like me with absolutely no family member left in her life and very few real friends can survive this, you can too!! And please please fall in love with whom you are, work out, change up things, experiment looks, anything!!! Pain does subside drop by drop. Slowly but surely.... Back to my update, I sent him a short text today telling him I take him up on that diner offer and the date that I wanted to happen, which is a Saturday and for all we know........... he might still be in a relation with that woman he cheated me with. So I took a big risk to be rejected, ignored flat on my face. To my huge surprise, because I made sure to lower my expectations drastically this time, unlike yesterday when I crashed and burnt myself, he ANSWERED within exactly 5 minutes! He said that is is up for it on the specified day. The last 24 hours have been a roller-coaster for me but now I am calm. Within 2 weeks from now on I will go meet him up. It can go all kinds of wrong but I am ready and my life has a lot on the plate at the moment, to be happy even after I realise there is no me and him once more, although I already know there is no me and him. I miss his personality but his character is so shady.... Is it closure what I am expecting? Absolutely not! I've already had some sort of closure in my heart. I know he is incapable of loving anyone and a big narcissist in search for his next ego stroker. I am happy I never confessed nor told him that I loved him. Him being blowing hot and cold on me all the time prevented me from ever uttering the words "I love you to him" and now looking back I am glad I refrained. Like I said, I want to see with my own eyes how does it feel for him when the woman you kicked to the curve and stepped on her heart shows up in a big fashion looking amazing from inside out. Yes, I am aware that there is a big chance of getting hurt in this. But this is me, making my life complicated and colourful with forbidden things at times. Bear with me. Love any support or comments coming from you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 sorry for the big big rant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 How is NC succesful when it has left you hurt again? You both future faked yourselves through this and ended up crashing and burning. You know who he is, the real person behind the fantasy image you once had of him. soooooo trueeeeee. Wow spot on, Zahara! Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Let us know what happens at dinner..... And don't do anything but dinner!! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Sounds like he's buttering you up for a FWB situation. That's my initial reaction, especially since he's been sending you sex-based texts. Since you sent out a feeler I think he's curious to see if he can get some action out of it. And I don't think trying for revenge, or whatever you're motivation is (your post was long and kind of all over the place), is healthy or prudent. Odds are that you are going to be the one trampled over, not him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I wish you luck, though I would also advise you not to do dinner at this point. I know I would not be ready for something like this after only one month NC, especially after being cheated on. If it's something you are determined to do, just be careful so you do not get hurt again and end up right back where you were. Be the best version of yourself and don't let him hurt you again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I wish you luck, though I would also advise you not to do dinner at this point. I know I would not be ready for something like this after only one month NC, especially after being cheated on. almost 6 months since the break up for me. That is the thing, I will never know if he really met her right the week after the break up or he had her all lined up before he dumped me and dumped me for her.... Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 almost 6 months since the break up for me. That is the thing, I will never know if he really met her right the week after the break up or he had her all lined up before he dumped me and dumped me for her.... So this is some factfinding mission to figure out at what point he cheated on you? Complete and utter waste of time if so. Just bad, bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Sounds like he's buttering you up for a FWB situation. That's my initial reaction, especially since he's been sending you sex-based texts. True words. It is not for nothing that I mustered to courage to post on this forum. I have a 2 weeks time to change my mind about the dinner and get myself calm and together, and all your input makes me think further than my own thinking, though in the end I will do what I feel like doing when the time will come. This guy is the classic player, he plays any woman by the book. It is scary to watch his patterns. He is a pro at it. He was in a toxic relationship in a previous marriage for a decade, she kept bullying him (I have the proof that she really did) and treated him poorly and now he does the same to all the women he dates. I was his longest lived relationship after his divorce. He normally dumps women within maximum three months without an ounce of remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 So this is some factfinding mission to figure out at what point he cheated on you? Complete and utter waste of time if so. Just bad, bad idea. I won't even bring the idea of her or our past relationship into discussion. I do not care abut fact checking, it is futile. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 True words. It is not for nothing that I mustered to courage to post on this forum. I have a 2 weeks time to change my mind about the dinner and get myself calm and together, and all your input makes me think further than my own thinking, though in the end I will do what I feel like doing when the time will come. This guy is the classic player, he plays any woman by the book. It is scary to watch his patterns. He is a pro at it. He was in a toxic relationship in a previous marriage for a decade, she kept bullying him (I have the proof that she really did) and treated him poorly and now he does the same to all the women he dates. I was his longest lived relationship after his divorce. He normally dumps women within maximum three months without an ounce of remorse. So what the hell are you trying to do then? Are you really trying to out-play a player? That's not going to happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Let us know what happens