The Power of Pain because of Rejection (Long Read - My story)

[CripplingMe]

I have found this forum a great source of support and thought i would add my contribution.

 

Me: The Dumped

Age: 34

Him: The Dumper

Age: 27

Length of Relationship Lost: 4 years

Long Distance Relationship: Lived together first 6 months, then went long distance. Saw eachother every other week and I spent every summer with him during my degree.

 

Reason for Break-Up: Him experiencing an identity crisis - chose wrong degree course and feels he thought he knew what he wanted for a career, now he doesn't. Been suffering from depression and insomnia for over 3 months. Hasn't attended university in 3 months. Plays computer games 14 hours per day and recently started anti-depressants.

_____________________________________________________________

 

It's been 3 weeks since we officially broke up,1 week since I last saw him and 4 days since he last contacted me.

 

1 week ago today, I saw my ex for the last time (well, in my heart I am hoping not, but that's what most dumpees feel I suppose). After spending Christmas with him and his family, upto and including January 8th, things were very unsettling. There were moments of laughter, cuddles every night in bed, box-set watching and contentment, but it was clear there was a huge problem with his ability to spend a lot of time 'with me' because he was 90% of the time playing computer games, so I would often spend the time on my own next to him surfing the net or watching TV. I found it incredibly lonely. I had known for about 4 weeks prior to Christmas how unhappy and depressed he was because he realised a few weeks after starting his first year at Uni that he chose the wrong degree. He felt incredibly guilty, ashamed and defeated, because there is pressure from him family (indirectly so) for him to get on some sort of career path (he has been in and out of retail jobs for the last 5 years because he was struggling with what he wanted to do with his life). An injury when he was 20 ended his profession as a professional dancer after 10 years of training. His family coerced him into this profession when he was 9.

 

For the 4 years I was with him, I supported him through a lot of transitional and stressful occasions. In and out of jobs, periods of unemployment, anxiety issues (identity wise) - I supported him throughout all of these through thick and thin.

 

A few days after Christmas, we went to see the latest Hobbit movie and had a great time. Day after, we decided to go to a cafe we frequently go to. I don't know how things changed and happened so quickly. We got in there and I just had nothing to say. I knew perhaps that the previous week and a half i had spent with him, mainly consisted of him just playing computer games 90% of the time and it made me unhappy. Felt really alone. He said to me, 'this is not great when you have nothing to say to me'. He said it as if to imply it wasn't a good sign in the relationship. I then start to get upset. I felt so embarrassed as the cafe was really busy. I was overwhelmed with sadness. He obviously wasn't happy with the fact that I wasn't chewing his ears off, and I took it as an insult/personally. At some point in the next few sentences I said 'well maybe we should split up then'. I said it, not because i wanted to, but maybe to provoke a reaction. I didn't get a 'no i dont want to'. 'dont be ridiculous', or 'what are you talking about'. 10 mins later, we left the cafe (me still upset), and we were meant to be going to his mums/step father's for dinner. I couldn't get in the car with him and said i would meet him there (30 min walk) as i was too upset.

 

I got to his mum's and the whole family was there – I was so embarrassed and ashamed. Turns out he had told his mum/family what had happened prior to when I got there. I couldn’t believe how quick he had told them. We left about 30 mins later and headed back to his student halls: I ended up staying there for another week simply because neither of us had an urgency for me to go back home. For the following week, we spoke ever so briefly about the situation (turns out it would now be a break), we watched a movie, etc. But for the most part, he just spent most of his time playing his computer game till all hours of the morning, every one of those 7 days. Prior to us breaking up, it was about 3am in the morning (he was on his laptop, I was half asleep in bed), and he realised how ridiculous the amount of time he was spending playing computer games and said, ‘aggh, this is ridiculous – I should be spending the time with my girlfriend but im so absorbed in this ****’.

 

On the last day I was there, he drove me back to my home town and that moment he said goodbye was HORRENDOUS. He said he was contactable anytime and wont disappear off the face of the planet as he wants me still in his life (he only has 2 other close friends, but they live opposite ends of the country) – so in terms of a friend, he saw me as his best friend.

 

The past 7 days (since I last saw him)

Well, the first few days were the worst days of pain I have ever experienced in my life. I kid you not. I didn’t eat anything. I hardly breathed. I ached in physical and emotional pain. I didn’t sleep. I was physically ill. I also suffered from suicidal ideation. Thought about how I would end my life because the pain was excruciating (emotionally). I was like a zombie. I was CONSTANTLY keeping myself distracted by being outside of the house, travelling on public transport for hours to get to another town, walking for miles on my own, constantly surfing the internet on my phone reading millions of posts from LoveShack. ANYTHING to distract me psychologically from thinking of ‘him’, ‘us’, and ‘hope’. I would also physically balk (as though I was throwing up) whilst walking the streets. There was NO WAY I would look at any photos of us or emails he used to send me. If I did that, I would be sure to have a nervous breakdown. Im not exaggerating by the way. I am sure people may perhaps resonate with me. The man, literally tore every fibre in my heart, burnt them, then threw them into oblivion. I loved/love him enormously and I was in deep, deep shock.

 

4 days later at 02:30am in the morning, I was surfing the internet, reading Love Shack, and my phone flashed (on silent), I briefly read the first 5 words on the front screen and I knew it was from him (particularly at that time of the morning as he is a night own like myself). That text was like a shot of heroin. The pain instantly relieved to levels I found beautifully comforting. I know it sounds melodramatic, but that’s what it felt like. After a few moments of emotional relief, I was then paralysed by fear. Fear of him saying something I didn’t want to hear or my heart to feel. I literally didn’t want to read it, so I didn’t. What did I do? I took that opportunity to sleep. Owing to the emotional relief it gave me to know he had made contact with me, I took the opportunity to honour my poor body to sleep.

 

For two days I was so scared and fearful of reading the text. Reading words such as ‘someone deserves you better than me’ is NOT what I wanted to read. On a bus journey to my local city (hour away), I decided to read it. I was paralysed by fear that it would say something I didn’t want to hear. Owing to the fact that I had this unread text and I hadn’t responded to it, I felt I had a certain degree of emotional power. This then enabled me to not feel as emotionally weak and severely depressed as I were the days prior to getting the text.

 

He said he’s a lot of issues going on in his life which he is struggling to compartmentalize and evaluate as it’s so overwhelming. For that reason he can’t commit to a relationship and needs to discover who he is as a person and what his path should be. He hopes I understand his perspective and hopes we can speak again one day. He also wasn’t sure whether what he had done (pushed me away) will be the biggest regret for the rest of his life, losing something special.

 

I read it about a million times, trying to figure out whether there was any hope buried within them words and also whether he was genuinely remorseful for what he had done. I decided to reply. I was respectful, considerate and amicable in my response and wished him well. Didn’t ask questions, get emotional or angry. I felt it was the best response simply because well, I was mirroring his own plus, I knew that if I was respectful about the situation, there’d be a chance of reconciling in the future (obviously wanting him some time in the coming months to realize and massively regret what he had done. So, being psycho or emotional wasn’t an option for me to have my last word).

 

I didn’t get a reply, and I wasn’t surprised despite painstakingly hoping he would. Then again, it did not warrant a response really because I never asked any questions.

 

I decided this morning, whilst walking in the lashing down rain feeling deeply sorry for myself, that I would block his number. Why? Well, the idea of living with a prolonged intense hope of hearing from him, would make me deeply, irrecoverably miserable as sin. Part of me didn’t want to obviously, without a doubt, but because I am extremely hurt, pained and very depressed, I was trying to help myself by being cruel to be kind. I didn’t want to appear like a rabbit in headlights everytime I received a text on my phone – that would have been terribly cruel and painful to myself. I feel partially bad, in some manner, because if he does try to call, he’ll likely know I have blocked him, then he would think of me as being a bitter bitch. But to be honest, I was putting my own needs first before what he thought of me. I never thought I would hear myself say that, EVER, not in a million years. I have used the power of my pain, caused by his self-esteem-destroying rejection, to begin my healing process.

 

I am trying to cut him out of my life completely, to help myself. I want to develop contempt towards him so I can heal my obliterated heart and soul. The man literally destroyed my confidence and self esteem and brought me to a psychologically point of despair where I wanted to actually end my life. Now I know I am in control of my emotions and thoughts, but he brought them on by rejecting me. Someone who loves him, supported him more than anyone else in his family or friends, idolised him and was completely loyal and reliable. For someone to decide they consciously don’t want you in their life, is heart breaking, be it a relationship or friendship.

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read.

[Josmatjes]

I don't think he said he doesn't want you in his life. I think..either he just needs some time or he was fishing to see what you were doing.

 

Also why is he telling his family what's going on with you both when he knows you were going there. That is really immature and just a jerky move if you ask me. If he were mature he wouldn't of said anything.

 

I would go no contact for awhile...at least give it a month....let him wonder what you are doing.

You are a mature beautiful woman who deserves to be treated with respect.

 

Good luck

[bigtrouble]

But to be honest, I was putting my own needs first before what he thought of me. I never thought I would hear myself say that, EVER, not in a million years. I have used the power of my pain, caused by his self-esteem-destroying rejection, to begin my healing process.

