Knocking them off the pedestal

[kenmore]

Crossing the six month mark of separation soon, and I'm finally starting to see how big of a pedestal I put my wife on.

 

To me she was the most beautiful woman I knew (not true, but she is very beautiful.) The only one who turned me on (because she was what I was used to.) The most compatible woman I could hope for (because we both formed our lives around each other.)

 

I'm not going to say it was one sided, I know that's not true, but I'm concerned with my coping skills now, not hers. What I'm fighting hard to do is break out of the idealization of our marriage. To realize that seven years ago I hadn't even met her. To understand that she's not perfect, she's a woman I fell in love with, but now she doesn't want it anymore and I have to "let it go!"

 

To get myself out of the feeling that I'm at a disadvantage. That even though she's ending it and even though she had the upper hand our entire marriage (my career ended one month before we married) that I'm not useless. That I do matter and that I can make someone special very happy!

 

I'm convinced it's a matter of will and have been trying very hard to make it so. I felt I wanted to post this, however, because I know misery loves company and many of you must feel the same way. I think that after hearing some replies, it will give me some extra strength to just think I can let her go and still be happy! Hopefully, it will do the same for fellow posters.

 

I just really want to place her where she belongs: on a level playing field. Not out of reach, but right there where I can look into her eyes and say "we're done". To not feel I "need" her anymore. To go deeper in debt to rent a storage unit and get my stuff out of her house just to have some f**cking dignity!

 

I don't hate her. I hope I never do. I'm aiming for indifference and it's a narrow target. The last thing I want to do is go through life hating someone I used to love, but the second last is to pine for her. Maybe that's backward, I don't know. All I know is I need a future and it looks like it will be with someone I haven't met yet. I can only hope she will be kind, caring, beautiful and will stick with me to the end!

 

Ken

[ralfgarnett]

Crossing the six month mark of separation soon, and I'm finally starting to see how big of a pedestal I put my wife on.

 

To me she was the most beautiful woman I knew (not true, but she is very beautiful.) The only one who turned me on (because she was what I was used to.) The most compatible woman I could hope for (because we both formed our lives around each other.)

 

I'm not going to say it was one sided, I know that's not true, but I'm concerned with my coping skills now, not hers. What I'm fighting hard to do is break out of the idealization of our marriage. To realize that seven years ago I hadn't even met her. To understand that she's not perfect, she's a woman I fell in love with, but now she doesn't want it anymore and I have to "let it go!"

 

To get myself out of the feeling that I'm at a disadvantage. That even though she's ending it and even though she had the upper hand our entire marriage (my career ended one month before we married) that I'm not useless. That I do matter and that I can make someone special very happy!

 

I'm convinced it's a matter of will and have been trying very hard to make it so. I felt I wanted to post this, however, because I know misery loves company and many of you must feel the same way. I think that after hearing some replies, it will give me some extra strength to just think I can let her go and still be happy! Hopefully, it will do the same for fellow posters.

 

I just really want to place her where she belongs: on a level playing field. Not out of reach, but right there where I can look into her eyes and say "we're done". To not feel I "need" her anymore. To go deeper in debt to rent a storage unit and get my stuff out of her house just to have some f**cking dignity!

 

I don't hate her. I hope I never do. I'm aiming for indifference and it's a narrow target. The last thing I want to do is go through life hating someone I used to love, but the second last is to pine for her. Maybe that's backward, I don't know. All I know is I need a future and it looks like it will be with someone I haven't met yet. I can only hope she will be kind, caring, beautiful and will stick with me to the end!

 

Ken

 

So much of what you say rings true with me and I have been thinking almost the same sort of things, we will of been married 18 years this coming June but now I don't recognise a fraction of the woman that I have spent 19.5 years with and I too have begun to realise that I have placed her on a pedestal that she now no longer belongs on, lets evolve this discussion as I think it will be worthwhile, I look forward to hearing from you, btw please ask any questions you want I don't mind answering I need to get it all out of my system.

Edited January 5, 2015 by ralfgarnett

[kenmore]

So much of what you say rings true with me and I have been thinking almost the same sort of things, we will of been married 18 years this coming June but now I don't recognise a fraction of the woman that I have spent 19.5 years with and I too have begun to realise that I have placed her on a pedestal that she now no longer belongs on, lets evolve this discussion as I think it will be worthwhile, I look forward to hearing from you, btw please ask any questions you want I don't mind answering I need to get it all out of my system.

