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My "no contact" diary


Beergoggles

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So, it's finally come to this. After 4 long months of trying to cope with the loss of my ex, I have decided that I need a place where I can anonymously empty my head.

 

First, a little background story:

 

My ex and I where together for 3,5 years. We lived together for 2 of them. He was my first love and I thought we were perfect for each other (as every couple does). We had a relationship full of quirky humor, love for each other and we planned on a future together. We were totally honest with each other, kept no secrets and basically, despite everything around us falling apart, we did amazing together. Attended family parties and festivities, knew each others parents and siblings very well and everything was going great (or so I thought). I was even an auntie to his nephew. I know they say relationships that break are not really that good, but ours was. My friends and family are all in shock of what he did.

 

My ex had been going trough a tough year with his studies. He had few friends and was not happy with his classes. His days would consist of hanging out with me, skipping classes and playing video games. This went on for a year.

 

Then during summer, he attended a summer camp (as a leader) for religious children along with a lot of fellow summer camp leaders and old friends. He was away at this week long camp for his birthday, and I went out to see him, brought him his present and got to meet everyone.

 

The saturday after (last day of camp) he attended a party with the rest of the leader crew. There, he ended up cheating on me with a fellow leader. A girl which also had a boyfriend.

 

He came home and told me everything, he was crying, he was devastated. He said there was nothing wrong with me. But that he could not trust himself, and that in all of this he had noticed a feeling sneaking up on him: he wanted to do it all over again. To make matters worse, he broke up with me and refused me a chance to fix it. I moved out of our apartment and back in with my parents in another city.

 

He has been initiating conversation over Skype, begged me to come see him, we have talked for hours. Mostly, I have been the one to initiate contact, so I have basically asked for this sh*t I guess. We slept together for a whole weekend about 6 weeks after we broke up. But, he has also maintained contact with the girl he had been cheating on me with (who also lives about 8 hours away) and it has taken a really hard toll on my self esteem, causing me to retreat every time I feel I get close to getting him back.

 

Last friday we had a really bad row. For 3 weeks we had been talking, having phone sex, sending text messages, basically things were just as they where before. He asked me to please come and see him, said that I could stay at his house and I wanted to so bad. So I decided to come and see him in his town by surprise for a weekend. He got really surprised and happy when I was at the door so suddenly. He takes me in, embraces me, sniffs my hair and basically in every way enjoying that I was there. We have really good sex. 4 times.

 

Then suddenly he asks me to leave. Says he cannot take the guilt. I protest. Nobody knew I was in his town and I had nowhere else to go. So I ask if I could at least please order a plane ticket home. He lets me. I go to the company home page, and in the ticket form my name autocorrects to hers.

 

Thats when I realized he had been seeing her not long ago. He admits to, says he is in love with her and that they have met up several times. That they where basically in a relationship and that he had just cheated on her with me. I was foolish to believe that he was a good guy I guess.

 

I started crying, I have a past containing a really bad rape case, and I felt used by him and hurt by him like I had never before. Of course, knowing about his status I would never ever have allowed myself to sleep with him. All I said was "knowing my past, being the guy in my life I ever have trusted the most, how could you just use me for sex like this?" He broke down crying and I left.

 

And I have not spoken to him since. I am having a really hard time coping with the loss of my best friend. The feeling of being replaced by another woman, of not being good enough for him. Of giving him my all and being rejected for someone else. My self worth right now is just at it's ultimate lowpoint. And of course: the ****ing breadcrumbs. "I just wish we had met 5 years later", "I still have a lot of feelings for you, I just cannot be in a relationship with you right now", "you would make a great mother to my children", "knowing what I did to you, I cannot look you or your family in the eye again".

 

We have been in no contact since friday, and this time I plan to keep it that way.

 

I have not yet realized that this relationship is unable to be fixed. Yet I can't take the lying and cheating anymore. Dear Loveshack, please help me through this...

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Today has been really hard on me. The first few days after our row I was surfing on a wave of girl power. Realizing that we could never gain back what we lost, I felt kind of liberated I guess. Weak, but liberated.

 

The last days have been empty. I've been struggeling with feelings of guilt. I am the ultimate good girl: good grades, kind of nerdy, a family person and I feel guilty about almost anything and everything, even when it's not my fault. I guess it's just the way my parents raised me: as a big sister with lots of responsibilities.

 

My trigger no 1 today was when I got to see a snapchat video message from my ex sister-in-law containing their son (my former "nephew") reading a magazine. In the background I can see his tights. I could recognize those tights from a mile away, the pants I bought him, the shape of them, how I used to caress them while he was driving me. It really messed my mood up.

 

At least I know that he is alive and doing ok...

