That rebound guy feeling

[Invictus01]

Ah, yeah, how wonderful those 6 months had been... Met her back in May between the wedding and the reception at the bar she manages next to the reception place. I was out of town, killing a couple of hours. We kind of flirted from the far, I was wondering how I can get her number and if it was worth it. Then she came over behind the bar (as she admitted later, she was dying to find a reason to come over) and talked for a couple of minutes. And then my tab showed up and it was a half of it should have been... And then I wrote my number on the napkin, walked over to her in front of her whole staff in the middle of the staff meeting, told her thanks for the drinks and here is my number let me know if you want to hang out. She text'd a half an hour later... and so it begun...

 

We met up the next day and it was the best freakin' first date I have ever had or will ever have. We met up, had a few drinks, talked non-stop for 3 hours. Went to meet up with my best friend and his wife and his parents. Then all my best friends joined us. She met all people important to me right there on the first date. My BFF's mother drilled her on her life and aspirations like we have been together for years. We danced salsa, drunk margaritas and tequila shots. She left to her family dinner and skipped out of it early to come back and spend more time with me. We talked, we kissed for an hour. In 10 hours it seemed like we have been together forever. Then she dropped me off at my buddy's place. She later told all her co-workers that it was like a movie. And it was so much so that when I came back home, two days later, against my own rules of no long distance relationships or dating women in their mid 20s (I'm 37), I had a ticket to go back and visit her again in a month...

 

We stayed in touch all day long for 6 months, texting up the storm, chatting on the phone. The more I was finding out about her, the more I was thinking "Is this girl for real? She really got her stuff together" I'd go visit her at her place, she would come visit me. Back in September she went to Europe and we STILL kept in touch every day. I was like a little kid giggling at her texts and cute jokes. I was really falling for the girl. A little over a month ago I even met her parents (at her and their request).

 

Four weeks ago we were looking at the calendar picking the weekend I'll go visit her after her plan to come over for Thanksgiving fell through because of changed work obligations. 3 weeks ago it was 6 months since I met her, so I sent her some flowers and stuff. She was all happy about that. And then, literally the day she got 6 month flowers...

 

$hit got weird. Day by day I could feel something changing. A little less communication, she is busier with work. Oh, I got a happy hour tonight can't talk. Oh, sorry, my phone died. Oh, sorry, I was in meetings all day long. The weekend before last she got sick so I send her "Get Well" flowers with a stupid note. She didn't respond so I figured she was pretty sick. And two days later, I got a text that said "Thank you for the flowers and candy. It wasn't necessary but certainly appreciated. I am such a lucky girl to have such a good friend. I am 100% better now *smilie face* ". Tried to call her back, no response. Sent her a text, nothing back...

 

I got the message, I'm a smart guy. I won't chase her, no point. I have been 8 days NC, licking my wounds, not eating or sleeping well, trying to figured out what in the world happened to me. And the only explanation I can come up with... I was a hell of a rebound guy. You see, she flat out told me in the beginning that she was 2.5 months out a 1.5 year relationship. She told me her co-workers were so happy she found me because they wanted her to be happy again. She told me that her ex used to always put her down, talk down to her, etc. I, on the other hand, genuinely thought the the girl is pretty damn brilliant at what she did and really got her stuff together for her age. I built her back up and it was time for me to disappear.

 

I won't have problem finding somebody once I get over all this craziness. Not to sound too self absorbed but I know I am good looking very well educated guy with a good personality and a pretty good job that allows me to show a girl a good time. The question is... how the hell am I NOT gonna compare every future dating arrangement with this crazy intoxicating 6 month long mirage of a relationship I just was put through? It was just insane...

 

Ah, that rebound guy feeling...

Edited November 25, 2014 by Invictus01

[SoThatHappened]

You may have been a rebound guy, but I can guarantee you're missing something if you don't think her ex or someone else came into the picture.

 

Sucks to get dropped while still in the honeymoon period. Happened to me almost 6 months ago, and I don't envy you right now.

