After all this time...I still miss her so much

[Hoosfoos]

Together just under 2 years, been split for more than a year now. Almost complete and total NC. Haven't seen her face since the day she dumped me. She wasn't even particularly nice to me at times...held the relationship hostage, made ultimatums, put me down, all that crap...although the good memories are incredible. Mind blowing sex. Amazing girl. A contradiction, I know.

 

The only lesson I have learned is that I should have called her bluff and left when she made one of her periodical threats to leave. If that's the only lesson I can walk away with, it's not a good one. That kind of lesson doesn't make you wiser, it just makes you not want to trust anyone ever again. Ironically, she didn't respect me for allowing her to get away with the ***** that she deliberately pulled. Call her on her s#it and I would expect an argument, so I kept quiet to keep the peace. A true mindf*ck. Apparently this dynamic is common with women and makes me even less inclined to trust.

 

I've gone to ridiculous lengths to improve myself. Eliminated every trace of her from my life. Almost the best physical shape of my life. Gone back to school for the next 2 years for an interesting program at a nearby technical college, to get out of my long term job dissatisfaction rut. Taking care of myself. Seeking help. It's just like on days like today, in bleak January, that my thoughts are on her and I'm running through my mind a particular time; a particular encounter when we were together. I can guarantee you she has long moved on, and has been having lots of fun. That's the type of person she is.

 

What really hurts is that during the time we've been apart, I haven't had a single date, a single second glance or a flirt from anyone. Tinder is a disaster. Not as if I'm ready, though. She's probably had someone to replace me for a long time now. Running into her would crush me so I live a life to completely avoid that from happening. As a result, my life is compromised. For her it would be like water off a ducks back.

 

I'm no spring chicken (44) and I'm noticing the obvious effects of aging, and worry that she was my last chance to find someone. I look far from bad, but I definitely don't have the luxury of youth on my side. I guess I can tell people who are heartbroken in their 20s is that they have nothing to worry about and will have plenty of opportunities to meet people. I can look back and know that to be true from my own experience - but at this age now, it doesn't feel true anymore. It's been forever since we've split and it feels like it will continue to be forever until I feel OK. I don't have a clue what it's going to take.

Edited January 29, 2015 by Hoosfoos

[Ieris]

What do you mean your last chance to find somebody? You have plenty of opportunities so cut out those negative thoughts. She is long gone and you are still focusing on her, that is where your time and energy is wasted. Divert your attention where it needs to be (on yourself) and don't let her affect your life any longer. No one can treat you like putty in their hands unless you let them, this is something you need to work on.

 

Stop thinking about what you could/should have done. None of that matters anymore. You can't go back and relive it so focus on what you can do now instead x

[Mi7522]

You're not a confident guy right now it seems. There are plenty of women out there that would enjoy going on a date with a 44 year old or flirt with them. When was the last time you were out with mates and had a good time? If you're not getting yourself out there then trust me they don't just show up knocking on your door. If you feel good then you look good and that's when you build confidence. Be confident my man and you'll feel much better about yourself and what you can accomplish.

[sober and dry]

So 1 year is gone, but what's the problem of that?! If you are not yet trough you will be, it can even be tomorrow! Just be open about it and don't blame yourself for it.

 

The only lesson I have learned is that I should have called her bluff and left when she made one of her periodical threats to leave. If that's the only lesson I can walk away with, it's not a good one. That kind of lesson doesn't make you wiser, it just makes you not want to trust anyone ever again.

Yes this makes you wiser! You now know that a person how does this doesn't deserve trust. Not everyone.

 

You haven't just learn one thing, I guess. Let's see what else you learned.

 

Ironically, she didn't respect me for allowing her to get away with the ***** that she deliberately pulled.

1-someone who doesn't respect you doesn't deserve you.

2-if you don't respect yourself, nobody will respect you

 

Call her on her s#it and I would expect an argument, so I kept quiet to keep the peace.

1-a recurrent problem must be discussed, if not it will just escalate and become a source of frustration for the person who let it go.

2-you are not keeping the peace doing this kind of thing. You above everything. Externally you are "keeping" the peace, but what about inside you?

 

Apparently this dynamic is common with women and makes me even less inclined to trust.

This dynamic is common with man and women if you allow it.

 

I can guarantee you she has long moved on, and has been having lots of fun. That's the type of person she is.

1-so at least by now you know/learned that she is not the one.

2-you learned that this is not the kind of person you want for yourself.

 

 

Now what you can learn

What really hurts is that during the time we've been apart, I haven't had a single date, a single second glance or a flirt from anyone. Tinder is a disaster. Not as if I'm ready, though. She's probably had someone to replace me for a long time now. Running into her would crush me so I live a life to completely avoid that from happening. As a result, my life is compromised. For her it would be like water off a ducks back.

You are still clinging on her a lot, that the reason for everything else. As matter of fact I think you still have pretty raw felling from her and the RS. As you say, this is compromising your life.

