Ex texted me asking how I am

[lawbstar]

I got the text earlier today. It is now about 3 months post BU. about 1 month NC. She broke up with me. After the break up, I have usually been the one to contact her until she totally ignored my last text to her. Went full NC since then. There might be someone else in her life. I think she needed more attention than how much I could give her. I feel like she does not deserve a reply or my time because she just ignored me the last time I reached out.

 

I deleted the text without replying to it. However, I know that I am not completely over her yet. I feel like I just need reassurance to know that I did the right thing. For all I know, she's just bored and decided to hit me up.

 

Thoughts?

[FixItCris]

If you're not sure you're over her, then you definitely did the right thing.

Even if you are over her, you still did the right thing.

The point is, you're broken up. If she really cared, she'd still be with you.

Just ignore it and keep going NC.

[blackcat777]

Definitely the right thing to do. She gave up everything with you when she dumped you, and that includes a free pass for chit chat.

 

More silence and space will work wonders.

 

High five to having the resolve to delete the text.

 

I would recommend blocking her number so wondering what she wanted, whether or not she'll text again, why she isn't texting... or any other mental chatter... will be effectively eliminated and you can then turn more of your own awesome energy on yourself.

[bigtrouble]

I got the text earlier today. It is now about 3 months post BU. about 1 month NC. She broke up with me. After the break up, I have usually been the one to contact her until she totally ignored my last text to her. Went full NC since then. There might be someone else in her life. I think she needed more attention than how much I could give her. I feel like she does not deserve a reply or my time because she just ignored me the last time I reached out.

 

I deleted the text without replying to it. However, I know that I am not completely over her yet. I feel like I just need reassurance to know that I did the right thing. For all I know, she's just bored and decided to hit me up.

 

Thoughts?

 

Your curiosity will get the best of you, just ignore her, it was just a plain text.

[lawbstar]

Thank you for the suggestion, blackcat777 .

 

As stupid as this may sound, I don't think I am ready to block her number. I have deleted her number to prevent me from calling/texting her. However, that has not worked all that well since I still remember her number -_-. Moreover, I know that I am not completely over her yet, so I still have the tiniest hope of reconciliation, and I feel like I might want to be friends with her in the future.

 

With that being said, I am sure that I will be able to continue doing NC. It has been hard keeping that up for a month. I never thought that I would be able to do that, but here I am! I will keep going with trying to get her out of my head, letting her go, and accepting that she may never come back, apologize, and say that she wants to work on things. Maybe with some more NC, I will be able to block her if needed.

[blackcat777]

I felt sick and debated for days whether or not to block my boyfriend's number. I felt sick for a couple of days after I did it... and then I felt SO MUCH BETTER. I couldn't hear the silence of being ignored because I blocked it out. It was the best thing I did for myself.

 

When he did finally call, the service provider gave an automated message telling him he was blocked... which triggered a flurry of emails (that I also ignored), and finally a visit to the front door.

 

Blocking is win-win, first and foremost because it sets you free; and secondly, IF you really want to reconcile after you've made significant healing, it draws out your boundaries loud and clear to the ex. Sticking fast to boundaries that promote your wellness FIRST, always, in every situation, is what makes people respect you, because you respect yourself.

 

She dumped you? Trust me, when you are NC for long enough, you will realize that you do not deserve a stupid phone call. You deserve soooo much more than that. I blocked my boyfriend everywhere, not because I was opposed to reconciliation (the entire time, I wanted him back, with my whole heart and soul), but because I didn't want to make myself available to be tortured with breadcrumbs.

 

If someone can forget you, it wasn't meant to be. If they forget you because you didn't answer a faceless text, you definitely deserve much better. If you're unforgettable to a person, then blocking won't stop them from reaching out (it might even motivate them to be genuine in an important way). Don't be shy to set a high price on yourself (ALWAYS), because your heart is priceless.

 

In the meantime, know you are unforgettable, and move forward, ready to find someone who can appreciate you like you deserve.

