How do you move on when you only have good memories?

[Christophe]

It has been almost 5 months now since my ex broke up with me and although I don't feel as bad as I did before I am still struggling to move on from her and wonder if I ever will be able to. I am having counselling and I hope that this will help me.

 

My question is though how do you get over an ex when all you have is good memories of them?

 

We spent 5 months together in a long distance relationship and the 5 times we were physically together were honestly perfect. We were so in love and happy when we were together. It is frustrating for me because I never got chance to see the bad side of her. I only saw the beautiful, sweet, caring, cute girl who I adored and not the bad qualities my friends tell me she has.

 

Despite knowing that she is not exactly the girl I thought, this does not really help me because I never actually saw the negatives. I feel like I will always struggle to move on from her and I still have not met anyone else who comes close to my ex.

 

How can I make practical steps to move on?

[blackcat777]

Every day I spent with my ex was heaven.

 

I was thinking about it tonight... and a huge part of how that was possible was because I have, like never before, awakened my own capacity for giving and receiving love.

 

In the end, he was closed to it.

 

But that was all me, my love. I have the power to feel those feelings again and to give that same love... it's mine. A part of me. What makes me so freaking great.

 

It's painful and mind-boggling when there wasn't a negative explosion, or something easily identifiable to cause the breakup.

 

Tonight, instead of thinking about how confusing it is, how much it hurts, or beating myself up over why the end happened... I focused on how *I* was instrumental in making it that great.

 

It's sad that he wasn't open, but I'm also open to being with someone who is open. I know that's what I want, now... experientially.

 

Focus on the goodness that is you. (Granted, it took two hard months of grief for me to get there, but if you keep the goal in mind, you'll slowly start to FEEL and experience it again.) Hugs!

[preraph]

A marriage counselor would have a field day with that because to you it was 100 percent perfect, but to her, it was time to break up. That's a big gulf there where you're not seeing the other person's perspective.

[LivingHalfAlive13]

Good question a year later, I still have that issue. No snooping, full NC seeing a counselor. I moved. This is coming from a person that was in a 5 year relationship.

[Jet Lag]

Every day I spent with my ex was heaven.

 

I was thinking about it tonight... and a huge part of how that was possible was because I have, like never before, awakened my own capacity for giving and receiving love.

 

In the end, he was closed to it.

 

But that was all me, my love. I have the power to feel those feelings again and to give that same love... it's mine. A part of me. What makes me so freaking great.

 

It's painful and mind-boggling when there wasn't a negative explosion, or something easily identifiable to cause the breakup.

 

Tonight, instead of thinking about how confusing it is, how much it hurts, or beating myself up over why the end happened... I focused on how *I* was instrumental in making it that great.

 

It's sad that he wasn't open, but I'm also open to being with someone who is open. I know that's what I want, now... experientially.

 

Focus on the goodness that is you. (Granted, it took two hard months of grief for me to get there, but if you keep the goal in mind, you'll slowly start to FEEL and experience it again.) Hugs!

 

This reminds me of my relationship. Do you think it was great for him too?

[Jet Lag]

A marriage counselor would have a field day with that because to you it was 100 percent perfect, but to her, it was time to break up. That's a big gulf there where you're not seeing the other person's perspective.

 

I've never thought of it like that. I guess that is the same for anyone who is on here who were blindsided by the end of the relationship.

 

Maybe it is because of what their ex was telling them?

[Christophe]

Thanks for the replies guys I appreciate it.

 

The thing is we both fell hard for each other and it seemed she had stronger feelings towards me even. She completely adored me. And like one of you said she awakened my capacity to love and be a truly great boyfriend to her. Something I have never experienced before with anyone else.

 

Our time together physically was so good because we had to make the most of the days we had as we were long distance. We made plans to move in together though. All the time we were together she assured me she did not care about leaving her country and coming to live with me. As long as she was with me she said she did not care where she was. It really seemed like she could not have been more head over heels with me. I guess that is what really pulled me in. I felt so great with her and planning our future and all the things we were going to do was so exciting.

