I can't get my ex out of my head!

[whattodo99]

I'm struggling.... Dear lord I'm struggling.

 

I'm just going to do a heart dump here.

 

My heart has been torn in to pieces over and over again. I can't get my ex wife out of my head!!! My heart is still so attached to her. It's been over 4 months now since we've gotten divorced and I was the one to help pull the trigger... Now she's moved on to another man and we share a 2 year old daughter between the both of us. My heart breaks every time I think about what happened. Yes, I am EXTREMELY lonely and I wish for her to be back in my life. I wish I tried harder to make things work, but that time has come and gone. Now she spends time with this other person as they go on adventures with my daughter with them.

 

Each day that goes by seems to be harder and harder to work through. I sometimes feel like just giving up on everything. I have family who is trying to help me and I am seeing a counselor, but I feel like it's doing me no good at all. I'm not on any meds to combat this and have thought about getting on some, but I felt as though the best way to work through this pain is to do it in the realist way possible.

 

I don't know what to do and I don't know how to move on. Every time I think of her my heart skips a beat and I break inside. I barely eat and I feel like I am dead inside. Will this feeling ever go away?

 

I talked to her this morning about how I feel. I felt it was the right thing to do. I told her I can't eat or sleep and I think about her all the time. More that I ever thought possible. She asked me "why now?". To clarify she tried to come back once before and no matter how badly I wanted to work on her and I I simply couldn't. I was in so much pain because she left me in the first place just months after our daughter was born. So when she wanted back I grasped on to it too tightly but couldn't get past the anger of her leaving in the first place. So she slipped right through my fingers.

 

But back to the "why now?"... I told her that I was angry and it kept me from trying any harder than I could, but I was ready to work on it now if she wanted. I ended the conversation with "but I know you're in a different place", which she replied "yes I am, you stepped on my forehead", which to me is I didn't try hard enough even though she did state that she would wait for as long as she needed to in order to make things work.

 

All in all I think she is done and that makes me very sad, but I'm not her so who knows. What I do know is what I want right now and I want her back in my life. I don't want to hurt, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want another man being a part of my child's life.

 

Please help! I've loosing friends and family over this. BTW, I suffer from anxiety so that's not helping the situation at all.

[KBarletta]

I feel your pain, whattodo.

 

Unfortunately, I know you don't want to hear this, but it sounds like you missed your window of opportunity. She came back once ready to reconcile and you weren't ready. It sounds like she took that as her cue to move on.

 

As hard as it is, I think you need to do the same. Believe me, I am about six weeks into a separation from my wife of many years, so I know how hard it is and how they are in your thoughts all day, every day. It doesn't seem possible to move on.

 

But you have to. Moving on is #1, your only choice and #2, the only hope you have of ever being happy again.

 

Now that you have let her know that you are open to reconciliation, the ball is in her court. That's where you want it to be at this stage. Stop contacting her and start working on your own happiness. Try new things, make new friends, force yourself to get up every day and think of something other than her. You'll have to force yourself at first but eventually it will come naturally.

 

Also, get rid of the reminders of her around your house: Photos, souvenirs, clothes. Whatever makes you think of her needs to be packed in a box and shoved in the closet, if it isn't already.

 

I wish you luck and please keep posting. One thing I have found is that it is therapeutic to post on these boards.

[whattodo99]

Thanks KBarletta,

 

I find myself on this roller coaster that my heart simply doesn't know how to get off. I believe you are right when it comes to that I've missed my window. It's hard to accept especially since I have a 2 year old with her, but I need to work on that notion.

 

My fear of finding someone new and letting her go is what's been keeping me planted. I've been told by numerous people that time heals all wounds and there are others out there that will love me for who I am. What gets me is the anxiety that I brew up in myself by believing that I've failed and that I deserve this. Obviously nobody deserves this, not one single bit. But fear and anxiety for me right now makes the roller coaster much steeper than it has to be.

 

I faced my fear by putting the ball back in her court. What she does with it now is up to her. All I can do is work on myself, whether it be to meditate, read some self help books to help conquer my fear and anxiety, and inevitably find the right woman in my life that loves me for who I am.

 

I need to have the attitude that I am better without her than I am with her and I'm not the one that's going to be missing out. That journey is filled with bounders and raging rivers, but with the right tools I may be able to get past them.

 

I had a talk with my counselor today, who turned me onto some good books to help me understand what I'm going through and to conquer my fears. It's a step in a direction that I think will help. So I need to put a positive spin on it regardless to the outcome otherwise I will not move on.

 

I really hope I can sleep tonight better than I did last night. For those here on the forum that pray please pray for me as I'd like to sleep and eat better without having my thoughts run my life. I will do the same in return.

[whattodo99]

I do have to say... The worst feeling to have is the fact of missing that window. It's the hardest thing to face. Maybe in the future there could be a chance, but not today and it might not be for some time.

[Chin Up]

I was in so much pain because she left me in the first place just months after our daughter was born. So when she wanted back I grasped on to it too tightly but couldn't get past the anger of her leaving in the first place.

 

You had every right to feel the way you did, and not to slam your ex, but if she had the faintest clue or a shred of empathy, she would understand that, not hold it over your head and use it against you. That's her leverage to dangle over you so she can sit there feeling powerful and in control while you feel the opposite.

 

But back to the "why now?"... I told her that I was angry and it kept me from trying any harder than I could, but I was ready to work on it now if she wanted. I ended the conversation with "but I know you're in a different place", which she replied "yes I am, you stepped on my forehead", which to me is I didn't try hard enough even though she did state that she would wait for as long as she needed to in order to make things work.

 

You stepped on HER forehead? Honestly, that comment would have pissed me right off. She's the one that ended things and she has the gall to blame you for not accepting her with open arms after? I promptly would have laughed, told her where she can stick her forehead and smugly hung up on her.

 

Yes, you miss her and want her back, but don't let her make you feel guilty! She's the one that ended it. She's the one the broke it, so she's the one that has to fix it. If she expected you to naively take her back without her putting in a lot of work and effort to repair things, you may want to question how badly she wanted it. To turn around and throw it in your face like you're the one that screwed up...really?

[whattodo99]

So I had short dream about her last night. I woke up missing her again. Sometimes I wish my heart would just get tired of her. But changes are right now my heart just needs someone or something to hold onto... Of course my kids fill me with so much love right now that it's hard to imagine that my heart needs anything else right now.

 

I also found out this morning after talking with my nanny that my ex had this guy move in with her (note that she's known him for quite a while, prior to her and I ever being together). She's even gone as far as putting her name, my kids name, and this guys name onto xmas cards that she sends out. I really should not be surprised as she doesn't understand the concept of family very much. Let alone the general courtesy to keep non-family members out of such things. I mean I can understand the me not being on the card, but this guy? really?

 

She also purchased those stickers with the return address on them (both her and this guy). I mean she really just jumped right into this one. Again, I should not be surprised since she did the same thing to me. Her and I met and about 2 months later we were living with one another. Basically the honeymoon phase begun and here she is doing it again, but this time with my daughter included. Talk about being selfish and insensitive. But alas, I should not be surprised.

 

Has anyone been through this before?

[KBarletta]

Has anyone been through this before?

 

I am going through a similar story, though mine (at the moment) doesn't have another guy in the picture. But my wife left out of the blue and six weeks later has moved on seemingly so quickly that I almost can't believe it.

 

A few things to remember:

 

1. You are not alone. Many of us here have gone through and are going through similar life experiences. Lean on the people here for advice. Don't feel alone.

 

2. You have value as an individual. Just because this one person has tossed you aside, it's easy to feel discarded and worthless (I have been there, BELIEVE ME). But never forget that YOU are now the most important person in your life (aside from your child of course) and you are the one who deserves your own attention and love, not her.

 

3. She is the one who has to make a move if one is to be made, and you can't do anything to change her mind. Anything you do to try at this stage would only push her further away. She destroyed the relationship and it's up to her to repair it, if it's to be repaired.

 

4. Your time is valuable. You have a life to live. Don't waste time thinking of what might have been (nothing you can do about it) or what might be (again - out of your control). Just concentrate on what IS: Spend your time wisely, do things you enjoy, take up new hobbies, travel, make new friends.

 

5. The only thing you can control here is YOU. If you let thoughts of her control you, then you've lost control over everything. Take back that control, and start living the life you want.

 

Just a few thoughts that have helped me through in recent weeks.

 

Good luck man! Hang in there.

[whattodo99]

Ugh, she likes to dig!

 

She just sent me an email stating she got one of those Strider bikes for Vada. Talk about showing off and trying to one up a person.

 

In any case I replied kindly saying it was a cool idea. But also suggested that she let Vada bring it over to my house since Vada is with me during the day with the nanny. I further added that it would be advantageous for Vada since it would give her more time to use the bike during the day and that I was also hoping to be involved with Vada as she learned to ride a bike (I taught my other two kids to ride their bike too). She replied stating that if Vada wanted to bring it over she could, but only if she wanted to. Bare in mind that our child is 2 years old, so she doesn't really know what she wants right now... But is getting there. She added by stated that she only was sharing. I then replied that I get the idea and reiterated that this was about Vada learning and not where the bike was. Btw, she spends money she does not have and this is one of the other reasons why we are not tied to the hip any longer.