I would suggest that you let it go, her and the avoidance. Avoidance is a double edge sword, you avoid something to try and forget about it, but as you try to avoid it you can't stop thinking about it and so your are not forgetting it. Can you see the loop here?

 

I'm no spring chicken (44) and I'm noticing the obvious effects of aging, and worry that she was my last chance to find someone. I look far from bad, but I definitely don't have the luxury of youth on my side. I guess I can tell people who are heartbroken in their 20s is that they have nothing to worry about and will have plenty of opportunities to meet people. I can look back and know that to be true from my own experience - but at this age now, it doesn't feel true anymore. It's been forever since we've split and it feels like it will continue to be forever until I feel OK. I don't have a clue what it's going to take.

It doesn't matter if you have 44, 22 or 88... There is no such a thing as last chance in love. You just need to be ready and allow it to happen. Sorry but I think that's two thing you don't have at this stage because you still have a lot to heal. I believe that you have one foot out and you just need to pull the other now! Let go of her first of all, let go of the pain and anger, bear the depression and improve yourself. There is no recipe for it, you just do it as it comes and as you can. You just can give up at any measure and you can't be croaker about it as you are being.

 

Sorry for the big wall but I felt that you need to hear some of this. Interesting note, writing it was almost like resuming what I had learned about my last RS.

 

Keep strong mate and go for it! Post here things like this, people will help you and you WILL get over this and WILL find your next opportunity.

 

Now away from the logic and "scientific" bases I tried to use until here, true, deep love only happens when you are not searching for it or expecting it to happen. But this is just my life experience, maybe I'm a poor seeker of love

[Hoosfoos]

I appreciate the responses. I do have to say, that there are many other details that I do not have time to explain, that make this more than just an ordinary break up. There are multiple layers of hurt to this one.

[sober and dry]

Of course there are but in the end of the day pain is pain, life is life and healing is healing as much the same as any ordinary BU.

[idoltree]

Hey Hoosfoos! Just an encouraging note from a woman who'd be interested in a single 44 year old guy, but only if he were emotionally available. You aren't there yet, but you easily can be.

 

I met my ex when he was 45. I'm younger than him, I'm the most attractive woman he's dated, I gave him quite the challenge keeping up with me in the boudoir, and it wasn't my choice to end the relationship. There is hope for you! (And I kinda hope he's looking back and thinking I was his last chance and kicking himself, but I digress...)

 

Honestly, your ex sounds like an immature nightmare. I think that you still feel stuck on her is because you had the unfortunate experience of dating an emotional vampire. She knew how to mirror you early on and be exactly who you wanted her to be in a way that made you feel fulfilled. Later on, when she was nice, she was really nice. But mostly, she wasn't nice. The rollercoaster nature made it passionate, and of course you miss the highs of the rollercoaster. But the highs only felt so great because the lows were so low. People get addicted to the rollercoaster, and it causes them to repeatedly get paired with vampires. Don't be that guy.

 

It's really important that you work on yourself after one of these relationships so you don't fall prey to another one. Every time with one of these women will further cement pathways in your brain that what you had with her is love: passion and the rollercoaster are love. Except that they're not.

 

You mention that you are physically active, and that you're taking courses, both of which are awesome. But have you sought any counseling for you, to sort out why you're having trouble fully letting go and what led you to be susceptible to an emotional vampire in the first place? You want to identify the early red flags about her true nature and strategies in how you might notice them in other women. I think that's the real challenge for yourself and what is keeping you stuck in your fears.

 

Get better and get out there. Look for evidence of true empathy and an ability to introspect and admit fault for mistakes in their lives, since vampires cannot do those things.

 

I am proof that there are single women out there looking for a guy your age. Life doesn't end at 44.

Edited January 29, 2015 by idoltree

[Hoosfoos]

Honestly, your ex sounds like an immature nightmare. I think that you still feel stuck on her is because you had the unfortunate experience of dating an emotional vampire. She knew how to mirror you early on and be exactly who you wanted her to be in a way that made you feel fulfilled. Later on, when she was nice, she was really nice. But mostly, she wasn't nice. The rollercoaster nature made it passionate, and of course you miss the highs of the rollercoaster. But the highs only felt so great because the lows were so low. People get addicted to the rollercoaster, and it causes them to repeatedly get paired with vampires.

 

Wow. Reading that gave me chills. It sounds like you met both of us. On paper she was everything I had ever looked for in a woman. And yes there were some very low lows. She was never truly in my corner.

Edited January 29, 2015 by Hoosfoos

[jphcbpa]

Your heart was broken long before this woman. She has brought to the surface many old wounds. Take your time and be gentle on yourself. No timeline for healing.

[Oneness]

I am so sorry....this dynamic is common with someone with Borderline or Narcisstic traits. That this why it is so hard to get over this...they do deep damage, that takes an extra long time to heal from. Have you looked into therapy for yourself? You deserve to be happy, and to be able to love again..44 is still young to me...she has dealt a huge blow to your self esteem, but if you work on yourself, if you get help, I know you can get better.