Question on Heart contradicting Brain

[Light Breeze]

Hi friends,

 

Like many here I'm on my journey towards healing and moving on but I find I'm currently on a plateu. I MAY have found the barrier that's keeping me from moving forward... My heart contradicting my brain.

 

As I've written in my other posts, one of the reason for my progress in coping from heartbreak is acceptance that the relationship is done and over with. But, it seems until now my heart is still fighting my brain on it (i.e. Still fantasizing that she's going to be knocking at my front door and begging for R, while logically thinking that it's utterly impossible).

 

My questions are:

 

1.) Based on your experience will this gradually go away or you just learn to forget it?

 

2.) Did any of you consciously made measures to accelerate the process of letting your heart catch up to your brain, as they say.

 

I appreciate your input.

 

Thank you.

[richburn]

Another analogue that I think could be used is left brain and right brain. I think I have quite a disparity with my nuggin, probably due to how logical I am (insert spock reference here).

 

I have heard that techniques like EMDR, PICT and visualisation 'can' help to get the two sides talking.

 

Please feel free to shoot me down as I am not a therapist and only going on my experience. When reading many of these posts I often end up thinking, yup thats me too pal, your not alone.

 

Richard

[richburn]

Another analogy I was thinking about yesterday with regards to contacting your ex is about personal power.

 

I think (for me) if i imagined my personal power as a body, every time I contacted my ex I was giving her a limb - to the point that I had no power left, you could also see this as self respect.

 

And, everyday I don't contact my ex i regain a sliver of that power say a finger nails worth.

 

I was also thinking about how much of this is me wanting to punish myself, and looking at what motives subconsciously I had for not releasing my ex. Although, at some point you have to be mad to put yourself through so much pain, then I got into beating myself up for punishing myself and the cycle of pain began again.

 

Just some food for thought.

[Itspointless]

1.) Based on your experience will this gradually go away or you just learn to forget it?

 

2.) Did any of you consciously made measures to accelerate the process of letting your heart catch up to your brain, as they say.

As for 2, there are no short-cuts, sorry.

 

As for 1, when dealing in a healthy way neither. With time it just becomes one of those things that inherently belong to your life-story. You have told that story so many times to yourself that it becomes common knowledge for you. It is like an old scar, it sometimes itches. And with certain triggers it brings you back some of the emotions and pain you felt. Also common is that new wounds bring back some of the old pain as it remembers you of it.

 

In a way we learn to live with it and become happy with it.

[Ieris]

Hmm.. I find that I get over break ups pretty quickly, no matter how much I liked/loved them. Yes it does take time for the heart to catch up with your head but when you truly want to move on, it can happen a lot faster than you think. Don't give yourself any false hopes, no wishing or finding any excuse to get back in touch then it should be a pretty straight forward path. Some people drag their feet and not know if they want to walk on but I'm literally sprinting out of there because I can't wait to move on and start a new chapter. Time is precious, I don't have time to mope around.

 

I'm a pretty emotional person but when my emotions are causing me pain, I switch to using my brain more. Focusing on what I'm thinking rather than feeling, I had to go through some difficult thoughts like "he doesn't want me", those images of him being in bed with other girls I saw on his phone will flash up and instead of letting it break me down, I just had to see it for what it is. He is a cheap piece of meat who gets passed around and I'm not a fan of sharing so I'm out of there. I am not busy making up any excuses for him or blaming myself for anything, just analysing the whole thing as a third person. In hindsight, you see where all the red flags were, which mistakes were made and now know why the whole thing blew up in pieces. Just rewind back and watch the whole again, it can be quite funny. I know I'm laughing now but I was certainly not laughing 10 days ago!

 

The truth is the person you fell in love with is not there anymore so treat them as if they died and that person is no longer coming back. People say going through a break up is like grieving, mourning the death of your relationship. You have to be the one to dig a hole in the ground and bury it, laying there crying isn't going to bring it back to life. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get back up on your feet and carry on with your life. Don't you find at the end of a relationship you feel like you don't know that person anymore or even wonder if you really ever knew them at all. Just show that the thing/person you so wanted no longer exists... So you're basically trying to hold on to nothing?

[Itspointless]

I'm a pretty emotional person but when my emotions are causing me pain, I switch to using my brain more. Focusing on what I'm thinking rather than feeling ...

To be honest, that sounds like a deactivating strategy fitting to avoidant attachment. I sometimes wish I could do that though.

[dumbass2]

One thing that really helped me move forward was when I was able to self reflect on myself during the relationship. Not her, but me. I decided I wanted to make sure that I am a better person for my next relationship. When I started to do that I learned a lot about myself and it made it easier. I focused on me. I even became a bit of a book reader and read some good relationship books that helped me with my self awareness. I worked on those areas and started to put them into action as I started dating again. My ex came back in contact with me after 3 months NC and could sense I was a little different in my attitudes and behavior. I found that I was a great partner and had changed the last few months for her to try and keep her in my life. I have never done that before and will not do it in the future. I have learned to remain true to myself.

 

Self reflect and improve yourself. It will help the heart heal and take your focus off her and help you get ready for next time to be the best you can be.

 

You can only control what you do, you have zero control of her. Accept that, keep telling yourself that and it will help.

[Ieris]

To be honest, that sounds like a deactivating strategy fitting to avoidant attachment. I sometimes wish I could do that though.

 

I guess that's true. Pulling the battery out from the heart and plugging it in the head, whichever benefits me best at the time. Some of the biggest mistakes I have made in my life was when I followed my heart. I now try to use my head when make big decisions in my life. It doesn't always have to be one or the other though.

 

Even with relationships, keep your eyes and mind opened, don't get blinded by all those butterflies and walk right off a cliff. When you walk off one too many cliffs, you will learn to walk with precaution x

Edited December 19, 2014 by Ieris

[d0nnivain]

If you let it, eventually your brain will win.

 

Try to remember that fantasy your heart is having is about the person you want her to be knocking on your door. It's not about the person she IS.

[Itspointless]

If you let it, eventually your brain will win.

 

Try to remember that fantasy your heart is having is about the person you want her to be knocking on your door. It's not about the person she IS.

I guess I still have a lot to learn at that.

[BC1980]

You have to constantly remind yourself if reality. Your heart and brain will always be at odds. Emotions usually trump. This goes for anything in life really. The best thing is NC, and, over time, the person simply becomes irrelevant.

[Light Breeze]

Another analogy I was thinking about yesterday with regards to contacting your ex is about personal power.

 

I think (for me) if i imagined my personal power as a body, every time I contacted my ex I was giving her a limb - to the point that I had no power left, you could also see this as self respect.

 

And, everyday I don't contact my ex i regain a sliver of that power say a finger nails worth.

 

I was also thinking about how much of this is me wanting to punish myself, and looking at what motives subconsciously I had for not releasing my ex. Although, at some point you have to be mad to put yourself through so much pain, then I got into beating myself up for punishing myself and the cycle of pain began again.

 

Just some food for thought.

 

Thank you richburn for the suggestion. I'll do a little bit of reading in re to this stuff. It might help

[Light Breeze]

As for 2, there are no short-cuts, sorry.

 

As for 1, when dealing in a healthy way neither. With time it just becomes one of those things that inherently belong to your life-story. You have told that story so many times to yourself that it becomes common knowledge for you. It is like an old scar, it sometimes itches. And with certain triggers it brings you back some of the emotions and pain you felt. Also common is that new wounds bring back some of the old pain as it remembers you of it.

 

In a way we learn to live with it and become happy with it.

 

Thank you, I guess only time and a positive attitude can help with this.

 

And in a way I guess learning to live with it would also act as a constant reminder that you stumbled but stood up again and walked forward.

[Light Breeze]

Hmm.. I find that I get over break ups pretty quickly, no matter how much I liked/loved them. Yes it does take time for the heart to catch up with your head but when you truly want to move on, it can happen a lot faster than you think. Don't give yourself any false hopes, no wishing or finding any excuse to get back in touch then it should be a pretty straight forward path. Some people drag their feet and not know if they want to walk on but I'm literally sprinting out of there because I can't wait to move on and start a new chapter. Time is precious, I don't have time to mope around.

 

I'm a pretty emotional person but when my emotions are causing me pain, I switch to using my brain more. Focusing on what I'm thinking rather than feeling, I had to go through some difficult thoughts like "he doesn't want me", those images of him being in bed with other girls I saw on his phone will flash up and instead of letting it break me down, I just had to see it for what it is. He is a cheap piece of meat who gets passed around and I'm not a fan of sharing so I'm out of there. I am not busy making up any excuses for him or blaming myself for anything, just analysing the whole thing as a third person. In hindsight, you see where all the red flags were, which mistakes were made and now know why the whole thing blew up in pieces. Just rewind back and watch the whole again, it can be quite funny. I know I'm laughing now but I was certainly not laughing 10 days ago!

 

The truth is the person you fell in love with is not there anymore so treat them as if they died and that person is no longer coming back. People say going through a break up is like grieving, mourning the death of your relationship. You have to be the one to dig a hole in the ground and bury it, laying there crying isn't going to bring it back to life. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get back up on your feet and carry on with your life. Don't you find at the end of a relationship you feel like you don't know that person anymore or even wonder if you really ever knew them at all. Just show that the thing/person you so wanted no longer exists... So you're basically trying to hold on to nothing?

 

Thank you,

 

I sure would like to have your skill in healing and moving on.

Your attitude towards breakups is great.

 

Question though, have you acquired this skill of yours through experience or had them from the first time you entered in a relationship? I am asking because it would be really interesting to know if this came from how you were brought up or solely from experience.

[Itspointless]

You have to constantly remind yourself if reality. Your heart and brain will always be at odds. Emotions usually trump. This goes for anything in life really. The best thing is NC, and, over time, the person simply becomes irrelevant.

True. I always find it hard though to find a good balance though. My last break-up touched a lot of old things. So I constantly had to be honest with myself what of the pain I felt belonged to the circumstance with her and what not. You know it actually is the fact that these people eventually become irrelevant that often saddens me.

Thank you, I guess only time and a positive attitude can help with this.

 

And in a way I guess learning to live with it would also act as a constant reminder that you stumbled but stood up again and walked forward.

Exactly, we can use these kind of experiences as a positive reminder of our strength. Also with time the memories of the other will make you smile again.

[Light Breeze]

If you let it, eventually your brain will win.

 

Try to remember that fantasy your heart is having is about the person you want her to be knocking on your door. It's not about the person she IS.

 

Interesting point here.

 

I guess I'm not at the point yet where I could really see her for what she is now. Guess, she's really still on the pedestal in my mind.

 

Hmm, another barrier it seems. Thank you for pointing that out.

[Ieris]

Thank you,

 

I sure would like to have your skill in healing and moving on.

Your attitude towards breakups is great.

 

Question though, have you acquired this skill of yours through experience or had them from the first time you entered in a relationship? I am asking because it would be really interesting to know if this came from how you were brought up or solely from experience.

 

I had some tough break ups when I was 16 and 18, where I was drying my tears with a towel, not tissues! So I have had some bad experiences and have come a long way since then. I mean break ups still hurt but I don't dwell on it as much now. I just come to realise that people will come and go in your life, the idea of being with someone who doesn't want to be with you is just pointless.