Ending on good terms

[creyente7]

I spoke to my ex today. After a month of constant pain, constant nights of drinking the pain away. We talked for a solid 45 minutes, shared our last laughs, our last moments of talking about good memories, our last goodbyes, most importantly our last I love You's. Im crying as im typing this, because I know what i've lost, a great catch. A girl who deserves to be loved by someone she'll be happy with. I love her to this very present time that I have to let her go, because I've finally realized what love truly means. To let someone go and find happiness.

 

We ended on good terms, I couldnt do it anytime sooner because I was full of anger and hate. We both realize that people grow apart, people change, she admitted she changed. I told her that I became dependent on her for my happiness when true happiness comes from within.

 

I feel very sad, so sad but content knowing that it was no ones fault. She apologized for not having told me sooner that she is not the type of person to commit. She stuck with me for so long because of how much she liked me.

 

Theres just things you cant change, We grew apart, our distance apart from each other became a problem. We held on to a dream for so long that it was making us unhappy, we both thought we could make it through any obstacles. I know distance shouldn't matter when you love someone but after being honest with myself, I was holding onto an idea of a relationship, a dream that will never be possible. There's no more "what if's". The problem wasnt what we did in the past, the constant arguing and fighting. It was the distance that caused us to fight and argue, and the distance was something we couldn't control.

 

It feels good to let this out, to get closure, and shatter any bit of hope I had left. Hope is what kept me from realizing its over for good. It makes things so much easier knowing I wasn't the problem or that she was the problem for the breakup. Neither of us we're the problem, we could have kept going and fixing things but that wasnt the core problem.

 

I made this thread to remind me of what I'm saying now. Because it's still very fresh in my memory. Im sure it'll get fogged up again with constant thoughts of her. So this is my reminder of why I have to move on. Feel free to share anything, coping wise. Thanks guys

[NopeNah]

Keep this perspective on it and you'll be able to move past it faster. I'm there with you, on pretty much the same level. We're both moving in opposite directions at this point of life, and it's not been a lot of fun the last few years. Time to go.

[IfiKnewThen]

you did the best thing u could ever do.

 

heres what u can say about yourself to stay strong as a man in life. because its true about u...

 

1) i fought for love. i tried my best from my disadvantage point. i hung in there. i went to her trying to reconnect. i def did all i can do. i tried to give her space too. i waited and let time go by. it was out of my control but i took a chance in case i could fix it somehow. i wasnt complacent. im capable of giving great love and doing things in the name of love. i did my best!

 

2) we ended it on a warmer note than colder. to heal our hearts. to heal MY heart that was/is breaking. i chose to do good. rather than hate and argue. i made some peace with my past. i learned its over and not to hang on to the tread of hope but rather to hang on to survival and looking at myself and liking myself for being the better person. i rock. ( i mean this OP you do) you did great.

 

you have been in pain everyday. but you made love conquer the pain in the best way you could. i mean its still there..but how u handled things will eventually override it. so many dont get this kind of closure and it hurts them for future relationships. you did it right. you had to heal your heart and be right with yourself in your head. you should be proud of yourself. your better off for the way you ended it emotionally and spiritually. that WILL somehow get u thru to the other side. and i promise u this. you WILL love again and even better the next time and more insight as well. and you will be loved by the right person someday. keep the faith and look at yourself in the mirror. because u did good : )

Edited November 19, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[creyente7]

you did the best thing u could ever do.

 

heres what u can say about yourself to stay strong as a man in life. because its true about u...

 

1) i fought for love. i tried my best from my disadvantage point. i hung in there. i went to her trying to reconnect. i def did all i can do. i tried to give her space too. i waited and let time go by. it was out of my control but i took a chance in case i could fix it somehow. i wasnt complacent. im capable of giving great love and doing things in the name of love. i did my best!

 

2) we ended it on a warmer note than colder. to heal our hearts. to heal MY heart that was/is breaking. i chose to do good. rather than hate and argue. i made some peace with my past. i learned its over and not to hang on to the tread of hope but rather to hang on to survival and looking at myself and liking myself for being the better person. i rock. ( i mean this OP you do) you did great.

