I'm still an idiot (Updated)

[ThreeYearsDumb]

Last night the ex had my daughter call me to say good night for Christmas. I had seen her earlier in the day but let my Ex have her for most of the day so they could have the best Christmas possible. During the call my Ex said she thought of me all day and hoped I had a Merry Christmas. I took that mostly as she was feeling guilty and a little out of pity for me. This morning I wake up at 5:30 and just think all I want to do is spend the day after Christmas with my Ex and and daughter and be a family. Sure enough the Ex calls me at 9am to ask me to come sledding with them. I go and we spend the rest of the morning and all afternoon together. When my daughter goes down for her nap she asks me before I go if I am over her, over our relationship. I say no, but I'm working on it. I don't beg and plead but just answer truthfully because I don't think lying will help. She says she reiterates that she is seeing someone and says that I'm not over it because I don't want to be over it. And she's absolutely right. I would be if I wanted to be. But I don't want to be. She tells me over and over I have to move on and say I know, I am working on it. But truthfully I don't want to be. I don't want to live my life apart from her. So we left with her angry at me for not being over her. I also told her I don't think she is as over me as she says she is, which was a huge mistake but I didn't mention all the huge red flags coming from her new relationship. All in all she is right, I don't want to be over her and I still think we will be together again. I'm at my home and want to be with then cooking dinner. But she doesn't want me there. I'm tired of her push pull attitude, worried that she's going to do something drastic to hurt me to make me get over her, and today feels like another rock bottom. So I'm still an idiot.

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

shouldn't put yourself down,we all make mistakes,i have done enough of them to know that,we all want the same thing...that person who we love that person that has gone from our lives

[DenverDude]

First and foremost, screw what she is telling you. Screw her for her telling you that you should be over her. The only person who is capable of being told that you are over her, is you and you alone. Too be honest, I think you are right. I don't think she is over you at all. Who the heck asks their ex if they are over them or not?? That was just weird if you ask me. I think she is using her new fling as a band-aid and her true feelings inside are not surfacing. I am almost willing to bet my life savings that if her current fling were to leave her abruptly, she would come crawling back to you in a heartbeat. Just think about that for a second.... Stay strong. Act strong in front of her, and continue to let your emotions out privately or on this site. You are a great father and a great person. Don't let her bring you down. It sucks being alone and away from the person you truly love, but you just have to fight it as best as you can. We are here for you!!!

 

Edit: and you are NOT an idiot. What you are is someone with a huge heart.

[ThreeYearsDumb]

Thanks for the responses. I think it helps all of us to know that someone out there is listening to our rants raves and try to give honest answers. I do need to be careful calling myself names and taking it easy on myself. I tend to beat myself up more than anyone else ever could and simple things like calling myself an idiot don't help.

 

It certainly doesn't help that I think she isn't over me, or is still hurt and is pushing her feelings below the surface. We spent Christmas morning together and both of us reminded the other that we know each other better than anyone else. I just can't believe that she would call me up to spend the day together without wanting me there. And who knows how her new boyfriend would feel about it. Which is another nice issue that has come up. I can't actively declare or try to win her back when she is with someone else. I wouldnt want someone to do that to me, so I can't do that to someone else. Which is why I don't bring our relationship up, and only respond when she does, which is constantly

 

DenverDude I've been following your posts on here and hope you are finding some peace on your own journey. I know that the holidays will be a struggle but I hope you have some moments, however small, of peace along the way.

[lil hoodlum]

She wants you to be over-it-all and moving on so she doesn't have to feel guilty anymore.

[ThreeYearsDumb]

lil hoodlum you are absolutely right. She does feel guilty which she admitted to.

[Satu]

My only comment is that it's probably not a good thing to have that kind of conversation. You were hurt by it, and that's not good.

[lil hoodlum]

Yeppers!

 

She wants you to man up and soldier on as if what she has done to you hasn't wounded you to your core.

 

 

 

She should feel guilty!

[kenmore]

The mixed messages are disquieting.

 

I have been getting them all along from my wife, and the other thing she has done (whether she realizes it or not) is hurt me in small ways as often as she can.

 

It's like as soon as I think maybe our marriage has hope, she does something to cause me pain, like invite me to lunch then cancel the morning of the date or asking me to get my clothes out of the dresser, but putting our wedding photo in the drawer.

 

Then, she'll say maybe someday we'll be together again or something like that.

 

I mean, if she wants to be together again someday, why divorce me?