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I'm getting really inpatient today. I keep wondering how long this will hurt, for how long I will spend my days thinking about him. For how long he will linger in the back of my mind.

 

I know he is not over me, but I also know that it will take a long time before I hear anything from him. If I ever do hear anything at all. He's the kind of guy that always took ages to decide. Even deciding what to have for dinner was a challenge for him. The last four months all I have been hearing from him has been gibberish, really. He loves me, but he doesn't want me. Not now.

 

I know I have to give him time. Space. Room to actually miss me. Give myself time to heal, meet other people. Set my thoughts straight.

 

But it feels like.. I'm not seeing the end of this. Or something.

 

If someone is reading this... How long did it take you before you felt ok again?

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LostInTheWild

You don't ever stop feeling like you haven't lost something. You have. And you'll never forget that. The only thing left to do is to allow him to become a distant memory in your mind.

 

The amount of time it takes depends on your willingness to completely let him go. How many demons do you have in your closet that you need to work on? Start doing something about it. All I have read so far is about him. Work on yourself, pretend he's dead because he's gone and he has shown you repeatedly how little regard he has for you, even knowing your damaged past.

 

The only person left in this mess is you, and how many pieces you need to pick up that have been broken is resting solely on your shoulders. It doesn't matter what he is doing; what DOES matter is what you're doing to make changes in YOUR life.

 

And you'll know when you're free of pain. You will have that moment, I promise. One day you will run into someone and they'll tell you something or ask you something about him and you will be able to talk about him without any feeling. Someone will say, "Hey, did you hear he got ran over by a car?" And you roll your eyes and say, "Yeah, I saw him on the news, too bad he lost his legs." And you'll skip away not thinking twice.

 

I was with my ex for three years and knew him for 9 or 10. It took me about a year to feel normal again, but my life is messed up. For self-esteem purposes, don't knock the idea of finding your own rebound (for yourself, not to make him jealous). It can be comforting to remember that you're still loveable, but never get attached.

 

Hope it works out for you. ;)

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I'd have to say, LostInTheWild and I think pretty much the same way.

 

BeerGoggles, the story with my ex is very similar to yours. I know you are just keeping a NC diary on here and mostly using it to vent and not seek advice, really...but I'm going to offer my 2 cents anyway. lol

 

I was so full of hurt and anger this time last year. It was awful. The best thing you can do is go about your life as normal. Try your very best not to contact him. For any reason. I wish you the vey best of luck. I know how hard NC can be to maintain.

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WillLoveAgain

It's been 2 months today since the BU and i still feel as confused, shocked and hurt. I have moments of clarity and there is no pain and hurt but it doesn't seem to last.

 

I know that healing a broken heart is not easy and it will not happen overnight but sometimes i wish there was an EASY button...but i will probably miss the lesson I have to learn from this if there is a shortcut but sometimes i wish there was.

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Hey beergoggles,

 

dont worry, you are not alone on this. I myself have just gotten dumped by my girlfriend of 2 years. She had fallen out of love. I wish I could meet a girl like you. Who will stay with a man through any obstacle. You deserve a lot better, don't settle for less. What helps me is writing down my thoughts, whatever it may be. I also cry whenever I could, I spoke to my therapist and she said that crying is our body's way of balancing out chemicals in our brain. Basically you are releasing those bad chemicals from a broken heart, if that even make sense. it didnt to me so I wont blame you if you dont, I just do it anyway.

 

I dont know if its the same with women but I find talking to other guys (friends) about the breakup doesnt help me at all. But from reading blogs and websites, it says that women make use of girlfriends alot more efficiently than men. So maybe you could use that to your advantage, emotional support from family, girlfriends may help you alot so try that.

 

But I know you will make it through this. I have learned from mistakes, I have my highs and lows, and during those low times is when I have the most urge to contact my ex. But after several times of prolonging the pain, I decided that not contacting her is better.

 

You are not alone on this. You seem like a very sweet, caring, loving girl that deserve someone who will also be there for you through thick and thin. That person will come someday. You will make it through this I promise.

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If someone is reading this... How long did it take you before you felt ok again?

 

Before I felt ok again? well lets see, I have only been broken up with my ex of 2 years for about a month from today. Halloween was the worst day, Im not sure why but I felt really low that day. I decided to give her a call because I was weak, I found out she was going out with a bunch of people and going to a haunted house place. It hurt more to know that while I'm here sitting and crying, she is out having a blast. I bet not a thought of me crossed her mind that day. It was painful, No I did not stop calling her after that, but I did call once a week after that. Last time I spoke to her was 2 days ago, it was to get a proper closure and we ended on good terms. I posted a thread on that. But to be honest, It has been alot easier on me after that, I'm actually able to go through my day just fine. She still crosses my mind every now and then but it doesnt affect me as much.

 

I wasnt moving on before that because I had hope that she will come back. its what kept me from moving forward.

 

Hope is what keeps people from moving on, so if you cant get that from him, I would suggest you make a list of things why you shouldn't take him back. I don't want to be harsh but you should be able to find it easier he's not coming back because he has another girl. That should be enough reason to know.

 

My ex just left me because she fell out of love. I can think of a million things why she fell out of love and what I could I have done to fix it. But what got me moving forward is knowing she is not coming back. Maybe someday she'll regret leaving me, she's turning 21 soon. Maybe after she has her fun, she'll know all the things I gave her, all the love and affection. She may not see it now because all she's focused on is "what all good things can I do now that I'm 21..." someday she'll realize it. If she wants me back by then, It might have already been too late because I moved on. But im not looking forward to that day, because honestly, If she is willing to take the risk to lose me forever for her own reasons. Then I'm willing to move forward as well, because I do not need her.

 

But hey, I got carried away there. Sorry... anyways, I'll keep checking in on your diary and will be with you through this. Like I said, you're not alone.

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Thank you, guys, for your kind messages and words. :) Reading trough this made me realize a lot of things I have not thought of before, it's nice to get a little outside perspective from someone going trough the same hardships. I really appreciate that you are taking your time to write me, It just helps a great deal knowing that I'm not alone in this. :love:

 

I want to take a moment to respond to some of your sentences that particularly helped me today!

 

LostInTheWild:

 

"You don't ever stop feeling like you haven't lost something. You have. And you'll never forget that."

 

Thank you for this. Here the other day I told my story to a close friend that I do not have the opportunity to speak to that often (he lives in another country) and I found a lot of comfort in his reply to my suffering. All he said was: "I am so sorry." I did not realize exactly why this helped me so much, but I think you just gave me the answer. It's true: I have lost someone. And yes, it feels like that person is dead. I keep looking in desperation for a person inside of him that I recognize, that I feel safe with and loved by. But I cannot find him, I cannot recognize him in my ex anymore: its like someone else is living in the shell of my old boyfriend, my best friend and my lover. It's an illusion really: he is alive, but he is gone. And I have lost him. All I can do now is grieve. So thank you, this made so much difference and gave so much meaning to me.

 

"All I have read so far is about him."

 

This was also a realization to me. And to be honest, it makes me feel a bit pathetic. I bet he is not out there thinking about me to the same extent. I don't think he lets me occupy that position in his mind and in his heart anymore. So why should I? I let my life surround him, even if he does not show me the same attention.

 

And I also have to mention the anecdote about the car crash. It makes me laugh just thinking about it! Thank you for making my day a lot better!

 

Me85:

 

BeerGoggles, the story with my ex is very similar to yours. I know you are just keeping a NC diary on here and mostly using it to vent and not seek advice, really...but I'm going to offer my 2 cents anyway. lol

 

Haha, I do appreciate you offering your 2 cents! A lot actually! Just to know that someone is reading trough all of my bull**** gives me great feeling of being understood by someone. And I am so sorry for your loss as well, I am glad you feel better. It gives me hope to know that I will get over it eventually, just as you did! Thank you!

 

WillLoveAgain:

 

I know that healing a broken heart is not easy and it will not happen overnight but sometimes i wish there was an EASY button...but i will probably miss the lesson I have to learn from this if there is a shortcut but sometimes i wish there was.

 

I wish someone would invent the EASY button as well! Haha. Lets hope we both learn something from this experience. I guess what I have learned so far is that if a guy chooses not to be with me by breaking up, there is nothing I can do to convince him he is making a mistake. Believe me when I say I have tried anything. From those stupid "get you ex back now"-websites to just calling him crying and sending letters. I would have saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd left him to his own devices right away. Thank you for sharing!

 

Creyente7:

 

"I wish I could meet a girl like you. Who will stay with a man through any obstacle. You deserve a lot better, don't settle for less. "

 

I guess when you wrote this you didn't imagine how much it would mean to me. I really did give him my all, tried my best to help him trough things. And I stayed understanding and reasonable with him most of the time. I cannot one time during this process of breaking up recall being angry. Just sad and depressed, really. And I have not said one bad word about the b*tch that broke us up. (First time now! Haha :laugh:) I have not contacted her, have not spoken badly to our friends about him or her. I think handled it pretty well (maybe to well) and I tried so hard to make it work. I still do. I still feel attached to this guy, even though he treats me like crap. But one day, I hope I will meet someone like you. Who appreciates that quality of persistence in me. And it gave me hope knowing there are guys like you looking for someone like me out there. So thank you!