 

I do have some questions:

 

When you say you don't recognize the woman you have spent so much time with, what happened? Did she or you change? I feel the same, and I feel she changed.

 

To be fair, and I have thought way too much about it, her change was partially my fault. Since I lost my career just before we got married (which though not my fault, was not hers either), it put us in a bad place. I couldn't get good work and it just grated on her. Looking back and empathizing, I can see why. I even disgust myself now, though I did try.

 

Also, do you still find yourself thinking about the "dating" days? Did those seem so magical that marriage seemed routine in comparison? Do you think you began the pedestal then?

 

I really want to do two things in the future: I want to make sure I don't do this again (though it may be to a degree part of any relationship), and at the same time, figure out how to have a great relationship without being distant. While worshiping the ground she walked on (not completely) made me feel so close to her, I want that feeling of closeness without having to think she's "all that".

 

Finally, do you think she puts you on a pedestal? One thing I seem to find here is that so many people feel they are the underlings. The ones who are doing badly, while their spouse seems to be doing fine, and the one thing we all have in common is none of us know what's going on in their heads. Don't you also feel they must be going through the same emotions and feelings? Maybe they are more firm in their commitment to end it, but maybe that doesn't make them more "together" either.

[ralfgarnett]

I do have some questions:

 

When you say you don't recognize the woman you have spent so much time with, what happened? Did she or you change? I feel the same, and I feel she changed.

 

I mean I barely recognise her now attitude wise, she is almost like a stranger to me, when we were together she was fun and loving but now she is almost business like and has done things that are out of charcter but maybe im very sensitive right now, also her manners seem to have deserted her yet she was always really well mannered to everyone not just me.

 

To be fair, and I have thought way too much about it, her change was partially my fault. Since I lost my career just before we got married (which though not my fault, was not hers either), it put us in a bad place. I couldn't get good work and it just grated on her. Looking back and empathizing, I can see why. I even disgust myself now, though I did try.

 

Also, do you still find yourself thinking about the "dating" days? Did those seem so magical that marriage seemed routine in comparison? Do you think you began the pedestal then?

 

Since she left I have thought more about the dating days but when she was here I was just happy and content to be in year 17 of my marriage looking forward to the rest of our lives together, now and then we would talk about how we met but we didn't dwell there too much we just lived for today, I wish now we had talked more about our dating days as it might of done some good but we weren't unhappy togthether we spent a lot of time together including 4 / 5 quality holidays a year around Europe and enjoyed every minute of them.

 

I really want to do two things in the future: I want to make sure I don't do this again (though it may be to a degree part of any relationship), and at the same time, figure out how to have a great relationship without being distant. While worshiping the ground she walked on (not completely) made me feel so close to her, I want that feeling of closeness without having to think she's "all that".

 

Finally, do you think she puts you on a pedestal?

at one time yes and I loved it if only it was like that now.

 

 

One thing I seem to find here is that so many people feel they are the underlings. The ones who are doing badly, while their spouse seems to be doing fine, and the one thing we all have in common is none of us know what's going on in their heads.

agreed if only we knew but we don't, I do know that my WS is suffering with certain stress related issues but right now its not my problem and after what her destructive actions have done to me I don't really care right now what happens to her

 

 

Don't you also feel they must be going through the same emotions and feelings?

no I don't feel that, I honestly think that no matter how much they loved maybe still love us that they now love themselves more and are more concerned with their own welfare and also more focused on justifying their actions to anyone but mostly to themselves, imo they will say or do anything at all in order to justify the destruction they have caused regardless if they regret it or not or even if they may realise that they have done the wrong thing for themselves.

 

 

Maybe they are more firm in their commitment to end it, but maybe that doesn't make them more "together" either.

I would agree with that, my WS is far from together in her actions, the real sad thing about all this is that it could of been avoided yet she said nothing just panicked and legged it, even after the first few weeks it could easily of been repaired as there was nothing that couldn't of been put right, however by her actions and attitude since she has driven a pointless wedge between us emotionally that might be damaging and restrictive for ever regardless if there was even a chance of reconciliation and that is something I foind hard to understand or even forgive, I hope I have answered your reply the best I can but for both our sakes keep posting as we could both benefit from the dialogue.

