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What if you can't improve?


Alex84

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The love of my life (sofar) has broken up with me. We were together for 1,5 years. I have a hard time coping with it because the reasons she doesn't want me anymore are valid, and I knew this might happen for a while. I treated her great, we did a lot of romantic things, sex was good, but I don't have any friends at all. She is also hurting that it wasn't working, but she didn't treat me great the last 5 months. We broke up once before and after that I was trying to fix it and I think she was kinda using me for sex and me organizing cool things for her... She wanted to stick it out see if i could improve in the friends/work department. I did get a new friend, but he suddenly stopped calling because he was expecting twins suddenly so I was back to square one. Only one girl I sometimes chat with on whatsapp is left and my ex was always jealous of her(crazy)... I suffer from chronic depression due to long term abuse and chronic pain due to a nerve disease and another neurological disease. These are issues I have worked on as much as I can, but it's something I can't fix. It impacts my life because I can't work like other people. I want to try to do some hours of volunteering or a simple job that doesn't stress my body too much. But for her that wasn't good enough. She told me that I wasn't up to her minimum standards, even though i was a great person according to her. I am really heartbroken, I wanted to grow old with this girl and her son that I love alot. Even though the kid was kind of a pain in the ass, i loved him..

 

Long story short: How do you cope with a breakup when you have very limited options for self improvement. That means you aren't good enough doesn't it. At least for her. I am going to the gym but that's pretty much it, yeah and I'm looking for a new appartment since I don't have anywhere to stay now except my moms. I am very lonely and worried i can never find a woman, because even though I am not bad looking, I don't have the things in place that are required for a relationship. It is all very sad. We are now 2 months NC, and it's dead and buried.

Edited by Alex84
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MissMoneyPenny

I was in a car crash that left me with chronic pain (I've lived with pain for over 10 years). I've also had a whole host of side effects from pain meds to deal with on top and it has really got me down at times. I know this can make relationships harder but there are nice women out there who will want you. You can still be a fab partner.

 

Keep positive, do your best and you will find someone new =)

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If she left you because of your mental and physical problems then she isn't the right girl for you.

 

I could perhaps understand if you were a lazy layabout who did nothing all day, but you do not sound like that kind of person. It seems like you keep active and you excercise as well as putting in thought and effort into your relationship.

 

You shouldn't need to have a large social circle or the right job to be loved by someone. The best way you could self improve is by expecting a better standard for yourself and believe in your own self worth. Do not allow a woman to use you for her own gains in the future.

 

Breakups hurt, but you have dodged a bullet with her and as you said 'pain in the ass' kid. If you are doing good things like going to the gym and volunteering work etc... You sound like you are doing positive things alongside living with your problems. Any decent person who actually does love you won't let your job and number of close friends get in the way of that.

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Thanks guys for the support, I will have to do my best within my limits. I really did my best with her taking her to Paris and all kinds of romantic things. It all feels like I wasted my time now, but i do have some nice memories. Thing that sucks is that she also was my best friend.

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MissMoneyPenny

I know how you feel. My pain is a bit easier these days but I went years with it being really bad. I had to work during the majority of it and had to rest pretty much the rest of the time, this meant my social live was pretty much non existent so my then BF was my best friend. We had been together for several months, I turned to him one day and said I'm worried how I will manage if I have children (because of my pain). He replied shall I take you home? He took me home and left! Just like that! Lost my BF and my best friend and had to deal with the hurt of being dumped like that. I took him away for weekends too. Some nice memories but wish I hadn't wasted my time on someone who treated me like that. I've had two BFs who didn't mind at all about my pain and would have been more than happy to look after any kids if I was struggling. They were lovely we just weren't right for each other. There are nice people out there!

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The love of my life (sofar) has broken up with me. We were together for 1,5 years. I have a hard time coping with it because the reasons she doesn't want me anymore are valid, and I knew this might happen for a while. I treated her great, we did a lot of romantic things, sex was good, but I don't have any friends at all. She is also hurting that it wasn't working, but she didn't treat me great the last 5 months. We broke up once before and after that I was trying to fix it and I think she was kinda using me for sex and me organizing cool things for her... She wanted to stick it out see if i could improve in the friends/work department. I did get a new friend, but he suddenly stopped calling because he was expecting twins suddenly so I was back to square one. Only one girl I sometimes chat with on whatsapp is left and my ex was always jealous of her(crazy)... I suffer from chronic depression due to long term abuse and chronic pain due to a nerve disease and another neurological disease. These are issues I have worked on as much as I can, but it's something I can't fix. It impacts my life because I can't work like other people. I want to try to do some hours of volunteering or a simple job that doesn't stress my body too much. But for her that wasn't good enough. She told me that I wasn't up to her minimum standards, even though i was a great person according to her. I am really heartbroken, I wanted to grow old with this girl and her son that I love alot. Even though the kid was kind of a pain in the ass, i loved him..

 

Long story short: How do you cope with a breakup when you have very limited options for self improvement. That means you aren't good enough doesn't it. At least for her. I am going to the gym but that's pretty much it, yeah and I'm looking for a new appartment since I don't have anywhere to stay now except my moms. I am very lonely and worried i can never find a woman, because even though I am not bad looking, I don't have the things in place that are required for a relationship. It is all very sad. We are now 2 months NC, and it's dead and buried.

 

I felt a little bit angry for you when I read about what your ex told you. When loving someone truly, you should become the best version of yourself, not an ABC version something that your partner wants. And wasn't it you yourself that they felt in love with? Instead of thinking about the bad things she said about you, focused on nice things! And there is no one that is not good enough, except the case that they really think so. Sometimes when I watched the crime programs on TV, I got really amazed that so many cruel and evil criminals managed to get wives, girlfriends of boyfriends everywhere, then we, as "quite decent and nice" people should do too, right? :)

 

About the fear of not finding a woman, you've gotta try first, maybe online dating? There are many lonely souls in this big world, so just find a way to reach out and connect :) And even though relationships are great, love is great, having a partner is great, we can still survive and live well without those. There are many other nice things to do too :) Romance is not the only thing making you happy!

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Thanks guys/girls! Yeah I'm going to first try to solve a couple of issues that I can fix before jumping into something new. That way a new woman gets a fair shot. I don't want to use someone as a rebound or something like that.

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Are you in therapy to deal with the depression from your chronic pain?

 

 

Have you ever undergone vocational rehabilitation counseling? Those are special counselors educated to help people with injuries & conditions find activities or jobs they can do within their limitations.

 

 

You will survive the loss of your relationship. She wasn't the one for you if she was not willing to accept your limitations & love you anyway.

 

 

Have you thought about group therapy or a support group for people have your condition? You may be able to make a love connection with somebody who really understands your issues.

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Hello, yes I am in therapy at the moment. Have been several times over the years. She didn't have any major health problems in life, so i guess she didn't really understand what it's like to live like that. It's hard to find someone who doesn't judge and understands this. Maybe looking for someone with similar problems might be a solution.

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