 

"I wasnt moving on before that because I had hope that she will come back. its what kept me from moving forward. Hope is what keeps people from moving on, so if you cant get that from him, I would suggest you make a list of things why you shouldn't take him back. I don't want to be harsh but you should be able to find it easier he's not coming back because he has another girl. That should be enough reason to know."

 

You are right. It's hope that he will one day come back that keeps me from healing from his. I am horrible at letting people go, I always have been. The first time he cheated my first thought was "ok, it's one time, I can adapt to this". When he said he wanted to do it again, I thought "I can handle an open relationship.. If I try?" When he chose going back to a camp reunion to see her instead of fixing things with me, my first thought was "but, he's not going to fall in love with her? We can fix this, I just have to give him time" and the forth time he hurt me, the row on friday, I thought "Ok. You're in another relationship right now. But maybe if I give him a year, 2 years. How long he wants... Then maybe we can reunite?" I even talked to him and told him this. Told him that it still was not impossible to fix it. But if he wanted to fix it by now, he would have... Right? He has gotten so many chances to do it. And he still has not. It should give me reason enough to not hope anymore, shouldn't it?

 

That last sentence you wrote there punched me in the stomach like a rock of at least a ton. It will take me some time to digest, but at least: thank you for being honest. Maybe being harsh about it is the only thing that will work for me.

 

Here is my list, btw:

1. He has no interests and no friends of his own

2. He has a great lack for ambition in his life, and he is really bad at school

3. He is a 22 year-old that refuses to eat vegetables

4. He is horribly lazy, he hates to do dishes

5. He does not care at all about what he wears (dirty clothes that does not fit)

6. He is not very good in bed

7. Going trough this has made me realize that his is such a manipulator, immature and VERY selfish. Not at all the good guy I thought he was. (And everybody else thought as well)

8. My parents never bonded with him and he did not make an effort to know my family as good as I knew his.

9. He never shows initiative to do anything outside of the house except for sex. (Events, parties, seeing friends, going out to eat, travel.)

 

Haha, this list makes me think about why we were even together in the first place. :laugh:

 

Thank you for saying I'm not alone in this. :)

 

 

Just a final precision: (this is long as a novel, I'm so sorry!)

 

I know this breakup really brings out the most pathetic person in me. And I seem like this slob that's just sitting around crying over my ex (at least that's the girl I imagine in my head when I read through my writings in this thread). I just felt like saying that I am not. I don't know what I feel like proving. Maybe just that I'm a normal girl: I study an exiting topic, I have lots of interests, I have friends, I care about the people around me. And I'm not ugly or anything (at least I hope). I guess I'm trying to tell you I'm not a loser most of the time (just right now). :)

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Its okay, you are fragile at this point. I know everything you see probably reminds you of him. Because thats how I am with my ex. But there will be a time when you say, "okay thats it, why am I crying for this guy, he doesnt deserve any tears from me!!!" Then you will pick your self back up. Its not pathetic for you to cry. Shoot im a 22 year old, 6'1ft 190 pound man and I still cry, I dont cry to feel sorry for myself, I cry because I lost someone important to me.

 

But yes you did well staying away from him. Just let him become a distant memory. I know it might be hard right now but it will get easier. I sound like a hypocrit saying this but just a few hours ago, I looked at my ex's instagram and there she is, being all happy...I feel like she shouldn't have any right to have fun because she hurt me. Lol but thats what I get for checking up on her. Badddd Idea!

 

As for the reasons, thats how I was at first. I kept telling myself, "No she's making a mistake, she can't leave me" I made about a million reasons in my head with all the "what ifs" but I learned that no matter what I say, her mind is made up. And any word that comes out of my mouth at that point will just come across as desperate.

 

Im not comparing you to my ex but this is where you are so much different than her. You are not willing to give up, you forgive and give him another chance. I would kill for a chance to get my ex back. You have no idea. I know I made mistakes and didn't realize her slipping until she finally let go, but another chance would be so worth it. I really wish my ex were like you, willing to forgive and give another chance...this is what I mean when I say you deserve someone better, someone who will not take you for granted. Someone who will appreciate what you have to offer.

 

I feel the same way, Im glad there are women out there that have a strong heart, ones that don't give up easily. Like I said, I'm with you on this. Btw, the moment I woke up, my first thought was my ex...I was missing her so bad! Haha so what did I do? I went here, read what you wrote, and shared my thoughts...You and I are on this together remember? :) I'm not a selfish person, so even though i'm hurting, I know there are people out there just as hurt as I am, so I'd rather spend my time helping them.

 

I hope you're feeling better. Keep in touch

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I made it to day 8! Thats more than one week. Go me, right?