[kenmore]

I would agree with that, my WS is far from together in her actions, the real sad thing about all this is that it could of been avoided yet she said nothing just panicked and legged it, even after the first few weeks it could easily of been repaired as there was nothing that couldn't of been put right, however by her actions and attitude since she has driven a pointless wedge between us emotionally that might be damaging and restrictive for ever regardless if there was even a chance of reconciliation and that is something I foind hard to understand or even forgive, I hope I have answered your reply the best I can but for both our sakes keep posting as we could both benefit from the dialogue.

 

Yes, we seem to be thinking the same things! My wife has confessed to me several things that cause me to believe she is not functioning well. She told me her boss told her to get therapy or lose her job. She had to replace her pillows because of crying into them so much. Last time I saw her (Christmas eve) she confessed her place is a mess in so many ways because she can't keep up.

 

I wish I knew why she's doing this. As you said, after she kicked me out in July because she didn't want to "support me" anymore, I knew eventually that it was the right thing for both of us, but we didn't need to end our marriage. All I wanted from her was to give me time to get my s**t together, prove I can be my own person, and work it out with her (counseling a big reset.) There was nothing that couldn't have been made right, and we could have began a better stage of our relationship than we had ever had before.

 

But now the "wedge" is there as you say. I don't know that I could ever truly be happy with her again even if we were to somehow work it out. I will always know she abandoned me at a pivotal time in my life.

 

I am finding it so hard to grasp my emotions regarding this. While I am starting to look forward to the end and am trying to get a grip on my thoughts, feelings and life, part of me still goes to her and I can't shake it! Why am I still idealizing her? Sure she has many great attributes, but so do so many people, myself included. And I know she's suffering too. She could have just stopped it, but she would rather suffer and see it through. That's what I don't get. If she was happy it was ending, then sure, but if she's as miserable as me, why? then, I start to think it's because she has a real inner strength, which puts her back on the pedestal. Ultimately though, that's not pedestal worthy because she's hurting herself as much as she's hurting me.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Ken, there is a big difference between inner strength and blind stupidity and pointless stubbornness, yes I agree that bouth our wives are struggling but do you honestly care ?, I know that right now I don't care and if anything I wish her nothing but bad wishes for the s--t she has put me through, I don't like saying this because we were very close but I want her to suffer as I am, why should they just walk away without any consequences to themselves, my wife is suffering panic attacks, IBS, and hair loss all stress related and I think good she deserves that, I am, not proud of feeling like that but its her fault so she must live with it, if I sound angry its because sometimes I feel angry for the avoidable pain and constant heartache she has caused me, it didn't have to be like this it could and should of been so very different but as ever she stuck her head in the sand and did nothing apart from be stubborn and refuse dialogue back in July, she didn't even give us chance to talk she just ran off and after 2 weeks decided she wasn't coming back without even giving me a chance to talk about it, that makes me very angry because she has made a decision about my life my future without involving me and nobody should be allowed to do that, because of her im depressed and on meds, im in therapy, im scared, lonely, socially isolated, and swirling around in a pool of grief and confusion for no good reason, as always I have been thinking about her this morning I rarely think of much else but the more I type the more I think that right now she isn't worth bothering with and that I should be focused on looking after myself my kiuttys and my home, its difficult because I much preferred being a couple and thinking as one half of a couple, she has taken away my dreams, security, happiness, and right now my future, as far as im concerned she can stick her pedestal where the sun doesn't shine for what she has done to me.

[kenmore]

Wow ralfgarnett, that must have felt good!

 

I hear you loud and clear! I still have strong feelings of love for my wife but the more she cuts me down, tries to make me feel completely at fault and says hurtful things, the more I wish her bad things.

 

I wrote her this evening after string of hurtful emails from her with her trying to blame everything on me from trying to take her house to deliberately damaging her credit and of course for the demise of our relationship. I told her to stop blaming me and look inside herself to realize our problem is due to her upbringing by her abusive father, the fact that she can't look into the future but insists on dwelling in the past, that she's in denial and that she feels guilty and damned well should!

 

Obviously I don't know what's going on in her head entirely, but a good look at those emails sure tells me some things and I'm not stupid!

 

She has had the nerve to tell me on at least ten occasions now to either "call her when I get on my feet, call her when I make $40,000, call her in five years" etc. She told me she is not even sure she wants a divorce. Looking at it, it's all as Yas says, and she's trying to work me. I'm sick of it so I told her so.