 

That is good positive attitude and now you can actively focus on yourself and begin the healing process.

 

I read both of your threads, I am happy for you...

Edited January 18, 2015 by bigtrouble

[StalwartMind]

Just to get it out of the way as the first thing, I have to completely agree with Josmatjes, that him telling his family before you arrived was a pretty inconsiderate move. This may not of been the only time he did that, but considering the consequences of how others will view you, it's a fairly significant deal. I know that everyone makes mistakes, even in very "perfect and ideal" relationships, but that was a bit of a jumping the gun move, which would catch most sincere and sensible people off guard.

 

I just want to commend you for writing all you did, and while my own heart always feels like being ripped apart reading such, it also makes me want to comfort others who deal with such intense emotions. In addition to that, I do feel it's pretty important too, to hear the thoughts from someone who can perhaps help you view your own situation in a different light, and hopefully make you heal a bit faster.

 

Love and passion share the same upside and downside. It at times seems ludicrous just how much of a hold something or someone can have on us. When you are a person that commit yourself 100% to what you are currently doing, be it a task or a relationship, you also know how good it feels when you see the effort you put into something comes to fruition. As amazing as it is to feel such a high, the fall is unfortunately of equivalent distance with a resounding and lingering effect from the impact when you crash. This is the very reason why something bad can seem to be of greater power than something good. Being the most advanced species on the planet, our high level of intelligence is also what makes us the most fragile, which is all the more reason why the world needs more compassion.

 

I'm not going to defend your boyfriend, because I do not agree with his actions or treatment of you, but I will say the following which needs to be said regardless of what anyone else may think too. The circumstances are not great, what happened no one should ever experience, at least if things were ideal but the world is never ideal. I can understand seeing your partner be consumed by video games, would make you very unhappy. Depending on the exact type he was playing, typically mmorpgs (massive multiplayer online role playing games), are what can get some people insanely hooked. Regardless of what it was, the most likely scenario is that he used it as a means to escape the reality, a reality where he has that indirect pressure from his family to succeed. On top of that, he also cast you aside, but the interesting bit is that, he actually realized it.

 

Not everyone realize their actions or even worse wants to admit them. In a relationship you should typically feel happy, comfortable and secure. Regardless of what any of us do, it's important to incorporate each other so we don't feel left out, as that would just be counter intuitive to any relationship. Every person has a very different view on the prioritization of communication, but if it is not present then there is a great risk of problems occurring. It is quite possible that with time, he will actually realize just how unique and special you were to him, and he will find himself sitting with only regret. As someone neutral, it's easy to say, that's exactly what he should feel, because anyone sensible can see all that you offered him.

 

Despite that, due to his struggles and need to actually figure himself out, those incredibly valuable traits of yours, are just not of much relevance currently, which is extremely hurtful. People end up doing things all the time, just like that, which they deep down may know is something they'll regret in the future, but given their current circumstances, they "feel" they may not have any other choice but to betray their own common sense.

This is not to excuse the "poor" choice of others, it's just to tell you and anyone else, that sometimes, people end up not having any real right choice for them at the given moment.

 

The best thing you did, was handling the text and situation with respect. It's easy to let negative emotions take over, and just wish the worst to someone that hurt you, and while that may be exactly what some people need, I find it much more admirable when people can handle things with their head held up high, despite facing a very difficult situation and coming period. That really commands respect. In addition to that, you also are completely right in putting yourself before him, even with the need to block his number and whatever else you may have to do. It does not matter what he may think, because if he has just a slight bit of common sense, which he did seem to have, then he will also realize his own actions, and that he is actually the source of all that has transpired.

 

Any honorable man and woman, will admit to their mistakes and they will improve upon them so they do not repeat them again. He has a lot of things he need to go through, it will likely take a long time before he reaches a state where he can be a better man. This of course does not help you, but you should take comfort and inspiration in your own ability to handle this, because trust me too many people would of coped much differently.

 

As have been said many times before, but it's still so very true and always will be. While it's an experience that makes you feel at your lowest low, it is also something that will help refine the future you, and you will come out stronger from all of this. It will take some time to fully comprehend all that has happened and will happen, but you will see and experience soon enough that there are people who completely understand and relates to your situation, and they will more than realize and value all the amazing things you have to offer.

[CripplingMe]

I don't think he said he doesn't want you in his life. I think..either he just needs some time or he was fishing to see what you were doing.

 

Also why is he telling his family what's going on with you both when he knows you were going there. That is really immature and just a jerky move if you ask me. If he were mature he wouldn't of said anything.