 

Now she is back with her ex (who I know and our mutual friends know) is not good for her at all. She has gone cold on me. It's amazing after how close and intimate we were. She said she loved me more than anything and now it all feels so meaningless and empty. I had the best 5 months of my life with her and no matter what people say I struggle to believe I can feel that way for anyone else again.

[Christophe]

Really struggling again tonight. I miss her a lot and really want to talk to her. I am feeling pretty bleak and hopeless like I will never meet anyone like her again. Every time I go out in the evening and come back home I feel very empty and alone without her. I don't feel as though I can ever experience what I had with her again.

 

Her birthday is coming up soon too and she is just on my mind all the time.

[Lostdreams]

Christophe I'm sorry you are feeling down and would like to offer you support

 

I think you are in love with an idea and maybe not really the person - you said is was only 5 months and also a LDR not seeing each other very regularly at all

 

So yes when you met up it could only be good times - as it should be with such infrequent physical contacts. No time for routine no time to observe the other and find dislikes only pining and waiting to see her again the next time.

 

This may seem to be a very favorable set-up for a "perfect" love but it's like seeing an iceberg and not knowing what is underneath.

 

Why did she break up with you ?

[Christophe]

Thanks for your concern lostdreams. I will reply tonight when I get home from work.

[Itspointless]

Hi Christophe, I remember your story. Yes it is hard if you do not have bad things to remember. I think a ldr of a few months is the cause of that just as with me. You say you did not see her bad side, but you have, you are seeing it now: the way she became cold to you. It is the same person. We have seen Jekyll and Hyde, the extremes but not the inbetweens. We have to remember that.

[Christophe]

My ex broke up with me because she said she could not stop thinking of her ex-boyfriend (who she is now back with). They were together for 7 years before we met and have the same mutual friends and see each other every week. She said when she met me she did not care about him anymore but obviously that changed.

 

The thing is I appreciate that when you fall in love it is beautiful and perfect but it does not stay like this and it calms down as you really get to know each other and live with each other. It's just really hard for me to take that she never gave me the opportunity to experience this.

 

I can't express how great our relationship was when we were together. I have never been more certain about anyone or anything before I met her.

 

It's her birthday on 15 November and I think I will send her a short text to say happy birthday even though she ignored my last message. I just want her to remember the guy I am and that I did not forget the date of her birthday. I am not expecting a response but it's something I want to do.

 

Again despite the positive experiences of many people on here and some of my friends of finding someone else I really cannot imagine it being possible again for me to be so in sync and comfortable and confident with someone. She really brought out the best in me. The thing is I truly believed I brought out the best in her too and now she has chosen to go back to her dysfunctional relationship with her ex who who all our mutual friends know is no good for her.

 

I still have a lot of triggers that remind me of her - songs, if I see her name etc. I was at work the other day and had to send a package to her her home town in Spain and that really hit me hard. I miss the sweet, beautiful girl I fell in love with. Even if that girl is not completely real now I still miss what we had. Falling in love was the best thing that ever happened to me. It's scary to think that it may not happen again.

 

Sorry this message is not more positive just having a bit of a low day today. Thanks again for your words and encouragement guys.

[Ronni_W]

Falling in love was the best thing that ever happened to me. It's scary to think that it may not happen again.

Yes, of course it is scary to think that.

 

Now...what happens if you decide to do a mental experiment, and think that it MAY happen again? Not that it is going happen...because "of course", it won't...but just let it be an investigation that you allow your thoughts to do. Play out the "what if?" scenarios from the other side for a bit. Sometimes a break from the same-old-same-old can feel really good, even if it won't be permanent.

 

Hugs. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

[Itspointless]

Christophe, for me it is almost a year later and I still mis her. Sometimes there are factors at play we cant control. With you it was the ex, in my case her fears and way of coping. It freaking sucks, but there is nothing we can do about it.

 

You know this week I read my first girlfriend off 10 years ago is going to marry. You know what I felt? Nothing, that also is because she is not the girl I loved anymore. When I see that girl on a picture I wander back in my mind and have fond memories. Even as the end was a mess and made me a mess beyond believe.

[DirtyHairy]

Well its unfortunate when we feel down and lost and heartbroken. We tend to get very cynical and dramatic and say to ourselves "this girl was perfect I will never find anyone like her again". That's a perfectly fair and normal thought to have when you are left.