at dinner..... And don't do anything but dinner!! Hahah, I hear you. I am curious if I still find him attractive. It feels like centuries the last time I saw him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 So what the hell are you trying to do then? Are you really trying to out-play a player? That's not going to happen. There we go, you sound very judgemental. I am sure a lot of us on LS have residual feelings of...you fill in the gaps. I am doing what my instincts tell me at this moment in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 When did he ask you out to dinner? Was it when he called you that night? I really don't think you should go because you still have love for him. The fact that you want to show yourself off to him is proof that you are still heavily involved. Please don't think he won't see what you are up to and smile to himself that you put that much effort into him. He will try to sleep with you because he will feel he can. You may let him and then you'll be set back even further because everything will go back to the way it was and you're left wondering why he's not calling. If you were over him you would be completely indifferent to him. I think you should take your "new self" out with some of these new guys who are admiring you and forget about heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 There we go, you sound very judgemental. I am sure a lot of us on LS have residual feelings of...you fill in the gaps. I am doing what my instincts tell me at this moment in my life. Your instincts have you all over the place. You were "heartbroken" that he didn't return a text, then you were giddy, then you were talking revenge. You're all over the map, which is the absolute wrong state to meet an ex who cheated on you with no remorse. I mean, what is the concrete goal of the meet up? I'm honestly confused as to what you are doing, why you are doing it, and what you hope to accomplish. Operating strictly on feel is a bad idea -- you need to integrate your brain and common sense into what you are doing. Figure out exactly what you want before even contemplating contacting this person. But chasing feelings (if that's the motivation) is a first-class ticket to nowhere. It's like continuing to play blackjack in a casino after you've already lost a few thousand dollars in the hopes that you'll catch a lucky streak of cards. For the one person who gets that lucky streak, there are several thousand that fall further into debt and have to take out loans to pay their mortgage. This has disaster written all over it. Not only is it too early and your feelings are too strong and all over the place, but you don't really seem to have a set, tangible goal in mind. I would really encourage you not to go through with this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 When did he ask you out to dinner? Was it when he called you that night? I really don't think you should go because you still have love for him. The fact that you want to show yourself off to him is proof that you are still heavily involved. Please don't think he won't see what you are up to and smile to himself that you put that much effort into him. He will try to sleep with you because he will feel he can. You may let him and then you'll be set back even further because everything will go back to the way it was and you're left wondering why he's not calling. If you were over him you would be completely indifferent to him. I think you should take your "new self" out with some of these new guys who are admiring you and forget about heartache. Sound advice, I appreciate it. That's the catch. Sleeping with him is not on my mind. I do have feelings for him. Show me one on here who does not have a drop of feelings for their exes. Love is a big word, since I never even used it on him. I already have a date with a guy I like planned a week before the dinner with my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Your instincts have you all over the place. You were "heartbroken" that he didn't return a text, then you were giddy, then you were talking revenge. You're all over the map, which is the absolute wrong state to meet an ex who cheated on you with no remorse. I mean, what is the concrete goal of the meet up? I'm honestly confused as to what you are doing, why you are doing it, and what you hope to accomplish. Operating strictly on feel is a bad idea -- you need to integrate your brain and common sense into what you are doing. Figure out exactly what you want before even contemplating contacting this person. But chasing feelings (if that's the motivation) is a first-class ticket to nowhere. It's like continuing to play blackjack in a casino after you've already lost a few thousand dollars in the hopes that you'll catch a lucky streak of cards. For the one person who gets that lucky streak, there are several thousand that fall further into debt and have to take out loans to pay their mortgage. This has disaster written all over it. Not only is it too early and your feelings are too strong and all over the place, but you don't really seem to have a set, tangible goal in mind. I would really encourage you not to go through with this. You left me speechless. Wow, do I sound that desperate? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I see trouble ahead, sorry. I am guessing he is contacting you as he has no date at the moment or she is perhaps out of town. Potential problem scenarios for you. 1. He doesn't come to the dinner - he has another date or just flakes and makes up some lame excuse. 2. He is not particularly wowed by your new look or worse still he puts you down, as he is still bitter. 3. He is wowed, you have a great dinner, it is almost like old times, but he leaves and you don't hear from him, not a word. 4. He is wowed, he manages to seduce you, you end up flattered and you have sex - next day he is uncontactable or cold or says he cannot see you again because of his gf and asks you not to contact him. 5 He is wowed you have sex and then he gives you a booty call at 11pm the next night... he sees you as a FWB or his new mistress... 6. He wants you back, you resist and then you give in and take him back... 3 weeks later he is acting weird again... All these situations leave you vulnerable and will set you back for months. Be very careful here. Yesterday he "broke your heart" just by being cold, goodness knows what he is capable of if any of the above scenarios come to pass... I just do not think you are in a stable enough place atm to see him. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts