Start the healing process

[sober and dry]

I posted the entirety history of the end of my almost 8 years rship in here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/503604-sober-dry.

It's very long and not the point at this stage.

 

The resume is, she cheated on me and managed to keep me blind-shielded for almost 1 month, at that time I spied her email accounts and find it all. Make her meet me and let it all out, basically come down on her in a somewhat awful way...

 

After that I went NC straight away and today is day 15.

But I do find myself many times thinking I want to talk to her with many goals at the same time but in the meanwhile I manage to choose exactly what I want/need. I don't want to beg or try to get her back, what I want is to "do the breakup again but in a better way" so to speak, in a mature way. I think I need it to ease my healing process!?

 

Namely I want to tell her that our rship was very nice when it was real and made me a lot happy and was very good for my life in fact and that I did overcome the wrong things she did to me and now I want to move on but with a proper end of the story instead of the bitter feeling we leaved.

I have already made my decision on making this, my question now is, what's the better way of doing it? Remember that, bottom line, I was the dumper and this rship was our both first everything. Today I have 25 and she 24.

Edited December 20, 2014 by sober and dry

[lolablue17]

If you want to maximum protect yourself, Do it by Email.

 

If you want the risky way, call her to meet you. risky because:

1. she might refuse to meet or even answering you.

2. you don't know what will she say in that meeting, it can irritate you, it can disappoint you, and you can end up by making it worse.

 

My best advice - it's good that you've calmed down but I advice you to do it - After you wait another month or two. I strongly recommend you to wait.

[sober and dry]

If you want to maximum protect yourself, Do it by Email.

 

If you want the risky way, call her to meet you. risky because:

1. she might refuse to meet or even answering you.

2. you don't know what will she say in that meeting, it can irritate you, it can disappoint you, and you can end up by making it worse.

 

My best advice - it's good that you've calmed down but I advice you to do it - After you wait another month or two. I strongly recommend you to wait.

Why should I wait more? I have been thinking I need to do this almost a week after I BU.

Yes I'm a bit afraid of what she could do, but I think I could grip it myself and say just what I want and prevent she from hurting me anymore if she tries!?

[lolablue17]

I think you should wait because i suspect that the reason for you to meet her is to have her back. If that's the case, there isn't anything wrong with you motivation, as long as you are aware of it.

 

If you feel you can't wait, it's another indication that your motives are not only to break up nicely.

 

If you decide to do it now, i suggest that you will write an E-mail, saying you regret your behavior then, and you want to break up on better atmosphere, so you ask her to meet you.

 

That's how you increase the chance that she'll agree, and she gets the main message (that you regret) even if she doesn't want to meet you.

[sober and dry]

I think you should wait because i suspect that the reason for you to meet her is to have her back. If that's the case, there isn't anything wrong with you motivation, as long as you are aware of it.

 

If you feel you can't wait, it's another indication that your motives are not only to break up nicely.

 

If you decide to do it now, i suggest that you will write an E-mail, saying you regret your behavior then, and you want to break up on better atmosphere, so you ask her to meet you.

 

That's how you increase the chance that she'll agree, and she gets the main message (that you regret) even if she doesn't want to meet you.

Well... My heart tells me I want her back but my head doesn't... Sure I would like to have her back, but the old her, not the one she was been becoming some time ago. At that time I decided I wanted to be with her despise her changes but that just blow up in my face pretty bad. So yes, I do want her back, but I know I want something that doesn't exist anymore so I force myself by logic not to want her, especially after how it all went down. Maybe you could read some parts on my topic in the breaks and breakups to understand me better.

 

I feel I shouldn't wait because I see the "clean break up" would set my healing start faster, am I right? Am I just deceiving myself?

Edited December 21, 2014 by sober and dry

[lolablue17]

Yes, i have a feeling you're deceiving yourself. I don't know what exactly did you say on the break up day, but it's stupid to judge people who just found out that they was cheated on. I'm sorry but those what ever words you used cannot be compared to her cheating.