 

However, I was much further down the rabbit-hole with mine, so be thankful that through NC you should get over this in a few months. Took me the better part of 5 months to be over it. Feelings still there, but not the hurt.

 

Oh, my ex was also in her 20's (22). I'm 34. Never again, and I hope you learned that as well.

 

Good luck man.

[andilyn1]

Oh how I feel your pain. Except instead of being that rebound guy, I was that rebound girl. I feel used big time by him. He hadn't been out of his relationship long when we met, but he lied to me right from the start about how long ago it was. Anyway, this is about you, not me. I know it hurts. I really do. All you can do is keep up with the NC like you have been. It's still raw right now, but let time be your friend, and you will heal. I broke NC the other day, and pretty much immediately regretted it. So even if you slip up, just start the NC all over again. I myself am just taking it one day at a time. One hour at a time somedays.

[Invictus01]

I am about 95% certain she went back to her ex. You know, the guy who she would never go back to according to her. That last text I got... That's not her style. The only way she'd do this was because she was embarrassed and felt like crap about doing it.

 

This is by far the biggest mind f$%k I have been through, relationship or dating wise. It feels like I was conned. Like everything was some sort of a dream. Like I was seeing some imaginary girlie. Like that college football player who had a fantasy girlfriend that turned out to be a transvestite dude.

 

I just hope it wasn't on purpose. For about a week she reduced me to a pile of steamy feces. I was at a trade show last week out of town and could barely concentrate on what was being said or on presenting what needed to be presented. If she knew what she was doing, if she knew that she wasn't ready to date and still created this crazy imagine of happiness. This is just plain cruel.

[Invictus01]

Just in case... knowing that I will probably get hammered tomorrow celebrating Thanksgiving and trying to forget that she was supposed to be here with me...

 

Deleted her contact info from my phone.

 

Can't break NC... won't break NC... At least until I don't care anymore.

[SoThatHappened]

Good job, dude. You're smart for taking those measures to ensure you won't contact her.

 

There are so many people who can't stick to NC when it is necessary. In your case it is necessary.

[Invictus01]

Good job, dude. You're smart for taking those measures to ensure you won't contact her.

 

There are so many people who can't stick to NC when it is necessary. In your case it is necessary.

 

I have been here before. I mean... not to this extend but either way, nothing good happens out of keeping in touch. You can't get her back if she doesn't want to be back. And until I stop caring and it doesn't hurt anymore and I am absolutely indifferent when I think about her like she is one of buddies from the soccer team, I have no business talking to her. It's like poking an open wound on a regular basis and being pissed it doesn't heal.

[Chin Up]

Not to make light of your situation, but the transvestite and steamy feces comments had me lol'ing.

 

yeah dude, when I read "I am such a lucky girl to have such a good friend." my heart sank for you. ouch X infinity symbol. pfff friend? ugh ..pound sand.

 

You know what to do and you're doing it. good on ya. Since you've come to the conclusion you were a rebound, put yourself in a rebounders shoes. Ugly to face but grabbing that mofo by the horns will make it easier to deal with when you see everything for what it was instead of what you thought was happening. I'm prone to seeing the "best" in people when i shouldn't.

 

It's bizarre, but I find putting myself in the other persons situation to be helpful. hurtful...but helpful. I'm realizing my ex guy just lost interest in me. owwie. When I think about how I behave when I've lost interest in someone I see my exes actions and comments verifying that. All kinds of sucks and hurt, but it def makes it easier cuz it kills the "what if's?" and hope. Hope is a two faced jerk that likes to talk you into stringing yourself along for otherwise no good reason. You're good. You're thinkin' straight and no stranger to this. Keep on keepin' on and you'll be back to yourself in no time!

[Invictus01]

10 days NC... Today I was supposed to pick her up at the airport and spend a long weekend with her. Had all this great plans for us. All these restaurants to visit, all the new bars to try out... And now... Does she even remember who I am, the way she threw me out of her life? Can I fast backward my life back to May and NOT give her my number? Or maybe fast forward to the point where I don't care anymore? Cause where I am now is just not a happy place.