 

Today is a good day, so far. I hung out with some really great girlfriends from school yesterday. We had a culinary arts evening with lots of tapas food, cheeses and wine. Just being with them made me think about other things. We sat in my friends apartment until 3 AM planning a weekend away and now I feel so energized and lucky to have those girls in my life!

 

Also, for the first time in 3,5 years I flirted with another guy, yesterday! Take it as a compliment that all of the advice you have given me so far really has helped! :love:

 

I was buying some cheese at this really small fromagerie in town and behind the counter stood this blonde, blue eyed, smiling McDreamy. We talked for half an hour, he studies pretty much the same topic as me (but in another facility) and basically he was just the greatest guy. So kind, funny, the most gorgeous smile. There was a lot of flirting involved too. He even ran after me out on the street to give me my receipt, and I had my fingers crossed that it would have his phone number on it. It didn't! :(

 

But hey, that's not the point: the point is that I managed to look at another guy than my ex for the first time in almost 4 years. That is good progression! Gives me hope to!

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Wow, I broke down. I feel horrible.

 

My last connection to my ex is finally over and I have a feeling in my gut that makes me want to crunch down in fetal position and it literally brings tears to my eyes.

 

It's gone so far now, and I am 100% percent sure that I have lost him out of my life. I might be exaggerating, but something that has kept my hopes up for the last 4 months have been him keeping his profile picture of us the whole time. Just a casual picture of us all dressed up at a party, smiling with our arms wrapped around each other. I remember that party as such a happy time for us, and I can remember that night in detail. You can see from that picture how content we both are, how I loved spending time with him. And him keeping that profile picture has meant a great deal to me over the last 4 months.

 

After losing our relationship, deleting him as a Facebook friend, deleting our relationship status on Facebook, moving out of our apartment, taking all my things back home to my parents, trowing away all the things that remind me of him, deleting his number, our message log, our happy pictures together, basically erasing him from my life and watch him doing the same, he still kept that picture. We agreed to be in no contact after that row we had last friday.

 

I guess somehow I thought that being in no contact with him for a week would make him think and realize how much he misses me. Maybe that he would even call to apologize for how he treated me. Because I know somehow that he still has deep feelings for me, and that he is a great guy.

 

But after last weeks row it's taken down for good. Our final connection as a couple is gone, and it's devastating. I'm almost laughing at myself sitting here pathetically weeping about a profile picture on Facebook. I feel so desperate. I need to be close to him. I need him to stroke my hair and tell me it's going to be ok again. What I would not bring myself to do right now just to get him to hold me and kiss me as he used to.

 

And I can't help thinking that it was deleted for her. That he told her that we had sex, and she said she would continue to see him as long as he completely erased me out of his life for good. All of me. Even that stupid picture. Those thoughts that he might have done it all for her makes me think about how I'm not good enough. How I'm not ok. How I'm miserable, I'm no one and she took him from me. That he is happy and I am suffering because of what HE did to me. What SHE did to me. It's so unfair that they get a happy relationship right after we break up and I am still here, all alone, suffering.

 

Please... I want to call him so bad, I deleted his number but I know it by heart. I've dialed it too many times. It's so easy. God.

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Wow, I broke down. I feel horrible.

 

My last connection to my ex is finally over and I have a feeling in my gut that makes me want to crunch down in fetal position and it literally brings tears to my eyes.

 

It's gone so far now, and I am 100% percent sure that I have lost him out of my life. I might be exaggerating, but something that has kept my hopes up for the last 4 months have been him keeping his profile picture of us the whole time. Just a casual picture of us all dressed up at a party, smiling with our arms wrapped around each other. I remember that party as such a happy time for us, and I can remember that night in detail. You can see from that picture how content we both are, how I loved spending time with him. And him keeping that profile picture has meant a great deal to me over the last 4 months.

 

After losing our relationship, deleting him as a Facebook friend, deleting our relationship status on Facebook, moving out of our apartment, taking all my things back home to my parents, trowing away all the things that remind me of him, deleting his number, our message log, our happy pictures together, basically erasing him from my life and watch him doing the same, he still kept that picture. We agreed to be in no contact after that row we had last friday.

 

I guess somehow I thought that being in no contact with him for a week would make him think and realize how much he misses me. Maybe that he would even call to apologize for how he treated me. Because I know somehow that he still has deep feelings for me, and that he is a great guy.

 

But after last weeks row it's taken down for good. Our final connection as a couple is gone, and it's devastating. I'm almost laughing at myself sitting here pathetically weeping about a profile picture on Facebook. I feel so desperate. I need to be close to him. I need him to stroke my hair and tell me it's going to be ok again. What I would not bring myself to do right now just to get him to hold me and kiss me as he used to.

