KansasChica Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 2 weeks ago, I left my ex of 2 years. I had posted about him on this forum several times... it was push/pull; an emotional roller coaster. He would give me hope about the future, tell me we were on the same page, and then get very distant. I think I stayed for as long as I did, because of the hope. Hope that things would get better- if we could just get to a milestone. If we could just get engaged/get married, he'd stop being so ambiguous about me. I would be "the One". I know it sounds silly even writing, but that's what I hoped. Finally, after almost 2 years together, and the fact he STILL couldn't determine if I was the right woman for him, I had had enough and ended it. He didn't really argue or fight for me. He let me go. I struggle even now with my decision. There were times when he definitely tried to meet my needs- he was so much more self-reliant. But most of the time I felt like he didn't value me. My anxiety surged with this relationship. He liked to be on his own. I struggle trying to make sense- trying to determine if he was just immature, a commitmentphobe, or maybe he just "wasnt that into me" despite saying how much he loved me. Why couldn't I have left sooner? Why did I have so much hope? I'm 33 now and I want to get married and start a family, but now I just feel so down. I put so much of my heart in this relationship. How can I fall in love again so soon? Sorry for the ramble... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I know it sounds silly even writing, but that's what I hoped. No it doesn't. These kind of relationships are extremely addicting as you constantly try to find the person you first have met. But I guess he never entirely returned to that person again, right? I struggle trying to make sense- trying to determine if he was just immature, a commitmentphobe, or maybe he just "wasnt that into me" despite saying how much he loved me. Have your ever tested your attachment style? See: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships I just feel so down. I put so much of my heart in this relationship. How can I fall in love again so soon? You showed a lot of strength stopping this relation. Take some time,you will get there. You still have some years and a lot of positive things can happen the coming years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Hi KansasChick Sorry you are going through heartache right now. I empathise totally, the last 2 relationships for me were with men like this, who were unable to make a commitment. The only difference is that you were brave enough to walk away. I clung on hoping they would change but both times they ended it with me, ' unable to give me what I wanted.' I feel for you as well around your ex makinig you feel all the more anxious, I was the same too, it's part of the 'game'/mind games they play. They will not change unless they have therapy. The good thing is that you left when you did.I know it is little comfort at the moment but in time you will see this as a good thing, you gave it your best and then left. You know what you wanted and that deep down your ex couldn't give it to you. Honestly, there are people who have posted on many forums with their partners for many years hoping they will change, make a commitment to be strung on for years. One thing I do not miss is the anxiety I felt waiting for my exes to respond to me, or to meet my needs which they rarely did. I would make a list of what you want in terms of a future partner. You mentioned it yourself, marriage and children.In time, after healing and you do meet someone, you will need to let them know straightaway. See it as a business transaction. If they don't want you want, you walk. Also, something a friend recently pointed out about how kind and loving they are at the beginning (and this is what i struggled with for both of my relationships).They are only showing their ' best' self not their ' true' one. This ends after the honeymoon phase and what you see after that is them. You will never get back to the heady whirlwind of false promises at the beginning. It was an illusion. When I discovered this, it made sense why all of my exes girlfriends walked out on him. Post here often and go NC.Everything is about you now and getting through this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 They are only showing their ' best' self not their ' true' one. This ends after the honeymoon phase and what you see after that is them. You will never get back to the heady whirlwind of false promises at the beginning. It was an illusion. It wasn't an illusion, but when you become very real to them they can't any-more. See: Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and ... - Marion Solomon, Stan Tatkin - Google Books page 93 below and 94. Result is the same though, unfortunately. I wish it wasn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 It wasn't an illusion, but when you become very real to them they can't any-more. See: Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and ... - Marion Solomon, Stan Tatkin - Google Books page 93 below and 94. Result is the same though, unfortunately. I wish it wasn't. Couldnt access the page. However it is still an illusion, they are NOT real, their intentions of love, marriage, babies, saying all the things you want to hear are all lies. They are not capable of doing the things they say hence why it is so devastating. One year on for me i still have not recovered, i probably wont due to many factors, repeated similar relationships, being almost 50, and totally mentally raped. I accept responsibility too, too trusting, low self esteem. That wont go away without a lot of therapy. But for the original poster she is stronger than me, she will, i believe recover. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Couldnt access the page. However it is still an illusion, they are NOT real, their intentions of love, marriage, babies, saying all the things you want to hear are all lies. They are not capable of doing the things they say hence why it is so devastating. One year on for me i still have not recovered, i probably wont due to many factors, repeated similar relationships, being almost 50, and totally mentally raped. I am really sorry to hear about your history, such relationships can be devastating. I know it is dangerous to generalize after reading some words on a screen, I of-course cant and do not want to fill in anything about your exes. in my case my ex turned out to be dismissive avoidant attached,she pushed me away when she was stressed. I guess I was lucky, although that goes against how I (still) feel about it. Shame the link did not work, perhaps it is country specific. If your still interested search on google books for the book 'Love and War in Intimate Relationships' and than "a one person psychological system" page 93. that paragraph answered for me what in 2013 puzzled me for months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KansasChica Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Couldnt access the page. However it is still an illusion, they are NOT real, their intentions of love, marriage, babies, saying all the things you want to hear are all lies. They are not capable of doing the things they say hence why it is so devastating. One year on for me i still have not recovered, i probably wont due to many factors, repeated similar relationships, being almost 50, and totally mentally raped. I accept responsibility too, too trusting, low self esteem. That wont go away without a lot of therapy. But for the original poster she is stronger than me, she will, i believe recover. Thanks Bally, I'm not sure about stronger- it took a lot of my family and friends to tell me over and over that he was never going to change. I went back and looked at my old journal entries where I wrote over and over how unhappy I was and questioning why he didn't want to be around me more. Even after dumping me, begging to come back, etc. etc. My biggest worry now is if he boomerangs and tries to beg me back again- will I have the strength to say no? I only hope so. Link to post Share on other sites