Edited November 27, 2014 by Invictus01

[SycamoreCircle]

Sociopath. I wonder if the BS these sort of people spout ever stands up before them like a bogeyman.

 

I also wonder if the only way to know you're in the grips of a fruitful, healthy love affair is if it feels entirely mundane, absorbingly ordinary.

 

All of the romantic energy you felt from her was a scared little hamster inside running round a wheel for its life, trying desperately to find something to cling to.

 

Drink up, man.

[Invictus01]

Day 11. I feel like $hit. I don't wanna get out of the bed and I am never like that when I'm not sick. I feel like I'm gonna puke and no, it's not all the thanksging drinking I did yesterday. This is supposed to get better as days go by, right? I am sure one day I will look at all this and laugh at my weak a$$. That day better happen soon.

 

On the bright side, I absolutely killed it in the gym yesterday and set personal bests across the board. Which makes all this even funnier. A 37 year old guy who is bench pressing 220 lbs for sets is heart broken like a 15 year old girl and can't even get out of the bed. Pathetic.

[Chin Up]

I get ya on the staying in bed deal. I spend a lot of time just laying around in bed with my lap top these days. I think I might be in the depression stage of getting over a relationship with twinges of acceptance, and the odd back track of anger. Pisses me off to no end when people say this to me, so i feel like a shmuck saying it to you, but getting up and doing sh*t really does help. The other day I bought books, video games, crafts..whatever I could think of, just to have things to distract myself. Its helped enormously, but today is a laying in bed with laptop day for me haha.

 

The first 3 weeks after my split I was so stressed out I was shaking all the damn time and would start gagging out of nowhere from the stress. If I had food/liquids in my tummy, there was a high chance I'd actually barf. It goes away but I know what a crummy feeling it is. Made me feel so fragile and pathetic.

 

It does get easier. I'm 1.5 months out and when I think back to how I felt in the beginning, well..I'm not quite in the laughing stage yet, but there is an element of surprise and amusement that at the time I felt like I'd be fubar over this guy for a very long time. Felt like I had a black hole in my chest. Lately, instead of missing everything about him, I find myself unconsciously thinking about the things I don't miss or like about him, which surprises and pleases me. Though i have my moments still (midnight text. groan!)

 

Things will start to shift in your favor .

[Invictus01]

I will be alright, I am sure. I just don't know how I will be able to get past comparing every future dating experience to that I had here. I mean, maybe if the girl is a super model or something (although this one was a former college cheerleader) and we fly around the world or something... maybe. But seriously, it was just so intoxicating and I broke so many rules for it, I thought it was fate. And I don't even believe in fate. Crazy

[blackcat777]

What do you mean, you broke so many rules for it?

 

I thought mine was fate, too. :\

[Invictus01]

Rules I broke... My own rules...

 

1. I don't do long distance relationships. They rarely work and somebody gets hurt

 

2. If it is more than just physical things, I stay away from women younger than late 20s. The emotional instability of those girls is insane and eventually they drive you insane.

 

I threw that out of the window because I just couldn't walk away from that one day we spent when we first met. It was so intoxicating awesome crazy great, I don't know how else to describe it. I really have no idea how I will be able to get any other first date and not go "well, that sucked" after that...

[Christophe]

Hey mate your situation is practically identical to mine. I had a LDR with a girl from Spain that lasted 5 months earlier this year. I totally understand everything you said and it all rings true with me.

 

Our love was beautiful, amazing like you said it felt like fate. She was crazy about me and we both visited each other a couple of times and spent a couple of holidays together. It was perfect. My girl went back to her ex (who is a complete idiot and our mutual friends know they are not good together). Anyway I am 5 months on after the break up and still struggling at times. It just doesn't make sense does it? I hate the feeling that we were used as a 'rebound'. Intentionally or not it ****ing sucks and I think some people (not sure about your girl) but my ex are just naive and immature. That's what I sincerely hope and that she did not use me intentionally. The girl I knew was so sweet and beautiful and I loved her like crazy. It's amazing how they can just drop you after everything they promised isn't it.

 

Guess I just want to say I totally get you and I think our situations are pretty much identical. I am still searching to regain my self-confidence. We have to somehow believe we can feel that good again I guess.

[Jet Lag]

It does get easier. I'm 1.5 months out and when I think back to how I felt in the beginning, well..I'm not quite in the laughing stage yet, but there is an element of surprise and amusement that at the time I felt like I'd be fubar over this guy for a very long time. Felt like I had a black hole in my chest. Lately, instead of missing everything about him, I find myself unconsciously thinking about the things I don't miss or like about him, which surprises and pleases me. Though i have my moments still (midnight text. groan!)

 

Things will start to shift in your favor .

 

I can vouch for this too! If you ever looked at my early posts I was making comments like everyone was lying, it doesn't get easier...but it is easier than it was at the start.

 

Don't get me wrong, it still sucks...and I still miss him every day...though not as much as I used to...and I have had days with no crying (not many of them).

 

Missing him today though!

[Waz]

Hey OP,

 

Been there, done that, not in the same way, but somewhat similar and it was my first everything etc. Though you seem to know what you're doin' and you have self-discipline. Time man, give it time. You know what, don't even bother to think what and why happened, when you catch yourself thinking of it, just think of something else. Someday, when you don't expect it, the answer will pop-up in your head from nowhere.

 

From what i read, without considering extreme varieties, i can think of these (or the combination of two):

1) The things you did to show your appreciation and love, were overwhelming for her, like she has commitment issues or she isn't used to it and it scared her. As you said, she is young, so that happens really often, everyone in this age changes their mind within seconds, it's natural. She didn't want to hurt you on purpose.

 

2) Her ex showed up, for sure (or someone new if it was long distance). Now, she called him, he called her, don't know, doesn't matter, the result is the same.

 

Either way, stay NC (i have a feeling you can do it efficiently ), focus on yourself, do what you got to do. You did nothing wrong. I don't know if it is her fault, but i'm pretty sure it's not yours (again, from what i read). So, don't overanalyze anything, you know what you did, you know what her actions told you, end of story, you know what you have to know. Now if she has issues, it's not your business, you can't fix anyones insecurities except from your own.

 

Stay strong and calm mate, you will get on your feet eventually and become stronger. No one says it's easy, but if you like challenges, then, if you do it right, you will win big time and the benefits will be enormous.

 

Good luck.

[Cupid's Puppet]

I'm afraid this is happening to me right now. This guy got his heart crushed, and he has been flirting a lot with me. We were good friends, but the flirting just about around the same time his ex started doing hurtful things to him. Because I am in such a vulnerable stage, I have to work really hard to protect my heart. Being in a rebound position absolutely sucks when you want a genuine relationship.

 

 

Folks need to get over their ex first. No one wants that feeling of wondering if you would go back to your ex if they wanted you back.

[Invictus01]

Day 12. Well, I am out of the bed, that's a progress. This nauseous feeling won't go away though. Practically forced myself to eat something yesterday. I think over the last month (since the girl started acting weird) I have lost close to 10 lbs, my clothes are practically falling off me now. I guess I am on a girl diet. Went out with a friend of mine last night. I guess I didn't look too great 'cause at one point of time he told me I need to snap out of it, then said "this will hurt a little" and slapped the **** out of me. Nope, didn't help.

 

I got a 20 year old chick on my ass. Met her last weekend while trying to force myself to have a dinner at a wine bar. She hit on me (here we go again), lied at first and said she is 23. I asked her when did she know that she will end up bar hoping with me, to which she replied - "When I saw you". We talked, I flat out told her my story and what I am going through. She then admitted to being 20. I almost fell out of my chair. Of course at that point she already had my number, so now I have a 20 year old admirer. That's awesome, dude, just great...

 

Time to go kick the $hit out of heavy iron objects in the gym. Beats the crap out of punching walls and stuff.

[Invictus01]

I have this absolutely crazy desire to break NC... And the only thing that keeps me from doing it is me knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can say or do to change this... I can only make it worse. And even after this weird display of weirdness... I still want her back.

[Invictus01]

Day 13. For some reason was waking up and checking my phone all night long as if she for some reason would send me a text. Funny, dude, really funny. All you have heard is a dead silence since you have been declared a good friend via a text... and she would drunk text you out of nowhere in the middle of the night? Good thinking. She didn't even bother with a "Happy Thanksgiving". We are such great friends though...

 

Can't stop thinking that the next weekend is gonna completely suck. Next weekend I was supposed to go visit her. I will still go. I had lived in that town for 12 years, so I have a town full of friends there. My best friend who is like a brother to me just had a baby boy a couple of months ago, I need to go visit the little dude. It is all good. I will just need to put up a show. I don't think my friends have ever seen me to go through one of these things. In the eyes of most of my friends I'm this heartless fun loving guy who never gets hurt by anything. Boy will they be surprised to see me in THIS state....

[Invictus01]

This is really pathetic. I woke up this morning thinking that hey, I'm thinking clear, I am getting better. Then went to get some good, couldn't even finish a half of it. Had to walk out of the place before finishing 'cause I thought I was gonna break down. How can this 26 year old kid possibly have such a hold on me after just 6 months?!? Granted that we stayed in touch every damn day all day long but still... I am a 37 year old man, dammit! This feels like some first love high school breakup or something. Come on, man, get your $hit together. I have been absolutely worthless for the last 2 weeks at work. I can't run a gawd damn business like this. Get... your.. $hit.. TOGETHER!!!

Edited November 30, 2014 by Invictus01

[Invictus01]

Day 14. Today I get to jump into a truck and drive around 7 hours to check on our field operations. Not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, I can pretend like I am not useless in the office since I am driving. On the other, 7 hours alone with your thoughts is kinda of a looooooooong time. You start thinking about all sorts of stuff like. Like, hey, the last time I drove over there was back in April, right before I met her. STOP IT!

 

There is a list of things about her I can think of that I wasn't sure about. She has a controlling narcissist mother who completely screwed up her self esteem. She got a bipolar brother and I have always wondered if this could potentially show up in her at one point down the road. She admitted that she has a tough time trusting anybody. Sometimes I wondered how a 26 year old kid can run a 5 million dollar restaurant with such efficiency and almost ruthlessness. Maybe she just doesn't have a heart? Somehow I was willing to overlook all this. Maybe I dodged a bullet in all this. Who knows. I am sure once I can think rationally all this will make sense somehow.

Edited December 1, 2014 by Invictus01

[johnson_j]

Day 14. ........Somehow I was willing to overlook all this. Maybe I dodged a bullet in all this. Who knows. I am sure once I can think rationally all this will make sense somehow.

 

 

Let me break it to you now - IT WILL NEVER MAKE SENSE. So get that thought out of your head. The sooner you realize this little fact, the quicker your recovery will be.

 

 

She's an immature person. Doesn't matter if she is 26 or 46. She did exactly what she said she would never do, and used you in the process. Maybe she did it on purpose, maybe it was never her intention to do it at all. But SHE DID IT. And Now the ball is IN YOUR COURT.

 

 

You're a 37 year old man. Let that sink in. Before you met her, you were confident and attractive. AND GUESS WHAT, you still are! It's just hidden now under your shame and hurt. You're probably embarrassed, embarrassed that it could happen to you. But don't be. You play the game, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

 

 

BUT, in the end you will win. How? You'll grieve the loss of what could have been, and then understand that you dodged a bullet. It will never make sense, and the pain will never disappear, just get more numb with time. You're doing the right steps - DO NOT break NO CONTACT. This girl showed you the door, now it's time for you to show her that DOOR IS CLOSED.