SycamoreCircle Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I'm nearing a year NC. You reach a point where to imagine a second chance holds no feeling. You can't get angry, time is superior. You can't be happy about any prospect---the innocence of the thing is gone. You can't idolize working towards new closeness---that's the unspoken pact between the two of you---to wander together into a very open and mysterious space feeling a very simple but unknown pleasure together, like wet grass under your feet. You had relapses in the NC, glancing at her social media, but no longer. You know there's only hurt there. You are like an adult that recognizes drinking and partying are just going to make you feel like sh;t the next day. It's not a great feeling. But it's not suffering and pain. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I have to say, in comparison to the I am so happy again messages, yes this is truthful for me. Beautifully put. Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Well put, my man. Do you ever question your actions if your ex did contact you one day, or is it a strong, "no second chance, by any means" feeling you have in your heart? Link to post Share on other sites
towardthefuture Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Well put, my man. Do you ever question your actions if your ex did contact you one day, or is it a strong, "no second chance, by any means" feeling you have in your heart? If you read his original breakup thread you might get the sense that his second chance would end in an apartment fire. Would you agree Sycamore? Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 If you read his original breakup thread you might get the sense that his second chance would end in an apartment fire. Would you agree Sycamore? HAHA, ok. Not familiar with his story. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I'm nearing a year NC. You reach a point where to imagine a second chance holds no feeling. You can't get angry, time is superior. You can't be happy about any prospect---the innocence of the thing is gone. You can't idolize working towards new closeness---that's the unspoken pact between the two of you---to wander together into a very open and mysterious space feeling a very simple but unknown pleasure together, like wet grass under your feet. You had relapses in the NC, glancing at her social media, but no longer. You know there's only hurt there. You are like an adult that recognizes drinking and partying are just going to make you feel like sh;t the next day. It's not a great feeling. But it's not suffering and pain. Hi..I just read your threads and I have a few questions if you don't mind? How old are you? And how long we're you in this relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 When you say you have questions for me, I sense you're trying to exempt yourself from my self-prognosis. What are my qualifications? I had someone in my life that made me truly truly happy. That's all you need, really. That and betrayal. I remember in the early days of courting, when everything was so elastic and permissible, I quoted to her Jean Genet, something like, "Betrayal is a natural extension of love." You sound smart to yourself. You make yourself out to be above the people around you. All that young momentum has to go somewhere. When it happened, I scrambled back and tried to find the quote. No doing. There's the real betrayal: you have boundaries, too. I watched that mindless action movie, The Equalizer with Denzel Washington; likewise you might take Robin Williams' character in Good Will Hunting. Our culture has a fascination with widowers, something mythic about it. Ha! Our skill set must be superhuman and concentrate and our love must be impossible. It's the vulnerability we grant our men. It's male enough, we suppose. They should cough up a character whose LOSS is from a love that extinguished the love, herself. Now, there's some dimension. There's true obstacle. In the end, the hero would probably just look pathetic. His inability to hop back on the proverbial horse would be too much weakness for any audience to bear. Like the bartender who when he heard my story said, "Man, that's the worst. It sucks losing that pu$$y." Link to post Share on other sites
Invictus01 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I've read that it takes around 12-24 months to get your stuff together after dealing with a suspected sociopath. Looks like you are getting at 12 months. Good job dude. Time takes care of everything. I have long ways to go, but I will be there too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 I've read that it takes around 12-24 months to get your stuff together after dealing with a suspected sociopath. Looks like you are getting at 12 months. Good job dude. Time takes care of everything. I have long ways to go, but I will be there too. In the very beginning, there were nights when I would strangle my pillow. Pain opens you up to new empathy. I totally understand crimes of passion now. I wouldn't put it past anybody. I also believed momentarily that she was under some kind of demonic possession. The other man's name was English for "dark raven." Add to that her sudden interest in Satanism and witchcraft and all the pieces started to fit. I'm neither violent nor superstitious. Yet I was fantasizing about killing and putting hexes on the two of them. It would seem sociopathy breeds sociopathy. Thank God I broke out of that frame of mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Invictus01 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 In the very beginning, there were nights when I would strangle my pillow. Pain opens you up to new empathy. I totally understand crimes of passion now. I wouldn't put it past anybody. I also believed momentarily that she was under some kind of demonic possession. The other man's name was English for "dark raven." Add to that her sudden interest in Satanism and witchcraft and all the pieces started to fit. I'm neither violent nor superstitious. Yet I was fantasizing about killing and putting hexes on the two of them. It would seem sociopathy breeds sociopathy. Thank God I broke out of that frame of mind. I kid you not man, I had exact same thoughts. The first month, I couldn't recognize myself and where my brain would go. It was pretty damn scary. You ask anybody - I am the nicest friendliest guy. This put me into a state of mind I never want to revisit. Link to post Share on other sites