 

In your case, you have a daughter together, so that makes it more difficult IMO. Lil hoodlum hit it on the head and as DenverDude said, it's not her business if you're over her so screw her asking!

[ThreeYearsDumb]

Satu- I agree it is not good to have the conversation. It did hurt but she asked so I'm not going to lie. She thinks I lied before about having feelings for her, which I didnt. I've always loved her, and was just waiting to find the right time. Turns out I missed it. Im not going to walk away from a conversation with her again, or be anything but completely transparent in my feelings if she asks directly

 

Kennore it is immensely difficult to deal with the mixed messages. I honestly don't think I'm blinded by love or being irrational in thinking she is not over it. The way she finds way to touch me and and look at me, it is hard to be mistaken. This is the mother of my child and a woman I spent years with, I know what her affection/flirtation looks like. To experience these things and all of the things she says, then to have her tell me to move on is difficult to comprehend. At this point I am, like you are with your wife wondering what she is getting out of it. She is motivated by something, and I don't think it is the standard ego boost. She knows I still love her and really doesn't need to act this way to be sure. She knows I'm on the hook so I'm not sure what she gets from acting one way and then demanding I move on. The only thing I can think of is that she is still confused, because that is how she is acting.

[kenmore]

The only thing I can think of is that she is still confused, because that is how she is acting.

 

Bingo!

 

That's what I think too.

 

Hey, who in this world is certain of how they feel about difficult things?

 

This is unrelated but I'll join it, I promise

 

I have a motto and my wife hated it at first, but she grew to like it:

 

If you are not certain about something in your life, if you are truly having a difficult time figuring out the proper answer, then it doesn't matter! Choose randomly and move on!

 

Well, it's connected because they have made a decision, but don't really know. Like you, I see how my wife responds to me and what she says to me and I know she is not sure. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I'm taking it as good because I want us to work, and it's a slender thread of **gasp** hope!

 

I fully understand the implications. I'm putting myself in position for a world of hurt. It does help me sleep at night though, and help me function. I'm hoping with time, if things don't work out, it won't be as devastating as it would be if I knew it was over now, but it probably will. the hope seems worth it to me now, though, because I love her with all my heart.

 

I can't advise you, you must do what works for you, but just know that there are options out there besides strict NC, giving up and walking away and telling her FU.

 

This is the second time I'm signing off this way tonight, but:

 

Ken...the fool

[Simon Phoenix]

You can't go NC with her because you have a kid, but you really shouldn't be talking to her about things other than your child. Your situation sucks and I feel for you, but no more of these conversations, even if she initiates.

[ThreeYearsDumb]

I had a dream about her last night, a wonderful dream. Only got about 3 hours sleep and have been in a depressed state all morning. Almost started crying at work and went out on a sales call and did lose it in the car. I'm in sales so I have a lot of solo windshield time. Too much time to think. 4 months in since she finally said she was done with me and I've returned to the stage of messed up sleep and crying fits. I want to give up, but there is nothing to give up. There is no choice but to survive. I hate knowing that I am simply existing these days, not living or thriving but limping along toward the end of each day like a wounded animal plodding towards death. But hating feeling like that isn't enough to kick start any change in me. I'm choosing to hold on and stay here and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm trying to find any release from this, taking new classes and trying to distract myself, finding something new to enjoy in life but days like today, where I can't trust myself not to cry at a moments notice keep me where I can only see the fog. Even knowing that she or anyone wouldn't want to be with someone who feels this way isn't enough to spur more than a moments change. Doubt there's a healthy well adjusted lady who would find my crying fits attractive.

[aggie382]

There are stages of grief. You'll get through the eventually. But until you can control your emotions and years, probably begs not to try dating, not because it'll turn anyone off - although it might - but because any rejection you experience while still in pain will be magnified and feel much worse.

[BroknHart]

I know exactly what you're going through. It's 5 months for me and I'm in the same place. Cried all night and been crying all morning. I actually came to see my parents (been 2 years since the last time) and haven't left my room. I don't want them to see what a crying mess I am. I'm a female and on my sensitive days now to make things worse.

I was in the relationship for 6 yrs but living together for 4.5.

People here seem to think I have a while to go before I heal due to the length of the relationship. How long were you guys together?