 

She will be pissed but I'm done caring. I'm on my way to a new life and she's not in it anymore. Meanwhile she's stuck in therapy crying to her therapist about how I damaged her life so much and how all of her problems are my fault (or her father's or her exes, or some other man.) I told her to get her ass out of the past, quit wasting her therapists time and her money since it's not fixable, and to think about the future!

 

It was purging and felt good. I hope you felt the same satisfaction posting that yesterday.

 

Ken

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Ken I was peed off whem I wrote that, for now im feeling more relaxed, must admit though even when I went out earlier I was still thinking about her when does this all end ?, do you think they feel bad too ?

[kenmore]

I don't suppose it has an end. Just a half-life. It will just continue to be half as painful every few months but never be completely gone.

 

I truly do think they are hurting too. Whether as much may be hard to say. Of course my wife "says" she's doing fine, is happiest alone and just doesn't want any relationship anymore, but I say things too and they are not always how I'm truly feeling inside. Even here I can post a confident and strong post only to realize later that I'm still really pretty down.

 

Nobody is bulletproof. We all have our moods, our ups and downs. I'm hoping that now that I'm feeling down, I can turn that into a positive by knowing an up is on the way!

[ralfgarnett]

I don't suppose it has an end. Just a half-life. It will just continue to be half as painful every few months but never be completely gone.

 

I truly do think they are hurting too. Whether as much may be hard to say. Of course my wife "says" she's doing fine, is happiest alone and just doesn't want any relationship anymore, but I say things too and they are not always how I'm truly feeling inside. Even here I can post a confident and strong post only to realize later that I'm still really pretty down.

 

Nobody is bulletproof. We all have our moods, our ups and downs. I'm hoping that now that I'm feeling down, I can turn that into a positive by knowing an up is on the way!

 

 

I agree with you Ken, I know for certain that my wife is not in a good place, she is suffering with stress, panic attacks, IBS, and hair loss, all anxiety related, she has also had 2 chest infections recently so her immunities are obviously low, do I feel sorry for her ?, not one flaming bit she has brought it on herself and what goes around comes around, divine intervention if you will, I,m not proud to feel like this, when she was here I would of done anything for her in fact I have done more than most husebands might ever do when her back went, but she was in a really bad way with that I was worried sick about her, I really loved my wife soooo very much and right now I'm not sure if I do any more, I honestly don't know if I love her now yet I really worshipped the ground she stood on, but at the time she deserved all my affection because she was a fabulous wife and I couldn't of asked for better, but she has ruined all that now and my perception of her has for now changed, I am above anything very disappointed in her as I feel she has let everyone down, not just me and the kittys, but my late mum and dad, her late dad and even her mum who had originally been harbouring her, harbouring a word often associated with criminality, but sshe is now a criminial, she has commited cimes against my heart and I cant accept that, oh and yes they will all say they are doing fine, we both know they are lying because they will say or do almost anything to justify their sorry actions, I just really hope they suffer guilt and pain for the rest of their lives for what they have put and are putting us through, all we have done with and for them and they treat us like this, we deserve better Ken we really do, and I hope and pray that we get that very very soon mate, I also hope and prey that they rot in hell and suffer badly for their actions.

[kenmore]

Actually I wish I could feel as you do. I have tried to make myself hate her and to feel the proper contempt. I just can't seem to.

 

The only thing I have been successful in being is disappointed in her and the flippant way she's throwing our marriage away. I realize that irreparable emotional damage is being done. I have been angry about that and wonder how she could act like she is, but I have not been able to hate her for it.

 

We both definitely deserve better though, no question! If someone is willing to put every ounce of love they have into a relationship, they deserve to get the same back. If they are kind and considerate, they deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, not just tossed aside.

 

I too am looking forward to us being able to find women who will give what they get, at least to some degree. I hope you will find peace within soon. I can tell you are a very good man!

 

Ken

[sober and dry]

As soon as I got to see my ex for what she demonstrated at the end, rationalized it and toke this new image to the bigger perspective, I immediately knocked her off the pedestal to ground level were she belong and I don't.

That was the trick for me.

[ralfgarnett]

Actually I wish I could feel as you do. I have tried to make myself hate her and to feel the proper contempt. I just can't seem to.

