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Hurting pretty bad today (Updated)


DenverDude

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Last night my ex contacted me to tell me that she would be moving out. She wanted to let me know that she was going to stop by the place to take measurements of some of her furniture. It is just happening way too fast. I can't believe how alone and how scattered my mind is feeling right now.

 

To top it off, it is the weekend, and she will more than likely be going out with all of her single friends while I sit around and mope.

 

I know I am not perfect, and I know I made mistakes, but I am a good person. I wish that she would not move out. I wish she would not throw away the last 3 years.

 

I really loved her, and got along with her family great :(

 

I am hurting today guys.

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I am so sad that you are hurting DenverDude. Some may push for you to just suck it up and get back on your feet. I am not one of them. I think it is important you take some time to grieve (and no I do not take my own advice. like ever*). But please don't let this keep you down. Get through this because on the other side of it all is a better than her future. You won't get there though until you get through this.

My heart goes out to you today.

Can you find comfort in friends and/or family?

 

OOooh?! is it snowing there yet? Check if Breck is opening this weekend or next :bunny:

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Thank you so much for your kind reply.

 

Right now, I really don't feel like talking to my family - just because I think I am still in the denial phase. I did let my sister know, but to be honest, I do not really have deep conversations with my family about my relationship issues.

 

Funny you ask about Breck, because I actually work for parent company that owns Breck. Today is opening day!

 

BTW - God's country Michigan... I am originally from Michigan myself. :)

 

I am trying my best to get by, but I just know that I am in for a very long ride.

 

It's just so sad knowing that one week ago today we were smiling, laughing, hugging, kissing and best friends :(

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The denial phase lasts a bit. It's the best, and the worst stage. It's great, because your brain is convincing you, she'll be back sooner or later, but it sucks, because it prevents you from moving on.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT PEEK AT HER SOCIAL MEDIA. Not even peeks. Even when she doesn't post anything new or exciting, it hurts. It feels like she really moved on, and not even giving you bread crumbs anymore.

 

TELL YOUR BRAIN she's not coming back. It will literally make this thing go by quicker. TRUST ME. The denial phase will have you thinking about her forever. Don't do that to yourself!!!

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Isn't this where you call up the fellas for a guys night in of binging on Ben&Jerry's and pizza while watching the notebook and the Lakehouse crying and laughing and crying into popcorn and fleecy bunny pajamas?

 

oh wait. no. That's for girls... :o Let me try again*

 

Isn't this where you call up the fellas for a guys night in (or out - I think men hit lap dance places, right?) do shots til you til even the older ladies look good then let them coddle you and tell you the ex isn't worth it, then get in a fight (don't get in a fight though) then t.p. her new chums car and wake up in your bathroom feeling really bad but kind of better at the same time?

 

Heya DenverDude, can you tell I'm no 'guy'? :lmao:

 

In Michigan, we go watch the Red Wings down state - good ice fights*

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How exactly do I train my brain that she is not coming back?

 

Thanks for the response.

 

Honestly, it just clicked one day when I was reading back our last FB convos, when I got the news that it was an actual breakup, and not another "break."

 

I mean, yeah, I knew at the time, but when you read it back, you're in a more calm state, and then you tell yourself, "wow, it really is over. I HAVE to move on, without the hope of her coming back."

 

Of course, she contacted me first after the break almost every 4 to 5 days. She really couldn't handle the NC, and she'd even write some really deep stuff on her Tumblr, and I'd call her, and give her ultimatums (stupid on my part). She'd always say, "I'm scared, and I don't know right now."

 

I just gave up, and went NC. At first, I always had the hope of her coming back, and saying she wants me back, and all that, but after reflecting, clearing my head, then reading back the FB messages, it really gave me clarity that it's over for good. Not saying she'll never contact me in the future or anything, but I read some key words that just hit me in my heart, and that convinced me that even if our "connection" isn't over, the relationship is.