sammiexo Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Thank you for this post. I'm still trying to learn..You had relapses in the NC, glancing at her social media, but no longer. You know there's only hurt there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Thank you for this post. I'm still trying to learn..You had relapses in the NC, glancing at her social media, but no longer. You know there's only hurt there. LS was a huge source of release for me. Still is. Any time you feel the compulsion to check her social media, come here instead. Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 LS was a huge source of release for me. Still is. Any time you feel the compulsion to check her social media, come here instead. Yes I agree and glad that OP stated 12 to 24 months after dating a sociopath. I am only 8 months in and the anger and betrayal on horizon but starting to subside. I think the best thing I did was to delete/suspend my Facebook account. There is nothing worse than seeing the illusion of other couples doing better (marriage/honeymoon pics/babies/holidays together/partying etc) that do nothing to progress your own journey. I've not logged on since November and have saved so much time wondering what others are doing and concentrating on my own recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Yes I agree and glad that OP stated 12 to 24 months after dating a sociopath. I am only 8 months in and the anger and betrayal on horizon but starting to subside. I think the best thing I did was to delete/suspend my Facebook account. There is nothing worse than seeing the illusion of other couples doing better (marriage/honeymoon pics/babies/holidays together/partying etc) that do nothing to progress your own journey. I've not logged on since November and have saved so much time wondering what others are doing and concentrating on my own recovery. One of the greatest changes I've made to my mentally was to stop comparing myself to others. I used to see all the people on FB who were in love or more successful or had more than me and it would make me feel terrible and inadequate. As I'm building my life back up, I've learned that my self-worth is defined by who I am and not what I have. That mindset has made all the difference in the world to me. I know that my time will come someday, and I'm preparing for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 One of the greatest changes I've made to my mentally was to stop comparing myself to others. I used to see all the people on FB who were in love or more successful or had more than me and it would make me feel terrible and inadequate. As I'm building my life back up, I've learned that my self-worth is defined by who I am and not what I have. That mindset has made all the difference in the world to me. I know that my time will come someday, and I'm preparing for it. Great to hear you are so positive. One thing I am not very good at is hearing compliments. I have been told so many positive things about juggling work/childcare with my writing (just completed a novel) and I am just about to change jobs as I wasn't happy. I kept getting turned down for interviews but was determined to find another position and was eventually successful. People marvel at my resilience but I shrug it off. So let's listen out for the good things we are told in the midst of our self discovery. Those people don't lie! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Great to hear you are so positive. One thing I am not very good at is hearing compliments. I have been told so many positive things about juggling work/childcare with my writing (just completed a novel) and I am just about to change jobs as I wasn't happy. I kept getting turned down for interviews but was determined to find another position and was eventually successful. People marvel at my resilience but I shrug it off. So let's listen out for the good things we are told in the midst of our self discovery. Those people don't lie! My problem wasn't learning who I am, it was learning to love who I am. Once I was able to do that and define my self-worth, I became more confident and relaxed overall. Just letting life be as it is and experiencing it along the way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 My problem wasn't learning who I am, it was learning to love who I am. Once I was able to do that and define my self-worth, I became more confident and relaxed overall. Just letting life be as it is and experiencing it along the way. I hear you. I am trying to learn that too. If anyone has any tips on how to do this I would love to hear them. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I shutter to look back at my threads when I first came here. It's like I'm a completely different person now. I was so hurt, angry and bitter. I can't believe how much pain I was in at that time. I've had ups and downs since then but no where near that unhappy. I started being happy at the beginning of last year. I know I would never get back with my ex but it was really hard to detach myself from the feelings I felt for him. That took a while. I was so afraid of losing him completely...not ever talking to him again...but when you realize just how unimportant you are to them the easier it gets to let go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I hear you. I am trying to learn that too. If anyone has any tips on how to do this I would love to hear them. Magnify and express your strengths and drown out your weaknesses. If you focus on your strengths, confidence and peace will follow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oneness Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Thank you for this thread. I am just over 3 months NC with my psychopath exboyfriend, after 7 years. Somedays I think I will never feel better, feel like the person I know...that I am forever changed for the worse. Your affirmation that indifference will come is very much appreciated, as I have some really bad days where I cycle through the stages of grief and wonder what is worse....this pain I am in now or his abuse....You give me hope, thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
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