 

No text, no phone call, can possibly make a broken heart right. It hurts, but you're doing yourself a huge favor by acknowledging that. Anything less than authentic face-to-face communication opens a huge window for doubt, and no good will come of inviting that to your mind. Even a face-to-face comes with a lot of doubt after the shattering of trust, but it's leagues above a call or a text.

 

Also, before my boyfriend reached out, after I blocked him, though I was still hurting, I began to feel seriously empowered because I stuck to a decision to look out for myself and not take anyone's crap. That feeling snowballed and it was really what helped in making me feel like myself again... feeling my own strength. Realizing that strength over time is the one positive thing you can take with you after a breakup. It sounds like the most rotten consolation at the time, but in due time, you'll realize you have that awesome, indestructible strength inside you always.

[Marco Valerio]

If you feel you are not over her do not answer her message. She might be trying to reach you with a selfish purpose. Maybe she needs comfort or she's having bad dating experiences, you never know.

If it's clear for you she's not the person you want to live your life with, then you should see it this way:

It's like searching for a treasure, you're digging an empty hole you've already digged before. There's no much sense on doing it, has it?

[Frank13]

The ignoring you the last time is the telling part.

 

Sounds like there was someone else in her life and he dumped her or it didn't work out. Now she is looking for attention.

 

Stay NC.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi black777

 

what happened when your ex came to the door.

 

i have to find out if my provider blocks.

[lawbstar]

Your last post really moved me, blackcat777. Thank you for that.

 

I didn't answer her first text, but then she ended up texting me again earlier today asking if I was free tonight. I wasn't free because I had class until 9, but I ended up telling her that and asked why. She said that she was wondering if I wanted to get wings with her. We used to do that quite often.

 

I don't understand why she would reach out to me out of the blue like that when we haven't talked in over a month, and she hasn't reached out for longer. Now that I think about it though, this isn't the first time she has done that. She has reached out to me about once a month asking if I wanted to do something with her. I think to her, she might just want to hang out.

 

I know that I don't want to hang out with her though. I tried to make sure I had no expectations for when I asked her why she asked if I was free. I think I did pretty well. I don't really feel thrown off or anything. Nonetheless, I think the best thing for me to do is to resume NC.

 

Part of me can't help but wish that she would come to my front door and fight for me like she did once when we didn't talk for a few days after a fight. However, I know that that may never happen.

[whichwayisup]

She is fishing...

 

Don't feel guilty, bad and don't feel pressured by her. She broke up with you 3 months ago and NC has been in place for a solid month now. You owe her nothing!

[SoThatHappened]

She is fishing...

... and keeping you on the back-burner as Option B.

 

Been there man. Don't let her do that to you.

 

Become a ghost and forget her. Best thing you could do.

[lawbstar]

I want to thank everyone for their input, advice, and support so far. A lot of the times, I feel like what I want is not rational, so listening to other people's perspectives always helps to clear things up.

 

I finally did block her number today. I do believe that I deserve more than just a freaking text or phone call after she broke up with me. A part of me wants to at least be friends with her in the future, so blocking her scared me because I thought that blocking her might destroy that chance. However, after thinking about it some more. I don't think being her friend would be a good idea. I don't want to possibly listen to her talking about being with other guys or any of her other crap. Part of me still hopes that she will somehow come back and want to reconcile, but I also think that I've almost fully accepted that she may never come back too, and that if she were to come back, she'd have to really try to get me back. I won't go back to her from a stupid text or phone call, so I should just block those out to focus more on my healing.

[Lion Heart]

Keep posting your progress man. Your progress is apparent in your few entries here. Its awesome that you came to LS asked for help, got advice then followed your mind with the advice and knowledge fused in your mind.

 

I admire your strengths. You're awesome.

My WH phoned me while I was writing this message! Grrrr. Yeah about the kids. Assuming I would just give up my only day off without them to be there & take over.

My D Day was 5 weeks 3 days ago.

 

These "types" just don't know what they're asking. They're selfish & tedious because it's always all about them!

 

Don't end up with a selfish, one-sided relationship, married with kids!

 

I've made sure to even make my friendships fair ones. But stuffed up my choices of partners & husbands for years!