Jewels7 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Keep those journals! That's one thing I wish I had more of when I left my ex. The further you get away from the relationship you will start forgetting that you were unhappy so it is good that you have those. I went back and I wrote a list of all the bad stuff that I could remember my ex doing. 8 months port BU I still have to read it when I start missing him and wanting to go back. You can be strong. You might want to make it harder for him to contact you... Block him on social media, etc. That way it is harder for you to get back in contact with him. And everything you are feeling is normal btw! I had some of the same feelings about my ex (although he had abusive tendencies as well as the not proposing after 3 years, living together, and losing a baby) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oleanderwalking Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 2 weeks ago, I left my ex of 2 years. I had posted about him on this forum several times... it was push/pull; an emotional roller coaster. He would give me hope about the future, tell me we were on the same page, and then get very distant. I think I stayed for as long as I did, because of the hope. Hope that things would get better- if we could just get to a milestone. If we could just get engaged/get married, he'd stop being so ambiguous about me. I would be "the One". I know it sounds silly even writing, but that's what I hoped. Finally, after almost 2 years together, and the fact he STILL couldn't determine if I was the right woman for him, I had had enough and ended it. He didn't really argue or fight for me. He let me go. I struggle even now with my decision. There were times when he definitely tried to meet my needs- he was so much more self-reliant. But most of the time I felt like he didn't value me. My anxiety surged with this relationship. He liked to be on his own. I struggle trying to make sense- trying to determine if he was just immature, a commitmentphobe, or maybe he just "wasnt that into me" despite saying how much he loved me. Why couldn't I have left sooner? Why did I have so much hope? I'm 33 now and I want to get married and start a family, but now I just feel so down. I put so much of my heart in this relationship. How can I fall in love again so soon? Sorry for the ramble... I'm so sorry you had to go through this.I'm dating a guy just like that now.We've been dting for 7 months and i still don't know what we are.When i get distant he talks about us getting married one day ,meeting his family,basically alot of future talk.When i fall for his words and get close he makes excuses as to why he cant see me or that hes busy and starts to get distant.I read that they commit only when you act more of a commitmentphobic! Link to post Share on other sites
Nolan 93 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Why between relationships can't people just stop playing games and think what they want. I have the mind set we are both dating to hopefully to one day maybe marry and have a life with each other. I've always been the one who means what I say, for why say marriage, kids, a life with just me and you. Just to break up and feel confused or don't want that in the end. Sadly I didn't choose to leave me current ex she left me. That's something that I would not bring up unless I can whole heartedly see myself with you till the end of time. I'm only 21 and have a good head on my shoulders, of what I want in life and I will be the right catch for the lucky lady who ever finds me haha Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Why between relationships can't people just stop playing games and think what they want. I have the mind set we are both dating to hopefully to one day maybe marry and have a life with each other. I've always been the one who means what I say, for why say marriage, kids, a life with just me and you. Just to break up and feel confused or don't want that in the end. Sadly I didn't choose to leave me current ex she left me. That's something that I would not bring up unless I can whole heartedly see myself with you till the end of time. I'm only 21 and have a good head on my shoulders, of what I want in life and I will be the right catch for the lucky lady who ever finds me haha Hi Nolan, it has to do with attachment styles, patterns learned when we were fearful when we were very young. These patterns are unconscious and even when they are conscious it is very hard to escape them as they are primary responses who appear when we feel stressed or depressed. So often dismissive-avoidant people meant what they said, but can only bare you at a distance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oneness Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Hi Nolan, it has to do with attachment styles, patterns learned when we were fearful when we were very young. These patterns are unconscious and even when they are conscious it is very hard to escape them as they are primary responses who appear when we feel stressed or depressed. So often dismissive-avoidant people meant what they said, but can only bare you at a distance. Sometimes it goes deeper then just attachment styles...sometimes they have a personality disorder. If so, you must figure out why you attarct and are attracted to toxic people, and work on yourself so you can have a healthy relationship. In the end, they won't change if they can't even see they have the problem, which is the case most of the time. But you can.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Sometimes it goes deeper then just attachment styles...sometimes they have a personality disorder. If so, you must figure out why you attarct and are attracted to toxic people, and work on yourself so you can have a healthy relationship. In the end, they won't change if they can't even see they have the problem, which is the case most of the time. But you can.... Of-course, no dispute in that. At the same time I notice we often overlook attachment and want to give people disorders to explain their behaviours. While everyone of us has attachment behaviours and almost half of us have dysfunctional ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Nolan 93 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 You both are very wise ha, idk what my current ex has lol. What kind of attachment problems, she's only 18. idk but I did notice a pattern, but all I know was I treated her right from the start and to the end. She left for the ex, so she clearly has an issue that she can't let go of. Link to post Share on other sites
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