Male effects of heartbreaks ?

[hawx79]

If a man gets heart broken over and over, how does this change the man? How does it effect his way to be able to love again?

[Itspointless]

If a man gets heart broken over and over, how does this change the man? How does it effect his way to be able to love again?

It depends a bit on your history, i.e. how you could trust your parents when you were really young. Some people (also woman) turn cold and become avoidant which isn't a good strategy, some people take revenge by playing games with others and using them. Do not do that, we cannot let other people pay for what happened to us. Stay in touch with your feelings and grief.

[batt]

I've been used by girls. I've had girls lie to me and my family. This recent one blindsided me with mind games. Sure, I am a bit bitter, but I will not let these girls change how I treat women. I will take things I have learned to make me a better person.

Edited January 21, 2015 by batt

[FixItCris]

I have always been told I was a "Nice Guy"

Got dumped by every girlfriend when I was young.

Got left by my wife.

Got left by last my girlfriend.

Always similar circumstances, "it's not you, it's me" then left for another guy etc.

 

My theory is this. There are a lot of nice guys out there, and there are a lot of girls who need nice guys in their lives, but not permanently. Normally they end up running off with a Bad boy/*******.

The thing is, all those nice guys that get continuously used and dumped for the *******s, end up turning into *******s themselves. I know, I did it just recently. My ex wife wanted me back, so i led her on for a bit and then told her I wasn't interested.

 

When all the nice guys are broken, and all the *******s turn out to be nothing but *******s, who's left to pick up the pieces?

 

That being said, I don't have it in me to be an ******* forever. Sometimes I wish I did. Instead, every time I fall, I pick myself up, figure out what I did wrong and change it.

[lawbstar]

Everyone experiences, handles, and learns from heartbreak differently. However, there is one saying that I think can be applied to everyone. The biggest mistake you can make is to not learn from your mistakes.

 

With that being said, life is a constant learning process. Time will never stop for you. Thus, no matter what happens in life, you should always keep going forward with a positive mind and attitude. Whether or not you are in love with someone else, you should always love yourself and take the time to take care of yourself.

[EveAFlame]

I think repeated heartbreak can make a person jaded and cynical. They have a hard time trusting, they read sinister motives in everything, and they tend to assume every single person of a gender will behave badly.

 

We've all had cruddy people come in and out of our lives. I think being guarded is good but angry or bitter is not.

[bigtrouble]

If a man gets heart broken over and over, how does this change the man? How does it effect his way to be able to love again?

 

No matter how broken a Man is after BU, but he looks back and felt loved by the woman. He will come out on top and we still be able to trust and love other Women except her Ex.

 

But if the relationship is bad and he comes out of it, did not feel loved, felt used, this will take a toll on him. He will have trust issues and fear of being left broken.

 

Its not the frequency rather its weighed on the whole experience of the relationship.

 

This is just me, happened to me... I went through two painful BU.

Edited January 21, 2015 by bigtrouble

[sober and dry]

No matter how broken a Man is after BU, but he looks back and felt loved by the woman. He will come out on top and we still be able to trust and love other Women except her Ex.

 

But if the relationship is bad and he comes out of it, did not feel loved, felt used, this will take a toll on him. He will have trust issues and fear of being left broken.

 

Its not the frequency rather its weighed on the whole experience of the relationship.

 

This is just me, happened to me... I went through two painful BU.

I totally agree with bigtrouble.

[Itspointless]

But if the relationship is bad and he comes out of it, did not feel loved, felt used, this will take a toll on him. He will have trust issues and fear of being left broken.

 

Its not the frequency rather its weighed on the whole experience of the relationship.

 

This is just me, happened to me... I went through two painful BU.

I totally agree with bigtrouble.

Sure, but there are only two things we can do here. suppress it or try to learn from it. The first one actually isn't really a choice as it bites you in the ass eventually.

[sober and dry]

Sure that a wounded animal will remember and feel it no matter what, the real question here is, how long?

[Itspointless]

Sure that a wounded animal will remember and feel it no matter what, the real question here is, how long?

Well your metaphor contains the answer, we have to heal. But if your memory is good you will always remember, I do. The feelings can be triggered just as with an old scar. It reminds me of a dog I knew who had been hit when young. He turned from a very frightened dog in one that very much liked to cuddle, but sometimes he got really afraid for short moments, if he was touched at places he couldn't see (control). Therefore it is so important to learn about ourselfs so that we can try to act not only on impulses or react to old devils. Doing that that we protect ourselves from avoidance and others from our past hurts. If we can not be vulnerable at all we shouldn't be in a relation. We owe it to another to not run away at the first signs of stress. But that can be quit hard.