 

you have been in pain everyday. but you made love conquer the pain in the best way you could. i mean its still there..but how u handled things will eventually override it. so many dont get this kind of closure and it hurts them for future relationships. you did it right. you had to heal your heart and be right with yourself in your head. you should be proud of yourself. your better off for the way you ended it emotionally and spiritually. that WILL somehow get u thru to the other side. and i promise u this. you WILL love again and even better the next time and more insight as well. and you will be loved by the right person someday. keep the faith and look at yourself in the mirror. because u did good : )

 

This is true, we both spoke with an open heart. She is just as hurt as I am, its hurting her knowing that she has to let go. She cried, because it hurts her to hear me in pain. But she had to do the right thing for both of us to be happy. There's no room for lies or more pain, because we've both hit rock bottom when talking about pain. I couldnt have asked for anything better, a proper closure. We both agreed that we're in approaching different stages in life where we both have to focus on ourselves. She has not been single for a very long time, jumping from relationship to another. She made sure I knew I was truly the only guy she's loved fully as non of her other relationships have lasted more than half a year.

 

She wants to be single as she approaches a new chapter in her life. I have to do the same, we both accepted that theres so much more things we have yet to learn and see. Travel and seek the world. Although we can't do it together, we both know that we tried. I tried till the very end even when she has given up long before I saw it coming. Its not her fault, not mine either. Just the wrong time and place.

 

Gotta stop these tears now, been soaking my pillows for a while, hasnt had time to dry yet. Not only will I make people here feel sorry for me, im starting to feel sorry for myself.

[Nathaniel Hawk]

I have no idea how old are you, but there is so much wisdom in your words. Good luck in your new road.

[BC1980]

Be prepared to feel differently in the following months. You haven't had a chance to grieve without her, and you are now just starting to fully let go. People often get a high after contacting an ex and having this type of conversation. Best not to contact her again but to let it go completely. I personally wouldn't advocate doing what you did, but I understand that it was probably necessary at the time. Most of us have done it, but we have a much different perspective on it as time goes by. Best of luck to you.

[creyente7]

I have no idea how old are you, but there is so much wisdom in your words. Good luck in your new road.

 

I'm 22, she is 20 turning 21 next month. Can you explain what you meant by wisdom?

[creyente7]

Be prepared to feel differently in the following months. You haven't had a chance to grieve without her, and you are now just starting to fully let go. People often get a high after contacting an ex and having this type of conversation. Best not to contact her again but to let it go completely. I personally wouldn't advocate doing what you did, but I understand that it was probably necessary at the time. Most of us have done it, but we have a much different perspective on it as time goes by. Best of luck to you.

 

I wouldn't call it a high. I felt the lowest point in my life. I knew I let the girl I loved truly go. I'm sad although I knew it was for the best. I picture her everyday being with someone else, sharing the bed we shared together, sharing the laughs we shared together. Those laughs I thought would be forever mine. I picture her making love to someone else, when I thought for the longest time that it was me who she'd be making love to forever.

 

I can't honestly say I'm happy for her, but I wish her the best in her future. I picture her walking the aisle with another man someday, when it should be me. I picture her belly with a life inside of it, when it should be mine. Her and I were going to have a baby together. For the longest time I thought she were truly the one, but I can't say that now, because in the end I'm stuck alone. In my bed to my thoughts alone.

 

How can she tell me I'm special, I'm her other half, her soulmate and be left alone in the end? How can she tell me that we'd face any obstacles together, big or small and get through them. Now I'm left to face them on my own. A million questions races through my head. But I know she's gone and will never come back.

 

I cry to sleep, I wake up to sadness. My mind is consumed with the thoughts of her. Even when I'm doing activities her face is what I see in my head. When I look at girls, I picture her face, her smile, her lips, her sweet voice, and the way she tells me she loves me. I feel so foolish believing that her last couple I love you's were empty words. When mine were filled with so much meaning and trueness.

[IfiKnewThen]

the lucky person who ends up with you. u are so full of passion and love.

 

if u feel that way this young and can value a female at this youn age as well as u do....

