First love 9 year relationship

[solivervolo]

Hello,

 

My ex girlfriend and I "broke up" September 1st and I moved out of the apt we have shared for the past 6 years. To quickly summarize our relationship we were together for 9 years (17-26) and grew apart, I was depressed for about a year three years ago due to work pressure and really dropped the ball in regards to our sex life, I feel like after that she sort of distanced herself (sexually) and wouldn't let me back in.

 

We have been best friends for 10+ years and at this point I feel like that's all that is left. She ended up cheating on me with someone from work about 5 months ago which is why I left, I couldn't find an apt that allowed dogs so gave my dog to my dad and let her keep the cat, entire apt with everything in it and started all over again as I couldn't bear being around things that reminded me of her (cost about 7k to move out and buy things I needed). she stated that it was not cheating as we "were not together like that" which sort of confuses me, she works nights and I work days so I couldn't deal with her coming home at 4am or even 11am in some instances after finding out about that.....

 

I have been working on myself and trying different things, I have a completely different outlook on life and am getting away from being that needy/desperate person I use to be and I truly believe she lost interest due to me acting like a female in the relationship due to my insecurities.

 

At this point we have not gone more than 2 days without speaking in the last 2 1/2 months since the breakup, she will respond to my texts and pickup if I call but over the past couple of weeks I have stopped calling/texting so much but will respond/pickup if she calls. Two nights ago she called me after getting home from work and we spoke for about 30 minutes (mostly about her new roomate and how messy she is or general life stuff) and I kept the conversation light but have not heard anything since. Why do you think she does this? Is it just to string me along? Maybe to check in on me? I really don't know.....

 

I'm at a point now where I don't know what to do, do I keep on with my life and continue answering her calls/texts until she has feelings for me again or try and push a bit and see if she wants to meet in person?

 

I know its a stupid thing to say but I really feel like she will "forget me" over time and move on with her life (dating wise)....Why I want to be with a girl who betrayed me is something I ask myself every day, I still love her and feel that another woman won't fill the deep emotional connection we had since childhood as all of my memories growing up are with her, first car, first apartment, college, pets, family, holidays etc.....

Edited November 21, 2014 by solivervolo

[LakersFan81]

Hello,

 

My ex girlfriend and I "broke up" September 1st and I moved out of the apt we have shared for the past 6 years. To quickly summarize our relationship we were together for 9 years (17-26) and grew apart, I was depressed for about a year three years ago due to work pressure and really dropped the ball in regards to our sex life, I feel like after that she sort of distanced herself (sexually) and wouldn't let me back in.

 

We have been best friends for 10+ years and at this point I feel like that's all that is left. She ended up cheating on me with someone from work about 5 months ago which is why I left, I couldn't find an apt that allowed dogs so gave my dog to my dad and let her keep the cat, entire apt with everything in it and started all over again as I couldn't bear being around things that reminded me of her (cost about 7k to move out and buy things I needed). she stated that it was not cheating as we "were not together like that" which sort of confuses me, she works nights and I work days so I couldn't deal with her coming home at 4am or even 11am in some instances after finding out about that.....

 

I have been working on myself and trying different things, I have a completely different outlook on life and am getting away from being that needy/desperate person I use to be and I truly believe she lost interest due to me acting like a female in the relationship due to my insecurities.

 

At this point we have not gone more than 2 days without speaking in the last 2 1/2 months since the breakup, she will respond to my texts and pickup if I call but over the past couple of weeks I have stopped calling/texting so much but will respond/pickup if she calls. Two nights ago she called me after getting home from work and we spoke for about 30 minutes (mostly about her new roomate and how messy she is or general life stuff) and I kept the conversation light but have not heard anything since. Why do you think she does this? Is it just to string me along? Maybe to check in on me? I really don't know.....

 

I'm at a point now where I don't know what to do, do I keep on with my life and continue answering her calls/texts until she has feelings for me again or try and push a bit and see if she wants to meet in person?

 

I know its a stupid thing to say but I really feel like she will "forget me" over time and move on with her life (dating wise)....Why I want to be with a girl who betrayed me is something I ask myself every day, I still love her and feel that another woman won't fill the deep emotional connection we had since childhood as all of my memories growing up are with her, first car, first apartment, college, pets, family, holidays etc.....

 

9 years, wow that's crazy. I was with my ex for a little over 5 years before she left me in June, and I thought that was a super long time.

 

She was my first real relationship as well, and all my first memories are with her. I was with her my whole time in college so every memory from college is with her as well. It sucks, but you feel that way because we don't know any better.