 

Don't be me.

Do the work now.

Uncover your awesome self more and more.

Then be him.

 

best wishes

 

Lion Heart.

[Cedar27]

I got the text earlier today. It is now about 3 months post BU. about 1 month NC. She broke up with me. After the break up, I have usually been the one to contact her until she totally ignored my last text to her. Went full NC since then. There might be someone else in her life. I think she needed more attention than how much I could give her. I feel like she does not deserve a reply or my time because she just ignored me the last time I reached out.

 

I deleted the text without replying to it. However, I know that I am not completely over her yet. I feel like I just need reassurance to know that I did the right thing. For all I know, she's just bored and decided to hit me up.

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't know the whole story about your breakup, but how some here at LS are so quick to just say "keep going NC" when you may want a second chance is beyond me. As if they just assume your relationship is like all the rest (or theirs), or that because she broke up with you she and you aren't deserving of a second chance. When the fact is each one is unique and so are the break ups. My brother and his wife broke up for 6 months in college. They dated other people. They are now happily married and have been for 30 years. If they listened to people on this site, both would have flat out ignored each other and lost a true love.

 

Again, I don't know your whole story but I also can't just give someone I don't know absolutist advice because to me I could be breaking up what could be a fulfilling life long relationship. I believe so many on here are so jaded from their own personal experiences they lump each and every relationship question into the same basket and hash out the same advice (she's fishing, she doesn't want you, you are just her plan b, never speak to her again). Honestly I couldn't live with myself giving people all or none advice like that. I get the whole point of NC to heal yourself and build your life back up without that person. But you said you still have feelings for her and you don't even know what the text is about. Perhaps its the beginning of her coming back to you. Again, I don't know the whole story. That's the problem with sites like these. People give bits and pieces of info and then others chime in with game plans as if they know what's best for you.

 

Ask yourself, do you want to get back with her? Some of your posts sound like you do. If she was willing to give it another shot and give her all would you want to get back with her? If the answer is yes, you made a giant mistake blocking her number. At least see what the hell she has to say if you wan't her back. Could you live with yourself if you didn't?

 

I would say talk about positive things for a while, show her how much you have grown and learned, how much you are enjoying life. Towards the end you can say straight up, "It was nice catching up, but unfortunately I really can't be your friend. It just brings up too much hurt in me. If you aren't ready to give it another shot and give me your all, we shouldn't talk and I will be moving on with me life.". Leave it at that bro. Then let go. It sounds like you haven't even given her a chance, but then again I could be wrong….that's why forums like this are so dangerous. None of us know exactly what happened or whats going through your ex's mind, yet many give bold advice as if they are all knowing of every situation, personality, and have psychic abilities to read minds and see the future.

Edited January 22, 2015 by Cedar27

[bigtrouble]

I don't know the whole story about your breakup, but how some here at LS are so quick to just say "keep going NC" when you may want a second chance is beyond me. As if they just assume your relationship is like all the rest (or theirs), or that because she broke up with you she and you aren't deserving of a second chance. When the fact is each one is unique and so are the break ups. My brother and his wife broke up for 6 months in college. They dated other people. They are now happily married and have been for 30 years. If they listened to people on this site, both would have flat out ignored each other and lost a true love.

 

Again, I don't know your whole story but I also can't just give someone I don't know absolutist advice because to me I could be breaking up what could be a fulfilling life long relationship. I believe so many on here are so jaded from their own personal experiences they lump each and every relationship question into the same basket and hash out the same advice (she's fishing, she doesn't want you, you are just her plan b, never speak to her again). Honestly I couldn't live with myself giving people all or none advice like that. I get the whole point of NC to heal yourself and build your life back up without that person. But you said you still have feelings for her and you don't even know what the text is about. Perhaps its the beginning of her coming back to you. Again, I don't know the whole story. That's the problem with sites like these. People give bits and pieces of info and then others chime in with game plans as if they know what's best for you.