 

Ever since then, it's really been easy to go NC with the purpose of moving on, and not just telling myself that with the hopes of her coming back, but really moving on.

 

I know I advised you not to look back on your ex, but that's what it took for me. I deleted all her texts, and stuff like that, and the only reason why I read the FB messages back was because I was deleting it, so I couldn't see her FB profile pic on my messenger app anymore, but I decided I had to read back what was said that night with clarity, and no bias on my part.

 

For you, just try to remember some key phrases that were said. That's what gave me total clarity. Also, I broke NC one night, and dang near went back to square 1. It was BAD. Ever since then, I knew not to play with fire anymore. TRUST ME. Breaking NC is the worst thing you can do for your heart ache. It brings it back 10 fold. TRUST ME. I know you're gonna break it one day, and you will see.

 

Sometimes you have to get burned in order to stop playing with matches.

 

DO NOT BREAK NC. And let me tell you something. If you want your ex back, DO NOT BREAK NC.

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It's just so sad knowing that one week ago today we were smiling, laughing, hugging, kissing and best friends :(

 

Oh man, I really do feel for you, but trust me when I say that I know exactly what your talking about. My ex-fiance walked out the front door of what used to be our home on August-3rd, little over three months ago, and for the first couple weeks after, I was saying the same things......"it was just a couple days ago that we were laughing, joking, talking, hugging, holding each other and making love." Then as time passed the "day's" thing turned into a "weeks" thing! Just a couple weeks ago we were together, laughing, talking, cuddling, playing, loving, caring" ect. ect. ect.

 

As tikay00 has said, and I whole heartedly agree, the denial phase of a breakup can be great, for the phase will try to convince you that she might return, "if just a couple more days go by that she has to live without me, she'll see the error of her ways, she'll regret and come running back to me"! yeah, my mind fooled me a lot, and I mean a lot, in regards to this phase trying to make me believe that my ex-fiance just might see that she made a poor choice to leave, regret it, and come crawling back, begging for me to take her back"! Denial phase, pretty powerful stuff, it can make you believe that the impossible is possible!

 

But tikay00 is very much right, and I agree, for I didn't listen to the good advice back then such as "tell yourself Aaron that she's gone, it's over, it's done, she's out of here, she's never going to return, she made her choice, she flew back home, it's over Aaron.......time to let go and move on!" Nope, I didn't do that at all, I rather just let the denial phase run wild all over my mind all the while the phase was convincing me that the impossible was possible! I learned the hard way, but as it has already been advised to you, the sooner you start to convince yourself that it's truly over, and don't give into the Disneyland fairytale beliefs that she's going to come back to you, the sooner you can convince yourself that it's over.......the better!

 

And yes, I whole heartedly agree, stay the f**k away from her social media, be it My Space, be it Facebook, be it Twitter, be it Instagram, be it "whatever", stay the hell away from it. Trust me buddy, don't do it, don't put yourself through that torture! Learn from my mistakes, I didn't listen to good advice such as tikay00 has given, nope, I just rather went ahead and did my own thing, for weeks after the breakup I feed into temptation and several times a day would as said....."take a peek"! Wish I didn't, because even though we had gone about removing each other off our friends list on Facebook, even with the removal, there was still enough information leaking through that I could get a rough picture of what she was doing, where she was going, where she had been and such. I walked away from my computer 10 times worse, every time I took my little peek I always felt worse! Eventually I had to make the hard choice and delete my Facebook account, an account that I had for 5 years, an account that once brought me joy, happiness, togetherness, fun times and an account that helped bring my ex-fiance into my life, an account that helped perpetuate a relationship, an account that once upon a time helped bring us and her family closer together. I had to bite the bullet, realize that Facebook wasn't serving me anymore and in the end it was only bringing me heart ache and pain!

 

So if your into social media and have something like a Facebook account, I'm just tossing the option of deletion on the table, it may be a life saver, you never know!