[sober and dry]

Yes you are right Itspointless and I agree.

 

If a person has loved other and it ended, no matter how, it will leave a scar. The size of it will depend on how great was the bond/feeling and how it ended. But the point is, apart from it's size, it will always be there and it will at least itch every time it's "touched".

 

At least that's how I see it.

[Itspointless]

Yes you are right Itspointless and I agree.

 

If a person has loved other and it ended, no matter how, it will leave a scar. The size of it will depend on how great was the bond/feeling and how it ended. But the point is, apart from it's size, it will always be there and it will at least itch every time it's "touched".

 

At least that's how I see it.

It unfortunately works that way for me.

[siochana]

No matter how broken a Man is after BU, but he looks back and felt loved by the woman. He will come out on top and we still be able to trust and love other Women except her Ex.

 

But if the relationship is bad and he comes out of it, did not feel loved, felt used, this will take a toll on him. He will have trust issues and fear of being left broken.

 

Its not the frequency rather its weighed on the whole experience of the relationship.

 

This is just me, happened to me... I went through two painful BU.

 

Aint that the truth.

 

I reckon coming to terms with the fact that someone left you is much easier if it really was just a case of her not loving you anymore.

 

If she treated you badly, abused you, disrespected you and you stayed for love and she still left....well, that will take a great deal of time.

 

The anger will be white hot. At her and at yourself.

[CT98]

My last ex has affected me pretty badly. She's done the same thing twice.

 

Things would be ticking along nicely, no major arguments, no cheating etc and I would get dumped out of nowhere, with the sings only being shown a day or two before D Day. The first was by text message! The second by a pathetic note on a piece of A2 (or is it A5? I don't know, the smaller of the two) notebook paper haha.

 

This has left me very cautious when it comes to new girls, I'm constantly worrying when they'll suddenly lose interest in me. I was never like this before meeting my ex, I was so confident with girls. It pis*es me off that I still have this lingering feeling thanks to her, I'm over my relationship with her, but I fear this feeling that I could be dropped within a moment's notice may linger for a while. I hate that she still has that effect over me, and it's the only fall out left from the failed reltionship.

 

On the flip side though, I've learnt a lot about myself through break ups, and I've learnt how strong and independant I am.

Edited January 22, 2015 by CT98

[carhill]

Between heartbreak and death, I've come to see life more as a collection of moments. If someone is around and loving or loved one moment and not the next, that's OK.

 

I think the kid who towed my truck home yesterday had things figured out pretty well. He was talking about finalizing his divorce after a couple years of separation and working out child custody so he and his girlfriend could move to Idaho. If he was 30 he was old. I watched a lot of that stuff go on around me when I was his age and couldn't understand the transitory nature of things. It didn't make sense. It makes better sense now.

 

Having lived some of the questions posed in the OP, and seeing them from the other end of life, my best answer is 'meh'. I don't hate women but, then again, I don't love them either. Indifference would be a better word. I saw some of that yesterday with the lady who hit my truck. I wasn't mad at her, at all, but I really didn't care whether she lived or died, any more or less than I'd care for a man or a dog or a goat. She was unremarkable, relevant to gender. In the past, I would have had all this male 'concern' for the fairer gender. Now, zippo. That's how life goes.

[Itspointless]

The second by a pathetic note on a piece of A2 (or is it A5? I don't know, the smaller of the two) notebook paper haha.

Lol, A2 is 4 times A4

This has left me very cautious when it comes to new girls, I'm constantly worrying when they'll suddenly lose interest in me. I was never like this before meeting my ex

It always takes a time before I really can believe everything. I guess that will never change with me, there has happened to much in my life for that. It is important to know this from yourself, it makes us careful (at least me) not to hurt others. Now if others would do that too. I have learned that love has its price, life needs to balance itself: read Kahlil Gibran on love. It is the most accurate wonderful account I have ever read: its just a few pages.

[mefisto]

Aint that the truth.

If she treated you badly, abused you, disrespected you and you stayed for love and she still left....well, that will take a great deal of time.

This is exactly my case. How much time do i need?

[Itspointless]

This is exactly my case. How much time do i need?

That depends on your attachment style, your character, the way you are used to deal with setbacks, your memory and many other things. People can't answer that question for you as we all have different backgrounds, different genes, etc.