 

you are destine, for God willing a good love life ahead of you. i pray u will chose wisely to help make that possible. i know youre in the thick of pain now. youre still in loev with her and maybe u and she can pick this up again someday in the future.. she probably doesnt want to make the mistake of having a baby too soon, no matter what she professed..and wants to get to finish college and get a career going. she pacing herself is all. this can work at a later date i am sure of it. but if not...God willing you will choose wisely and hopefully the next love (and there will be one) will be on the same page as you...with timing..etc. and as passionate and loving ; )

 

wisdom is NOT about age. its about having good judgment and good reactions...

 

youre reaction to this is good judgement...and it will help facilitate your getting out from underneath this feeling. God bless

[Dmoney28]

Hey, what's up bro. I can definitely understand your pain. And like many hear, I also had the "final heart to heart" with an Ex. I have to agree with BC1980. I don't think that was the best thing to do in your situation. You are hurting now, but honestly...do you miss her more now...or less after you had that conversation? and will you feel worse in the following weeks? The real grieving process occurs when there is no more contact. When you are alone and missing her, when the holidays come aground and when you find out she has a new man in her life. Thinking about these events is one thing....running into them in real life is quite different. These events often bring out strong negative emotions. I apologize if I come off negative, but I rather you not go through the MANY mistakes I made. Even though I don't know you personally....no one should have to deal with this kind of emotional turmoil long-term. You are still a young man, and this set back will seem trivial later in your life.

[creyente7]

Hey, what's up bro. I can definitely understand your pain. And like many hear, I also had the "final heart to heart" with an Ex. I have to agree with BC1980. I don't think that was the best thing to do in your situation. You are hurting now, but honestly...do you miss her more now...or less after you had that conversation? and will you feel worse in the following weeks? The real grieving process occurs when there is no more contact. When you are alone and missing her, when the holidays come aground and when you find out she has a new man in her life. Thinking about these events is one thing....running into them in real life is quite different. These events often bring out strong negative emotions. I apologize if I come off negative, but I rather you not go through the MANY mistakes I made. Even though I don't know you personally....no one should have to deal with this kind of emotional turmoil long-term. You are still a young man, and this set back will seem trivial later in your life.

 

Trust me, im definitely feeling the pain. Ive cried many nights since then. I checked her instagram and saw she's been having fun. Trust me I'm hurting more than ever. I hate this feeling, of missing her. How can she invest so much in the relationship and just throw it away. I dont understand why the final talk is a bad decision though? Ending on good terms. She's not a bad person, infact she's the sweetest girl I know. It feels like someone has died

[BC1980]

Trust me, im definitely feeling the pain. Ive cried many nights since then. I checked her instagram and saw she's been having fun. Trust me I'm hurting more than ever. I hate this feeling, of missing her. How can she invest so much in the relationship and just throw it away. I dont understand why the final talk is a bad decision though? Ending on good terms. She's not a bad person, infact she's the sweetest girl I know. It feels like someone has died

 

Ending on good terms is kind of overrated. Because it never really ends on good terms. There's always one party left hurt and devastated in many instances. Once time has passed, you will probably become more angry. You haven't really had enough time to realize that she isn't coming back.

[creyente7]

Ending on good terms is kind of overrated. Because it never really ends on good terms. There's always one party left hurt and devastated in many instances. Once time has passed, you will probably become more angry. You haven't really had enough time to realize that she isn't coming back.

 

I guess in a sense I still have this idea that she will come back even though deep down I know she wont. Also, I know we didn't really end on good terms. I am devastated, I'm sad and in pain. What can I do? Its not going to bring her back. Theres days I've been tempted to just check up on her but I've learned my lesson that it just causes me more pain so I drop my phone. I feel like someday I will be ready to talk to her again, but when that time comes I might not even want to call her. My friend just opened my eyes to what I'm going through. He said that the only reason I miss her was because I felt secured, I knew I had someone there that loved me, provide sex, and affection. Then he asked me if I was truly happy with the way she was treating me towards the end, and I thought really hard about it and said Not entirely happy. Then he asked me again if the only reason I had hope was to see if she would change to be the person I fell in love with, I answered with a yes. He replied and said, people change, you love the idea that she once was, but she's not that person anymore, you have to understand that.

 

So he opened my eyes to the truth, its still hard to swallow but I guess I will at some point.