 

I would go no contact for awhile...at least give it a month....let him wonder what you are doing.

You are a mature beautiful woman who deserves to be treated with respect.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you for your latter kind words, that really is lovely thing to say.

 

As for the telling his family situation, i was surprised and hurt he had told them because in my eyes, he went ahead and confirmed the 'news' with his family despite there not being a mutual or explicit agreement on his side that we broke up. To me, it was left in the air.

 

Maybe he explained things to them because he thought, well, 'if she is going to turn up looking tearful, plus, wondering why I turned up separately 30 mins later, they will want to know why and where she is'. I dont know, maybe im excusing him but im trying to put myself in his shoes also. Would i do the same? Tell my family?

 

Irrespective, I was still hurt - because i felt embarrassed of them looking at me in pity/sorrow even though none of them said anything, it was written on their faces. Thinking about it more frankly, i felt a little betrayed he could do that so so quickly.

 

Yes I am going no contact and i find it relatively easy to do because, I knew if i did, id push him away and the LAST thing i need is another kick of rejection. Also, i am beginning to experiencing slight, slight anger, so the no contact is again, a little easier to do because it's my way of showing to him 'you can kiss my a***'.

 

To be honest, there is a part of me that wants nothing to do with him ever again, and I know this feeling is derived from being deeply hurt and disregarded.

 

Thank you once again.

[CripplingMe]

Just to get it out of the way as the first thing, I have to completely agree with Josmatjes, that him telling his family before you arrived was a pretty inconsiderate move. This may not of been the only time he did that, but considering the consequences of how others will view you, it's a fairly significant deal. I know that everyone makes mistakes, even in very "perfect and ideal" relationships, but that was a bit of a jumping the gun move, which would catch most sincere and sensible people off guard.

 

I just want to commend you for writing all you did, and while my own heart always feels like being ripped apart reading such, it also makes me want to comfort others who deal with such intense emotions. In addition to that, I do feel it's pretty important too, to hear the thoughts from someone who can perhaps help you view your own situation in a different light, and hopefully make you heal a bit faster.

 

Love and passion share the same upside and downside. It at times seems ludicrous just how much of a hold something or someone can have on us. When you are a person that commit yourself 100% to what you are currently doing, be it a task or a relationship, you also know how good it feels when you see the effort you put into something comes to fruition. As amazing as it is to feel such a high, the fall is unfortunately of equivalent distance with a resounding and lingering effect from the impact when you crash. This is the very reason why something bad can seem to be of greater power than something good. Being the most advanced species on the planet, our high level of intelligence is also what makes us the most fragile, which is all the more reason why the world needs more compassion.

 

I'm not going to defend your boyfriend, because I do not agree with his actions or treatment of you, but I will say the following which needs to be said regardless of what anyone else may think too. The circumstances are not great, what happened no one should ever experience, at least if things were ideal but the world is never ideal. I can understand seeing your partner be consumed by video games, would make you very unhappy. Depending on the exact type he was playing, typically mmorpgs (massive multiplayer online role playing games), are what can get some people insanely hooked. Regardless of what it was, the most likely scenario is that he used it as a means to escape the reality, a reality where he has that indirect pressure from his family to succeed. On top of that, he also cast you aside, but the interesting bit is that, he actually realized it.

 

Not everyone realize their actions or even worse wants to admit them. In a relationship you should typically feel happy, comfortable and secure. Regardless of what any of us do, it's important to incorporate each other so we don't feel left out, as that would just be counter intuitive to any relationship. Every person has a very different view on the prioritization of communication, but if it is not present then there is a great risk of problems occurring. It is quite possible that with time, he will actually realize just how unique and special you were to him, and he will find himself sitting with only regret. As someone neutral, it's easy to say, that's exactly what he should feel, because anyone sensible can see all that you offered him.

 

Despite that, due to his struggles and need to actually figure himself out, those incredibly valuable traits of yours, are just not of much relevance currently, which is extremely hurtful. People end up doing things all the time, just like that, which they deep down may know is something they'll regret in the future, but given their current circumstances, they "feel" they may not have any other choice but to betray their own common sense.

This is not to excuse the "poor" choice of others, it's just to tell you and anyone else, that sometimes, people end up not having any real right choice for them at the given moment.

 

The best thing you did, was handling the text and situation with respect. It's easy to let negative emotions take over, and just wish the worst to someone that hurt you, and while that may be exactly what some people need, I find it much more admirable when people can handle things with their head held up high, despite facing a very difficult situation and coming period. That really commands respect. In addition to that, you also are completely right in putting yourself before him, even with the need to block his number and whatever else you may have to do. It does not matter what he may think, because if he has just a slight bit of common sense, which he did seem to have, then he will also realize his own actions, and that he is actually the source of all that has transpired.