 

Ask yourself, do you want to get back with her? Some of your posts sound like you do. If she was willing to give it another shot and give her all would you want to get back with her? If the answer is yes, you made a giant mistake blocking her number. At least see what the hell she has to say if you wan't her back. Could you live with yourself if you didn't?

 

I would say talk about positive things for a while, show her how much you have grown and learned, how much you are enjoying life. Towards the end you can say straight up, "It was nice catching up, but unfortunately I really can't be your friend. It just brings up too much hurt in me. If you aren't ready to give it another shot and give me your all, we shouldn't talk and I will be moving on with me life.". Leave it at that bro. Then let go. It sounds like you haven't even given her a chance, but then again I could be wrong….that's why forums like this are so dangerous. None of us know exactly what happened or whats going through your ex's mind, yet many give bold advice as if they are all knowing of every situation, personality, and have psychic abilities to read minds and see the future.

 

True but Dumpees felt all the pain, he may have forgotten,

but the pain lingers...

Dumpee texted, called, emailed and messaged

got ignored for days, weeks, even months...

 

Now a Dumper who wants to reconcile or just want to say Hi,

give up because he\she got ignored on the first text?

Knowing he/she had hurt the Dumpee's feelings.

It is expected that it will be ignored.

 

What is advised here is that the intentions, must be clear.

It may be a simple text for a Dumper.

but the Dumpee may still feel the pangs of the pain.

Even though so much time passed...

[Cedar27]

True but Dumpees felt all the pain, he may have forgotten,

but the pain lingers...

Dumpee texted, called, emailed and messaged

got ignored for days, weeks, even months...

 

Now a Dumper who wants to reconcile or just want to say Hi,

give up because he\she got ignored on the first text?

Knowing he/she had hurt the Dumpee's feelings.

It is expected that it will be ignored.

 

What is advised here is that the intentions, must be clear.

It may be a simple text for a Dumper.

but the Dumpee may still feel the pangs of the pain.

Even though so much time passed...

 

Right but for all we know she broke it off with him because he wasn't being a good boyfriend. I mean, do any of us know exactly what the hell happened? I have gotten horrible, horrible advice from this site because I go into a thread trying to get to the point without making it 3 pages long. Inevitably things are left out and people give advice based on what I said, or what they want other people to do because they want to live through others.

 

I see your point, but I literally am angry at people who would be willing to tell others to flat out ignore someone, break up with someone, etc. when people's lives are on the line. Vulnerable people listen to this stuff, and it might be the EXACT opposite of what they should be doing for their own situation. I think people in these situations need to consult therapists or if they don't have the money go get a self help book. Forums like these provide some healthy advice occasionally, but by and large its full of bitter, jaded individuals telling others to take extreme action when most of the time all they have to go on is a paragraph of one-sided detail.

 

I don't want this thread to go off track, i've said my peace. With that, i'm out.

Edited January 22, 2015 by Cedar27

[towardthefuture]

Right but for all we know she broke it off with him because he wasn't being a good boyfriend. I mean, do any of us know exactly what the hell happened? I have gotten horrible, horrible advice from this site because I go into a thread trying to get to the point without making it 3 pages long. Inevitably things are left out and people give advice based on what I said, or what they want other people to do because they want to live through others.

 

I see your point, but I literally am angry at people who would be willing to tell others to flat out ignore someone, break up with someone, etc. when people's lives are on the line. Vulnerable people listen to this stuff, and it might be the EXACT opposite of what they should be doing for their own situation. I think people in these situations need to consult therapists or if they don't have the money go get a self help book. Forums like these provide some healthy advice occasionally, but by and large its full of bitter, jaded individuals telling others to take extreme action when most of the time all they have to go on is a paragraph of one-sided detail.

 

I don't want this thread to go off track, i've said my peace. With that, i'm out.

 

I agree with a lot of what you said. This forum is really more 'support group' than 'expert advice'. People should keep that in mind -- who's giving the advice. eNotAlone will give similar advice, but is in general a slightly less bitter community.

 

Folks who post here should keep in mind there's a lot of 'blind leading the blind' going on.