[ThreeYearsDumb]

We were together for 2.5 years and have a 3 year old together. We've actually been separated for awhile now, but each of us had approached the other about reconciliation in the past year and a half. We tried most recently in August and she said she just couldn't do it and started dating someone 12 years older than her at the same time. They've been together since August and he's already met my kid. It seems like the weight of everything is hitting me now that she is actually dating someone else. I don't think she has fully moved on from me, but wants to and is forcing herself to. It is hard to focus on days like today. I think I have to take a half day from work cause I just can seem to pull myself together today.

 

As for dating, I know I'm not ready. Telling myself that either my Ex or someone new won't be attracted to me as I currently am is a tool I used to try and compose myself during the tough days. Sometimes it works, others not so much. I am way to hung up on her to try dating. I know I miss her companionship, not companionship in general so I'm not ready to look for someone else. I've actually turned down several dates because im just not ready.

Edited December 29, 2014 by ThreeYearsDumb

[BroknHart]

Having a child together and the fact that you two were able to reconcile once before will definitely mess with you. Children add a whole new level to BUs.

I also know what you mean on missing that specific person. I've turned down a few dates because I know it won't be fair on me or the other person. They won't replace the longing you have for her. You want her, not just anyone else to fill that special place in your heart. Right now that place belongs to her.

I say take the rest of the day off and let the tears come out at home. Cry as much as you can. Scream. Yell. Just get it all out. It won't solve things, but it will make you feel a little better. Trust me, I've left work twice in the last few months just to do that.

I'm here if you want to talk. I'm in the same (emotional) boat.

[Satu]

Don't judge yourself for crying. Crying is a good sign. It means you're healing.

 

Don't judge yourself for anything.

 

You will get through this.

 

We are self-healing organisms - our bodies and minds having incredible healing mechanisms. The fact that you are hurting, doesn't mean that you aren't healing - it just means that you're in a difficult part of the healing process.

[ThreeYearsDumb]

I think that is what is going to have to happen today. I'm going to go buy some new trail running shoes, and go for a snow run. When I get back, if I feel like crying all afternoon I'll let that happen too. It certainly helps to know that other people are there as well and the same emotional place. I've been posting a lot because I just need to externalize a lot of what I'm feeling and putting it on here helps significantly. So thank you for your replies! It helps immensely!

[Jewels7]

Post on here all you need! It helps. Also... My best crying is done in the car lol so it's okay to just let it out!!

[me85]

Yes, the dreams are the worst. They can be so realistic. So vivid.

 

The only thing that has ever gotten me through sad times (well God of course) but the other thing is humor. If it wasn't for having a sense of humor and entertaining myself with funny things I wouldn't be alive right now. Seriously. And props to you for being bad @$$ enough to cry in the car. I can never do it. The perfect explanation why I can't is best described by Dane Cook. You should youtube dane cook crying skit. Very funny.

 

I really am sorry you're hurting so much right now but I promise you, I promise you that it will get better. You won't always feel sad about it. The very best thing to do is any and everything you can do that doesn't involve her. Talking to her, thinking of her...it's so impossible right now but it won't be this way forever.

 

I hope you feel a little better by the end of the day. And I hope you sleep better and longer tonight.

[Lokin4AReason]

let it all out .... as mentioned, its a sign of healing

 

 

it meant you cared and the emotions are running like wild fire at the moment ...

 

 

this is the beginning stage(s) of the grief process and in time it ll change ( lets hope something positive )

 

 

take a day at a time and it get better w/ time .... involve yourself in some activities to get your mind off of things ( hang out w/ friends, hobbies, etc ... )

 

 

this is the first step in the process ( and it has to happen ) for you to accept it ..... it ll get better w/ time ...

[ralfgarnett]

Coiming up to 6 months apart for me, 20 years together 17 years married just try living with the pain of that, I do feel your pain but some of us are in a worse situation but I suppose love is love and pain is pain regardless.

[JDPT]

I recall the few times I had to pull over and let a few tears roll down my cheeks. It was very cathartic yet painful while in the process. I view it as cleansing. I no longer get teary when I hear a song or an memory inadvertently enters my brain. It still bothers me a bit but I manage to dismiss it as quick as I possibly can. Hang in there, it will get better with time.

[ThreeYearsDumb]

Cried again on the way to work. Do feel a little bit of catharsis afterwards, but not much. It wasn't neccesariy over her this time, but more my life in general. Reflecting on why I behaved and reacted the way I did in the relationship. Hopefully continuing to work through it will side in healing although right now I still feel like I let the love of my life and family fall away due to my own issues. If I can't fix it with her and get my family back, I feel like I will be living the second option plan b from here on out. And I have to find a way to be happy in that