Stuck - not able to move on

[Sad26]

It has been 7 months when my ex broke up with over text message. I felt so hurt and tried to meet or talk to her for the last time. But she never replied to me after her last text. No acknowledgement ever. I kept trying and gave up after few days. It was tough and in following weeks and months I sent her mails but never got any reply from her. It feels so bad to be ignored like this. Makes me feel that I never meant anything, and I was just an object - like an used toothbrush which had to be discarded.

 

I am stuck not able to move on. Whenever I think of her treatment it brings tear to my eyes. I have gone out on few dates, but all I could think is her treatment and my quest of asking why would she treat me like this, and this makes me feel more miserable after those dates. Hence I stopped going out. I have become paranoid now. If someone does not reply to my text or mails in few hours I start checking if they will reply or they have blocked me or something.

 

I don't know what to do. I have not contacted or messaged her in the last 3 months. I can't understand how can people turn so cold. How can a person sleeping next to you everyday can't even care to have the last phone call or meeting with you. What I could have possibly done that she would treat me this bad. Was I a serial killer or a convict or rapist and hid this from her that she could become this cold to me. Or may be she never had any feelings for me.

 

I don't know what to do, but I am not able to move on.

Edited January 6, 2015 by Sad26

[coolheadal]

This is how the world we live in is at time. That person wasn't for you and well that's the way it was ended. You need to under stand NC rule. Should never contact them because they're done with you and they have their mind set on that. Can't change their minds once it set in motion. Plus if you could change their mind that person will never be like you had. But it sounds like you were mistreated. Why would you want to live like daily. That's abuse! No one should treat anyone in our out of relationship like that.

 

But it happens so much we all don't realize it happening. All you think about when it happens to you is that they still love you well hope so. Then you say how could they love you and treat you like that? They don't know better or something had happen to them in early childhood days which has caused this strange behavioral problem as an adult. When you come in contact with such a person you love so much can't help to wonder if your did something to them or not. The answer is always no you didn't do anything. The loose it, (mental disorder).

 

Got to put this behind you and now understand what NC = no contact / no communication what so ever! This includes (all forms of text, verbal and direct running into them by chance) Never in person could backfire on you.

 

Of course you have deep feelings for them but, and those good memories will not be gone. So what you have to do is close the door on them. Put those memories in a box and lock it in your mind. If they had live with you, take all their clothes they left with you and get a large trash bag like 39 gallons and stuff it up. Drop it into clothes for the needy. Also old photo of your two toss in the trash. Don't start a fire though that's too dangerous to do.

 

After everything is gone,l now comes the hard part living each day without them. So try to get out of the house more. Hang out with close friends you can trust. Or go places you have never been to before. After a few weeks you can go to places you have been with the Ex. Got to get that out of your system.

 

But remember this you are never alone while your on LS we've all gone though what you going through now!

[Sad26]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I would have felt less hurt if the break up was done in a dignified manner. Not even having a last phone call makes me feel so degraded, so objectified.

 

Yes, after all the pleading, begging, crying, I am doing NC for the lats three months. I have never treated anyone bad, never ignored anyone's phone or message or mails, hence I can't rationalise someone doing this to me. Least of all the person you at one point shared your life with.

 

It's been 7 months, don't ex's talk once after break up. Why I don't have that opportunity?

[Lemonsandpears]

Sad26 - This happened to me. He ended it over text (blaming it all on me for lack of communication and not making enough effort which was untrue) and then wouldn't respond to anything I sent after. He wouldn't even discuss the situation and try and understand things or try to work them out. it made it feel as if our time had all been a lie - how can you pretend to care about someone so deeply then completely cut them off? Don't I at least deserve a proper explanation? I have contacted him a good five times now and I think he hasn't even bothered to read my messages. Worse thing is that he seems so happy (on social media), without a care in the world. I really dont understand some people.

[Sad26]

Sad26 - This happened to me. He ended it over text (blaming it all on me for lack of communication and not making enough effort which was untrue) and then wouldn't respond to anything I sent after. He wouldn't even discuss the situation and try and understand things or try to work them out. it made it feel as if our time had all been a lie - how can you pretend to care about someone so deeply then completely cut them off? Don't I at least deserve a proper explanation? I have contacted him a good five times now and I think he hasn't even bothered to read my messages. Worse thing is that he seems so happy (on social media), without a care in the world. I really dont understand some people.