 

Good luck to you, keep your chin up, try your best to get out of the "denial phase" as quickly as you can and keep posting here, it will help! ;)

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Allow yourself time to grieve, but don't let it become a comfortable place. Go out to dinner/drinks with some friends(do NOT go somewhere she may be!).

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Thank you all for your responses. I read each one of your responses with an open mind. I know this relationship is over. She is getting her own place for Christs sake..

 

The one thing I am struggling with in this denial phase is the fact that I keep checking my phone every 5 mins to see if she called :(

 

 

I cant block her now because she needs to contact me to get stuff out of my place.

 

One other thing that I will add to this is that she 110% already knows about the NC process, and she mentioned that she would be going NC as soon as things are finalized with her living arrangements. Not because she hates me, but for her to heal. God this kills.

 

NC vs NC seems like a win win, but in the end, it's torture :(

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How do I handle these types of text messages:

 

"I am going to the place at 4:30 to get printer and some work done. Is that ok?"

 

She sent that a little bit ago.

 

Last night she said:

 

"Have you told your family yet" - I 100% know she asked this so she can justify removing my family from her facebook friends list

 

In a nutshell, I want to go NC but these little texts are driving me crazy. If I respond, it shows her that I still have her under her fingers, if I dont, it makes me like a mean jerk.

 

UGH

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evanescentworld

You need to completely block her in every way, means possible and avenue, from A - Z.

She has no right to send you texts or expect a response, and you are under no obligation whatsoever to reply, to any of them, ever.

 

Read the NC Guide, and learn.

Implement it, or you'll drive yourself utterly bonkers.

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you ignore them

they mean nothing!!

text back "please remove my number from your

phone and dont bother me again"

 

aM

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DenverDude... See no ex, hear no ex, speak no ex. Pretty soon, No More Ex = happy DenverDude. See?

Block her everywhere honey. Do not respond. She left and no longer has ANY say about anything in your possession* (yep, I'm a wee bit harsh about that)*

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DenverDude,

It is tougher at present, because she's not all moved out yet. (If I read your other thread accurately.)

To protect your heart as much as possible, ask her to, and make sure that she does move ALL her stuff at the same time, so she won't have anything else over which to contact you.

 

As much as it hurts, she does get to 'unfriend' your family members -- some or all of them -- and she does not need to justify her desire to do that.

 

To me, her text to let you know that she'd be at YOUR place to get her printer, was simply courtesy. You're within your 'rights' to set boundaries around her also working there. It'll be hurtful for you if that happened while you were home, and you don't have to permit stuff that'll be hurtful.

 

Blocking her and not responding to her points of contact is NOT you being a mean jerk, it is you being self-protective and taking care of your own heart and mind. Which has to be your first and last priority, in time to come.

 

Hugs, and best.

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I sure do appreciate all of the support guys (and gals!)

 

Ronni, you are correct. She still has everything at my place, which is making this really hard. I wish she could get everything out at onice but knowing her she won't be able to. I am choosing to NOT be around whenever she does have to stop by.

 

I am afraid that darker days lie ahead. Ie ) when I realize that everything has been moved out and she is completely free from me.

 

You guys have a great night. I am sure I will be here posting all night.

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I have a feeling that when I get home from work today, most of her stuff will be out of my place. She knows that I working this weekend, and I also told her that this weekend would be a good time to collect her belongings - as I would be in the office - however for some reason my anxiety levels are at an all time high. I am already dreading coming home to see everything removed. Pictures, clothes, jewelry, etc. etc. I am gonna miss the heck out of her.

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I am already dreading coming home to see everything removed. Pictures, clothes, jewelry, etc. etc. I am gonna miss the heck out of her.

