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Dealing with the fear of being dropped


CT98

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Not sure if this is in the correct forum, so please move if needed mods. Thanks.

 

OK, I'm seeing a new girl, she's lovely, she's just as into me as I am into her, that's plain to see, we get along great etc..

 

The problem is that in my last relationship, I was dumped twice at the drop of a hat, with no explanation. Things would be going OK and my ex would just dump me by text or letter, I'd normally see the signs a day or two before she did it, she would just get cold, I'd ask what was going on, she would ignore my texts/calls, and then the next day I'd be gone.

 

I'm sort of carrying this with me into the new relationship, I know it's totally irrational as not everyone is the same, and it is a brand new relationship, but I still have a fear deep inside me that I can just get dropped at any moment without any warning signs.

 

This is the one legacy that my ex has left, and I hate it.

 

Does anyone have any experience of feeling like this or being in this situation before? Any suggested ways of me dealing with this?

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evanescentworld

How long have you been dating this GF?

 

You should by now know what kind of character/temperament she has, but the best way to avoid past issues is to talk.

 

Talk, talk, talk, face to face.

Don't resort to texts to impart important information.

 

Texts are absolutely perfect for the 'I'm running late/see you tomorrow/what time's dinner?/do you want rice or fries?' kind of things, but for the deep, meaningful 'let's get to know each other' texting is utter crap.

 

Meet. Talk. make eye contact. Smile. Discuss likes and dislikes.

Discuss what's important to you, discuss what you see in her, discuss what makes her feel special, discuss what her needs are.

 

The more you EFFECTIVELY communicate, the less likely that kind of thing will recur.

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The more you EFFECTIVELY communicate, the less likely that kind of thing will recur.

I would have said the same until 1.5 years ago. That actually is what blindsided me. If you have the chance to observe, watch how she deals with stress. That is far more telling than the way she communicates when everything is fine. Communication is very important though.

 

As for your question, I guess you just have to dare to trust again. It is something I wrestle with myself, yet again.

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evanescentworld
I would have said the same until 1.5 years ago. That actually is what blindsided me. If you have the chance to observe, watch how she deals with stress.

Er.... That's POOR communication.

InEffective.

 

It's fundamental to any interaction, with anyone, on any level...

 

That is far more telling than the way she communicates when everything is fine. Communication is very important though.

Yes, communication is not just verbal. In fact, it's the lowest proportion of communication.

Body language and intonation count for a huge amount....

 

As for your question, I guess you just have to dare to trust again. It is something I wrestle with myself, yet again.

A certain level of trust is essential, in all cases.

Trust is then built, confidence is cultivated.

 

But Trust is already there to a degree.

If the OP had debilitatingly severe trust issues, maybe no relationships would ever happen in his life....

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Thanks for the replies, definitely agree that communication is essential.

 

My ex was the most uncommunicative person I've ever been involved with, I guess it's going to take time for me to see that not all girls are like that.

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Er.... That's POOR communication.

InEffective.

evanescentworl, you make some really good points in your post. I disagree with this sentence though. Her communication changed drasticly when she got stressed. Yes in the end it apparently was ineffective, but I do not see how I could have done things differently? She went from sharing to avoiding and doing things differently than what she convincingly had told and promised me before, as she believed it herself (when she broke up she still insisted that what she had told me was true). I have for professional and therapeutic reasons learned more about communication than most people (I dare to say that). But what happened there was a mind**** that I never wish to repeat. If you know how to prevent something like this than please tell me because I share the fear CT98 is talking about.

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evanescentworld

I meant her communication was poor and InEffective.. I'm sorry, I didn't make that clear - she was demonstrably at fault there, not you.

 

My Bad....

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evanescentworld

As for prevention...

It's long, and I'll be honest with you, I sometimes hesitate to elaborate because it sounds as if I'm preaching or proselytising, but honestly, I'm not.

I'm just explaining how it's viewed and tackled with regard to the calling I follow, which is Buddhism.

 

Buddhism is very much both a Philosophy AND a Religion - but in essence, it's only the latter if a person dedicates themselves to sticking to the path.

If you explore Buddhism with open-minded interest and simply take it as a great psychological learning tool, it's pretty amazing in its own right....

 

Up to you if I go on, bearing in mind also, this isn't 'your' thread, so the OP would see his subject maybe veering off-topic, which is ano-no here.

 

I'd really either need to start a new thread to which you can contribute, or await the OP's permission, as it were, to elaborate....

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It isn't my intention to threadjack. I appreciate your answers, thank you. Through the years I have read some books about Buddhism and in some where also connections made with philosophers like Heidegger and Plato on a ontological level (not two voices you at first expect to find together). I do not know as much about Buddhism as you do, but I have an older friend in his fifties who once in a while points me to certain things. I am not religious myself but I think I understand what you are trying to say about what you find in its teachings, and its differences from the other big religions with its Gods.

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evanescentworld

Would it be OK if i PM you? I can continue that way if you want..... whatever suits you, or not as the case may be....

 

It isn't my intention to threadjack. I appreciate your answers, thank you. Through the years I have read some books about Buddhism and in some where also connections made with philosophers like Heidegger and Plato on a ontological level (not two voices you at first expect to find together). I do not know as much about Buddhism as you do, but I have an older friend in his fifties who once in a while points me to certain things. I am not religious myself but I think I understand what you are trying to say about what you find in its teachings, and its differences from the other big religions with its Gods.

 

Heh heh.... small world, isn't it....? I'm in my 50's too.... ;)

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My number one piece of advice for general self-development, is to identify and face up to your basic fears.

 

Face up to them, work on them, and get them out of the way.

 

The sense of liberation that can come from doing this is immense.

 

In the light of that, you might do well with some short-term, single-issue therapy.

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Ofcourse you can pm me evanescentword. I am not sure of I will be able to react before wednesdayevening. I am always happy to learn what motivates and moves other people and hopefully can give me more understanding.

 

I agree Satu. I see therapy as a form of indispensable coaching.

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Hey EvanescentWorld/It'sPointless...no need to worry about thread jacking.

 

Buddism is something I've looked into with mild curiosity & I'd love to hear more from you.

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My number one piece of advice for general self-development, is to identify and face up to your basic fears.

 

Face up to them, work on them, and get them out of the way.

 

The sense of liberation that can come from doing this is immense.

 

In the light of that, you might do well with some short-term, single-issue therapy.

 

Some sort of therapy/counselling is something I've thought about actually.

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