 

The only thing I have been successful in being is disappointed in her and the flippant way she's throwing our marriage away. I realize that irreparable emotional damage is being done. I have been angry about that and wonder how she could act like she is, but I have not been able to hate her for it.

 

We both definitely deserve better though, no question! If someone is willing to put every ounce of love they have into a relationship, they deserve to get the same back. If they are kind and considerate, they deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, not just tossed aside.

 

I too am looking forward to us being able to find women who will give what they get, at least to some degree. I hope you will find peace within soon. I can tell you are a very good man!

 

Ken

 

 

Hi Ken I think I must give the impression of not liking my wife which is not the case, in our years together we were very very compatable and very rarely fell out or disagreed over anything really, this is part of my problem with her now as far as I was concerned there were no problems and we got on just fine, no arguing, no falling outs, not ill feelings just a comfortable and peaceful life which was very enjoyable and pleasant, the night before she left we were messing about playing football with ping pong ball and she was laughing her head off, we went to be that night as normal and held hands as we fell asleep, I remember it like it was yesterday, we were happy but somewhere along the line she became lost and dissolusioned with everything herself included, so now I feel pretty peed off with her because as you and I have discussed she has put the wedge in where it was not needed, so yes im ruddy angry with her for that but I never let it show to her in any way, the only place I vent is here I don't even think she knows im peed but im sure she could guess, I feel let down by her she has betrayed my trust and good nature, today she emailed me very politely stating that she wants to arrange picking up her gear and dividing whats hers and mine etc, so I guess shes not coming back any time soon, thing is I don't know what shes thinking or planning, for all I know she might be hurting as I am, she might really miss me but wont let her guard down to let me know which is stupid but not uncommon with her, I do know one thing she wont ever find anyone as caring, loving, and compatable as me but neither will I and that hurts like mad as we had it all yet she threw it away, but what can you do ?, if someone is broken and lost only they can mend themselves and put things right.

[kenmore]

Hi ralfgarnett (should I call you Ralf?)

 

A really big day for me today concerning this thread. First though, I'd prefer to talk about what you said.

 

I did not realize the history of your breakup and that seems so horrible, to be feeling so happy one day and then broken up the next! I'm so sorry. For me, though my wife did give hints of being unhappy, she also gave hints of being very happy so I assumed the relationship was ok (optimistic on my part.) I guess she's a mixed signal person all the time. Perhaps she's simply mixed up. Leaning toward not caring anymore.

 

I thought we were doing well enough and we were on a cruise when she told me (half way though it) "when we get home, you have to move out". I thought she was kidding. at the time we were bar hopping on the ship and we had both had plenty, so I figured it was just her blowing off some steam, but reality, she had drunken enough to get the courage.

 

Sorry, I was supposed to be talking about you lol.

 

In a way I was though, because as you can tell, our stories mimic each other.

 

So, back to Christmas eve night. I saw my wife for the first time since early Sep. I thought she looked so beautiful and so hot! She seemed so friendly and she said to me that she wasn't even sure she wants a divorce, but her lawyer told her it would cost her twice as much if she only filed for separation and filed for divorce later, which is true. I believed that and that gave me an inkling of hope, which is only bad. I knew that too.

 

But then, she also asked me if I would sign a refinance of her home. Thus the motive...

 

She couldn't figure out why I would need to sign a refi of her home since it is in her name and her name is the only one on the mortgage as well. I simply mentioned it was probably because it's community property.

 

So tonight when I went to sign (after getting an OK from my lawyer earlier), all she could do was accuse me of trying to rip her off.

 

Though she was dressed nicely, I saw her flaws much more than I did Christmas eve. She's still pretty overweight, has hunched shoulders, her hair was not as pretty, and she had this crappy look on her face all evening while she was telling me how I don't deserve any part of her house (even though I have never said anything about wanting any part of it, and even telling her many times I'm not asking for any part of it), right in front of the notary!

 

It was totally embarrassing more for her than me. The notary was right there trying to get the papers signed and all my wife could do was fight with me about how I was trying to steal her house, how she will end up having to get an apartment and how crappy I am for stealing from her, all the while with a particularly ugly look on her face and in clothes which didn't flatter her at all. I said "now is not the time, not in front of her" and her reply was "she's ok with it, let's finish this now."