 

We both deserve better. We both were betrayed. We just don't see how we would find anyone better because we don't have anyone to compare them too. I still love my ex too even though she disrespected me and betrayed me, and doesn't care at all about me anymore. It's messed up, but people say those feelings will go with time. What were both feeling is emotions right now, and I guess we just have to have faith that they will eventually go away.

 

I still struggle some days, and still think about her every day, but I would advise you to go NC. It does help some. It's a little tougher for you because she actually talks to you still. My ex went from talking to me every day to nothing just like that when nothing major even happened so I had to go NC because I pretty much had no other choice. Texted/called for a couple weeks after the breakup, but she just ignored me every time. 5 months later, and I still can't believe I haven't got an apology from her or anything. She moved away and is just loving her life it seems.

 

Go NC, and stay busy. Staying busy definitely helps. Whenever I get lots of downtime, I think about her and wonder what she's doing and it brings back the feels which sucks.

[True Gent]

Firstly she won't forget you. You cannot possibly spend so long with someone and then just forget it all. A relationship of this lenght means you end up etched on each other.

 

My 9 year relationship ended a year ago. I know exactly how you are feeling. Your ex is so used to having you as her best friend that the habit of talking to you is hard to break. She will never miss you if you allow friendly conversation to persist. You will just reinforce the whole 'friend' image in her mind rather think of you as an ex lover.

 

You have to go NC as this will help you both come to terms with the breakup and it will give you the best chance of moving on.

 

It's up to you if you want her back, but honestly you know that's the wrong decision. She cheated and basically doesn't see you as a lover anymore. Your best chance is get completely out of her life, she has to realise what she's done to you and she needs to accept that she lost you because of it.

[Arient]

So sorry for your pain It sucks, especially with such a long relationship.

 

But after reading, I believe that it's not healthy at all for you to keep contact with her. If a couple felt out of love, then "being friends" might work, but it will never be healthy if one still has feelings, it will only be a loss for the one with the feelings, and in this case, it's you. My ex and I also kept contact constantly for 3 months after BU, but I finally realized that it was a toxic decision. It's so convenient for the dumper, as they feel less guilty, and feel that they still own a part of your life. How selfish is that, that they still want us in their life but do not want to spend it with us? About your gf, she still contacts you because she misses and wants to keep the "friend" part, but nothing else, and it will hurt you in the future when you can finally realize that the chance of romance is zero. So stop it, go NC RIGHT NOW, I don't say that you should cut all chances of being friends with her, but it's not just the time for those "friend things" now. When you move on quite far enough, you two can always reconnect and be friends, but it's just NOT NOW.

 

About the fear that she might forget you, I had the exact same fear back then, before and after BU, that if I don't keep the light connection, he would forget me. But trust me, if the person really loved you in the past, they would still love you in some form, regardless of how much time has passed. They will not miss you as much, but they will not forget you, as you were such a big part in their life. And you will gradually forget your ex too, at some levels. Kick that fear away. Focus on yourself and stop thinking and worrying that she will forget you. It's should not be your concern anymore.

 

I know 9 years, especially during such youthful and wonderful years in your life, it's such a heartbreaking pain to go through. But the past is just the past. You enjoyed many first things with her, but you WILL enjoy many new things with someone else. Each love is different, so it's hard to expect that you will find a woman whom you can connect with like you did with your ex. But just remember, it's still the connection, it's just in a different ways or forms. Trust in love, because it's a wonderful thing

[solivervolo]

Thanks for all the responses, I just don't think I can do NC with the holidays coming up but I know i should. It's not only missing her it's missing the life we had, I mean we built up a lot of "things" over that time and our house felt like home (pets as well). I just feel so empty and lonely in my new apt and find myself mostly depressed that I had to start all over and am without someone to share my life with.

 

Do you guys think I should just tell her that I don't want to talk anymore or just drop off? I can resist calling/texting her but if she calls that's where I have the most trouble. The problem with NC for me is I don't see it as a way of healing myself rather a way to get her back...

 

Honestly this may sound pathetic and I am ashamed to even post this but there are days where I actually contemplate suicide but doubt I would ever act on it, I feel like I put so much into my life up until now and it was just ripped away, I feel like an empty shell and have so much regret for leaving, I would have almost rather stayed and dealt with the pain/anger of cheating than left just to keep the life I had and fight for it.....During the actual separation I couldn't eat/sleep or really even go to work so I know that would have been impossible but the regret now is very overbearing.

[True Gent]

I know it hurts losing your pets as well as the relationship. I gave our dogs up to the ex, one of the dogs we had for 8 years from a pup. Believe me it hurts.

