bigtrouble Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 A month after BU and been on NC for 16days, it was my Ex b-day 2days ago. I did not contact her, not even a b-day text. Then I went online on FB and her Sister message me. Told me that, their mother wants us back together. Ever since she dumped me, her life started to go south. but She thinks she's happy and would do anything for her new love. She is ready to run away with her Lesbian Lover. So blinded by the happiness she feels. Her family is worried, she asks money from her mother. Can't buy herself stuff she needs on a daily basis. Heck, she would take bread to work apparently she can't afford to buy food, and she has a job that can sustain her well. She is being used and abused. So pathetic. But she is into this new lover and she is love drunk. When I found out about this I got worried. I was coping slowly, now I have panic attacks again. I haven't moved on yet and the news is setting me back. Back to square one... Panic attacks... Sleepless nights... unable to focus on life... I'm so freaking worried about her... I still love her... I want her back, I can take care of her, but she does not want me... I maintain NC on her and so does she, but her Family wants to stay in touch with me, because I am a good boyfriend. I would appreciate any advice... Thank you... Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I maintain NC on her and so does she, but her Family wants to stay in touch with me, because I am a good boyfriend. I would appreciate any advice... Thank you... What you are doing is not NC. NC means: No direct contact. No indirect contact via third parties. No social media. No 'little birds' feeding you news. Do NC properly, and you will make progress. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigtrouble Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 What you are doing is not NC. NC means: No direct contact. No indirect contact via third parties. No social media. No 'little birds' feeding you news. Do NC properly, and you will make progress. Thank you for your kind advice... I hope I am strong enough, I can't ignore her family who is desperately reaching out for me. It would be a sign of disrespect. Maybe best I can do is not to keep going on FB but they know my number and I can't block them, for the above reason. I have to stay strong, thank you so much for your comment. I will do my best on NC... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Your worries about your ex are understandable. But... Sorry for saying this, I think you are missing the bigger picture here. Since she choose to not be with you, she cannot, never again, be your highest priority. Although I know this can be pretty hard for you to see fit. Your biggest priority now is yourself and so, besides your respect for her family, you should cut them off too. Your life is also hard right now and they can understand that, maybe you can tell them this and they will probably understand that. Good luck and keep strong! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigtrouble Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) Your worries about your ex are understandable. But... Sorry for saying this, I think you are missing the bigger picture here. Since she choose to not be with you, she cannot, never again, be your highest priority. Although I know this can be pretty hard for you to see fit. Your biggest priority now is yourself and so, besides your respect for her family, you should cut them off too. Your life is also hard right now and they can understand that, maybe you can tell them this and they will probably understand that. Good luck and keep strong! Yes, you are right, thank you for your kind words. I need to get my act together. Need to put more effort into it. I got a new job and things are looking good for me... And this happened, have to focus on myself and my job... I know what I must do... But I'm so weak right now... I'm a Man and I am crying right now... Edited January 25, 2015 by bigtrouble 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I can very much relate with your state. Man, womens, animals and so on do cry... Just remember "a heart that hurts, is a heart that works". Let it all out literally! Get on the ground, roll there and everything else... Withstands it all, but in the end find your strength, stand up, clean yourself embrace it and keep strong by you. Being a man or not, isn't in the act of crying, it's in what you do after. You still attached, more king in the between I would say. You have a nice job and good future perspectives. You pretty much have the world that a lot of people would dye for, so grab it and don't loose it for NOTHING. I can also relate with this to some degree, I can have my world in my hands, right now, as soon as I grab it, but I still didn't because I still attached to my previous life and love. I'm procrastinating... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I can't ignore her family who is desperately reaching out for me. It would be a sign of disrespect. If you ignore the family, it would be a sign that you are maintaining healthy boundaries. To stay in contact with the family will cause you more pain and prolong your suffering. In this case, it would be wise to put your need to heal above her family's want to talk with you. When push comes to shove, they will drop you like a hot potato and circle the wagon back around to support her. You don't need to block the family with no warning, but you could tell them you need to drop off the radar for now because it's too emotional. They will surely understand. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 now I have panic attacks again. I haven't moved on yet and the news is setting me back. Back to square one... Panic attacks... Sleepless nights... unable to focus on life... I'm so freaking worried about her... I still love her... I want her back, I can take care of her, but she does not want me... I maintain NC on her and so does she, but her Family wants to stay in touch with me, because I am a good boyfriend. I would appreciate any advice... Thank you... I think you are trying to make yourself 'indispensable' by projecting hope onto your ex's family. By believing yourself to be her hope of salvation, you are defending yourself from a truth you can't accept, namely the fact that your relationship is over, and she doesn't want to be with you. I think you are also projecting your own: "Back to square one... Panic attacks... Sleepless nights... unable to focus on life..." onto her, because you feel out of control, and don't know what to do to get yourself back to feeling in control of your own existence. You can accept or refute my comments, as you wish, but thats what I see. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigtrouble Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 I think you are trying to make yourself 'indispensable' by projecting hope onto your ex's family. By believing yourself to be her hope of salvation, you are defending yourself from a truth you can't accept, namely the fact that your relationship is over, and she doesn't want to be with you. I think you are also projecting your own: "Back to square one... Panic attacks... Sleepless nights... unable to focus on life..." onto her, because you feel out of control, and don't know what to do to get yourself back to feeling in control of your own existence. You can accept or refute my comments, as you wish, but thats what I see. I understand... thank you... This gives me a renewed strength... If you ignore the family, it would be a sign that you are maintaining healthy boundaries. To stay in contact with the family will cause you more pain and prolong your suffering. In this case, it would be wise to put your need to heal above her family's want to talk with you. When push comes to shove, they will drop you like a hot potato and circle the wagon back around to support her. You don't need to block the family with no warning, but you could tell them you need to drop off the radar for now because it's too emotional. They will surely understand. This is also so true, I have to look out for myself, thank you so much... Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Brother, I understand different circumstances makes NC difficult but you have to remember the main goal is for YOU to heal. I can't say that I truly see the picture of your dilemma with your ex's family because in my case, I just cut them cold. I understand though that it's hard to be cold towards people you considered as family, especially if you were raised to be polite and courteous. In my opinion, just to be polite, you can tell them that you need to be alone and not to be bothered by any news about your ex, since you are prioritizing your own well being. And For that to happen, you need to cut all contact with them. They may or may not understand, but that is a moot point, since the important thing now is to think about yourself. This is the time to be selfish and eliminate all things that causes you're heart to stay broken and in limbo. Stay strong brother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigtrouble Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Brother, I understand different circumstances makes NC difficult but you have to remember the main goal is for YOU to heal. I can't say that I truly see the picture of your dilemma with your ex's family because in my case, I just cut them cold. I understand though that it's hard to be cold towards people you considered as family, especially if you were raised to be polite and courteous. In my opinion, just to be polite, you can tell them that you need to be alone and not to be bothered by any news about your ex, since you are prioritizing your own well being. And For that to happen, you need to cut all contact with them. They may or may not understand, but that is a moot point, since the important thing now is to think about yourself. This is the time to be selfish and eliminate all things that causes you're heart to stay broken and in limbo. Stay strong brother. Thank you for your warm words, Yes, I will, I need to let go of all ties... I see now how important is NC and its for us to heal... Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Ever since she dumped me, her life started to go south.but She thinks she's happy and would do anything for her new love. [...] I want her back, I can take care of her, but she does not want me... Your story hits home. I was dumped by someone who just had gotten ill. She knew there were some serious operations coming. She wanted to do it alone, not family, friends or me around. She told me that was how she always handled problems. You are just as helpless in your situation as I was and still am. It is understandable that her family is worried but what can you do? It is are her choices. But it is so hard as you are worried sick. Remember she does not want you to take care of her and she probably will hate you for interfering if you try. The only thing that you can tell her family is that you love her but really have no power in this situation. Take care of you, apparently her family has not thought about your mental health here. Good luck man, feeling better takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigtrouble Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Your story hits home. I was dumped by someone who just had gotten ill. She knew there were some serious operations coming. She wanted to do it alone, not family, friends or me around. She told me that was how she always handled problems. You are just as helpless in your situation as I was and still am. It is understandable that her family is worried but what can you do? It is are her choices. But it is so hard as you are worried sick. Remember she does not want you to take care of her and she probably will hate you for interfering if you try. The only thing that you can tell her family is that you love her but really have no power in this situation. Take care of you, apparently her family has not thought about your mental health here. Good luck man, feeling better takes time. Thank you, this is so true, I know better now... I will do my best, I'm glad I found LS, there is just so much support in here... I would be lost without you guys... Thank you everyone... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts