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Is My Bitterness Rational, Irrational, Or A Bit Of Both?


newtonthornburg

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newtonthornburg

Hello Community!

 

Long-time lurker, new poster here with a situation that I hope is nowhere near as unique as I think it is. Anyway, I'll begin with a story about my current relationship and ask the questions that I am seeking answers to afterwards. So, here goes...

 

About a year ago, I began a relationship with a classmate of mine almost two decades my senior (we're both back in school right now for second degrees in a high demand field). Although we initially agreed to a short-term, sexual relationship (i.e., one that would last until we both graduated), things quickly escalated into the old-fashioned way of doing things (you know, the kind of relationship where there are mutual feeling for each other and plans for the future are made).

 

Now, my girlfriend's story is quite heartbreaking: after 20 years of marriage with a man she met in college, she found out that he had married another woman and had started another family (according to her, although she had had inklings of him having another family, she only left him when she had definitive proof of their existence).

 

However, before she left him, there was a period of two years or so where my girlfriend had also been unfaithful and, during the weekend when we first started having sex with each other, she told me that not only had she made "videos" with one of the men she had had an extramarital affair with, but that she still kept in contact with this same man. I initially had no problem with her still talking to this ex-lover of hers and, to be honest, I was thrilled that she had made "videos" with this other man since I am extremely voyeuristic and I anxiously wanted to see them (for the record, she, at least at first, agreed to show me these videos when she found them in storage).

 

A month or so after we started seeing each other (and after we had decided that we cared for each other), my girlfriend begins to act really moody. After several attempts of asking her what's wrong, she finally screams at me that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it and that it's something she has to handle herself. I let the issue go, but I then find out about a week or so later that the reason she was so upset was that this ex-lover of hers had threatened to come from overseas and see her because she had told him that she was now involved with someone else. After I let her know that what she did was NOT OK at all and completely violated my trust in her, and after she admitted that what she did was grounds for termination of our relationship, I told her that I still wanted to see her but that it went without saying that she could no longer talk with this man.

 

Now, about four months ago, after a relatively calm period of us being together, this ex of hers begins to call and text her non-stop. After letting her know how much it bothered me that he still called, she finally blocked his number from her phone and, to the best of my knowledge, she hasn't heard a thing from him since. However, about two months ago, she also let me know that she had found her old camera (the one she had made "videos" on) and that she had thrown away the videos of her and her ex and that she had done so for two reasons: one, I wouldn't be able to handle the videos, and, two, she wouldn't be OK with seeing me in a video with another woman.

 

I was extremely upset when she first told me this and the issue has been unresolved on my part since then for at least three reasons: one, this was something that she had originally agreed to let me see and that I really, really wanted to see; two, she gets a smirk on her face whenever I bring up how upset this makes me; and three, although she probably did throw something away, I don't think she threw everything away.

 

Now, am I being completely unreasonable here, community members, as well as paranoid? I believe that she actually hasn't thrown away everything for at least two reasons: one, she's had problems with honesty in the past and, two, she's gained quite a bit of weight since moving back to the States and she can't go two days without mentioning how much she hates the way she now looks and how great it was when she was in such great shape (if she has a reminder of that in her "videos," why would she throw them away?...following off of this last comment and in an attempt to be COMPLETELY HONEST, this is the main reason why I wanted to see these videos as well...while I would have been perfectly fine with the woman I got had she not mentioned these "videos," I would really like the opportunity to see what she once was when she was, ahem, going at it). Is it extremely cynical and vain of me to admit what I just admitted? Is there anything that this woman can tell me , or do, that would make me feel not so frickin' bitter about being completely screwed over, if I have even been screwed over in the first place?

 

And, yes, I am that jerk who will not accept the possibility of making a film now since this is not the same woman physically that I would have seen on her video (and, as much as she wants to look like she used to, I know in my heart of hearts that she will never look anything like she used to since the ultimate drive to do so is no longer there).

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newtonthornburg
Kind of like worrying about a broken window while the house is burning down :|

 

I am not sure what you mean. Could you please clarify? Is this just a general saying that says I shouldn't worry about something so small or is there something about what you've just read that makes you think there's a larger issue at hand?

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MissMoneyPenny

You made it clear that she could not speak to her ex-lover so I'm not really surprised she destroyed (or at least told you that she destroyed) the videos of her and her ex-lover. Yes she agreed to show you them but was this before you got upset with her talking to her ex-lover?

 

Trust is a tricky one when you know your partner has cheated in the past (albeit in a previous relationship). I think you need to find out why she cheated.

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