 

I hear you, I would be dreading to see the same thing as well. But in my case, with how my breakup situation played out, I got the very reverse. During my ex-faince announcing the fact that she was breaking up with me on July-13-2014, and telling us that she'll be going back to Ohio to move back in with her parents. In the mean time my Mother landed up being responsible for proving my ex an Airline ticket home. With advanced booking my Mom got one but wouldn't be active until 12:08am on August-4th-2014, so in the mean time waiting for her ticket to go active as so she could leave, my ex-faince put together 5 medium sized United States Postal Service flat rate boxes, as to ship some of her important stuff to Ohio. It helped in making a slight dent into any items of hers that might remain behind, as for me to see and deal with!

 

So August-3rd came around, it's 7:30pm in the evening, my ex-fiance only was taking a medium sized carry on bag and my old laptop bag on the plane with her, she could only fit so much stuff in both items. So here you are, the Airport shuttle van has arrived, you take your now ex-fiance's bags in hand and lug them to the back of the van for storage. You stand there for aminute or two, one last embrace, one last kiss, one last "I love you" and (((poof))) she's gone!

 

Now here's where the reverse of your situation comes in, for me I was to much of a basket case that night to do anything about anything she left behind, I was crazed, mentally drained, shaking, tired, stressed, frustrated, hurt, a gambit of all my emotions, so in a fog I awoke the next morning, now calmed down enough to see what my ex-fiance left behind, boy did she leave a lot.

 

7 pairs of pants on the floor, followed by 12-13 t-shirts, a pair of old shoes, about 6-7 pairs of socks that I had gotten for her during her stay, her wooden jewelry box, all the love letters I had ever wrote to her found in her old dresser, in one of it's drawers, her sexy night time dresses found in the walk in closet, 2 light weight jackets and about 1 laundry load worth of dirty cloths as well. Her old junk jewelry scatted about the bathroom counter top, her old hair brush and comb, her toothbrush, her little bathroom fog resistant shower mirror, 2 of her used and dirty bathroom towels on the floor, some of her beauty products and smell good sprays were left behind, her old office desk, her deluxe office chair, her old file cabinet, and 2-3 pieces of artwork she has purchased for the home were still hanging on the walls, and this is a incomplete listing, there was still some more stuff I haven't mentioned.

 

I envy you DenverDude, I really do, for after my situation, I would have loved for nothing more than to put someone on a shuttle van, see them off, turn around and walk back into a home that for the most part had been sanitized and purified from my ex-fiance. I would love to have seen "nothing" in regards to anything that they might leave behind. And also feel good about the fact that your ex is going to go about handling all her items on her own, making sure they are removed from your home. Me, I didn't get it that lucky, I personally had to (one by one) deal with every object and item that she left behind myself. The clothing was the hardest part, especially the dirty clothing that was left behind. For me, when I first bent down and picked up the very first item of hers that I had touched since she had been gone, it was her old Monster Energy drink t-shirt, she had but only worn that about 3 days before her departure, imaging kneeling down and bending over and grabbing your ex-faince's freshly worn t-shirt, with her normal body scent on it, with her added Bath & Body Works Japanese Cherry Blossom body spray scent all over it, the smells touch your nose, and immediately send you crashing to the floor with uncontrollable crying and emotions.........all the while whimpering......."why"? "Why"? "Why"? :(

 

You get me meaning, be thankful that you might not have to get yourself into a situation like I had to deal with, again, I envy you!

 

Good luck! :)

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Gosh Aaron, you sure went through a lot :( I am so sorry for how everything panned out with you and your ex. It's one thing for my live in girlfriend of close to 3 years telling me she would be moving out, but it's a whole other ballgame if she would have told me she was not only moving, but moving out of state.'

 

I really do sympathize for you. It seems like you have made some great progress, but man o man, what a terrible day that must have been for you. Not only that day, but the fact that you KNEW the day was coming. ie) it was on your calendar. I can't imagine how you felt the weeks, days and hours prior to her departure date.

 

I know what you are saying about her ''scents''.. They are all over my place. I can still smell her when I curl up in bed. I can't imagine what you went through when you had to deal with all of her old clothes and stuff.

