I'm done. I give up. This is me now and I hate it.

[lostsoul6486]

Another night, another load of ****. I'm still this new person that I don't even know anymore. I feel nothing. I'm jaded and this is the only time when I'm ok. I ask myself these questions every time I think about her:

 

Why am I sad? Because she's gone.

 

Why does that make me sad? Because things would be better if she was here.

 

Am I sure about that? I struggle to answer this one. She made me feel so great. I miss her touch. I miss her laying with me at night and waking up next to me in the morning. I miss taking trips with her and loving her. At this point I'm pretty much as depressed as I was the day she left me. Then I think to myself: I don't miss her lies. I don't miss her cheating. Would things REALLY be better if I had her back? Sure, she made me feel great when we were together, but what about when we were apart? What about the looking over my shoulder? What about how defensive she got when I got too close to what I now know to be the truth? She never even admitted any wrongdoing after all hope of us working anything out was gone. At this point I feel the pain of all of the lies. I have separated my EMOTIONS from the FACTS and I have realized that she was not good to me and that I deserve so much better. That eases the pain of losing her, but the pain of how she lied to my face all while claiming she loved me becomes too much to bear so I emotionally shut down.

 

I have this same conversation with myself every day. Every. Damn. Day. After it transpires, I feel strong again because I know nobody could hurt me if I keep my emotions shut off. I go out with friends. I mess around and have as good a time as I can and I feel good. At least I think I do. Even if I don't feel good, at least for a moment, I feel like I'm myself again. I don't feel like I'm the new, unhappy person that I've become.Then, reality sets in. One of my friends says, "Hey, that girl over there is into you. You should go talk to her." So I do. I go in with confidence. I feel good. At least I think I do. The conversation starts and everything is good...for about 5 minutes. That's when I start with the comparisons. I tell myself how the chemistry isn't the same with this girl as when I first spoke to my ex. There was just that "spark" with my ex and that spirals me back into sadness. I tell myself I don't FEEL it with this girl. Of course I don't. I can't let myself because whenever I try to feel something, anything, my ex pops into my mind. I become jaded and disinterested again.

 

I move on from the situation and continue my night. I get back home late and I've had a few drinks. Things with that girl at the party didn't go very smoothly, but at least I got my mind off of my ex for a while and was with some good friends. I try to sleep, but now that I'm alone, I start missing her again so I have that conversation with myself again before I fall asleep.

 

I don't want my emotions to range from sad to depressed anymore. I don't remember the last time I was actually happy. There are times where I feel good, but never happy because I feel like I can't connect with people anymore, especially romantically. At least not on the level that I used to. I want to be me again. I want to love and trust again. I want to be the man that I was proud of being. I just don't know if he exists anymore and I'm tired of trying to find him.

[Jet Lag]

Hey Lost Soul

 

How long has it been since you broke up?

[Pickmeup]

You just need time, it's hard I know, I am going through it too.

You are just not ready to try dating again yet, give yourself time to heal and just focus on yourself and your health. Keep going out with friends, keep busy it will get better but you have to go through the grief.

 

I know that feeling of returning home after an okay time out with friends, reality hits hard but you will get through these times and who knows, you could be happier than you have ever been before.

 

Look after yourself.

[ralfgarnett]

I feel lonely in this single hotel room without you, I wish with all my heart that you were here with me, I don't know how much longer I can go on without you, I miss you so much darling and I love yyou with all my heart, whaat went wrong that this happened I still don't understand and not sure if I ever will do

[mammasita]

It just takes time.

 

I dated and talked to a few different guys after my ex and felt the same as you describe. Comparing them to my ex, how it just wasn't the same as it was when he and I met. Coming home alone to the empty bed we used to share.

 

Then eventually I started to feel like me again and I could actually connect with these guys I was meeting and feel that chemistry again.....and that's what happened when I met my now BF.

[lostsoul6486]

Hey Lost Soul

 

How long has it been since you broke up?