 

 

Hello Lemons..yes, this is exactly my situation and the only thing that hurts is how can you do this to someone you cared or pretend to care. People don't understand what I am feeling but you can. It's been 7 months now, even now she could have 5 minutes of call not even that.

 

I can feel your pain Lemons...not sure if this helps

[d0nnivain]

You need some affirmations. They are things you think that can help change the way you think.

 

 

Right now you are stuck in this endless loop of I can't move forward until I get answers from her. She's never going to answer you so you feel stuck.

 

 

Instead of that non-helpful loop replace it with:

 

She's a jerk & I don't know why. I <can> do better. I know I didn't do anything to deserve being treated this badly but that's on her, not me. I will get on with my life & find true happiness without her.

Repeat that (or something like it in your own words) every morning when you wake up, each time you think about her during the day & last thing before you go to bed. Sooner than you think you will be over her.

Edited January 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Word error repair

[Arient]

I'm sorry Sad26 For what you have had to go through. Being a person who would need clear answers for almost everything, I would find it so difficult to get over BUs such as yours. But trust me, there are no clear answers for the BUs, especially when only one side wants it. I had many talks with my ex, and he kindly and sincerely answered anything I threw at him, but here I am, at the 10-month mark, still can not really define exactly the reasons. So I guess, maybe closure will come, maybe it will never do. But the more important thing right now is find a way to divert yourself from such thoughts. You have to pin this in mind "It's over, so the reasons are no longer important. It might be this, it might be that, that pushed your relationship to an end, but what is more important now is forget". Try to distract yourself with something else to get away from such questions. Day by day, they will pop up less and less.

 

Each BU is different, and each ex is different, sometimes they contact you after a while, sometimes they just dissappear for good. In my opinion, when you still have strong feelings, NC is a bless. Don't think of "ex contacting" as an opportunity, if you have read other threads, you can see that it's actually a curse that hinders recovery. So just focus on you now, get away from the questions.

 

I wish you all the bests!

[ballycastle]

Same thing happened to me, a text that just said 'take care' so i knew if i didn't reply he would never contact me again.

 

That was six months ago and it still hurts. i have tried to just get on with my life but i miss him everyday.

 

Maybe it will take you 6 months, maybe a year or more. I know it will take me a long time to come to terms with how you said, that someone can just switch you off like that.

 

For me i am finding out about myself and have bought a book on co-dependency. Not suggesting the OP is at all, but saying that after months of being fixated on 'what is wrong with them,' or 'what could i have done for them to stay' I am looking at my behaviours in relationships and working on them. Its all about self improvement after all.

 

Take time for you. Is it lonely? Yes. Sad? Yes.Vital? Yes.

 

Its like going for job interviews. You don't get the first one. You're disappointed, you get feedback. You don't get the next one either. You get dispondent, but don't give up. You do research into your weaknessess.

 

You get knocked back again. Then you go for another and you are a match. That's how relationships are I guess - finding the right one for you.

 

This is what happened to me in my personal life, I found a new job after lots of knock backs and trying to apply all my losses to one day someone finding me in love that fits.

 

All the other knock backs however hard,were preparation.

[dyna85]

Hey Sad, I can relate. Same thing happened to me recently. I received a text ending things. My response in which I poured my heart out and asked why was completely ignored. Guess he thought I didn't deserve an explanation? It cut me like a knife. Truly. Worst pain ever. To be completely ignored by someone who matters so much. And for that ignoring to be completely final. What the hell gives? It's like an unending torture that only those going through it truly understand. The lack of closure is deafening.

I'm so sorry you're among the crowd of us select 'ignored' ones.

[Lemonsandpears]

There's nothing worse than being ignored. I'd rather be told that I wasn't loved or that he was seeing something else rather than face stone cold silence. I just wish the pain would go away. I know I can't contact him again, it'd border on psychotic. I just wish he'd talk to me like he used to

[dyna85]

L&P, so true. I've thought about how I'd rather him have been mean and said something like, 'get over it, leave me alone! don't text me again' or something. Basically, anything over silence... b/c it seems so unfinished... yet it's finished... I don't get it. I want to talk to him too. I wish he hadn't done this. I've cried so many tears. For what? Someone who doesn't give a damn. Not the slightest damn. It's messed up. To him, I don't exist. Wiped off the map, just like that.

 

I've never cared so much for someone who truly truly didn't care.

 

I waver between angry and understanding. I think I'm still in denial to some extent.

 

Don't understand why I still feel for someone who hurt me so bad though.

 

How long has it been for you?