 

I hope you hanging in there. Thank God for this site, right? It's people like you who make me realize that I am not alone. I cant thank you enough for taking time to share you story with me. It means a lot to me.

 

BTW. I came home from work and everything is still in the same state it was when I left for work this morning. So I will have to live another day of the anxiety of not knowing if she will be completely gone from my life or not when I get home tomorrow.

 

I am here for you just as you are for me. Thanks again.

 

btw - why did your mom have to help her with her airfare home?!?!

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I am having a little break down right now. Can't stop the tears from coming out of my eyes. Saturday nights we would usually get pizza and hang out or what not. Now I am all alone and she is probably hitting up the town not even caring how I feel. I just wanted to post this because I have nobody to talk to right now. Typing out my feelings is all I can do. It makes me feel a little bit more calm.

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but it's a whole other ballgame if she would have told me she was not only moving, but moving out of state.'

 

Oh yeah buddy, for some when hearing their now former love isn't just moving but their leaving the State, ball game changer for some for sure. But after her announcement to breakup at my Mom's house, we all knew where she would be heading back to, for she even admitted it when rolling with her breakup announcement. We all knew and got confirmation that she was heading back from where she came from, and that was back to her dear old Mom & Dad back in Ohio!

 

I really do sympathize for you.

 

I appreciate that, I really do! For even after the fact "sympathy" to my situation, sometimes feel like an endangered species!

 

 

 

It seems like you have made some great progress

 

I appreciate the fact that it looks like I've made great progress. I know on many levels it hasn't come easy. I'm doing better now than say on the day of August-4th, knowing that she was already gone, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. What I was able to handle on that day, compared to what I'm able to understand and handle about the breakup today is much better. Since the fall I've gone about joining 3 local support groups in my area. I joined a 12 step Codependency group, a 12 step Liars Anonymous group and a one time a week generic "life's hurts and personal hang up's" group. I also placed myself into the care of a psychiatrist and also I am on some various prescribed medications, namely to help fight the depression. I also got back into reading, something I stopped doing the very day that I moved my ex-faince into what was once upon a time "her new home"! I've been reading some self help books in regards to relationships and such. But it all has helped me get to where I am now, which is much better of a mental place then I was say back on August-3rd.

 

but man o man, what a terrible day that must have been for you. Not only that day, but the fact that you KNEW the day was coming. ie) it was on your calendar. I can't imagine how you felt the weeks, days and hours prior to her departure date.

 

After her announcement after one of mt Mom's backyard office pool party's came to a close, and we knew the deal, oh yeah, from that moment, to the moment she hopped aboard that Airport shuttle van, all the time in between for me was a waking nightmare. The hurt, the guilt, the blame games, the shame games, the who's right and who's wrong games, it all was a nightmare to deal with, especially the way she was going out, it made things 2X harder to deal with!

 

I know what you are saying about her ''scents''.. They are all over my place.

 

Lucky for me I didn't have to stay in the home we shared for the better part of 16 months! I had already made mental plans with myself that at the very first opportunity to move, I would. For I was having to endure, just like you, all her smells around the house......but I'll go one further and make this visual as well, seeing some of her fallen out hair around the home, she the visual reminders, if simply knowing that she touched this stove knob and cooked on this stove, yeah, I was going there with that kind of thinking. She touched this, she touched that, I can smell her here and I can smell her there, talk about a sensory nightmare. So back on October-1st I moved out of the old home and into a brand new apartment. Which as far as the visual and aroma reminders go, has been a God send!

 

I can still smell her when I curl up in bed.