 

Any honorable man and woman, will admit to their mistakes and they will improve upon them so they do not repeat them again. He has a lot of things he need to go through, it will likely take a long time before he reaches a state where he can be a better man. This of course does not help you, but you should take comfort and inspiration in your own ability to handle this, because trust me too many people would of coped much differently.

 

As have been said many times before, but it's still so very true and always will be. While it's an experience that makes you feel at your lowest low, it is also something that will help refine the future you, and you will come out stronger from all of this. It will take some time to fully comprehend all that has happened and will happen, but you will see and experience soon enough that there are people who completely understand and relates to your situation, and they will more than realize and value all the amazing things you have to offer.

 

 

 

 

I'm not going to defend your boyfriend, because I do not agree with his actions or treatment of you, but I will say the following which needs to be said regardless of what anyone else may think too. The circumstances are not great, what happened no one should ever experience, at least if things were ideal but the world is never ideal. I can understand seeing your partner be consumed by video games, would make you very unhappy. Depending on the exact type he was playing, typically mmorpgs (massive multiplayer online role playing games), are what can get some people insanely hooked. Regardless of what it was, the most likely scenario is that he used it as a means to escape the reality, a reality where he has that indirect pressure from his family to succeed. On top of that, he also cast you aside, but the interesting bit is that, he actually realized it.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and depths to which you went to to thoroughly explain matters.

 

Yes, he was playing mmorpgs. I witnessed how addictive is was. He was aware that he was abusing it simply to escape reality, but he was too engrossed and far gone into his gaming to pull out of it. Be it Christmas Eve, Christmas Evening or Boxing Day, he couldn't keep away from it. We did manage to get the cinema and watching a TV drama, but that's the most I got out of him over the 2/3 week period.

 

 

Not everyone realize their actions or even worse wants to admit them. In a relationship you should typically feel happy, comfortable and secure. Regardless of what any of us do, it's important to incorporate each other so we don't feel left out, as that would just be counter intuitive to any relationship. Every person has a very different view on the prioritization of communication, but if it is not present then there is a great risk of problems occurring. It is quite possible that with time, he will actually realize just how unique and special you were to him, and he will find himself sitting with only regret. As someone neutral, it's easy to say, that's exactly what he should feel, because anyone sensible can see all that you offered him.

 

I think he did realise his actions (albeit intermittently), but it's like he couldnt muster the strength to take hold of matters and change things or make a greater effort. I tried my upmost to make him feel comfortable and secure - never gave him a reason to feel otherwise - but I think ultimately, he was unhappy with himself and he knew he couldn't give me what I wanted (time and emotional commitment). I never suggested we move in together or get engaged as I wasn't ready for that and neither was he so we worked well in that sense. There was talk last summer that he wanted us to get a place, and actively looked at places to rent, but he changed his mind when he realised he wanted to experience living in student halls. I was ok with that, i honestly was, because i didn't ever want him to resent me for denying him of such experiences.

 

He know's how special and dedicated I am and I never messed him around. I was a very reliable person in his life, be it with uni work/advice, helping him with his CV or listening to his concerns - unlike other people in his life (family and 1 best friend) - I was always there listening and helping him all the time. So, I know he will always realise this and when he is 40 say, he will look back and go 'jeez, she was what every man would want in a loving, supportive and dedicated relationship'. I guess right now, he is a young man of 27, plagued by fear, guilt, uncertainty and frustration in what the hell he is meant to be doing in his life.

 

I suppose i'm deeply upset and hurt that he gave away a best friend. Not so much the 'girlfriend' bit, I get that, but the fact that he only had 1 best friend in his life (he wasn't successful in making friends at uni - he retreated into spending all his time on his own when he got depressed). He said outright I was his best friend (other than his long time male friend) so, how can anyone want to give that up to if he was so short on friendships? His best friend lives 400 miles away so it's not like he had him to rely on for company. I was the one who was there day and night available to speak to whenever he was down or needed help with his uni work. Every day.

 

Why completely cut me off altogether I don't know. He was persistant when we broke up that he wanted to be friends/stay in my life and couldnt comprehend why i said 'no, no way it would break my heart'.

 

I'm rambling on now sorry, there's just a lot of things I haven't really gotten off my chest and don't really want to bombard my few friends with my problems.

 

I pray to god I can look back on this in 12 months and be over him and im completely fine, or, be back with him after he has reevaluated his life (naturally I hope for the latter).

 

Thank you once again for your lovely and invested response.