 

If you admit your curiosity to see her and also admitting you miss her and want o see her, and also want her to think that you are better, these are good reasons enough to see her. You don't need the "I want a clean break up" excuse.

[sober and dry]

Yeah you are right, I was deceiving myself and trying to make up excuses to talk to her, today we would make the 8th year and I would like to talk to her. She didn't contact me so didn't I. So taken that and the fact I previous discovered, I guess she is alright and doing better then me...

 

I admit I'm curious to see her and how she is doing, I do miss her but I'm afraid that it would blow out on my face and send me back to the start again. Besides that I know I'm better and she knows it if she thinks of it realistic. So again, no need to break NC besides my clinging to her I guess...

[lolablue17]

I just want to add that if in few weeks you're not better than now, and you still want to see her, you shouldn't force yourself NC at any term.

 

In that case call you can as i advised you earlier send mail and say the teaser to your attitude and suggest to meet. If she refuses, at least she knows that you're OK and wants a positive break up. (She might refuse to see you because she doesn't want to get hurt).

[sober and dry]

Thanks lolablue17, will do. I certainty hope I'm better in the next weeks

[sober and dry]

I just want to add that if in few weeks you're not better than now, and you still want to see her, you shouldn't force yourself NC at any term.

 

In that case call you can as i advised you earlier send mail and say the teaser to your attitude and suggest to meet. If she refuses, at least she knows that you're OK and wants a positive break up. (She might refuse to see you because she doesn't want to get hurt).

Well I spent this 2 weeks in NC and, although I started to change my mind and have a better perspective on things about the RS, I still have the wish to see her.

I really don't know, consciously, what I want but sure theres is something I can't figure out... Any idea?

 

So I braked NC with texts.

Me - Hi [her name], how have you been?

(I felt really good at this time, maybe like taking a drug after 1 month without it, and really hoped she wont reply, but some hours later she did)

 

Her - Hi, I have been not great nor bad. How have you been? Kisses

(I felt a little anger and didn't know what to do but it soon vanished and gone again to the "buzz" but I decided to answer the next day when the buzz vanishes. Well the next day the buzz must definitely did vanished and I felt depressed, so I went straight to the phone)

 

Me - I feel the same. If I can help you with something, tell me. I think we could meet, what you think?

(Some hours later I really felt ashamed for this one...)

 

Her - Thanks, if I can do the same for you, tell me. Yes, I think we could. Do you have any suggestion?

 

So at this point I don't know what to think, what I feel or what to do. I guess I will just say "I have no idea, but the next couple of weeks I cant"

 

What you think? I would like to get some thoughts please.

[lolablue17]

Well I spent this 2 weeks in NC and, although I started to change my mind and have a better perspective on things about the RS, I still have the wish to see her.

I really don't know, consciously, what I want but sure theres is something I can't figure out... Any idea?

 

So I braked NC with texts.

Me - Hi [her name], how have you been?

(I felt really good at this time, maybe like taking a drug after 1 month without it, and really hoped she wont reply, but some hours later she did)

 

Her - Hi, I have been not great nor bad. How have you been? Kisses

(I felt a little anger and didn't know what to do but it soon vanished and gone again to the "buzz" but I decided to answer the next day when the buzz vanishes. Well the next day the buzz must definitely did vanished and I felt depressed, so I went straight to the phone)

 

Me - I feel the same. If I can help you with something, tell me. I think we could meet, what you think?

(Some hours later I really felt ashamed for this one...)

 

Her - Thanks, if I can do the same for you, tell me. Yes, I think we could. Do you have any suggestion?

 

So at this point I don't know what to think, what I feel or what to do. I guess I will just say "I have no idea, but the next couple of weeks I cant"

 

What you think? I would like to get some thoughts please.

 

I think that you think too much. Go ahead and continue with what you've started. You decide to break no contact and trying to meet her. She agreed!! So, why are waiting for? Set the meeting and meet her! She wants it, you want it, why to delay?

Edited January 9, 2015 by lolablue17

[Itspointless]

I really don't know, consciously, what I want but sure theres is something I can't figure out... Any idea?