 

And I can't help thinking that it was deleted for her. That he told her that we had sex, and she said she would continue to see him as long as he completely erased me out of his life for good. All of me. Even that stupid picture. Those thoughts that he might have done it all for her makes me think about how I'm not good enough. How I'm not ok. How I'm miserable, I'm no one and she took him from me. That he is happy and I am suffering because of what HE did to me. What SHE did to me. It's so unfair that they get a happy relationship right after we break up and I am still here, all alone, suffering.

 

Please... I want to call him so bad, I deleted his number but I know it by heart. I've dialed it too many times. It's so easy. God.

 

Im so sorry to hear this, it touched me so much it literally brought tears to my eyes. I can honestly say I feel your pain, my ex still has our pictures up on facebook but trust me, im not waiting for the day she deletes them because she met someone else and is on her way to make new memories with another person. I totally feel how much pain you're in. I wish we could sit down and talk to each other but I'm here for you.

 

No matter how many stories I read about heart broken people, it doesnt affect me as much as yours. Because I totally get how you feel right now. I'm still here for you, to keep in touch. We'll get through this, I promise. Let me know if you need anything. Just be strong, every single day, not a minute passes by where she doesnt cross my mind, and I know you feel this too. But honestly, do everything you can to get your mind off it. Remember, ignorance is a bliss. What you don't know wont hurt you, let him become a distant memory. Next thing you know, you'll be able to look back at the memories and say "Oh yea, I remember those, fun times" I can't say it right now because I'm just as heart broken as you are but there will come a day when you get to that point. I believe in you.

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Today, I'm finally experiencing some anger. I have not in the past 4 months of us breaking up. Up to this point, I have just been hurt and on the edge of tears every time I think of him. It's a good feeling. Hating him a bit for the person he has become, and how he has treated me. Hating him for how he went from the most important person in my life and my biggest supporter, to someone that has made me into this emotional, suffering wreck. A liar, a manipulator, someone who had no respect for my grieving when he left me, but instead went on with his relationship with the girl he cheated on my with for his own gain and emotional support. Hating him for being such a sex addict, wanting to sleep around more than he wanted to be with me.

 

I am utterly shocked over how he could have this little respect for me and my family. And I must say I find it kind of amusing that my former "sister in law" still keeps in touch on a weekly basis, sending pictures and so on.

 

I think this is progress. I think I have managed to stop hoping for him to come back. Or at least: I have stopped wanting him back as much. I have stopped glorifying his persona and stopped putting him on a pedestal. And I like this feeling! :cool:

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Yesterday, I started restructuring my life a bit. After messing up my sleep pattern for the past 4 months, I wanted to get myself together.

 

I left my computer at school, took a couple of sleeping pills (natural remedies) and went to bed early. This resulted in some very bad dreams, and I woke up several times during the night panting and not knowing what to do. I dreamt a lot about him, about us. Nightmares.

 

I woke up realizing for the first time that he's not coming back. I know I've said up to several times already that I'm on my way to realizing it. But just this night was an epiphany about him leaving me for good. That he is way further in his process of coping with this then I am. I remember him saying it to me when he told me it was over. I told him "are you sure? Is there not any chance that we will get back together anytime?" And he answered "I'm not sure. In my head you are still my future wife, and I wish I had met you five years down the road. But I know that if I want this heartbreak to be over quickly, I have to think that it is done for good. That I'll never have you back in my life... I ruined it with you." He is over me by now, because of this thought pattern of us never getting back together. Maybe I should adopt he same philosophy.

 

I think it was that rock you threw at me in one of your posts, Creyente7, that made me finally realize this after so many months :) It ruined my morning, but it will be worth it in the end. I think I'm out of the denial phase now. It took me a long time, but it's finally here!

 

And of course, I also think his new girl/rebound/whatever helped him getting over me super fast as well. I don't think he is in love with her, because then he would never have slept with me, that's why I see her as a rebound. I can recognize when he is in love, because he was so in love with me at least the first year and a half of our relationship. And I think at that point it would be impossible for him to cheat. He has also told me he wants his freedom, so I cannot see him entering a new relationship anytime soon.

 

But then again, what I think and what I know I need to think is two totally opposite things. For all I know, they end up getting married and having kids. For all I know, this cheating thing made them stronger than ever. For all I know, they announce this new union on Facebook in a month or so. And if I'm not over it by then, I'll totally break down. So I'm going to treat this as it is the new love of his life. They tell you to in this book I read: "it's called a breakup because it's broken". You just have to expect the worst and prepare for it. The worst as in "I assume he is dating. And I assume he is dating Heidi Klum." I found that quite funny.

