Anxiety-inducing ex

[blake94]

Hi everyone,

 

this is my first post here. I wanted to seek out additional help. After three years my ex left me, through a text message two months ago. She told me it was because i wasn't financially stable (i was gambling, not making a lot of money). I am studying to become a teacher, but apparently the present financial stress was too much and she said she couldn't maintain a relationship along with her job. I tried a lot of things to win her back, avoided grovelling and begging for the most part and agreed to be friends and met up a couple of times, it all seemed to be going really well until i realized that she was only interested in me when it was convenient and she didn't have other plans. Eventually it got to the stage where she only contacted me to get things back. So for the last 23 days i have had her number blocked and told her beforehand that i couldn't have a friendship with her because id always be interested in more than that. I cant just stop loving her, even though she made the transition very successfully. The last two days, i have been uncontrollably crying over her, depressed about the fact that i feel like i will never meet someone i am as physically attracted to and emotionally connected to. Today, i had a missed call and a voice-mail. It is from a mobile number i don't recognize. Having blocked her number, and deleted her other family members numbers, i'm afraid that it is a voice-mail from her, on one of those peoples phones. The last time i heard her voice, it was an enormous set back for me, it flooded me with emotions, even though i am currently feeling horribly depressed, that is something i have to work through on my own. If it is a voice-mail from her, it will likely be to request she collect her other items i have (which is petty because they are Christmas decorations, a photo frame, g-string and a game boy). This is very stressful. Id love any suggestions as to what to do, i thought about letting someone else listen to the voice-mail instead of me, so that i don't have to hear it. Any advice on successfully letting go of my physical and emotional attachment to her would also be greatly appreciated, thank you.

[Reels]

It is because you truly love her but you weren't capable of thinking about many other things. It is obvious that gambling is a bad habit and you should have maintained your relation with other essentials.

 

It is not too late, if you still want her, you should try changing yourself a bit, and try becoming most ideal for her.

[blake94]

Thanks for your reply! I did try changing and showing her. I stopped gambling, started actively seeking more work (to no avail unfortunately) and put more time into my studies. Then we met up and she could see these changes, she just said she was happy for me and she was only interested in being friends. I accepted that and tried to be the good friend and remain slightly more than that, it didn't work. On another two occasions she said she didn't want to lead me on and needed me to be mature about this so we could try and be friends. This is when i blocked her number after telling her id always want more than that.

 

Other than those things that i fixed, throughout the relationship i gave everything i had and loved as strongly as i could. Now i think i have developed an obsession to her and the relationship developed into codependency. We were one of those on/off again couples, but we always loved very deeply and truly. Unfortunately after this break, it is apparent that it is permanent, i have tried my best to get her back, no matter how hard i try to fight for her it hasn't worked. I was her first serious relationship and sexual partner, perhaps she was not ready for such commitment with me. Either way, it hurts like hell and i would love to be able to forget it all and move away from the agonizing days of sadness and grief.

[Reels]

As long as you are going to treat her like she was the best, it is not gonna be easy to find and like anyone else.

[CT98]

Go with your thoughts and let someone else listen to the voicemail.

 

As for advice for letting go and moving on....there is no quick fix. Just NC and feeling the pain. It will get easier - just know that.

[blake94]

Thanks for the advice, its really hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. It hurts like hell right now, as if it were yesterday, yet its been over two months. Ill keep doing no contact, to heal myself.

 

Thanks once again.

[CT98]

3 years is a long time, you will take some time to heal.

 

I'm also told that around about the 2 month mark is when reality is setting in, i.e the shock has worn off and you're left to confront your new life head on.

 

Just know that every day you survive is another day closer to being healed. Even say it to yourself before you go to bed 'that's another day I've survived, tomorrow I will do my best to get myself healed'.

[blake94]

That's very insightful, thank you.

It's hard because as much as I want to move forward, there's still parts of me that are holding out hope, as ridiculous and futile as that is.

Each days a new challenge, I just have to keep confronting them.

[CT98]

Hope is all part of the game, just keep repeating to yourself 'she isn't coming back, I have to do my best to get myself happy without her, I don't need her' or whatever works for you. Think it/say it whenever the hope takes over.

 

that way if she does come back it's a nice surprise, if she doesn't then you're conditioning your mind to accept that.

[blake94]

This was perfect, thank you, i will be sure to take your advice