[Itspointless]

I do not know the ages of you guys and how long ago it has been with your ex, but I wonder. In relationships I am a bit anxious attached. With me that only comes forward with certain stressors like proactive distancing. When single I never have actively searched for a partner. I have the feeling this is partly a result of the things we discuss in this thread. Unconsciously I can see that in this situation I am a bit avoidant myself even when woman show interest. On the other it always takes ages with me to process the past and I do not want to hurt others. Also because the ex still crosses my mind (she turned out dismissive-avoidant and pushed me away when it became to real for her when she encountered some stress herself). I am curious if you guys recognize this with yourselfs?

Edited January 23, 2015 by Itspointless

[mefisto]

That depends on your attachment style, your character, the way you are used to deal with setbacks, your memory and many other things. People can't answer that question for you as we all have different backgrounds, different genes, etc.

I think i have the worst version of each of these things. Strong obsessive attachment style, weak character, i dealt with setbacks in the worst way possible, my memory is incredible great when it comes to remember traumatic moments.

 

I do not know the ages of you guys and how long ago it has been with your ex, but I wonder. In relationships I am a bit anxious attached. With me that only comes forward with certain stressors like proactive distancing. When single I never have actively searched for a partner. I have the feeling this is partly a result of the things we discuss in this thread. Unconsciously I can see that in this situation I am a bit avoidant myself even when woman show interest. On the other it always takes ages with me to process the past and I do not want to hurt others. Also because the ex still crosses my mind (she turned out dismissive-avoidant and pushed me away when it became to real for her when she encountered some stress herself). I am curious if you guys recognize this with yourselfs?

Well, its hard to answer for me on this, maybe other guys will. You wrote that you never actively searched for anything and women show you interest themselves, even while you being avoidant and distant. I dont know how attractive you should be for this. I struggled so hard to get a rebound and failed every time. I think you have it quite easy, no matter how anxiously attached you were with every woman, you can always find another without any complications. If i would be you, i would just stop caring and suffering.

[Itspointless]

I think i have the worst version of each of these things. Strong obsessive attachment style, weak character, i dealt with setbacks in the worst way possible, my memory is incredible great when it comes to remember traumatic moments.

I have a good memory too. I doubt that your description about yourself is accurate though. It seems that you mainly see points of yourself that you interpret as negative, thats a shame.

Well, its hard to answer for me on this, maybe other guys will. You wrote that you never actively searched for anything and women show you interest themselves, even while you being avoidant and distant. I dont know how attractive you should be for this. I struggled so hard to get a rebound and failed every time. I think you have it quite easy, no matter how anxiously attached you were with every woman, you can always find another without any complications. If i would be you, i would just stop caring and suffering.

I guess if that picture of being superman was true I wouldn't be talking here. Also women making a move are very very rare. The difference is that the prospect of having a rebound does not attract me at all. Just as I know men and women who place much importance on having sex. I like sex, but the thought of having a one night stand does not attract me at all. I need to feel something special for a person.

Edited January 24, 2015 by Itspointless

[PaperCrane]

Well, for me it has led to not being able to open up to anything really. I still get the happy feelings if I start to like someone and enjoy their company but as soon as I notice them smiling back at me as I smile at them, well, I just shut down. I'll start to feel that rise of emotion in my chest and it gets immediately suffocated by this deep pang of pressure. Each time it just reminds me of all of my past girlfriends and potential girlfriends. Being used, led on, cheated on, all out of the blue. All of the lies and excuses. I wonder to myself "Does that pretty smile just hide another six months of pain and rebuilding of my heart?".

 

Currently I'm in this place of really wanting to be with someone, sharing memories, laughs, and knowing someone. At the same time though, I just know it isn't worth it. Maybe one day again, but honestly I'd rather just find a way to shut off the desire switch entirely. I think I'd be better off for it.

[John83]

I suppose each one is different.

I remember after first ever break up being bitter for a period of years, had good but rather old fashioned and cold parents and the first feeling of "love" was overwhelming, so much to the point I thought the world was ended when it was taken away.

 

For years I remained closed off and tried to be as unemotional as possible, when I met my recent ex and mother to my kids I tried everything to resist but was gradually worn down, at first it was magical but soon changed once she had me where she wanted. The 8 years we shared had drastic highs and lows but she always wanted me to never ever feel good about myself and made sure she enforced this. At the minute it's still raw and I feel I can't move on as that would be giving up on my kids ever having a real family and I never want to share the time and love I have for my kids with anyone else.