 

I'm considering getting my own "rebound", as someone recommended above. But hey, do rebounds really work? And won't I just end up hurting someone as I am emotionally unavailable right now? I do want that love, comfort and intimacy from someone, but is that even possible without the other person getting attached to you and hurt? And is it really a quick fix, or will I gain more by focusing on my own emotional progress and working my way into a healthy relationship later? Experiences?

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Yesterday came and went. I did feel the need to write, but I managed to spill boiling water all over my thigh, so I now got a second degree burn and had to stay in bed for the whole day high on pain killers. Yay!

 

Today, I have thought a lot about how this BU has made me act. I must say that for the last 4 months I've probably done every mistake in the book. I might just be the crazy, pathetic ex that you are not supposed to be.

 

I have a lot of regrets about how the cheating made our relationship (and especially me) become. I used to be this trusting person towards my bf, I was never jealous and never refused him anything. After he cheated and broke up, I did check his e-mail and Facebook regularly for about 3 weeks (I told him this, and he made a password change).

 

The worst part is, and this is kind of hard to admit, that I was so down after driving all the way up to our apartment (8 hours) to fetch my things that I actually called him and threatened to kill myself. (Yep, it was that bad).

 

It was about two weeks after the BU, and I was going to stay at my best friends house. I guess I expected some comfort and support from her, but when I finally made it up there after my 8 hour drive, she told me that she was in love with someone else than her bf (she's been with him for 4 years and he was a friend of mine before they got together. They lived together as well). The bf was vacationing with his parents over summer. I stayed up all night comforting her (until 4 am). At 8 am I went in to our apartment. It was a freaking museum over our relationship, the sheets still on the bed smelling like him, our photos on the walls, all the furniture we had bought together etc. I spent the whole day emptying it out.

 

Saturday night there was a party, where I had to watch my best friend cheating on her boyfriend with this university professor of hers (15 years older) and crying to me all night about how she was breaking up with her boyfriend. I drove down to my hometown again sunday morning (after 8 hours of sleep in total all weekend) and the boyfriend calls me frantically crying and shouting about how he was just cheated on as well.

 

After 8 hours in the car I crashed my moms brand new Audi into a round-about just as I entered my hometown to finally go to bed. Lets just say it was not my finest moment. In 2 weeks I had lost my bf, my home, my best friend and wrecked my moms car. At that point, I had nothing and I really felt like ending it would be a great idea, hence the suicide thing.

 

It's embarrassing to write it all down now.. And I feel like crap. I think because of all this drama I created after the BU, I will never ever be able to win this man back. It's hard to admit and I seem like a crazy person, I know (I'm not!)

 

Did any one of you ever do anything like this to your former SO's? I think it would at least feel a bit better if I'm not alone about it all.

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Beergoggles, my heart goes out to you - gosh, it must've been rough having to drive 8 hours to fetch your things - and then to still have to deal with all your friends drama, when you were also in need of comfort and support.

Don't beat yourself up about how you behaved - considering your circumstances and emotional state after been cheated on and broken up with, it's understanable (not to sound all dramatic, but breakups can be traumatic experiences). Plus, we've all done stupid things when those breakup emotions are running rampant, we're only human ;)

 

Be kind to yourself. You had a lot to deal with - and now it's your time to rest and recover - your strength is shining through with your NC, each day you'll get stronger and stronger - keep at it!

 

Hope your leg is feeling a bit better today xx

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First of all, thank you so much Kaya! Your words got me through a really tough day! And I gave myself some slack after your post, it really helped me just to know that someone cared a bit :)

 

I was feeling a lot better today, I was in class giggling with all my girl friends all day. At 13 pm I got a text from a number I'd deleted and swore to never use again. It said

 

"It took me 4,5 months and way too many mistakes, but I think I've finally realized the reason for and the consequences of me not letting you fight for us since summer. I understand if you don't want to hear about it"

 

I replied after an hour or so having to calm myself down. I let my girl friends read the text before I sent it, just to be sure I didn't mess up.

 

"Since you broke up with me, I've ended up getting hurt every time we have spoken. Right now the only thing I can rely on is the fact that you are no longer, and you do not any longer wish to be, my boyfriend. The reasons for this I have tried to figure out in my head hundreds of times over the past months, but I've settled with the simple truth that I will probably never understand your choice fully. If this is about your own need for an ego boost or to lighten your own conscience, I hope that you will reconsider our talk. It will hurt me more than it will help me. But if you have something constructive to say to me, I am willing to have a short conversation."

 

He replied that he still wanted to talk to me. Basically, we talked for 2 hours straight. I was a sceptic at first, not wanting to give away any emotion. He apologized profoundly, saying that I had not given him the chance to miss me during our break. I would always call and break down before he felt any emotion of loss. During the past two weeks, he had understood that it was over for good, and that he had finally messed up really, really bad and lost me forever. He told me in detail how he had broken up with his rebound girl, told her that he was still in love with me and told her that we had slept together that weekend. That he had thrown me out just because he could not handle any more drama and hurting the both of us again. That he had realized what a mess he had created. It apparently hurt her really bad, but she still wanted to continue seeing him. He said no, he still wanted me.