 

Nevertheless, NC is usually important right after a breakup, other people's opinions are often worth taking into consideration, expert or no. Making your own decisions is important. Getting second, third and fourth opinions from different sources is also important (other forums, friends, therapist, etc).

 

I know with my ex, who I really loved, I'd never take actions based purely on what I read on some forum. I would try to take in as much good advice as possible and sort it out.

Edited January 22, 2015 by towardthefuture

[blackcat777]

I also think some people (not saying anyone who posted here... just, in general) react violently to the idea of NC because they are so terrified of being forgotten. I understand, because I had this same fear myself.

 

NC is the path to healing, period.

 

If you want a second chance, there's nothing you can do to force it out of someone, period.

 

Here's my breakdown of why NC is important in so many contexts. With advice, I think it's sooo important to understand the context.

 

Provided you had a healthy relationship, and especially if it was a split due to life changes or growing pains... despite whatever you may feel in your current state of rejection, the cold, hard, FACT is that you added value to a person's life.

 

Disappearing is the fastest way to make the other person realize that; hanging around is the fastest way to drive your own value into the ground.

 

There is a TIME to break NC, but that time is when the dumper apologizes and at the very least hints at wanting to fix things.

 

My boyfriend sent me a few emails about "catching up," doing stuff we liked to used to do, drinking some tea. I ignored, and I'm thrilled I ignored.

 

When he came to my door, I phoned him and didn't open the door until he flat out spilled why he was there.

 

In the end, he respected me so much for it. When he realized his number was blocked, he knew that I wasn't hanging around and waiting for him--I had actively done the opposite to move on with my life. This SHOCKED him, considering one of the final things I said to him was, "This hurts worse than death," and he later gave me huge props for my forward motion. When someone expects you to be hanging around, waiting for them, but you've changed the locks and moved on... that's powerful stuff.

 

It also permanently altered the power balance in our relationship in a positive way, because he knows I walked once, was fine, and I could do that again, so he'd better not mess around. While we were apart, he realized he took me for granted; when he came back and saw how much I had invested in myself during NC and that my life rocked without him... courting me suddenly became a completely serious matter.

 

NC is a one size fits all for healing. If I hadn't healed during NC, the reconciliation would not have worked out, first and foremost. So, everyone needs a PERIOD of NC to heal.

 

*After healing,* and this is key... AFTER. HEALING. After after after!! If you want to reconcile with an ex, there are a few situations where permanent silence is inappropriate. If you were the dumper, permanent NC is a bad idea (my reconciliation worked because my dumper didn't come back until he got what he needed from NC, another important note). If there was severe lying/cheating/abuse, or other dealbreakers wrought from YOUR bad behavior... NC is still nice for you to keep forever, in the sense it lets the person that you hurt heal, but if you really want to reconcile, I don't feel like it's the responsibility of the person who was hurt to initiate that.

 

If you were left in a GIGS-style dumping (I think GIGS is better considered a developmental phase, rather than a syndrome), or you split because of change of location, career, some kind of external circumstance, or someone cracked under major life pressure, or there was a genuine (keyword: genuine) fear of commitment... if being dumped feels like it was a snap decision, a hasty mistake... NC is your best ticket for reconciliation, because you weren't 100% in the wrong, it lets what you did right speak loud and clear. It demonstrates your self-respect above everything else, which is a KEY DRIVER of attraction, and the fastest catalyst for your healing.

 

I understand that it also runs completely counterintuitively to EVERYTHING you feel in your gut, especially when you want someone so bad, and you're so, so afraid of losing them, I know, I've felt it... But I also came out the other side, healed (most importantly), WITH a returning dumper and a better relationship than ever, because NC was both the best, and realistically, the only thing I could have done to save the situation.

 

It's extremely important to understand the context and purpose of NC.

 

Me staying NC for long enough allowed me to get my head clear and allowed me to analyze my boyfriend's actions in a special way. Rather than reacting, and giving into the feeling of, "AAAHHHHHH! I missed him SO much, my stomach is flipping, my heart is racing, he contacted me, I need to do everything I can to get back together! It's all I ever wanted!" <- All of which was COMPLETELY TRUE... I was able to stop and ask, "Is this really good for me? Is this the respect I deserve?"