[Lemonsandpears]

It's been about 3 months for me but it feels like everything is getting worse. You?

 

Me too..I'd rather he show some form of anger towards me rather than nothing. The fact he's so indifferent to the situation shows how little he cares.

 

For me it's so strange because he moved things so quickly to begin with..wanted to see me the day after we'd met for the first time, spent the whole weekend together straight away and would get mad if I didnt spend enough time with him...

 

He was so intense to begin with, I just don't get how he completed changed. He talked about us living together, potentially emigrating someplace nice, it was all so much, maybe too much.

 

I keep wishing I'd been more 'keen' or whatever it is he wanted from me but I'm just not that person. I wish he could have loved me for me and gave me a chance.

[dyna85]

Yeah.. for me it's been 2 weeks. Seems like the more time that passes, the more it sinks in that they don't care. I just don't get how someone can do that. Like, you feel this emotional connection, and they just say their part and deny you an opportunity to partake in the final discussion. It's like our feelings are invalid to them. Yet, they're very real feelings, and they don't just go away. To have someone so important ignore you is something you can't just forget. That's the dig too. It's like, the ignoring us, has more of a lingering effect than if they were to have just responded. It feels so final, but not... because there was never a two-way closure. Logic says that this is a clear demonstration that it couldn't work, since they were not empathetic towards us at a critical moment, yet the heart still tries to make sense of it all.

[Invictus01]

Almost two months ago I got a text telling me that I am such a good friend and how she feels much better after I sent her get well flowers when she got sick (or so she said). The text ended with a smiley face. Yep, that happened. I got discarded with a text that ended with a smiley face. She never replied to my returned text or a call. Went NC right away even though it damn near kill me. Guess who showed up 5 weeks later wishing me Merry Christmas? As much as I wanted to, I didn't reply to that. She isn't worth a reply.

[batt]

Same boat buddy. I got dumped on a damn video game. No reason why, she just beat around the bush. Damn unstable creature didn't have enough courage to do it in person. I'm still fighting with myself over everything that could have been my fault. I was more than willing to talk her about everything and correct any problems, but nope. She wouldn't even communicate like an adult, 28 year old wacko.

 

Its been a month now, and I'm coping better each day. I still grieve, but not quite at the point of realizing its not my fault. I'm at the point of wanting to punch her in face(not that I would). I tried to be very supportive of her. Listened to how she always complained about her mom, her living situation, how socially awkward she is, how every guy has cheated on her. It was always other peoples fault never hers.

 

I should have stayed away from that psycho knowing how depressed she is and all of her other crap. No steady relationships, no friends, ending up in a mental ward and being diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Also having a huge burn mark on her arm were huge red flags, but nope my stupid butt wouldn't listen. She needs to get her mental and intimacy issues resolved before she breaks another poor guys heart.

 

Sorry, end rant. It'll be rough, but you can get through it. People that play with peoples emotions and disappear like that deserve all the bad karma thats coming for them. Just keep posting on here, it's helped me and many others like dyna85 and welshbambi.

 

I'm gonna go to the gym and rage on a punching bag.

Edited January 9, 2015 by batt

[banini_jeque]

I'm still struggling a little bit from a breakup that happened 9 months ago, but having dated some since gave me a new perspective that helps a lot, since I found myself in a similar situation to what I now imagine my ex was in. She liked me a lot, but something was missing and it made her feel uncomfortable. I mean, not matter how much you like someone, you can't stay with them if you don't feel right, and then it gets weird. You feel weird, you know you're going to hurt the other person because they felt fine and you didn't. So just try to look at it from her perspective. She liked you and she tried you out to see if you fit, and maybe you did in a lot of ways, but not in some others. It doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong. Would you have wanted her to stay and be miserable all the time because she's longing for something that the two of you don't have, even if everything you want is there? I wouldn't, and I wouldn't ask for the same from my ex. I want her to be free and find what makes her feel the best.

[Sad26]

Thanks for all the replies. I know there are many of us who have been treated similarly and this is cruel.

 

I can't believe that someone who pretended to be so close, can't give something as simple as one opportunity to talk. Why did we ever fell in love with someone like these people ?

[Light Breeze]

I can't believe that someone who pretended to be so close, can't give something as simple as one opportunity to talk. Why did we ever fell in love with someone like these people ?

 

I learned from this forum that apparently some dumpers do this for the benefit of the dumpee i.e. so he/she can move on faster w/o baggage. Personally, I think it's BS, imo people who do this are cowards who are unable to treat someone they loved with respect and compassion. All of us have their own moral compass on how to handle things. I choose the honorable way out.

