Emotionally Vulnerable

[richburn]

Hello,

 

Does anybody else think that they deal with break up's very badly. Not sure how your supposed to gage this as everybody deals with it differently but I think I may 'suffer' more then most other people.

 

Thoughts?

[Ronni_W]

richburn,

You're right, of course, that everyone responds or reacts differently to whatever real or perceived crisis or threat.

But. Let's say that you do "suffer" more than most people...then what?

 

If you're asking whether some people have acquired/developed better coping skills to deal with life's inevitable disappointments, losses, mistakes, "failures" and not-so-gentle knocks upside the head -- resilience, self-confidence, optimism, hope, acceptance of reality/what is, stuff-like-that -- then, yes...of course some people have done that; have taken the time and made the effort to cultivate those strengths, to greater levels than others.

 

Personally, I really don't care how others would handle *my* experiences, but it is important to me how I handle them, for and within myself. (If that makes sense?)

[richburn]

Hey,

 

Thanks for the reply from a wise mind, I like the way you framed the issue.

 

I was asking as I believe that I probably suffer more then I 'should'. Intellectually, I can see the sense in moving on, emotionally that is not the case.

 

Leaving me wondering whether its a deeper issue such as abandonment or low self esteem. That being said, I do like the way you replied.

[richburn]

r-- resilience, self-confidence, optimism, hope, acceptance of reality/what is, stuff-like-that -- then, yes...of course some people have done that; have taken the time and made the effort to cultivate those strengths, to greater levels than others.

 

 

-- Any pointers on this?

[Leegh]

I think it can depend on how much you liked the person. I have had boyfriends that I liked a lot (but not in love with) and a few others whom I was madly in love with. The ones I didn't like that much I got over them within a couple months, and other guys that I was in love with, it has taken me years, and sometimes over three years to fully get over them.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

No I think it's just that when u are heartbroken u feel like the only one in the world but actually everyone feels roughly the same just some people cover it better x

[Ronni_W]

-- Any pointers on this?

The site 'EmotionalCompetency' looks like it might be a place to start. Also 'HelpGuide', then search for "emotional intelligence". (Sorry...I don't know how to do the pretty links that won't get me busted for violating the 'no external links' policy .)

 

A Google search for "emotional intelligence" will bring up a lot of sites mostly geared to business/leadership....but those are still dealing with the same skills.

I haven't read any published books specific to emotional intelligence, but you could check the Amazon customer reviews and see if anything pops out at you.

 

Hopes this helps to at least get you started. Best of luck!

[richburn]

I know you not supposed to beat yourself up about this crap, but I do wish I could handle it better.

[richburn]

The site 'EmotionalCompetency' looks like it might be a place to start. Also 'HelpGuide', then search for "emotional intelligence". (Sorry...I don't know how to do the pretty links that won't get me busted for violating the 'no external links' policy .)

 

A Google search for "emotional intelligence" will bring up a lot of sites mostly geared to business/leadership....but those are still dealing with the same skills.

I haven't read any published books specific to emotional intelligence, but you could check the Amazon customer reviews and see if anything pops out at you.

 

Hopes this helps to at least get you started. Best of luck!

 

Thanks Ronni, I have already started reading a few of these but I like to get advice where I can too Some of the stuff I am reading suggest that I do have abandonment issues which I am looking at. The scary bit is that some of the literature suggests that these things are passed down from your parents, to you, to your kids. Obviously, I dont want that.

[mefisto]

Hello, I think I may 'suffer' more then most other people.

Hello, i am interested in your thread because i think i may suffer more than other people too. I just want to ask you a few questions. You can answer it and compare to mine answers.

How much sleep you have? Half of the amount that i used to have.

Can you function at work/studies normally? After what happened i became bad at both.

How often do you cry? Last two weeks i have breakdown every 3 days.

On a scale from 1 to 10 how much are you suffering? I have solid 7.5. Not higher because i can imagine situations which would be even worse than break up, like the death of my mother or my dog. Or like getting a cancer. Or getting expelled from university and fired at job.

Do you have suicidal thoughts? They appear in mind from time to time.

Do you have physical pain that appears with hard thouths about break up? I have constant chest pain.

Edited November 1, 2014 by mefisto

[Ronni_W]

Thanks Ronni, I have already started reading a few of these but I like to get advice where I can too Some of the stuff I am reading suggest that I do have abandonment issues which I am looking at. The scary bit is that some of the literature suggests that these things are passed down from your parents, to you, to your kids. Obviously, I dont want that.

richburn,

I was trying to edit my post to add a bit about that...you beat me to it!

I'm of the opinion that we all do end up with "abandonment issues"; for me, it's part psychological and part spiritual. That is, a lot of it can be attributed to 'family of origin' but not all of it.

 

When we start to develop our EQ, some of the deeper-rooted issues can also start dissolving/getting unstuck...it's a gentler way in, I've found, than starting off with a psychotherapist. Then, if you do decide on therapy down the road, that experience can be a lot less traumatic.