 

So I braked NC with texts. [...] Me - I feel the same. If I can help you with something, tell me. I think we could meet, what you think?

(Some hours later I really felt ashamed for this one...)

Why did you feel ashamed?

 

Ask yourself also why you want to help her. What is your motivation? She also said that she did not feel awful without you in her life. How do you feel about that? It perhaps are questions you should think about before meeting her.

[lolablue17]

Why did you feel ashamed?

 

Ask yourself also why you want to help her. What is your motivation? She also said that she did not feel awful without you in her life. How do you feel about that? It perhaps are questions you should think about before meeting her.

 

She said "not great and not awful". It could be anything. it says nothing.

[Itspointless]

She said "not great and not awful". It could be anything. it says nothing.

True; its an empty answer.

[Light Breeze]

True; its an empty answer.

 

Translation: I'm happy without you but won't say so directly. I need to show that our BU somehow affected me so I won't look like a heartless b*tch.

 

 

My ex texted something like this **** all the time when our BU was still fresh. Well that's the translation according to a mutual friend.

[lolablue17]

Translation: I'm happy without you but won't say so directly. I need to show that our BU somehow affected me so I won't look like a heartless b*tch.

 

 

My ex texted something like this **** all the time when our BU was still fresh. Well that's the translation according to a mutual friend.

 

Here's a different translation: "I feel bad since the break up, but i don't want you to think that i'm needy and desperate".

 

And it also could be the truth - She isn't doing very well after the break up (There isn't someone else), but she's not so desperate and she manages to live OK, also because she's mentally healthy, and there is no tragedy.

[sober and dry]

Text update: I said that I don't have any suggestions, do you? She answered If you want to we can have a coffee, what do you think? I said to her, yes but I'm very occupied this days. She, for the first time, seemed angry but said ok, let me know when you can.

She did surprised me a lot because, in each and every one of the texts she didn't acted like what I was expecting at all!

 

Yes it's true, I do over think everything and it's in my nature. I can manage to change that, but if I do I go to the opposite extreme, doing everything loosely and must of the times it's not better.

 

I guess I'm delaying it to pull myself up a little more and try to understand why do I wanna see her. The only thing that I can admit is that I want to, literally, see her, just see and that's weird, maybe even masochistic.

My motivation to be here to help her is just for respect to "her old person", nothing more. But I do know that's unnecessary and only makes sense in the pink world...

 

I feel ashamed because of:

1 - breaking NC

2 - saying pretty much "I'm still here for you"

3 - knowing she is probably feeling quite good with the other guy and I'm acting very sadly...

 

Yes Light Breeze, it's probably something like that. She is very good putting up different facades to everyone in her life, she always was and she always does.

 

EDIT: lolablue17 yes there is someone, or at least there was! She cheated on me and that was why I left her.

Please read my story in here, I know it's very long, but it was everything about our breakup.

Edited January 9, 2015 by sober and dry

[lolablue17]

yes there is someone, or at least there was! She cheated on me and that was why I left her.

Please read my story in here, I know it's very long, but it was everything about our breakup.

 

Sorry, I wasn't aware of that.

 

If she's with another guy and says "not great"... Well, it's very sad for her. Hello girl, you have a new boyfriend and the only thing you can say is "not great"? No no no... She feels bad with him, or she's sending you a message here.

 

You can meet her with a lot of power on your hand. You can say that one thing that you wrote here - tell her that you don't want her back but you just felt the need to see her, literally. I guess it will blow her mind off (positively). You can meet her and say almost nothing.

[Light Breeze]

Sorry, I wasn't aware of that.

 

If she's with another guy and says "not great"... Well, it's very sad for her. Hello girl, you have a new boyfriend and the only thing you can say is "not great"? No no no... She feels bad with him, or she's sending you a message here.

 

You can meet her with a lot of power on your hand. You can say that one thing that you wrote here - tell her that you don't want her back but you just felt the need to see her, literally. I guess it will blow her mind off (positively). You can meet her and say almost nothing.

