Divorce/Mental health issues

[ekj348]

Not really sure where to start. I'm a 31 year old mother and soon to be divorced. My marriage/relationship of 13 years is hopefully coming to an end. I started dating my husband when I was still in high school. We had a rough start to our relationship, and in hindsight probably should have ended it a long time ago. He was very insecure back then, he thought I cheated on him because I was friends with an ex. He was also racist-and my ex was of a different race. We had gotten to the point where we were "in love", so it was hard to just split-so we tried to work it out. And I was very naive-I thought he could change. I absolutely did not ever cheat on him, but ended up having to defend myself for the next 5 years. I ended up cutting off all my friends to make him happy and to trust me. (****ty on my part-which I regret) We had major arguments for about the first 5 years, and I just got to the point where I told him if he ever brought it up I would leave him for good. And he never brought it up again. Things got better. A lot better. We ended up getting married the next year, having our first child 3 years later, which we planned. He was the best dad I could have ever imagined. We were so happy. He got a really good job that allowed me to stay at home. We planned and had our second child in 2012. But in December of 2012, he met a guy who was a neighbor of my brother. My husband started hanging out with this guy, "Drew". Staying out late or working late, smoking weed-something he never did. I didn't approve, but couldn't stop him from doing it. For about 2 months he was so happy-optimistic, said over and over how much he loved his family. Then around March 2013, he started to withdraw, not come home, and we began fighting a lot. He brought up the issue of me cheating again. We fought and fought, and he ended up moving out in May, and moved in with Drew. We still communicated amicably, me thinking we would reconcile at some point. Then he began acting very strange. He would say just off the wall things like him being the next messiah, and he thought people were taking pictures of him with his shirt off at the pool. He said he was going to be a model so he got headshots done. And he was going to be an actor. And a Major League Baseball player. Always walked around with no shirt on. Then one day he came back to the house, and was being very aggressive. Screaming at me saying I slept with his brother, brother in law, all of his friends. He slapped a water bottle across the room and put a hole in the wall. Kicked toys across the room. All in front of our kids who were screaming. (Ages 3 and 9mos old). He was in front of the door when he raised his fist up like he was going to punch me. He turned around and punched the door. All I could say was "You need to leave" over and over. He finally left. I packed up the kids and moved in with my parents. So at that point I was a single, unemployed mother of 2. And now I was terrified of my husband. So I went and talked to an attorney about making sure I kept custody of our kids. So I filed for a divorce, and restraining order. I remember being terrified of keeping the kids at places he knows in case he came and tried to take them. Me and his family discussed possibility of mental health issues. The day I moved out with the kids he began with the harassing. Not just me, but his entire family, my entire family. Unbelievably cruel, horrible things. He even tried to get his brother fired. And threatened to beat up his 7mos pregnant sister because she was helping me. We contacted the local mental health facility, and he ended up being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. He apparently got involved with lots of other drugs, took random drives across the state, and ended up moving out of state with a girl he recently met, and Drew. And me, his family and my family all tried to get him help. He was just so vicious to everyone, and I had young children to protect and support. He quit providing any financial support in April 2014, when he ended up quitting his six-figure job, with no alternative employment. Basically abandoned me and our 2 very young kids. I felt like I was in a state of shock for a long time. Luckily I was able to get a job and with the help of my family, shield my kids from all of the ugliness that happened. But of course my older one is confused. I didn't just lose a husband-I lost a person-the guy I knew and loved didn't exist anymore. He went from a loving husband and father, to a just horrible person. And my kids lost their father. He ended up coming back after like 4mos, but never would go to counseling to learn how to deal with this disorder. I gave him months to do, something, anything. And he did nothing but want me to come and fix everything for him. Being a single mother of 2, still grieving, still incredibly hurt, I had no strength left to do what he was asking. So he ended up getting back together with the girl he ran off to Colorado with. She's also Bipolar. The woman who helped a married man abandon his kids... He ended up being committed June 2014 for a week. He was suicidal. When he got out, he got a job, seemed to be doing good. Still no financial support, minimal contact with his kids. He's still back into drugs, so he's not following doctors orders. I tried mediation with him, and he just argued because he couldn't have his way. He has major control issues. Even when he does call his kids, he never sticks to any schedule. I suggest a time, he changes it. So it's now been a year and a half since this all got really crazy. I just don't understand how a parent can just write off their children or make any kind of effort. I've never denied him access to the kids, unless it wasn't safe for them. I've gone above and beyond what anyone else would have done. I'm finally pushing the divorce because he seems stable enough to handle. I knew he wasn't stable before, so I wasn't going to take advantage of that. But I need closure-I need to move on with my life.

