FixItCris Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I'm 2 months BU, 1 month NC. I feel like I am stuck in my recovery process, as I feel terrible for the way I reacted to the break up. I said some nasty things to her that were out of character for me. I know in hindsight I should not have been angry for her choosing her own happiness. I truly loved this woman, and would never want anything but happiness for her. I feel like this would help me let go of the pain I am feeling. What I am asking, is should I send her an email, apologising for the immature way i handled the end of the relationship, and wish her happiness? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Nope.. just forgive yourself. You owe her nothing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Praying4Daylight is right. You forgive yourself for your own behavior, try to improve it next time and you will move on 2 Link to post Share on other sites
batt Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Same boat I said something I regret. I sent her flowers to apologize you know what she said? "Listen, I know you're sorry and want to be forgiven, but what you're doing has to stop." I don't know what I was apologizing for, maybe for being too blunt, and saying things she needed to hear? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I actually did this today. I had been struggling with some of the things I sad/how I acted towards her the last time we saw each other,for the past few days. I only had a couple hours sleep thinking over what to do? In my dreams I was calling/text apologizing.. AS SOON as I woke up ran to my phone too make sure I had only been dreaming! Scary! That's when I decided she's not worth my worry,words,loss of sleep or anything of mine. She's with another guy. She's his problem now,ect.. Felt really good and calming to forgive myself for EVERY SINGLE mistake I have ever made... IN MY LIFE! First time I've ever done that..always sweep it under the rug or didn't want to admit what I had done. Good luckl! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FixItCris Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I think I need to forgive myself for reacting badly, I also need to forgive myself for following her breadcrumbs and believing her lies and feeling sorry for her. I think that's the hard part. Forgiving myself for being misled. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
batt Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I think I need to forgive myself for reacting badly, I also need to forgive myself for following her breadcrumbs and believing her lies and feeling sorry for her. I think that's the hard part. Forgiving myself for being misled. I know the feeling. I pm another member on it about it earlier. Then I came back to the realization that she dumped me with no explanation, and that I wasn't worth 5 minutes of her time. Plus, she knows she played mind games with me, why should I seek forgiveness from her. She's the one that blindsided me, she should be asking me for forgiveness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I did the same thing, but I sent her an apology e-mail, and text the very next day, so I can move on, and not have to regret something for the rest of my life. I did it right away, because I didn't want to be in your position, where I'm healing, but then have that temptation to break NC, because I'd be so guilty of the way it ended, and had to apologize (in my mind). I wanted to end it as loving as possible after the night I said some harsh stuff. Didn't want to rehash guilty thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Cris, I think you said what you felt in the moment for a reason. You were reacting from a place of hurt, which is understandable. Hindsight is always 20/20. You don't need to reach out and apologize to her. I agree with the others and your comment about forgiving yourself. I wouldn't break nc for this. No way. I've been in your shoes once and did the apologizing, and it was around the same time frame as you (slightly over one month nc), and it didn't end well and made matters worse. Whereas your intentions are good and you may feel composed enough to do so, and you will feel like there are no expectations, trust me, you're not healed enough to not have any expectations -- as much as your mind may trick you into believing otherwise. Your mind is still just processing everything. Don't act upon that thought. Just let it flow and continue to heal from it. I hope you choose to continue NC, for you. You're already one month strong. Way to go! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FixItCris Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Well thinking back, the day she broke up with me, i cried a little but handled it very well and said I would be there for her if she needed me, and i understood she needed to find herself etc (Yes I know what this means) We were in touch for 5 weeks afterwards, back and forth, spending time together and reminiscing about how good it had been. Then i found out she was with another guy. So all the reasons she had given me were lies. I didn't actually say anything overly nasty, and nothing that wasn't true. My only regret is that I never read her last message. That would have been the last thing she ever said to me, and i deleted it. I have been in NC since then, but my emotions are still all over the place. Link to post Share on other sites
Chin Up Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Almost everyone acts like an arse at some point after a breakup. The way you reacted probably isn't half as bad as you're fearing it is. Every time you contact her and try to do "damage control", believe it or not, you will feel the need to do "damage control" for doing "damage control" LOL. It turns into this horrible cycle of coming up with a "legit" reasons to contact them, and then no matter how they reply you're going to end up crapping over it and feel the need to fix it again. They don't reply - omg gotta save face!They reply in a negative way - omg gotta save face!They reply in a positive way - omg I got a foot in the door, no wait, they've made me feel like sh*t again...omg gotta save face! Contacting them is a no win situation. You're gonna feel like a loser every time you do it, so spare yourself the additional pain. Forgiving myself for being misled. Bingo. That's where your focus should lie..forgiving yourself. She treated you like crap and you're looking to her to make you feel better about it? Believe me dude, I tried that route and EVERY time I contacted him all I was doing was asking for more crap treatment. Barf . It's hard and sometimes I feel extremely angry or disappointed with my myself for not putting my foot down and allowing myself to be treated so badly, but that's how you learn! I guarantee you that all these horrible feelings you have right now will prevent you from EVER letting someone treat you like that again. Don't dwell on the things you miss, smolder over the things you don't. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Every time you contact her and try to do "damage control", believe it or not, you will feel the need to do "damage control" for doing "damage control" LOL. It turns into this horrible cycle of coming up with a "legit" reasons to contact them, and then no matter how they reply you're going to end up crapping over it and feel the need to fix it again. They don't reply - omg gotta save face!They reply in a negative way - omg gotta save face!They reply in a positive way - omg I got a foot in the door, no wait, they've made me feel like sh*t again...omg gotta save face! Loved it, utterly true! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FixItCris Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 My question now then, is how do i forgive myself? I don't know where to start. I know I have done it before, I remember forgiving myself when my marriage broke up a couple of years ago, but i think that was because I was able to see all my faults in the marriage and talk to my ex wife about it. I think that made me feel much better. But I don't know how i actually forgave myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FixItCris Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Maybe I will make a list of the things I think I did wrong, and specifically "forgive" myself for each one. Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 You just look at whatever you think you did wrong, admit it, see were you really went wrong and accept it. The forgiving it self just happens when it's supposed to happen. Not so simple as it seems when you say it, but there's nothing more to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Chin Up Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Unfortunately, it takes time and you're going to feel like utter garbage in the process. I'd like to tell you there's a magic formula or string of words that can magically poof you into forgiving yourself, but it's a long wade through a bog of muck and you gotta slosh through 'til you come out on the other side, and right now you're up to your neck in it. You will get there though. Be kind to yourself. It's so easy to shoulder all the blame and even blame yourself for things that had nothing to do with you. I would like to remind you that she cheated on you emotionally for 3 months before running to the other guy. Is there EVER a good reason to cheat (emotionally or physically) on someone? No. Never. If she felt the issues were unsolvable, or never took the time to even communicate supposed issues with you..It would have gone south anyways. BUT - The decent thing would have been to break up with you, not keep you around til she realized this guy was a sure thing. Seems a pretty selfish thing to do and I'd feel pretty used, personally. Make the list, but also make a list of things she did wrong too. Forgiving yourself isn't about self flagellation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 For me it was time and the fact that her and I were on/off so much over the years..and when I found out she was already seeing someone(the first guy she left me for in '09)....swing away lady! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FixItCris Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Unfortunately, it takes time and you're going to feel like utter garbage in the process. I'd like to tell you there's a magic formula or string of words that can magically poof you into forgiving yourself, but it's a long wade through a bog of muck and you gotta slosh through 'til you come out on the other side, and right now you're up to your neck in it. You will get there though. Be kind to yourself. It's so easy to shoulder all the blame and even blame yourself for things that had nothing to do with you. I would like to remind you that she cheated on you emotionally for 3 months before running to the other guy. Is there EVER a good reason to cheat (emotionally or physically) on someone? No. Never. If she felt the issues were unsolvable, or never took the time to even communicate supposed issues with you..It would have gone south anyways. BUT - The decent thing would have been to break up with you, not keep you around til she realized this guy was a sure thing. Seems a pretty selfish thing to do and I'd feel pretty used, personally. Make the list, but also make a list of things she did wrong too. Forgiving yourself isn't about self flagellation. You're right, I did feel used, completely. There is never any excuse for what she did. I thought she was a decent person too, But man was I wrong! I have decided that the first step I will take today, is to go home and take down the box of cards and notes and little momentos of her, and burn them. That will be the start of my process i think, then the lists. Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Just out of curiosity I'm thinking about doing the same. Some time ago, I was talking to a good friend of mine about the BU and what was my questions at that time being one of them what to do with her gifts. He said something really nice xD It's simple, her cloths send it to her, the gifts that she gave you that was a use like a wallet, cloth or whatever just keep it as long as you can use it without necessarily remind of her, everything else is just like a paperweight in your life so just send it to garbage or burn it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FixItCris Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 She bought me a gopro, So i'm keeping that. A couple of bobble heads, one of which looks like her, so that's going. The other things are shells and stones and things we collected in our travels, so that can all go too. Plus some notes and cards she wrote me while i was away for work. All going too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FixItCris Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Last night I felt like I was actually making progress for the first time. I threw away the things I was holding on to. I read and re-read the post above, and I was actually beginning to feel stronger, and made it through the night without thinking about her. The problem is, I got called out for work at midnight, and I was working till 2am. All I could think about was her. Not missing or loving thoughts though, hateful and painful thoughts. I don't know if i've made progress from missing her and wanting her to hating her, of if I was just half asleep and my brain took advantage of me. Get the hell out of my head, you're not welcome there, and you do not deserve to be there! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Hang in there man. Bitterness is such an awful emotion but it's a necessary part of the grieving process. Eventually you'll heal and the bitterness will be gone. I would also advise that you don't burn any momentos. Put them in a box and get them out of sight, but down the road when you're healed and happy again you'll see those things and it will bring back memories that you'll rememebr fondly. I threw out every momento my ex gave me when we broke up, and I wish I hadn't now that it's been a few years and I'm over it. It was a special part of my past and I wish I had things to remember it by. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FixItCris Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I will always have the memories. I wish I had kept the photos, but I deleted them a while ago. I don't need to be reminded of something that was never what I thought it was. Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Funny thing FixItCris, last night and today I had the same kind of "revelation"! I was thinking, "damn girl you were in my mind this last month almost two, and for what? I'm obsessed with thinking about her and us!? **** that's useless, get the **** out of my head right now!", so after that I just made the objective of purge it out ASAP. Man that heals. IMO you did good trowing all the paperweights and the photos. That's my objective for soon too. I too have many memories about it and don't need anything else to remember me of that, but maybe I will keep one photo or so and that's that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FixItCris Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I felt like holding on to love notes, cards and cute little reminders was just as bad as holding on to the relationship which no longer exists. It was emotional, but also a relief to throw those things in the trash, I didn't re-read any of the notes during, so that was probably for the best. I think the reality of my situation didn't really hit me properly until the last few days. Now I feel like I have hit rock bottom, and I'm bouncing off. I have lost nothing but a year, She has lost me. So really, i think I came out on top. Time to get my ass up and carry on enjoying life! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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