 

Agreed, if she says "not great" there is a big possibility that she was dumped by the other guy (or regrets it) and trying not to act desperate and needy. This explains why she got angry when OP didn't show the urgency to meetup with her.

 

Or if she's still with him, then my original translation is probably true.

[Itspointless]

I feel ashamed because of:

1 - breaking NC

2 - saying pretty much "I'm still here for you"

3 - knowing she is probably feeling quite good with the other guy and I'm acting very sadly...

Please do not feel ashamed as this is not at all weak. You are still attached to her, so it it normal to feel like this (attachment is as well psychological as chemical). If such actions will help you is another story. That is also why you want to see her. Seeing her will release endorphins that instantly will make you feel better, until you body is in need of a new high. Your body needs to adjust to this new situation.

[sober and dry]

Calling on what I know from her, she just say "I'm not good or bad" to use that facade and gain some operating space, and not in a sincere way.

 

But than again, in everything in this conversation with her, she is not acting the way I was expecting, sometimes even in the opposite way.

This fact just let me thinking, "damn, didn't I really get to know her, this last 8 years, enough to "guess" what she is doing/thinking?", I cannot believe that, because if this is the case, damn, it's really bad!...

 

I guess and I prefer to believe:

She is not in the position I expected her to be at this time and so not acting like I would expect, that position being with him, happy and ignoring or already over what happened between us and it's just like Light Breeze translation.

or

She is not acting as herself, like she was this last months.

or

She is really having a really bad time now. -> this is the only situation that would truly make me worried about her. But it's also the one I least expect.

or none of the above

Either one of the others really doesn't matter for me at this stage.

 

I did felt ashamed because I know that for her, everything is like a power game, one that I didn't played when we were together and one that I'm not willing to play now. So I realize that's not weak at all just like you said and I must not show that to her. But must of all, I don't care about what she thinks about me provided I don't act off character.

 

I'm hopping that this time before meeting her gives me the power and position I want/need for this to go well and I don't end up at the starting point. Meeting her knowing what I really want, acting just like it and nothing more.

[sober and dry]

So 12 days passed since we last spoke. Maybe it's a little strange that I taking all this time, but I really don't care, as long as she doesn't change her answer.

 

I'm getting better and better as the days pass, but I still want to meet her (maybe less and less) and don't really know why. My reasons and desires didn't changed, so I don't see the point on waiting anymore.

 

I would guess that this situation is probably somehow may prevent me from moving on.

The worst that can happen is going some steps back, right?

I believe that, sometimes, it's necessary to get some setbacks to make you move forward some more?

Or am I just being a masochistic?

[sober and dry]

So here I go again...

 

Texted her on Sunday "Hi, good morning. How are you doing? Sorry for the waiting, but has been..."

The next day she answered "Hi, good morning. Not god or bad, and you? Are you better? No problem, this my last weeks are being hard also..."

 

This is just empty talk for me and I couldn't care less.

Maybe the coffee with her will be just like this, empty talk, but I don't care either, I just wanna see her.

 

I guess that tomorrow I will just ask her about the coffee and try to schedule it for this weekend.

 

Unfortunately, as days go by, I'm getting frustrated and ashamed because everybody around me, who cares about me, tells me not to do it.

 

Well I can't stop it, that's just not me... If I put my foot on the edge my next step is to jump head first to the abyss no matter how deep it is... I had alway been like this, just not with any ex. Call it "suicidal", stupid, masochistic, hardheaded or whatever, but I guess that I will never change this about me.

As I never did any of this with any of my precious ex's so it will be my first time xD

 

Can someone give me the do's and dont's? I do not want her back or became her friend...

Edited January 28, 2015 by sober and dry

[Light Breeze]

Can someone give me the do's and dont's? I do not want her back or became her friend...

 

You don't want her back, you don't want to be her friend, then why in hell are you still contacting her?

[NopeNah]

You don't want her back, you don't want to be her friend, then why in hell are you still contacting her?

 

Agreed.. What's the point of wanting to meet her or even be in contact? I think you're lying to yourself.