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Ignored at school by Ex and the guy she left me for


Nascarfan

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Hey everyone. First of all, I just want to say thank you for hearing me out as there aren't many people I can talk to and the LS community has been great. This fantastic site really helps me to express myself.

 

To make a long story short, my Ex of 2.5 years left me for her friend. Of course she didn't tell me that, but instead told me she needed to find herself. She wanted me to stay friends and to stay in the class she had planned for us to take while we were together. It was when I found out that she cheated (emotional affair) that I removed all contact with her and dropped that class. I haven't spoken with her in 2 months.

 

The issue I'm having though is that I'm forced to see both of them at school (college) now that the semester has started. So, as the no contact guide says, I smile at them when I have to pass by them. When I see my ex she looks away immediately and/or keeps her back to me. Today, I saw the guy she's with now and he ignored me like I was non-existent (and we were on good terms before she broke it off).

 

I just don't get how after she didn't ever express her changing feelings with me (which I greatly encouraged in our rs) and cheated on me, that I'm made out to be the bad guy. I treated her like a queen and was there for her when no one else was, and I think that the least I deserved was to be told the truth. I've done my best to make positive changes in my life and I've stayed as NC as I can, but it really hurts to know how everything happened, and when they ignore me, it's a reminder of the biggest betrayal I've ever known. When it happens, I get such a strong urge to break NC and check her tumblr to see what she's thinking, but I know it would be a really bad idea.

 

I would very much appreciate your guys' advice on how to better cope with having to see them at school, the ignoring, and how to move on from this.

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Honestly, your composure in the midst of this is impressive. I say keep doing what you're doing. That must be incredibly difficult to be continuously reminded of the betrayal. You're handling it very well though by acting unaffected and avoiding her social media.

 

It may take a while to get over this, considering how long you were together, but in the end, you will be stronger for it.

 

Try to keep yourself occupied by studying, exercising, talking with friends, and doing whatever helps you get through the days.

 

Maybe there is a group counseling thing they offer on campus. You could look into it.

 

All in all, you sound like you have a lot going for yourself. Based on the way you presented the situation in writing and your self-reflection, you seem quite intelligent and like you have a lot of inner strength, so use that to your advantage as you work through the difficult emotions.

 

For reasons that might not be clear at the current moment, this experience was meant to happen. You'll see this in time.

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Simon Phoenix

I think the first thing you need to do is stop looking for validation from her, and from him for that matter. Stay focused on the facts of the matter, she betrayed you and hung you out to dry. Knowing that, why would you even want to acknowledge them, or care about their acknowledgment of you? If anything, if I were you I'd want nothing to do with them.

 

While staying permanently angry isn't a good thing, you need to reach the anger stage more than anything. Their betrayal is a bad reflection on them, not on you. You need to value yourself and you need to get pissed. Not pissed to the point where you are talking to them and getting in their face, but pissed at them for putting this situation on you. Once you get angry enough, you won't want their validation. In fact, the concept of them validating you will get you angry, because they don't have the type of importance or integrity to do such a thing.

 

Instead of being sad by the ignoring, revel in it. Realize that their ignoring is because they know they f--ked you over. Stop looking for reinforcement from people who don't deserve your time and attention.

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Consider this: you may not be getting made out to be "the bad guy." It's quite possible that the two of them are ashamed of what happened, and often our way of coping with that is to avoid avoid avoid whatever reminds us of our shame.

 

So their ignoring you probably isn't because they are hostile or think of you as the bad guy, but because they are rightly ashamed of how things happened, and instead of dealing with it in some active fashion, they just avoid you.

 

Now, having said that, it's always possible that she did make you out to be the bad guy somehow, as an excuse for her cheating - that's not uncommon. But if that's the case, then it's still just a psychological game on her part, to avoid taking responsibility for her own cheating - to throw the blame elsewhere. And if that's the case, "he" is likely to believe it as well, because then it makes him feel like it minimizes his complicity in the cheating.

 

So either way, it's a (probably subconscious) mind-game on their part to avoid admitting, facing, and owning their behaviors. The important thing for you to realize is in either of these scenarios, it's really about their struggle to hide from themselves, and very little an actual reflection on you.

 

You know who you are, and of all the people in the world, you don't need their validation or acknowledgement to be confident of your own integrity and character.

 

Do you see how their behavior (in either of these scenarios: shame or misplaced hostility) is really all about them, their failure of character, and their struggles to cover it up and avoid facing it in their own lives?

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts and advice! It truly means a lot. This was my first relationship so all I really know is from all the reading I've done here on LS.

 

I agree, I'm sure they are ashamed to some degree. The reason I felt like she made me a bad guy was because people I am normally on good terms with seem to resent me (those that are in close contact with her). She has a history of making herself a victim in order to save her image. We've been through that many times, and rarely did I seek the other side of the story, the side I wasn't hearing. This was probably because I was bitten by the "love bug". Now I realize more than ever how important that other side is.