 

That was a tough one! Facing a move that I knew was coming I had to save my money, so I had to endure every night of the week sleeping in a bed that once she shared with me, oh boy, totally hard, I hear you buddy, I could smell her to! My ex-faince has the most awesome and amazing natural body scent I had ever smelt in my 44 years of living. it was intoxicating, it was mesmerizing, it was hypnotic, it was sensual and it was sexy! Damn I miss the f**k out of that stuff. But shortly after the new move, I went ahead and purchased a new queen sized mattress & box spring, I kept the old metal frame, but ditched the rest. Now I sleep fairly well, no more of her smells to contend with. Now it's just the memory's that sometimes make me "toss & turn", just the memory's.

 

 

I can't imagine what you went through when you had to deal with all of her old clothes and stuff.

 

I couldn't handle her old cloths very quickly, I had to take many small breaks away from the action in order to keep what little mental stability I was able to have that day. I remember that I had to take many breaks, just leave it, walk out of the bedroom and take a break, get something to drink, go outside for a smoke, just had to find small things to do while I took those breaks as to distract my mind from thinking to much about what I was asking it to go through. Again, living nightmare stuff!

 

I cant thank you enough for taking time to share you story with me. It means a lot to me.

 

Your very much welcome, anytime! :) Seeing that you appreciate a good story, I got one for you, but I'll toss out a warning, it's a long read, but if you want something that you might find inside a romance novel or perhaps on the script of a show like "Day's of Our Lives", give my breakup story a read! It may help you perhaps feel more better about what your going through.

 

Here it is.....

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/494228-1-5-months-later-i-m-still-upside-down

 

So I will have to live another day of the anxiety of not knowing if she will be completely gone from my life or not when I get home tomorrow.

 

If you need any help getting through this, just let me know, shot me a P.M. and we'll talk about it, I'll try my best to help!

 

btw - why did your mom have to help her with her airfare home?!?!

 

Read that link I shared with you, around the time you get to my ex-faince's announcement some of why my Mom ultimately took responsibility for my ex-faince's Airline ticket will be clear! You'll be shaking your head for sure! :eek:

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Order pizza without her.. Trust me... It taste the same. I know that this is fresh and all.. But you cannot let her define you, man!

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Thank you for sharing your story. I read all of it, and I was left scratching my head. Something doesn't seem right with your ex fiance and her family. Asking for money is one thing, but to have your ex fiance give them money from your card - without even asking you is something else.. Sounds like that might have been the moment where her family turned on you. But the thing is that you had every right to confront her and her father. And you did it in a respectful way. You told them that now was not the best time to be dishing out money because of the financial issues that you guys were dealing with at the time.

 

Aaron, you see, the thing about your story and my story is that you did nothing wrong. You need to hang you hat on the fact that no matter what your mind is telling you, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Seems like your ex either got cold feet or was truly home sick... Hell, I would even go as far as her family manipulated her decision to move back home all because of that money incident. Either way, you need to keep telling yourself that you did nothing wrong - or at least that is how I interpreted your story.

 

Now flip the script to my situation.. You see, I played a huge role in the reason that my ex left me. I lied to her a few times, which broke her trust. Were those lies the main reason why she left? Probably not. But the last one (about the wallet) was probably the tipping point. I am suffering from the fact that if I just admitted the truth to her that night, that I wouldn't even be posting on this forum and we would be cuddling in bed right now. Instead, in the last 8 days my once pride and joy is now nothing but a stranger.. I have to live with the regret of my mistakes. I let her down and I ruined everything :( That is something that I wish upon nobody. I know you are suffering, but at least you can tell yourself that you were the best person possible during your relationship.

 

One thing that I read in your response to me was that you were going to a Liars Anonymous meetings? Was this something that was left out of your story? I am confused. Either way, I am so proud of you that you took it upon yourself to join those support groups. That shows that you WANT to make progess instead of just sit around and wallow. Good for you bro!

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Order pizza without her.. Trust me... It taste the same. I know that this is fresh and all.. But you cannot let her define you, man!

 

I actually did order a pizza and was eating a slice when I had the breakdown. It reminded me of her, which is why I came running back to this forum to post my thoughts. It did taste good though!

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