 

I guess I'm just venting. Every time I tell someone about what happened, it's still so surreal, and everyone's just kind of dumbfounded. I've been in counseling since June 2013. It's definitely helped-I'm definitely an advocate for therapy. And I'm not one to talk to others about my feelings or anything. This is actually my first time posting anything online. Any thoughts, advice, or feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.

[BlueIris]

My thoughts are, you’re pretty amazing! You’re really going through the wringer, and with two little ones to take care of, too. I was briefly married to someone who later found out he had bipolar disorder I with psychotic features, untreated, so I can understand the confusion and difficulty. You can’t do anything about that part, though, except to keep yourself and your kids safe and set to build a healthy life. I agree to get the divorce wrapped up and if he doesn’t cooperate or becomes unstable, just keep it going. You might end up with a judgment or decree by default if he can’t keep it together. Hang in there and keep going forward.

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

It's so much harder to bear situations involving crazies because we don't fully understand the depth of what it means to be crazy. We, the other party, often drive ourselves close to crazy trying to figure things out when in fact there's nothing too mysterious going on: the person's brain is malfunctioning, is all...we must try to not take such developments personally -- "how could s/he," etc., as if s/he were still the same person when it's obvious they've gone nuts -- but of course it's hard to not take things personally, as we are all stuck inside our own heads and that's all we know....

 

Please try to remember that your ex IS SICK, mentally sick, and therefore not the person he used to be when better...it's as if he's got Alzheimer's Disease, say, and doesn't remember you anymore...please don't take such misfortune personally, catastrophic and tragic as it is...you've got enough worries; be kind to yourself and try to let go of the sense of being cheated and wronged -- this will help you get well and move on.

[ekj348]

Thanks for the kind words. I've tried to keep in mind this whole time that he is sick. I've researched and talked to doctors and counselors and even went to a Bipolar support group. Nothing changes what I went through or how I felt or how his actions affected me. It just makes it that much harder because if it was just a "normal" divorce I think I would know more how to deal. But in my case I have sympathy for him, and anger, and sadness all at the same time. I can't imagine what he went through. I couldn't be his support when I could barely hold myself up and care for 2 innocent little children alone. Hopefully with time I can find a new "normal".

 

But thanks again for the support. All the best to you.

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

Yes, one of the toughest things in life is learning how to make the most of an unwanted situation while also being able to fully let go of it, to really try our best but truly able to acknowledge that success is out of our hands, ultimately...this may sound counter-intuitive but we are not responsible for the results, only for our effort -- again, we are NOT RESPONSIBLE for the success and failure of certain situations, ONLY that we try and try and try our best....

 

You've tried -- and you are still trying, maybe...just acknowledge your own good faith, your own good will, and leave it at that, knowing that nothing in itself will feel fully satisfactory but trusting that time will heal and reveal all....

 

The best to you, too.

[Downtown]

EKJ, a 2008 large-scale study found that 35% of men suffering bipolar-1 (and 27% of those having bipolar-2) also have full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention this because, if he does have strong BPD traits, this would explain the meanness and vindictiveness and irrational jealousy you saw during the first five years of your relationship. Those are warning signs for BPD, not bipolar.

 

Moreover, when a man is diagnosed as having both those disorders, it is common for therapists to report the bipolar (which is covered by insurance) but not the BPD (which nearly always is not covered). Generally, it is not in the best interests of the client to be told about the BPD, as I explain in Loath to Diagnose BPD.

 

Significantly, the onset age for BPD traits being strong usually is the early teens. In contrast, the onset age for bipolar usually is 18-30, with the average age being 25 (close to the late-20's when your H first started exhibiting the manic thoughts of being a model). Hence, if he really does have both of those disorders, it is likely you would have seen him becoming very jealous, controlling (trying to isolate you away from all your friends), and showing anger issues soon after you started dating in your teens. Then, perhaps 5 to 10 years later, the bipolar mania would have started showing.

 

If you are interested, I explain the differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If most of those BPD traits seem to apply, I would suggest you also take a look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. And I provide a more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, EKJ.