[creyente7]

Is it okay for me to think about my ex? Will that keep me from moving on? To be honest I try not to think about her, but when I find myself alone, driving a car, or just time for myself she is the only thought in my head. I just want to move on, but is this part of the process? I'm starting to realize more and more that the relationship was indeed broken and prolonging the relationship would have just caused more heartache. But I feel rejected, I'm not pinning for this girl anymore but still, I miss her constantly, her comfort, the security that I had someone there who loved me.

 

Ive come to terms with myself that she is not coming back, and even if she was, I wouldnt take her back because I now realize how nonfuctional, and broken the relationship was. I don't know if its normal to think about her this much. I miss the good times. I always tell myself, "in the end it doesnt matter" because she's not coming back.

[creyente7]

I hate having this gift of having a really good imagination...It's gotten worse to a point where I picture my ex giving blowjob to someone else. Whats weird is I dont feel sad, but infuriated and angry. I literally punched a wall just from the thought of it. How do I deal with this? The very details of how my ex and I use to make love. The way she would look me in the eye, the way she would start from my neck all the way down. Call me shallow but sex life was very intimate with her and I. Although she claims to have lost intimacy with me at the end, she sure damn well didnt make it seem like it. Her and I had a very physical relationship, sex everywhere! Public places, after lunch, after dinner, soon as I open the door, in the shower, on the floor, every place I could possibly think of. Its hard to imagine id find another girl like this.

 

Thats not the point though, my point is how do I get past this phase!!! Sometimes I wish I can just shut my mind off during these times but nooooo....it has to keep going and going. I love that she satisfied me, I hate that she no longer could satisfy me. Maybe I'm just sexually frustrated, but I dont think thats the case, I can satisfy myself just fine. Just picturing her doing the things we use to do with someone else is what bothers me. Help!

[lolablue17]

I think one of the things that delays your healing is the fact that you're "doing the right things". You keep your communication with her with a good mood, you're understanding and supportive, you analyze the situation very maturely and you try very hard to show her your nice side.

 

She dumped you, she wants other life without you. You're jealous and frustrated and also your ego was hurt very badly. Let your ego some space, don't try to suppress your ego.

 

Don't answer anymore to her calls and don't give her any explanation. Nothing! Her not knowing what's going on with you is 1 Mg med to your ego. It's not much but its more than you have now.

 

Think only of yourself. She may be a wonderful girl but for you she's the "bad guy". She hurt you. Let her at least suffer the guilt.

[creyente7]

Each day that passes I'm starting to actually believe that I'm moving on and accepting the breakup. I truly believe this coming from inside. The only thing that still kills me is the thought of her being intimate with someone else but I'm starting to find it easier to distract myself. Its only been a month and Im probably moving on faster than I thought. She still crosses my mind on a daily basis and still hourly. But not constantly like before, which is no longer than 5 minutes! Lol I was way overly obsessed. Just a progress report

[creyente7]

Ive been going through a cycle lately. One moment I'd be content with myself and say "Its for the best that we broke up." Then I forget that thought and another one pops up "I want her back, I know there must be a way somehow". Reading recon stories help relieve the worries and pain, even thought I know deep inside I don't want her back.

 

Also what I've noticed is that I feel more at ease around midnight, or past that time. Its also worse during weekends, friday till saturday. I'm not sure why but I guess its the subconscious thought that during those days and time that I know she's free and are able to go out, meet people. During weekday, or past midnight, I know she is only at home, or asleep past midnight.

 

Im fighting my own demons. Im afraid to lose her, although I know I have already lost her. The thought of her being intimate with someone else kills me inside. I have no proof she's met someone else and I tend not to know either.

 

Any psychology technique I can apply to myself to break this pattern?

[creyente7]

Why is so hard to let go. I know breaking up was the best for both of us. She wasn't happy, I wasnt happy. But then I dont wan't her to be with anyone else. I want her to wait till we can be near each other again. I miss her so much, I just want to talk to her but I know that will just prolong my pain. The distance broke us up, so why can't I just be happy for her if she finds someone more closer?

 

Am I possessive? More than I thought I guess. Although I can't help or control the situation, I can't picture her with anyone else. I'm in constant war with myself, one moment I tell myself that she needs to find happiness with someone else, then the next I tell myself that I don't want that. I miss her comfort, her friendship, her affection and the intimacy.

 

I miss loving her.