 

I dealt with self-esteem issues growing up so maybe that has played a part in slowing the transition into the anger phase. It feels like these types of things normally would make me angry, and they have in the past, but I don't know why it just brings a feeling of grief in this case. Maybe it's because she seemed to depend on me for so many things and I tried to hard so keep her happy, and for her to do this was just a complete slap in the face. I'm really willing to do whatever it takes to move on from this.

 

I've seen a psychologist at school and have been reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" in addition to exercise, CBT, haircut, keeping busy, changing eating habits, etc. They have helped, but damn, I just want to not let this crap bother me anymore. I want to have that attitude where I don't care what they or their friends/family think, and when they pass by, it's as if I'm seeing people I've never met before, it's that apathetic. I can't wait til the day where it doesn't cross my mind once.

 

You guys are completely right, I just hope that I can get to that mindset as soon as possible. :(

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Brokenpenguin

Hey,

 

I saw your post on my thread saying your story is similar to mine, from what you have written it sounds like you are handling your situation really well, You mention they are ignoring you but I don't think they are really worth your time.

 

It's hard seeing them every single day with no way to avoid it but you seem to be doing great, just carry on, keep going and all will be well

 

And I know what you mean by your ex making you sound like the bad guy, she straight up tells people I treated her like ****, which isn't true but our mutual friends and such seem to believe her, even though everyone knows she left me for her friend. Infact a couple of the few close friends I have beleive her as well. This is what gets to me the most, I'm certainly not claiming to be the perfect boyfriend but I was far from treating her like ****.

 

Anyway I'm going on about me to much, you seem to be doing pretty well for yourself, you defiantly seem to be the better person and one day it will all be a distant memory, good luck.

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2-3 months post BU is still a very raw time, emotionally, especially considering the length of your relationship and the manner in which it ended.

 

Stick to your guns and keep NC, keep working on yourself. Eventually, you will feel awesome for honoring your needs and moving forward in the darkest moments.

 

At the peak of my pain, I forced myself to do hobbies, even if I didn't want to. I'd force myself to walk or work out, half the time I cried while I did it, but I made sure to keep pressing forward. Now, in hindsight, I feel like I've acquired some serious voodoo powers for my own commitment to doing what was best for myself during my worst.

 

Give yourself credit... you'll feel better in time. Ditto what Simon Phoenix said about getting angry, just find constructive ways to feel it and let it all out. (Brutally hard workouts worked for me.)

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sober and dry

Believe me that you are coping quiet well. Probably you still need to heal a little further, but I feel you are in the right way!

If this happened to me I would surely punch the dude right away, so you are miles further than me!

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Thank you for the encouragement, you guys! Receiving your thoughts and advice has been one of the few things that has truly helped me to feel better. To me, I feel that the way to really get rid of a problem is to deal with it directly, and this website not only allows me to do that but even encourages it!

 

I'm glad that you guys feel I'm coping well. I know that many of you have experienced much more than I have, and to have your perspective is very reassuring. Sometimes I do feel more angry than sad, so maybe I'm transitioning into that phase. I know that I have been in that phase before when I pursued a girl that just played games with me, so I believe that it's possible.

 

Do you guys have any advice to overcome my tendency to seek validation? I've noticed that it's been a big part of my life for a long time, but I also know that it shouldn't be that way. I should be strong without needing the approval or validation of others. Also, in your experience, does keeping busy really help to move on? I feel like that would just save the pain for another time, but maybe the brain is working through things in the subconscious?

 

Anyway, thank you again. :)

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  • 3 months later...
  • Author

Hey, everyone! Well, it's now been almost 6 months since my ex called it off, and I'm happy to say that things are getting better. I never thought things would be as good as they are at this point. I've learned so much, not only from the whole experience, but from all of you here on LS as well. I wouldn't take any of it back because it's made me the man I am today.

 

I started doing things for me again, instead of allowing my ex to control my life. I have a job and a car now. I also just found out that I got straight As this semester and I've made some great friends along the way. Sure, I still see my ex at school every now and then, but things aren't nearly as bad as they were (in terms of how I feel). I've accepted the fact that we are over, and I've realized that I don't want a girl that will control me, cheat on me, and lie to me. No one should ever "settle". I've started to ask myself the important questions in life. What do I want to do? How do I want to live my life? How do I want to treat the women in my life? Am I happy with where I'm at? Am I happy with where I'm going? It is by this self-inquisition that has helped guide my life to where I'm at, I recommend everyone on here to ask these kinds of questions. It may surprise you.

 

For anyone going through a breakup, please know that things will get better. It's a hell of a tough process to go through, but you'll be a better person because of it. I guarantee that. I still have my days where I think about my ex, and have feelings of anger, sadness, etc. but I don't let that stop me from my vision of moving forward. Just know that you aren't alone, and that the sooner you conquer this, the sooner you will find the person you are truly looking for.

 

One last thing I would like to advise is to go with the current. If there is something you want to express, express it. Now, this doesn't necessarily mean to contact your ex, but do things like writing a vent letter or talking with someone about how you feel. Do not keep the things in the "closet" of the back of your mind. They will only grow, and you will have to deal with them eventually.

 

Be strong, my friends. - Nascarfan

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