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Demanding Satisfaction


SycamoreCircle

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SycamoreCircle

I'm now 10+ months NC. My live-in girlfriend of a year had an emotional affair with another man, sabotaged our relationship, smeared me to her family and friends, lied to me about the affair(which had by then become physical) and denied the entire thing post BU. She had the other man, 25 years her senior, swing by my apartment while I was at work and help her pack some things in the final days.

 

I loved her very deeply. I have accepted that she is not worth my time or attention. When all of this happened and I discovered it, I exposed the whole thing via e-mail to her friends, her lover, and her mother. To this day, I don't regret that.

 

What I do regret, even though I directly addressed the other guy in my e-mail "you f-ed my girlfriend", is not going to the guy's apartment and demanding satisfaction. Of course, I know the adage of "Living well is the best revenge." But a part of me has always wanted to meet him face to face, tell him what a parasite he is, and just lay one fist right into his f-ing face. He knew she lived with her boyfriend. He knew who I was. He sent suggestive e-mails to my girlfriend. And he knew that she was a young, impressionable woman. He used his position as curator of an art gallery in NYC to hold sway over her.

 

Please tell me why this is a bad idea. Or conversely, if there's one person out there who believes I'd be justified doing this, please convince me.

 

P.S. He posted pics of her on Instagram in his bed right after he banged her the first time.

 

Alternate scenario: I wait for him to exit his apartment one day, follow him until we're in a secluded place and smash a beer bottle across his head. I wear a hood and mask. Hey, this is a very common sort of justice in Jamaica.

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Revenge fantasies can be very therapeutic. I've indulged in such myself in the past.

 

I doubt that doing it in the real world would make you feel better.

 

Don't do it.

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I agree with Satu. Fantasizing about revenge can help, but don't let it get too carried away. Beating him probably won't make feeling of betrayal go away because it was your ex that betrayed you. Don't stoop to that level, but I found once that drawing out what I wanted to do once really helped me.

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There are a few things that I did that helped me:

 

Go somewhere where you can't be heard and scream insults until you can can't think of anything more to shout.

 

Break things and then pick ups the pieces and break them. Keep going until all that's left is tiny fragments. Grind the fragments under your shoe until all thats left is unrecognisable dust.

 

Slashing lots of cardboard boxes up 'psycho style' with a really good knife was a particular favourite :eek:

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todreaminblue

write it down so that revenge leaves your body all the fears doubts anger write it down keep it for as long as you need to remember what you felt and then let go...i did that with my ex...entertained the idea of getting back with him which was a revenge really on the woman who took him in the first place......my revenge included getting fit and looking the best I can look.....and fro em it never works when i do something out fo revenge even though it was the case of living better myself is the best revenge...i have to do things out of love or they just dont work....when i do things out of love and kindness...i always feel good...and that is what my basic goal in life is too feel good about myself.....feelings of anger revenge hatred doubt insecurity...i have come to realise dont make me feel any better and certainly not good.....peace came when i knew we werent going to get back together...hurting her because she hurt me wouldnt solve anything......when i write down anything bad it gets it out of my head.....because honestly....i dont want to hurt anyone.....that would cause me more guilt...and guilt aint good in my world....so writing revenge fantasies or whatever makes you feel bad can let you fill your mind with other thoughts...more productive ones......deb

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When you say drawing out, you mean you drew a picture of what you wanted to do?

 

Yes I literally drew. Keep in mind that I am not an artist xD. I was actually at a Jack Astor's with some friends, and they have paper on the table and give you crayons too. I was with friends and drew the guy being suspended in the air by rope that was tied to his hands and connected to something above him. There was a fire underneath him burning him slowly from his feet. I also drew another picture with him getting hit by a car.

 

I think I got the first part of that from Angels and Demons. My friends and I had a really good laugh about that too. I definitely helped me release some emotions, and my friends and I still talk about that sometimes even though that happened a couple of years ago.

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The big thing when dealing with anger is that you have to externalise it.

 

There are lots of ways of doing that without hurting yourself or another person.

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sober and dry

For me, writing down this revenge thoughts doesn't help me. I tried it and it just gives me a bigger perspective and a bigger desire of realizing it...

Of course I would love to beat up the guy who made my RS fall apart but I wont search for it or wait it happens. Damn sure I would beat him until I can't no more! Sure if he somehow get in front of me he will have a surprise!

BUT either way, it doesn't bring anything good to your life besides more problems and a little to none satisfaction.

So something like Satu described here is obviously much better! Perhaps I will do it with her gifts someday soon :)

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10+ months NC....good for you. Confronting him in person is a really really bad idea.

 

Go to a gym that has a punching bag and go at!

 

Let this go and be done with it knowing that that guy is is messed up (so is your ex) and I'm sure his life will be for as long as he is alive. You don't need to do anything to him, in time he will do it to himself. What goes around comes around. I truly believe that.

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I'm now 10+ months NC.

 

This is the biggest reason you say and do NOTHING...

You have 10 months under your belt, if you contact or do anything you start all over and then the healing would have to start over

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Just don't do it, its only normal to have such thoughts but don't act on it, you are on the 10 month mark of NC.

Just stick to NC.

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I hear you! I just heard last night about my ex slutting around the bar. Told my buddy that I didn't need to hear it and want to break heads! I won't though...not worth it. Skanks will skank.

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Beer bottle to head = potential death, don't do it neither he or she are worth it pal go punch a lamp post instead.

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I think everyone is missing the big picture here.

 

This guy didn't kidnap her. She chose to end the relationship and go with the new guy.

 

Was it bad for her to be cheating on you instead of breaking up? Yes. Does that speak poorly of her character and morals? Most certainly. Was the guy a jerk for going after her? Probably. But in the end, she chose him over you. It's her life to live a she wants.

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Skanks will skank.

 

^^^^^^^This!!!

 

Young women get hit on all the time by older men and the ones who respect themselves do not cheat on their bfs with anyone, especially a man old enough to be her father. She knew better and knew perfectly well what she was doing but she liked it and went for it. Stop blaming him and put the blame where it belongs with your ex who made a commitment to you. Continue NC and don't respond to her BD greeting as it will just set you back. You're doing great, don't mess it up by contacting her.

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Intense physical activity helped me process my anger, which, at certain points, definitely made me feel like a volcanic mess. I could work out and do insane things for HOURS that now I really need to motivate myself to do. ;)

 

But, if you use this energy for something positive, even if you don't feel great about it now, eventually you WILL, and... you realize you were powerful enough to use one of the most awful moments in your life as a springboard for self-improvement.

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I'd suggest therapy, I don't think its healthy to be THIS angry so long after the fact. And trust me, I've been in your shoes, my ex-husband left me for another woman after having an affair for a few months. I wanted to pound that whore's face bloody, but my therapist really, really helped. I did a lot of working out to blow off steam, but she advised me to stay away from any punching, kickboxing, etc. This it could lead to my associating the relief I was getting with the exercise itself with specifically exercising in a combative manner. Make sense? And I wasn't really angry with the other woman, I was angry with my ex AND with myself for what happened. But I was having a hard time hating and loving someone at the same time, so his anger got pushed onto her. After all, our exes were the ones who broke their words and cheated, not the other people. Those other people didn't owe us any sort of loyalty.

 

Good luck though, I know how tough and overwhelming the feelings of anger can be.

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Sycamore

 

 

This girls is a skank people like that are never ultimately happy as they are too scummy to feel real joy or love or contentment .

 

 

The dude is an ******* but he is just a dude with a dick bro we are all week when it comes to pur dicks and hot girls .

 

 

That how is the problem not him , its not like he was laughing in your face or feeling smug .

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