 

The original break up was about 9 and a half months ago. She came crawling back a few months later, but she ended up leaving me again. It's been about 3 months since I started NC. I don't feel as bad about the break up anymore. It's the lies that get me. It's how I let her get the best of me. I don't know what hurts more, lying to myself and hurting because she's gone or facing the fact that she cheated. At least before, I could look back and say, "Well we had a pretty good run. It was great while it lasted." After we tried to get back together and she blatantly left me for another guy, I realized that I wasn't crazy for thinking she was cheating during our original relationship. In fact, I confirmed that she was and that kills me. Now, I look back and the whole thing seems fake. A year of my life, gone. Wasted away on someone who I thought loved me as much as I loved her. I just can't trust and connect like I used to and I don't like the man I've become. I feel like I'm wearing a mask everywhere I go because if I don't, I'll be vulnerable like I was with her.

[tommy_tgz]

Hey lost soul,

 

I just posted a thread for help and you are in the exact same boat as me, except my break up has been about a month. My ex was very nurturing and did all the typical wifey things, cooking, cleaning etc. but I found out she had deep insecurity issues and was a pathological liar. I discovered through emails she was cheating in the last 2 months of our relationship. Now a month later no contact after I broke up with her she's already moving on and getting other guys. I know how much it sucks man. I'm fightng everyday to get back to my usual confident self.

[tryingtodealwithit]

Another night, another load of ****. I'm still this new person that I don't even know anymore. I feel nothing. I'm jaded and this is the only time when I'm ok. I ask myself these questions every time I think about her:

 

Why am I sad? Because she's gone.

 

Why does that make me sad? Because things would be better if she was here.

 

Am I sure about that? I struggle to answer this one. She made me feel so great. I miss her touch. I miss her laying with me at night and waking up next to me in the morning. I miss taking trips with her and loving her. At this point I'm pretty much as depressed as I was the day she left me. Then I think to myself: I don't miss her lies. I don't miss her cheating. Would things REALLY be better if I had her back? Sure, she made me feel great when we were together, but what about when we were apart? What about the looking over my shoulder? What about how defensive she got when I got too close to what I now know to be the truth? She never even admitted any wrongdoing after all hope of us working anything out was gone. At this point I feel the pain of all of the lies. I have separated my EMOTIONS from the FACTS and I have realized that she was not good to me and that I deserve so much better. That eases the pain of losing her, but the pain of how she lied to my face all while claiming she loved me becomes too much to bear so I emotionally shut down.

 

I have this same conversation with myself every day. Every. Damn. Day. After it transpires, I feel strong again because I know nobody could hurt me if I keep my emotions shut off. I go out with friends. I mess around and have as good a time as I can and I feel good. At least I think I do. Even if I don't feel good, at least for a moment, I feel like I'm myself again. I don't feel like I'm the new, unhappy person that I've become.Then, reality sets in. One of my friends says, "Hey, that girl over there is into you. You should go talk to her." So I do. I go in with confidence. I feel good. At least I think I do. The conversation starts and everything is good...for about 5 minutes. That's when I start with the comparisons. I tell myself how the chemistry isn't the same with this girl as when I first spoke to my ex. There was just that "spark" with my ex and that spirals me back into sadness. I tell myself I don't FEEL it with this girl. Of course I don't. I can't let myself because whenever I try to feel something, anything, my ex pops into my mind. I become jaded and disinterested again.

 

I move on from the situation and continue my night. I get back home late and I've had a few drinks. Things with that girl at the party didn't go very smoothly, but at least I got my mind off of my ex for a while and was with some good friends. I try to sleep, but now that I'm alone, I start missing her again so I have that conversation with myself again before I fall asleep.

 

I don't want my emotions to range from sad to depressed anymore. I don't remember the last time I was actually happy. There are times where I feel good, but never happy because I feel like I can't connect with people anymore, especially romantically. At least not on the level that I used to. I want to be me again. I want to love and trust again. I want to be the man that I was proud of being. I just don't know if he exists anymore and I'm tired of trying to find him.

 

wow, you and i are in the same boat. i was with my ex for 4 and a half years. it's been 6 months since she left. i'm going through all of the same stuff you've described above. it's hard. nothing we can do other than hang in there and hope for the best.