 

So, goodbye pedestal as of 5:30 pm pacific time, Jan 12. 2015. Wow! I later ended up telling my wife she was incredibly rude and owed us both an apology, especially since we were only there for her benefit, and all she could say was she's tired and needs to get some sleep.

 

It was a HUGE reminder of how she "is" not just every now and then, but often! She only looks out for herself, is not physically a great prize, and can be abusive. As I was watching all of this, the thoughts that kept going through my mind were "what do I see in her?" Answer, not nearly as much now!

 

I knew going in (I thought about this Sat evening) that I would need to see some things in her tonight that are not perfect, beautiful nor loving, and she treated me to a basket-full! I'm on my new life's path, and this is a huge gift!!! Finally the relief I needed.

 

So, back to you (sorry), I hope you can have the gift I had tonight. I hope someday soon you can get handed to you a good reason to realize your wife isn't "all that" and you have been seeing her through google eyes. I hope you will get it in the face (and believe me, the old "I want our stuff to be apart" thing hurts. On my way out, my wife handed me a box of the last of my bathroom stuff.) and really have it hit home like it did for me tonight.

 

It was a big night for me. I truly hope this changes things in my head as they should be, and I wish the same for you my good friend! I feel we have bonded here since we have obviously had similar experiences.

 

Ken

Edited January 13, 2015 by kenmore

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Ken you can call me what ever you want mate as neither is my real name, I can of course see your point about your new perceptions of your wife, my view is slightly different and I think this is due to the way my wife and I parted, you see we had just got back from a brilliant holiday in which we had a fabulous time and had just booked another one which we were planning for and looking forward to, if you have read my thread then you have seen how sudden it all was and in some ways I have been in total shock and I think that is one of the reasons I have perceived her in a different light, that is now changing but it hurts as we were very very loving and close, I don't like her attitude at the moment and I don't like the front she is putting up, she is bottling up problems for her self which is one of the reasons for her MLC but that's her problem she will either stand or fall but right now I don't care either way as I don't like her very much at the moment, I hope something really nasty happens to her and it makes her realise what comes around goes around, I agree about us bonding and I am very happy to talk with you and look forward to continuing our dialogue with a view to being able to help each other through.

[kenmore]

Yeah, you see, this is what I need, some male bonding.

 

I think one of the problems I had been having is not only did I live "in my own world" to an extent while I was designing electronics, but when we closed the business down, I was even more alone being self employed. My wife was just about the only person I spent any time with. I think that bond has made this tougher too.

 

I have created a new life for myself now where I will be forced to get out there: insurance sales! I can't very well do that alone, and just the time I have spent in the last couple of week around my new colleagues has changed me. I'm really looking forward to working with new people, getting myself out there and becoming me.

 

I have gone through several periods in my life where I was all alone, and with many people. I like both, but I definitely see a difference in myself and how I react to people when I'm in a more extroverted role.

 

I'm beginning to see that a huge reason for the pedestal in the first place is that she was my main link to the outside world. Sure I went out and did things, but I have never been someone to want to hang out with friends much. I have always preferred to be with my spouse. Now that I don't have one anymore, it's having a huge effect on me.

 

I just ended a long day and have a 10 hour one planned tomorrow cold calling, but I will look more into your story. If you could post a link here to the most poignant one it would be helpful. I understand what you're saying and I have heard these kinds of stories before, and I always just wonder why someone would plan things with their spouse, then end the relationship.

 

I have heard it said (and I'm sure it's true) that people don't change overnight, so she must have been thinking about it for a long time.

 

Looking into my own breakup, my wife had me build a brick wall on her property and had me sign a quitdeed of her house to her months before we broke up. It was all part of the plan, no doubt. Get what she could out of me before ending it. There was no way she was going to plan a new trip with me post-breakup when she knew it was coming.

 

Off to unwind then get some sleep. Take care my friend. sorry to end so abruptly, but I'm just beat!

 

Ken

[ralfgarnett]

Yeah, you see, this is what I need, some male bonding.

 

 

Yes me too it would be nice to do it more in person though

I think one of the problems I had been having is not only did I live "in my own world" to an extent while I was designing electronics, but when we closed the business down, I was even more alone being self employed. My wife was just about the only person I spent any time with. I think that bond has made this tougher too.