 

So stay strong and be at peace with yourself.

[Satu]

Thanks for all the replies. I know there are many of us who have been treated similarly and this is cruel.

 

I can't believe that someone who pretended to be so close, can't give something as simple as one opportunity to talk. Why did we ever fell in love with someone like these people ?

 

It's possible that this might be relevant, but it also might not.

[Sad26]

Satu,

 

I read the article pointed by you and it still seems to be unfair. It the limerent person who has the fun and moves on,and the one who is truly in love has to face the despair. The only way then to secure ourselves is to never love anyone. Well we say that and keep falling in love. Sad!

[Sad26]

I learned from this forum that apparently some dumpers do this for the benefit of the dumpee i.e. so he/she can move on faster w/o baggage. Personally, I think it's BS, imo people who do this are cowards who are unable to treat someone they loved with respect and compassion. All of us have their own moral compass on how to handle things. I choose the honorable way out.

 

So stay strong and be at peace with yourself.

 

Yes, I feel that everyone should treat others decently even in breakup. If you would read my story and other stories in this thread, there was not even proper dumper-dumpee initiation. It was just one text and that's all !

[Lemonsandpears]

It's the complete contradiction of the person I knew (or thought I knew) compared to this cold, silent one now that really gets to me.

I know for a fact that he's a good person - very involved in humanitarian causes etc, always a very tolerant and respectful person. Yet to me, the person he supposedly loved and cared for at one point, he can't even give me the decency of a reply. He must know I'm in a world of pain.

[Sad26]

L&P,

 

I think the best summary of the situation was given by dyna in her post. I am pasting it here

". I've thought about how I'd rather him have been mean and said something like, 'get over it, leave me alone! don't text me again' or something. Basically, anything over silence... b/c it seems so unfinished... yet it's finished... I don't get it. I want to talk to him too. I wish he hadn't done this. I've cried so many tears. For what? Someone who doesn't give a damn. Not the slightest damn. It's messed up. To him, I don't exist. Wiped off the map, just like that."

 

They know you are in a pain, but they don't the courage to care. Was watching a movie "Detachment", a line in there

 

- anyone can become selfish, or careless, but it takes courage and character to care-

 

They don't have the courage to care for the person, and they choose the easy way out. There is no kindness and humanity, and sad part is that these are the people who will always be happy in this world.

 

In a normal world scenario, there will be equitable distribution of misery and happiness, but if you rig the game (- by being selfish, deceitful, liar) then you will increase the odds of always be the one to hurt others and not get hurt(perpetual happiness)

 

I am so sad today, and worse this weariness always hit on the weekends, when I have more time to brood. Yesterday I got to know that the girl, who didn't have 5 minutes for me is already going out with a new guy. She is happy, and I am sad.

[dyna85]

L&P: I hear ya. They have to know it's causing us pain. That thought actually makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

Sad: I know what you mean about uneven distribution. Sure seems that way. We're left holding the pain while the person to whom we gave our love marches along, seemingly into the sunset.

 

It's true that it takes courage and character to care. Gotta be able to handle the immense let down and disappointment when it doesn't work out and/or goes really really awry. And then to be bold enough to keep going, in spite of the pain and heartache.

 

Weekends are hard for me too. Too much time to think.

[Jet Lag]

L&P, so true. I've thought about how I'd rather him have been mean and said something like, 'get over it, leave me alone! don't text me again' or something. Basically, anything over silence... b/c it seems so unfinished... yet it's finished... I don't get it. I want to talk to him too. I wish he hadn't done this. I've cried so many tears. For what? Someone who doesn't give a damn. Not the slightest damn. It's messed up. To him, I don't exist. Wiped off the map, just like that.

 

I've never cared so much for someone who truly truly didn't care.

 

I waver between angry and understanding. I think I'm still in denial to some extent.

 

Don't understand why I still feel for someone who hurt me so bad though.

 

How long has it been for you?

 

I ended via message...but I didn't really end it...well...

 

He had told me he needed to see other people for his self esteem. I couldn't continue on the basis so ended it but I cry and cry and cry every day.

 

He texted me "Hey. Happy birthday. X" which I did ignore...from all the advice here. It went against my grain but I did it. If I had responded and got nothing else (which probably would have happened) it would have been so much worse.

 

Too much since the breakup seems to be advice that doesn't ring true to my heart. Makes it hard.