 

The thing is you can deal with it, you just have to stay focused on what is ultimitley going to be the best for yourself. I keep telling myself that the dogs and contact with the ex will only hold me back. Even though you may be alone for now and you have to adapt to a new life and break the habits of your past life together, it isn't going to be permanent to be alone.

 

The longer you hold on to nostalgic thoughts, the longer it will be until you are free to find what is out there waiting for you. The timing has to be right.

 

We just have to get through the current period of self reflection, and motivate ourselves to live for our own wants and needs. It really is all down to time, it is not going to be a picnic.

 

Please do not consider suicide, your family would be devastated if you ended your life over your ex. I know the thoughts of "what's the point" and "my life is empty without her" etc... All go around in our minds at this stage of your breakup, but it's only a moment in time. It will pass, it's gonna hurt and once you ride this rollercoaster of emotions and get off at the end, you will be so much better for it.

 

Hold on tight and remember, staying in touch with her only prolongs your recovery. She cheated on you, that is the worst thing she could do after so long together. She's lost you and you have nothing to feel guilty about for breaking all ties.

 

The single bachelor life can be really great if you have hobbies that you can get into. You have never lived your life with only yourself to consider, so make the most of it. Buying all of my new toys and gadgets over the past 12 months has really been a treat. I couldn't of done it whilst with the ex, doing exactly as you choose is very enjoyable.

[solivervolo]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses, they really mean a lot to me.

 

As it stands I have a huge amount of regret for leaving my home, I keep thinking back to when I left and feel like if I stood my ground more than just running away I could have salvaged things If I only had the knowledge and willpower that I have now (maybe even told her to leave). I really desire the comfortable home life I use to have and feel cold in my new environment due to leaving everything with her.

 

I seem to have forgotten how bad things actually were, the last few weeks I was moving out she barely came home (I work 9pm-5pm she works 5pm-2am) showing up at 11:00am and just going back to work at 5:00pm before I got home from work. I basically couldn't function and had to take time off work, I couldn't eat (would throw up) and lost about 25lbs (not a good thing for me). I would act obsessive checking the bank account to see where she was or even checking the cell phone records after hearing about the cheating, I had to split the bank account and split the phone so I had no idea what she was up to.

 

As it stands now we are in LC and I have backed off calling or contacting her but answering if she calls me, the weirdest thing to me is that she acts completely neutral with me, she will take my calls, sometimes call me when walking to work and want to meet up every once in a while. You all might think i'm crazy but I still love this girl, I doubt it will ever work again as we basically dissolved the life we built together (almost like a divorce, bank, phone, pets etc.) and she wouldn't want to look back after that especially since she has a roommate in the apt we shared and the apt is in disarray.

 

I sort of feel like a pathetic excuse for a man, wanting to go back to a woman who betrayed and doesn't want me, I'm not sure why those feelings exist but feel it's from the deep attachment going back to childhood.

Edited November 25, 2014 by solivervolo

[Feelbettersoon]

9 years, wow that's crazy. I was with my ex for a little over 5 years before she left me in June, and I thought that was a super long time.

 

She was my first real relationship as well, and all my first memories are with her. I was with her my whole time in college so every memory from college is with her as well. It sucks, but you feel that way because we don't know any better.

 

We both deserve better. We both were betrayed. We just don't see how we would find anyone better because we don't have anyone to compare them too. I still love my ex too even though she disrespected me and betrayed me, and doesn't care at all about me anymore. It's messed up, but people say those feelings will go with time. What were both feeling is emotions right now, and I guess we just have to have faith that they will eventually go away.

 

I still struggle some days, and still think about her every day, but I would advise you to go NC. It does help some. It's a little tougher for you because she actually talks to you still. My ex went from talking to me every day to nothing just like that when nothing major even happened so I had to go NC because I pretty much had no other choice. Texted/called for a couple weeks after the breakup, but she just ignored me every time. 5 months later, and I still can't believe I haven't got an apology from her or anything. She moved away and is just loving her life it seems.

 

Go NC, and stay busy. Staying busy definitely helps. Whenever I get lots of downtime, I think about her and wonder what she's doing and it brings back the feels which sucks.

 

Lakersfan81 - how are you doing now? Our stories were so similar, just touching base to see how things are

[somecamel]

Dude you're being Friend-zoned.

 

My ex cheated on me as well, I found out and done exactly what you done with the spying etc, it's not healthy.

 

We were best friends as well and a year on I still feel that pang of unhappiness when I think about her but still talking to her is a big no no now.

 

You're too available, I bet you probably talk more now than when you were with her?

 

How are you going to feel when she meets someone else?

 

Is she still seeing the guy she cheated on you with?