 

The thing is even if it was perfect it wasn't actually perfect. Maybe that sounds negative but think about it, you were in a long distance relationship and only got to see each other 5 times. Imagine what its going to be like when you meet someone and fall in love with someone who lives 10 minutes away from you? That will be better.

 

We've all felt this way before and its normal to want her back, trust me I get it and I've been through that before.

 

One thing you should remember tho, even if its hard to believe is there are plenty of other girls out there who have the capability to love you for exactly who you are, who make you laugh, who make you feel like the most important person in their lives, who is beautiful, successful. There's more than one person like that. Its not going to be perfect but its still going to be great and its going to warm your heart every morning when you find that special someone.

 

Just don't give up on moving on. Moving on can be the hardest thing we ever have to do, but you have to let it go to move on to the next phase in your life. Hold on to the memories, hold on to the things they taught you and grow from that but let the love you have for them go.

 

You'll be okay and I hope what I said helped and wasn't to harsh

[Christophe]

Thanks DirtyHairy and for the other responses. It really helps me to hear all of your advice.

 

Sometimes what keeps me going are romantic songs. Sometimes I listen to songs by bands like The 1975 and it does give me hope that love and romance still exists and can exist in my life once again. I relate so closely to the music because I felt that beautiful, magical feeling of being in love.

 

I went through a lot of disappointing nights before I met my ex and a few girls I met that I wanted but couldn't be with for one reason or another. I guess now I will have to go through similar bad experiences in order to meet the next love of my life. It's not always easy trying to be patient though. I am not actively seeking a girlfriend at the moment. It's not easy without anyone in my life but I am trying my best to focus on myself for now and hopefully one day I will meet someone when I least expect it.

 

I know everyone is different but I am conscious of friends who have been in long term relationships and then met someone else only a few months later. It's been 5 months since the break up for me now and I still have not come close to meeting anyone new. That's why I feel it is so difficult because I am trying not to look for love yet at the same time I am conscious of it after experiencing it and want that feeling again and I am aware of the time it is taking. It feels like catch-22.

 

Just out of interest those of you who have replied on this thread and given me advice have you met someone else after feeling the way I did and in what ways was that person similar or different to your ex? I know that I want a girl like my ex when I first met her. Beautiful, sweet, shy and caring. It just seems such a difficult combination to find these days. And then of course she has to like me back!

 

Thanks again guys I look forward to hearing from you.

[Christophe]

Tonight I feel terrible. I know it is partly my own fault because I went on Andrea's Facebook page and there was a new profile picture of her with her boyfriend.

 

I feel sick and like I will never be able to move on and let her go. I know I should block her and never look at her page or photos again but I always get pulled back somehow. Part of me does not want to let her go I think. I feel so hopeless without her. In her last text message to me she said 'You are very special'. I don't feel special at all without her. I have no proper friends to hang out with, a pretty average job and no idea where I want to go or who I want to be. I feel very lost and alone.

 

I can't take how the same girl who once adored me now could not give a **** about me. I just can't accept it somehow. I want to believe there is hope for the future but I just can't see it. I am really struggling tonight. I really feel like what is the point carrying on without her.

 

I am sorry to have to post this message I hope you will understand I feel like I need to share this because I have not felt this bad for quite a few weeks.

[Itspointless]

I am sorry to have to post this message I hope you will understand I feel like I need to share this because I have not felt this bad for quite a few weeks.

Ofcourse it is fine to post, it always is. As for facebook do what I did, just unfollow her updates, that way they wont appear on your homepage. It has been seven month I think that I last checked, since I last had contact and looked at a photo of her. I know I have to, otherwise I would drive myself insane again. Man it is still all so fresh with you. Of-course it still feels like a fresh wound. But please stop looking at her homepage. It tears the wound open again and again. Some things we can't control, but we can control if we let the wound heal. It takes time, sometimes a very long time. But with time and effort it gets better, that is one thing I can promiss you.

 

I am also sure you will find direction in your life again. But sometimes we have to wade through a lot obstacles to get there. Stay positive!

 

Try to relax for now, watch a movie or read a book.