 

 

With you 100% on this I also work from home and most of my spare time was spent with her, I enjoyed every second of her company but boy am I paying the price for it now, I have never felt so lonely in my entire life as I do these days

for the pedestal in the first place is that she was my main link to the outside world. Sure I went out and did things, but I have never been someone to want to hang out with friends much. I have always preferred to be with my spouse. Now that I don't have one anymore, it's having a huge effect on me.

 

 

Me too exactly the same during our time together, before we me I had plenty of friends and we all went out a lot together I wish I had many more friends at the moment

 

I have heard it said (and I'm sure it's true) that people don't change overnight, so she must have been thinking about it for a long time.

Not so sure my wife seemed to crash pretty fast, I still think she is in MLC all things still point towards it

 

Off to unwind then get some sleep. Take care my friend. sorry to end so abruptly, but I'm just beat!

 

Ken

Ok mate keep posting I think we can help each other

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[SycamoreCircle]

The enormous stock you placed in her and on your marriage will be an important lesson to you. Will you ever feel that intensity or purity of emotion again? Sometimes I think, in love, we're like those cute thrashing puppies you see. Eventually, all that energy begins to settle and become more wizened and focused. It's a bittersweet development.

 

We don't get to be free. But we do get to learn.

[ralfgarnett]

" Will you ever feel that intensity or purity of emotion again?"

 

 

At this stage of my life the answer is a definite NO, and I will never marry again and I honestly don't ever think I could love anyone nearly as much as my WS if even any where close to the love I had / possibly have for her, I would welcome some nice female friendship but purely on a platonic level, somebody to go out for dinner with or nice walks but most certainly no rumpy pumpy been there done that and at the moment not even slightly interested in the slightest possible sense of the phrase.

Edited January 14, 2015 by ralfgarnett

[kenmore]

...but most certainly no rumpy pumpy been there done that and at the moment not even slightly interested in the slightest possible sense of the phrase.

 

I have been thinking that same thing as well, but I told my wife months ago (when she said maybe we can be together again in several years) that I will be moving on. Half the reason I said it was because I wanted her to know I won't be "waiting around" for her, and the other reason I said it was because that's what I wanted to believe.

 

Since our breakup, I have looked at women both online (match.com) and just around me, and I hadn't had any inkling of desire to try a relationship. I just wanted my wife. That's what she threw away: my undivided love.

 

Lately though, things are changing, and I'm feeling less and less that I want my wife anymore, and am finding myself more open to the idea of being with someone new. Self fulfilled prophecy coming into being...

 

I suspect you too will feel that way with time. Time changes everything. I saw in another thread how you said just a year ago you were so happy. Ditto. But, if that can change in a year, it can change the other way too. Try to look forward to a time (possibly less than a year) when your heart can open up again, maybe you do find a lovely female friend, and things don't look bleak anymore. It may take some time, but it's inevitable.

 

Ken

[ralfgarnett]

Morning Ken the wayi feel at the moment I honestly feel as though it is far from inevitable, she was my best friend too and we were very very compatible in almost every possible way, even on holiday she is not the sort of girl to lay around the pool or beach, instead we would go out walking country lanes and historical sites in the Mediteranian and seeing sites including quite a few trips rummaging round the battlefields of WW1 in Flanders and Northern France come rain hail or shine and she loved that kind of thing, nope she is a hard act to follow mate she really is but then again so am I, I would like female friends to go out for dinner and walks with but it looks like I will have to pursue our interests alone which saddens me greatly, as I said we were very compatable more than anyone else I have ever known.

[kenmore]

I totally understand what you say my friend. I do feel the same way too. Here's my thing:

 

Our (yours and mine) situations are different in one huge way; I am creating a whole new life for myself. New living quarters, no family (we're the same there), new career, a complete 180 on my social situation (now constantly dealing with people rather than being alone), and what is actually seeing me through this (I thought about this while stuck in traffic tonight) is that I have no time to think about her.

 

Seriously, what has made the difference is the complete lack of time to give a crap. While stuck in traffic, of course my thoughts went to her and what should be and what isn't, but I was able to stop because it is starting to be too long since I gave those thoughts much consideration, and I have so much to think about in my new career (marketing, performance requirements, putting myself "out there", making sure I don't screw up, making sure I make damned good money!)

 

In other words, it's amazing what a really good distraction can do for you!

 

Of course I still remember the walks, the loving, the sex, the fondness and all of the things that made it so special, but I'm able to put less emphasis on it now and to put it out of my head because I have much bigger fish to fry. In other words, my life!