 

If someone dumps you, they're done cherishing your feelings. To be in a relationship, your feelings need to be respected. It hurts and everyone wants the ex back, but NC helps you heal, because it is a commitment from YOU to cherish your feelings. Who you give your heart to is sacred, and giving your heart to someone who is going to stomp all over it (even blow hot and cold), ultimately isn't self-respecting. You need to stay NC long enough to realize this, everyone does.

 

If the ex comes back and asks, "How can I make it up to you for stomping all over your heart? I will never, ever do it again," there's your ticket and proceed with caution.

 

But if you haven't healed long enough to look out for your own best interests, how can you possibly expect it, or even recognize it, from an ex?

 

Sorry this post was so long. NC is ultimately about self-respect, and self-respect attracts quality mates. Bonus if your ex is inspired by your own self-respect to step up to the plate and become a quality mate. You can't have one before the other.

 

NC doesn't always "work" to get an ex back, because it works on the principle of self-respect, and self-respect filters people out of your life who will never treat you right. It can be bittersweet. It ultimately frees you to accept what's best for you, which is the most important thing.

 

The ultimate first strike defense in a relationship is to always appreciate your lover to begin with. If things fall through, go NC and appreciate yourself.

 

I hope my epic rant helped some people to understand some positive applications of NC. I wish you all peace. I'll never forget the day I laid face down on my bed where my boyfriend used to sleep and cried for seven hours straight. I never thought I'd feel better, but NC and looking out for myself (plus that factor of time, ugh, TIME) made it happen.

[Mi7522]

I also think some people (not saying anyone who posted here... just, in general) react violently to the idea of NC because they are so terrified of being forgotten. I understand, because I had this same fear myself.

 

NC is the path to healing, period.

 

If you want a second chance, there's nothing you can do to force it out of someone, period.

 

Here's my breakdown of why NC is important in so many contexts. With advice, I think it's sooo important to understand the context.

 

Provided you had a healthy relationship, and especially if it was a split due to life changes or growing pains... despite whatever you may feel in your current state of rejection, the cold, hard, FACT is that you added value to a person's life.

 

Disappearing is the fastest way to make the other person realize that; hanging around is the fastest way to drive your own value into the ground.

 

There is a TIME to break NC, but that time is when the dumper apologizes and at the very least hints at wanting to fix things.

 

My boyfriend sent me a few emails about "catching up," doing stuff we liked to used to do, drinking some tea. I ignored, and I'm thrilled I ignored.

 

When he came to my door, I phoned him and didn't open the door until he flat out spilled why he was there.

 

In the end, he respected me so much for it. When he realized his number was blocked, he knew that I wasn't hanging around and waiting for him--I had actively done the opposite to move on with my life. This SHOCKED him, considering one of the final things I said to him was, "This hurts worse than death," and he later gave me huge props for my forward motion. When someone expects you to be hanging around, waiting for them, but you've changed the locks and moved on... that's powerful stuff.

 

It also permanently altered the power balance in our relationship in a positive way, because he knows I walked once, was fine, and I could do that again, so he'd better not mess around. While we were apart, he realized he took me for granted; when he came back and saw how much I had invested in myself during NC and that my life rocked without him... courting me suddenly became a completely serious matter.

 

NC is a one size fits all for healing. If I hadn't healed during NC, the reconciliation would not have worked out, first and foremost. So, everyone needs a PERIOD of NC to heal.

 

*After healing,* and this is key... AFTER. HEALING. After after after!! If you want to reconcile with an ex, there are a few situations where permanent silence is inappropriate. If you were the dumper, permanent NC is a bad idea (my reconciliation worked because my dumper didn't come back until he got what he needed from NC, another important note). If there was severe lying/cheating/abuse, or other dealbreakers wrought from YOUR bad behavior... NC is still nice for you to keep forever, in the sense it lets the person that you hurt heal, but if you really want to reconcile, I don't feel like it's the responsibility of the person who was hurt to initiate that.