 

That is, the skills needed to deal with abandonment and other issues, are one and the same...EQ skills. It's all about being able to handle our own crap better; whether it's how we deal with our internal crap or the crap we perceive that the external world is projecting at us.

Fixing our self-limiting beliefs, distorted ways of thinking, perceiving and interpreting events, etc., etc. To me, if we cultivate our strengths, then automatically comes more confidence, esteem, and we feel AND ARE better able to handle general life crap...and the traumatic crap that invariably comes up in therapy. (If that makes sense?)

[Itspointless]

You guys can test your attachment style here: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships It can influence how well you cope with loss.

[richburn]

Mefisto,

 

I am praying that this helps as it would be good to help somebody else deal with the pain of breakup. These are the things that helped me - I am not saying they will help you. I do about 3 or 4 hours of reading or 'work' on myself everyday, I have come along with in 6 weeks from being suicidal to nearly back to where I was before the relationship.

 

How much sleep you have? Half of the amount that i used to have.

RB: Same - some days are better then others, exercise helps me.

 

Can you function at work/studies normally? After what happened i became bad at both.

rb: No but getting better.

 

How often do you cry? Last two weeks i have breakdown every 3 days.

rb: Crying is good, emotions are good - I probably dont cry as much as I should.

 

On a scale from 1 to 10 how much are you suffering? I have solid 7.5. Not higher because i can imagine situations which would be even worse than break up, like the death of my mother or my dog. Or like getting a cancer. Or getting expelled from university and fired at job.

rb: I was an 8 I think now I am a 3.

 

Do you have suicidal thoughts? They appear in mind from time to time.

rb: I did for about a week, it was quite worrying.

 

Do you have physical pain that appears with hard thouths about break up? I have constant chest pain.

This is normal, I eat a lot of chocolate - not sure if that helps - but I do like chocolate.

 

Ok, these are the big three thing that REALLY REALLY helped me.

 

1. 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' by Susan Anderson

This book has a couple of really good techniques in it to help with each stage of the grieving. The break through one for me was writing to my inner child, my emotions dropped from an 8 to a 4 or a 5 as soon as I did this. I now write to my inner child every day for at least 10 mins sometimes longer.

 

I also watched a few visualization techniques on you tube for inner child and one called 'letting go meditation guided' by jason stephenson.

 

2. EFT

This sounds really quacky but it definitely worked for me and took my pain from a 5/4 to a 1/2 and seems to last for a good couple of hours. Emotional Freedom Technique is a way of tapping some acupuncture points on your body. I didnt believe it would work until i actually tried it. I have now been using it for about 4 days and 'tapping' between 5 or 6 times a day.

 

3. A good therapist and / or support network

In terms of therapist find somebody you actually respect and like - its all about personal preference.

 

The other big thing I did was to accept my emotions and not run from them, I need to work on this more but it does seem to help cutting the intensity of the emotion by half.

 

The next thing I will look at once everything settles down is EMDR, this is to address an emotionally abusive childhood.

 

I am currently reading 'Healing the Shame That Binds You (Recovery Classics) by John Bradshaw (31 Jan 2006)' - its very heavy going but it seems to resonate with my issues.

 

Again, I need to say this is what helps me and I think we all have to take our own path but I hope it helps you. You do have to suspend your disbelief on this journey - but if we want to change - we have to change.

 

Good luck and your not alone.

 

 

PS. on a ligher note watched Good Will Hunting last night - that helped.

read a book 'tuesdays with morrie by mitch albom' that helped too - a nice read.

Edited November 2, 2014 by richburn
added extra stuff

[richburn]

richburn,

I was trying to edit my post to add a bit about that...you beat me to it!

I'm of the opinion that we all do end up with "abandonment issues"; for me, it's part psychological and part spiritual. That is, a lot of it can be attributed to 'family of origin' but not all of it.

 

When we start to develop our EQ, some of the deeper-rooted issues can also start dissolving/getting unstuck...it's a gentler way in, I've found, than starting off with a psychotherapist. Then, if you do decide on therapy down the road, that experience can be a lot less traumatic.

 

That is, the skills needed to deal with abandonment and other issues, are one and the same...EQ skills. It's all about being able to handle our own crap better; whether it's how we deal with our internal crap or the crap we perceive that the external world is projecting at us.

Fixing our self-limiting beliefs, distorted ways of thinking, perceiving and interpreting events, etc., etc. To me, if we cultivate our strengths, then automatically comes more confidence, esteem, and we feel AND ARE better able to handle general life crap...and the traumatic crap that invariably comes up in therapy. (If that makes sense?)

 

It does help and it does make lots of sense. I used to think this was going ot be 'resolved in a few month's' but I think this is going to be an ongoing project for the rest of my life.. and I am ok with that. I do have to say that is many ways the break up has been very positive in terms of self development.

 

Thanks buddy.