 

She's being mean and digging, looking for a fight.

[whattodo99]

Thanks for that KBarletta,

 

I have a lot of new things in my life that I've never experienced before. The biggest one of all is living alone for the first time in my life. I'm in my 30's and I've never had to do this before. I've always been use to leaning on my partner and overall that wasn't healthy as I should have been leaning on myself.

 

It's pretty hard sometimes to pick yourself back up to brush off the gravel you just face planted onto. Good friends help a lot, I don't have many of those right now either since I spew what's been going on with me lately. THAT is something I've been trying to get some control over, which I look forward to the day where I can hold my tongue and at least put on a fake enough smile where others don't see my down side.

 

This is what happens when you are a very sensitive man and where your feelings on your sleeve. You tend to grasp at straws and look for anything comfortable within an uncomfortable situation. Also, like many other men, I procrastinate like crazy . NOT helpful. So I am doing what I can to force my way through this hell and get past it.

 

Venting and looking for advice here is helpful. I use to come here when my first marriage failed. That was another story in itself, but felt close to the same. Overall I haven't made the best of choices when it comes to my partners, nor the best of choices when it comes to how to deal with them within a relationship.

[KBarletta]

Ugh, she likes to dig!

 

She just sent me an email stating she got one of those Strider bikes for Vada. Talk about showing off and trying to one up a person.

 

In any case I replied kindly saying it was a cool idea. But also suggested that she let Vada bring it over to my house since Vada is with me during the day with the nanny. I further added that it would be advantageous for Vada since it would give her more time to use the bike during the day and that I was also hoping to be involved with Vada as she learned to ride a bike (I taught my other two kids to ride their bike too). She replied stating that if Vada wanted to bring it over she could, but only if she wanted to. Bare in mind that our child is 2 years old, so she doesn't really know what she wants right now... But is getting there. She added by stated that she only was sharing. I then replied that I get the idea and reiterated that this was about Vada learning and not where the bike was. Btw, she spends money she does not have and this is one of the other reasons why we are not tied to the hip any longer.

 

She's being mean and digging, looking for a fight.

 

 

I understand that this is upsetting, and it sucks that she is showing you up and picking fights.

 

But my thinking is that if you think she is picking and looking for a fight, don't give her one. If you truly love this woman and want it to work out in the future, I would avoid petty conflicts like this that she tries to instigate. Sometimes people instigate fights to ease the pain of losing the relationship. I would avoid stooping to that level. If it becomes too much of a conflict, you can get your daughter a bike to ride when she's at your house and leave your wife out of the discussion altogether. The less conflict, the better, IMO.

[whattodo99]

BTW KBarletta,

 

You're quite right. She has this power over me right now that I simple need to shed somehow. Getting involved with other things will help there. I know if I had another partner to be with that would help too, but not in a helpful way I think unless they are a good friend that wants to help and is helpful to their core (friendship only). I do miss her warm body next to me, but I don't miss the insensitive remarks that come out of her mouth.

[whattodo99]

I understand that this is upsetting, and it sucks that she is showing you up and picking fights.

 

But my thinking is that if you think she is picking and looking for a fight, don't give her one. If you truly love this woman and want it to work out in the future, I would avoid petty conflicts like this that she tries to instigate. Sometimes people instigate fights to ease the pain of losing the relationship. I would avoid stooping to that level. If it becomes too much of a conflict, you can get your daughter a bike to ride when she's at your house and leave your wife out of the discussion altogether. The less conflict, the better, IMO.

 

I'm in full agreement. She's always liked to pick fights and LOVES drama. I lost sight of that a long time ago as I just shoved it under the covers and just let it be. I think I genuinely lost myself (even before her). Her facebook is riddled with how happy she is that she's turned the page and will never go back and how she will not let anyone ever hurt her again. So I'm sure she's still angry whether she thinks she is or not.

 

With the bike thing it's just upsetting that she can't see past her daughters needs when it comes to this stuff and would rather waste the money and own it herself rather than share it between the homes.

 

I had a similar run in with her about my daughters blanket. Basically asking her to take the blanket with her as the child transitioned between homes. Our daughter lover her blanket and would take it everywhere if she could. So of course taking it over to her moms just seems obvious, but of course her mom said no since she already had a similar blanket at her house. Yeah, I know I can't worry about that stuff, but it's just defeating to see that the other parent can't look past their own selfishness to help give their daughter the things their daughter truly wants.