 

If you were left in a GIGS-style dumping (I think GIGS is better considered a developmental phase, rather than a syndrome), or you split because of change of location, career, some kind of external circumstance, or someone cracked under major life pressure, or there was a genuine (keyword: genuine) fear of commitment... if being dumped feels like it was a snap decision, a hasty mistake... NC is your best ticket for reconciliation, because you weren't 100% in the wrong, it lets what you did right speak loud and clear. It demonstrates your self-respect above everything else, which is a KEY DRIVER of attraction, and the fastest catalyst for your healing.

 

I understand that it also runs completely counterintuitively to EVERYTHING you feel in your gut, especially when you want someone so bad, and you're so, so afraid of losing them, I know, I've felt it... But I also came out the other side, healed (most importantly), WITH a returning dumper and a better relationship than ever, because NC was both the best, and realistically, the only thing I could have done to save the situation.

 

It's extremely important to understand the context and purpose of NC.

 

Me staying NC for long enough allowed me to get my head clear and allowed me to analyze my boyfriend's actions in a special way. Rather than reacting, and giving into the feeling of, "AAAHHHHHH! I missed him SO much, my stomach is flipping, my heart is racing, he contacted me, I need to do everything I can to get back together! It's all I ever wanted!" <- All of which was COMPLETELY TRUE... I was able to stop and ask, "Is this really good for me? Is this the respect I deserve?"

 

If someone dumps you, they're done cherishing your feelings. To be in a relationship, your feelings need to be respected. It hurts and everyone wants the ex back, but NC helps you heal, because it is a commitment from YOU to cherish your feelings. Who you give your heart to is sacred, and giving your heart to someone who is going to stomp all over it (even blow hot and cold), ultimately isn't self-respecting. You need to stay NC long enough to realize this, everyone does.

 

If the ex comes back and asks, "How can I make it up to you for stomping all over your heart? I will never, ever do it again," there's your ticket and proceed with caution.

 

But if you haven't healed long enough to look out for your own best interests, how can you possibly expect it, or even recognize it, from an ex?

 

Sorry this post was so long. NC is ultimately about self-respect, and self-respect attracts quality mates. Bonus if your ex is inspired by your own self-respect to step up to the plate and become a quality mate. You can't have one before the other.

 

NC doesn't always "work" to get an ex back, because it works on the principle of self-respect, and self-respect filters people out of your life who will never treat you right. It can be bittersweet. It ultimately frees you to accept what's best for you, which is the most important thing.

 

The ultimate first strike defense in a relationship is to always appreciate your lover to begin with. If things fall through, go NC and appreciate yourself.

 

I hope my epic rant helped some people to understand some positive applications of NC. I wish you all peace. I'll never forget the day I laid face down on my bed where my boyfriend used to sleep and cried for seven hours straight. I never thought I'd feel better, but NC and looking out for myself (plus that factor of time, ugh, TIME) made it happen.

 

 

How long were you in NC before he showed up at your door?

[blackcat777]

Four months. After the initial "I can't do this anymore" phone call, we both went NC right away. Neither of us reached out once.

 

He emailed initially after four months (when he realized his number was blocked), emailed again the day after that, and showed up on the third day.

[towardthefuture]

Four months. After the initial "I can't do this anymore" phone call, we both went NC right away. Neither of us reached out once.

 

He emailed initially after four months (when he realized his number was blocked), emailed again the day after that, and showed up on the third day.

 

How did you set it up so he knew his number was blocked? I'd love to block my ex and have her know, but I feel like the blocking software on my android wouldn't inform her it would just auto delete her messages.

[Cedar27]

I agree with a lot of what you said. This forum is really more 'support group' than 'expert advice'. People should keep that in mind -- who's giving the advice. eNotAlone will give similar advice, but is in general a slightly less bitter community.

 

Folks who post here should keep in mind there's a lot of 'blind leading the blind' going on.

 

Nevertheless, NC is usually important right after a breakup, other people's opinions are often worth taking into consideration, expert or no. Making your own decisions is important. Getting second, third and fourth opinions from different sources is also important (other forums, friends, therapist, etc).