 

I know it's stupid, but he was the love of my life for almost 4 years. The most kind and caring boyfriend. He said he had a severe case of GIGS, and he was frightened I would be the only girl he would ever be with. He felt scared that we were on our way to a marriage already, of his strong feelings for me, and that he would make the wrong choice not having seen anything else than me (He is 22). I was his first love, his first girlfriend, the only girl to ever have slept with him. He told me he would book an early flight home for the holidays, and that he would do anything it takes to win me back. Including apologizing to my parents, telling his family the truth about our BU and basically taking all the blame. That he would delete the girl out of his life for good, phone and Facebook. And he begged me to go on a casual date with him when he got home.

 

I told him all my fears, my suffering, the trauma he had caused me, and he listened carefully and understandingly for 2 hours, never said anything remotely wrong. He was willing to do everything. I told him I still cared for him and that we should take it extremely slow, that I will not move back in with him for a few years, that I will prioritize my career over him and demanded we get some sort of professional help. He agreed.

 

So, I said yes to meeting him at the cinema to watch the third Hobbit film (we have always watched them together) in 10 days. We'll take it from there.

 

I feel like the worst for letting him back in to my life, but also there is butterflies and my emotions are running wild. I am so happy he came back, and it scares me a bit. I made it very clear that this is his last chance I will ever give him, and if he ****s up, even sending her as much as a message or anything else, I will break up with him for good.

 

Wow, this story is getting wilder and wilder. Feel free to share your thoughts!

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Pleasure beergoggles.. Awe, I'm so glad to hear that you had some good news!:love:

That's really lovely, just remember to make yourself a priority and to protect that heart of yours - as you say, take it slowly.. sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders anyway.. let him prove to you that he really wants to make it work. Good luck!

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Thank you again, Kaya. I appreciate it!

 

I'm starting to think this is not such a good idea after all. After he called I've been afraid of telling anyone about how I feel and what happened. The only one I've managed telling is my little sister who is 14. Of course, she wasn't able to give me any advice.

 

I wonder if I'll be able to fall in love with him again. When he called it was this overwhelming feeling of victory and hope. But then in the days after it I've just felt empty.

 

I can see that her name is still on his Snapchat best friends list, making me think that he lied to me when he said he broke it of. And it's making me really scared of getting hurt again. What do I do..?

 

It's really tempting to actually call her to hear first hand what is going on. But I don't know her, I've never spoken to her and I'm afraid of how she is going to react. What do you guys think?

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Trusting my ex is really hard. It now feels like I'm the one having to work for the relationship, despite me being the one that has acted properly during our BU. I was never the one who cheated, I was never the one who left.

 

And after the BU I need a lot of security and confirmation. I need to hear verbally how much he wants this to work, and I have told him that this is what I need. He knows it very good. And I'm needy, I know.

 

Still, I'm the one to ask how his day was. I'm the one to initiate. No reply now for 20 minutes. It's like nothing has changed between us. Friday he told me he would try to change, still I see no sign of that change. It feels like he is toying with my feelings and my devotion to him. Or maybe I'm just irrational. Maybe he is just busy...

 

God, this is so hard. I hate not knowing and being uncertain.

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I've been lurking this part of the forum for some while (as I'm going through a break up myself) and this thread made me create an account just to reply! haha..

 

He's trying to have his cake and eat it too ... and you are letting him. You will only blame yourself when it crashes and burns for a 2nd time. If you refuse to get back together with him, you can at least leave with your self respect and dignity. You might also have him begging on his knees for you to take him back. People want what they can't have. He's giving you the opportunity to get over him and take the upper hand, TAKE IT.

 

This guy CHEATED on you. He also CHEATED on the person he CHEATED on you with. He doesn't know what he wants. All he knows is that he can get what he wants, if you're willing to take him back.

 

I've been this guy before, however I didn't cheat. I did break hearts though, because of my selfishness and fear of being alone. Now I have a rule to myself to NEVER get back together with anyone, for their sake as well as my own.

 

Honestly, if there's any hope for trust and reconciliation to a healthy relationship, I think you both need to stay away from each other for a while. Date other people, mature separately, and then MAYBE one day you will be able fall in love with each other as 2 different people with a connecting past (sounds romantic :love:)

 

For now, I'd stay away.

 

PS: Also, I don't know if it applies, but don't cling onto something just because it's your "first" love.

Edited by Innovision
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