 

I suggest a distraction if you can find one. I know how hard that is, and I wouldn't have chosen mine if it were only for that reason, but I had to and it really truly has helped! I understand the lack of motivation and drive, but you need something to get your mind elsewhere. I can only hope I can keep the distance there, because if I didn't, I know I'd end up hating my wife too, and I have decided I don't want that.

 

Tomorrow I file my response to her dissolution. I know that will open a new can of worms, but I'm determined not to let any of this personal stuff distract me from my new work. My new work is the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW and I must remember that! It almost pains me that I have to give her that much attention, I'd rather be cold calling people, and trust me, that sucks!

 

At least I'll be getting a haircut tomorrow too, so it won't be a complete waste of the day

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Ken how did things go over the weekend ?, also I don't hate my wife if anything I actually feel sorry for her that she had become so emotionally stunted that she couldn't of told me she was having problems, however I am also extremely disappointed in her as not only has she devastated me she has let everyone down including my late parents and in my opinion her late father too, he was so proud of giving her away on our wedding day and I don't think he would like his death being used as one of her reasons for walking out of our marriage that was always so sacred to both of us, must admit Ken not feeling to good today, its cold dark and miserable here in the uk on this very bleak Monday, I have some work to do but am struggling to get motivated to do anything, I am looking forward to spring when the nights get brighter hopefully that will improve my mindset too, as you know I am seeing a counsellor once a week and that is useful, but I have also been refered for CBT by my GP as he thinks it could help my depression, I hope so because I feel very low in mood a lot of the time, normally at this time of year we would be planning our February holiday but not even got that to look forward to so all in all its a pretty bleak Monday here in blighty.

[kenmore]

Hi Ralph (I'll just call you that because you said it was ok lol.) My weekend was pretty sucky, but thanks for asking. I was delighted when my wife contacted me Sat afternoon to ask how I am and how my new career is going. It was almost as if she gave a sh*t. As the convo went on, it became apparent she was only talking to me to see if I'm making money yet and to ask me to get on with the disclosures because she's worried about her house.

 

Now I'll tell you that even though I had my money problems, I was NEVER dishonest. I never took anything that doesn't belong to me and would even give back money that was given to me by accident by a cashier. My wife should know this since...well...we were MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS!

 

I kept telling her not to worry, that I'm not going to try to get her house, but she got more and more angry, and ended up "thanking me" for forcing her to move to an apartment and take away her daughter's college fund. I ended up turning off my phone because I was trying to work. Somehow my concentration was blown after all of that.

 

The only good things about this weekend were that I made a decision that cold calling simply isn't worth the time it takes, and decided to really do nothing Sunday, since I have not taken a day off in months.

 

Needless to say I have not been feeling good either, so I completely know how you feel. You mention disappointment; that's what I feel too. My wife tells me that she feels disappointment because since I didn't figure out how to make good money (between all of the chores expected of me every day) while we were married, I let her down "as a man". I can accept that, I let myself down as a man too, but from my perspective she's letting me down as a wife by ending our marriage just because things are tough right now. That's where my disappointment comes from! I feel two people who make vows and commit to one another should stick to each other through thick and thin, with the exception of some total deal breakers. I don't consider not being able to find a job one of those deal breakers, but I guess that's just a perspective.

 

Anyway, it's nice hearing from you. I was reading that thread about how strange it is that lovers become strangers after a breakup and was thinking the exact same thing you wrote before I had read it. It was so sad to read! After I read your post (on page 1 of 3), I just clicked out of it. I don't need to make myself sadder.

 

Take care, I hope you feel better soon, and please let me know if meds help you. I'm considering them too!

 

Ken

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Ken sorry to hear you had such a tough weekend mate, with regards meds I don't know how I would be without them, I am now on mirtazapine which I take at nights as that is an anti depressant that also helps with sleep, luckily sleep hasn't been too much of a problem for me as by the time I get to bed I have had a couple of stiff ones but I am that mentally tired that I usually just zonk out, that said I woke at 6-30 am and started ruminatioing over the situation almost to the point of having a panic attack in bed and its not nice, I just wonder when or if I start feeling better, im getting fed up with being so low in mood I just want to start feeling better I hate feeling like this its sould destroying and mentally exhausting to keep having these feelings going round and round in my head, we deserve better Ken and I will pray for both of us next time im in church.