 

I know with my ex, who I really loved, I'd never take actions based purely on what I read on some forum. I would try to take in as much good advice as possible and sort it out.

 

Thanks for your response. Although this is a support forum, it acts more like an advice one. Then again, people come here asking other's opinions, so it's natural that it comes off the way.

 

I just hope people who are giving advice realize some people are more impressionable than you. Many will literally do exactly what the majority says to do, especially when they are in a vulnerable position.

 

I also agree NC is important, in many situations and for certain periods of time. A lot of people should just call it a cooling off period, where you can be comfortable without your ex again. Then evaluate the appropriate method of contact, in what context, and decide if it's right for them.

 

You see, a lot of people want to go back to their ex and patch things up, and the person who took advice from this site is so absolute about NC FOREVER they lose an opportunity for a great relationship. This forum is full of black and white, all or none thinking and its dangerous to the majority of us who don't fit neatly into a box.

Edited January 22, 2015 by Cedar27

[IfiKnewThen]

i agree its a crap shoot. there are individual circumstances and people to think about..it's all not the same. some people change...or grow... some dont.

 

i think most on here have good intentions on here on LS, and have been hurt and maybe it looks like they can see the handwriting on the wall and often times could be right to say NC. but we all guess. or try to make educated guesses.

 

but i dont think one size fits all attitude is right either. i always said NC is not for every situation. in the bible it says there is a time and purpose to everything. sometimes nc is good...but then comes a time when contact might be wise. or vise versa. but i do know timing is everything, with most situations and to be yourself is always best. a person either likes the real you or doesnt. you have to heal according to what makes you feel most comfortable. if thats contact..fine...nc...fine.

 

maybe shes just baiting....maybe she wishes she could say i love you, i really dont care if we go for wings..its you i want. you just simply never know. but i know i was the dumper too once and its unrealistic to think all dumpers should bang down your door too. they are afraid to do wrong again too and turn u off. or scare you away. or say too much. i know i felt that way. its best not to think in extremes. like "this is how it should be". its reasonable to think most things would go a certain way but, you would have to look at all side of the way people can feel.

 

i want to say i think its good youre being strong though...whatever you feel comfortable doing. good luck

Edited January 23, 2015 by IfiKnewThen

[lawbstar]

Thank you all again for your input, advice, and support. I can't tell you all how much it means to me that I am not alone in this situation.

 

Also, I would really like to thank you Cedar27 for your input too. I understand that everyone gives advice from their perspective and from their experiences, so it really benefits me to be able to see this situation from other people's perspectives.

 

As much as I liked the idea of blocking my ex so that she would have to come back physically for any type of contact. Some part of blocking her did always feel terrible to me, and I kept blocking and unblocking her until I just kept her as unblocked for now. You can say that I don't have a backbone if you want. I know that I am still not over her. Despite thinking that it could be hard being with her again, I know that I want to be with her. Moreover, in my mind, I have always been working on at least 2 things. I have always kept the possibility of being with my ex in the future, and I have always kept working on myself and made sure that I'd be awesome even if she didn't come back. For a long time now, and even now still, I rely too much on others for what I should do. However, every now and then, I realize what it is that I really want and should do. What I should do is stick with what I have been doing this whole time. I should continue to keep the door open for her because I want to be with her. At the same time, I should also know that we may never be together again, that if that happens, I will find someone else, and that I will still be great. I know that I can do those things. That is what I have been doing so far, and even though there are times when I am down, I will still always keep my chin up and walk towards a better future.

 

With all that being said, I think that I want to see if she still wants to have dinner with me. I will be mostly free this weekend, and I will ask if she wants to have dinner sometime then. I want to see what she has to say. I know that this event may knock me down and hurt, but I know that I can come back from it. I know that if I don't see what she may have to say, I may regret that. I want to live life without regrets.

 

Thank you again Cedar27 for opening my eyes to a new perspective. I know I still love her, and as long as there is something to fight for, I will keep going. However, I also know that there may be a point when there will be nothing left. I want to thank everyone again for helping me through this.