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Death of parent vs. romantic break-up depression?


Leegh

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In reference to any of you folks who have lost a parent(s) and gone through a divorce (or romantic break-up), (not necessarily at the same time), which was harder for you to get through, and which caused you more depression? I would imagine both are very depressing, but in different ways, but does anyone have any experience or insight they would like to share on this subject?

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I won't get much into it but I've gotten over my divorce and moved on from it. The death of my grandmother, who raised me -- years have gone by and I still miss her, cry for her and still get into bouts of deep longing for her.

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I lost my younger brother (he was 21, I'm now 24) almost 5 months ago in a tragic accident. I broke up with my gf (of about 3 years) almost a month ago, I didn't want to, but it had to be done. They're both difficult in their own ways.

 

I didn't deal with the death of my brother properly and making up for it now. I'm having dreams where my ex gf is it in, but, things are different. After talking at therapy about them, its become apparent that these things that are different are actually about my brother, not my ex. The people we dream about, in most cases aren't the people we dream about, just our subconscious projecting one person/thoughts/actions/past events into another.

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I was always able to bounce back or at least put on a happy face after a break up even the guy who dumped me the night I thought he would propose & the end of a 12 year living together relationship. The deaths of my parents, within 18 months of each other, sent me into a 2+ year turmoil that I am only now starting to emerge from. When My romantic relationships ended, I still had my family. When my parents died, as an only child I feel uprooted, like nothing was connecting me to anything anymore. My husband tried, but it took time for me to really root to him. It's weird. He's my family but he's not. Not that I think we are in trouble but the logical side of me knows he could divorce me so that tie isn't really forever, the way blood & DNA are. We don't have kids so that may be part of my disconnect.

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Definitely death is harder. You can always stalk you ex on facebook.

 

Actually because if you don't know the password, there's no way to deactivate a dead person's FB page, somebody did a study / projection & soon there will be more dead people on FB then live users. So you can still FB stalk to some extend a deceased person's FB; the status doesn't change much though.

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At the beginning I thought losing him via break-up was considerably worse than losing a close family member who had passed some years ago

 

This was because he was still very much alive, breathing but had without warning deliberately chosen not to have a future with me anymore ..... whereas my dearly loved relative really had no choice in the matter and we remained loyal to each other until the end.

 

Both events are true losses and both must be grieved. I lived my unexpected break up as a shock and a very acute pain which also reflected on me and my wrong assumptions or choices. The "self" pain was much greater - but thankfully, in comparison, relatively short lived.

 

With my family loss of course I also had great pain initially but it was an inevitable, foreseeable outcome which I couldn't change or influence - I was prepared. A dull ache persists and this truest loss can never be replaced - there is simply no substitute.

 

For the break up, slowly and with time, I am taking myself out of the "why did he leave me" equation and adjusting my outlook back to my true values i.e no longer wallowing in self-pity.

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I dont want to offend anyone here as I know many of you are struggling with breakups. But having experienced severe pain from both, I kinda thing a breakup pain is almost a selfish pain - in that you are no longer with that person anymore, and that relates to you specifically. With the death of a loved one however it is a different kind of pain - yes also directly related to you, but also what that person meant to the world/could have provided to the world, you feel not only pain for yourself and your own suffering, but also pain for everyone else who knew the person, a desire to comfort other people. Seriously watching my mother cry herself to sleep over the death of my sister was actually harder than my own pain over the event.

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I dont want to offend anyone here as I know many of you are struggling with breakups. But having experienced severe pain from both, I kinda thing a breakup pain is almost a selfish pain - in that you are no longer with that person anymore, and that relates to you specifically. With the death of a loved one however it is a different kind of pain - yes also directly related to you, but also what that person meant to the world/could have provided to the world, you feel not only pain for yourself and your own suffering, but also pain for everyone else who knew the person, a desire to comfort other people. Seriously watching my mother cry herself to sleep over the death of my sister was actually harder than my own pain over the event.

 

I see what you are saying, but I don't agree that the pain after a breakup is only for yourself. My family was very upset when I broke up with my ex, and seeing me in pain caused great pain and anxiety for my mom in particular. For my mom to see me in so much pain weighed heavily on me. I felt guilt for that, and I felt guilt for bringing my ex into their lives. I also felt guilt for getting so close to my ex's son because our breakup changed a lot about his life. I also had to abruptly leave my ex's family and his friends behind, and I felt sad for that. I've always felt like me being there and then gone one day shook up their lives in a way they didn't deserve. I have no idea how they felt about it, but I can say that on my part, I did feel guilty on some level. Probably mostly for his son because I was such a huge part of his life.

 

It's interesting because my ex's dad always said that divorce is more painful than a spouse dying. I always thought that was silly, but I understand him now. All pain is personal no matter what the trauma, and a lot of it depends on the circumstances surrounding the situation. It depends on how close you were to the person who died, the person you dated, your perspective in life, how much previous trauma you have suffered. I think it all hurts, and there's no one side fits all answer.

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I don't know, I've never lost anyone close to me to death. I do, however, think that it would have been easier that my ex had died (not that I would wish that on her), than having her dump me because her departure from my life is 100% a judgment made against me.

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I don't know, I've never lost anyone close to me to death. I do, however, think that it would have been easier that my ex had died (not that I would wish that on her), than having her dump me because her departure from my life is 100% a judgment made against me.

 

Not really. It's a judgment that you & your EX are not compatible. It's not an indictment of you as a person & you shouldn't think of it that way.

 

All my EXs are great guys. They just weren't the person I was supposed to spend my life with.

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I have not personally lost a parent. I have been through a divorce. I did have a licensed counselor who was trained in grieving tell me that it is actually easier for your brain to comprehend the death of a loved one or spouse. She said that your brain can move through the grieving cycle and understand that your loved one is not coming back. When you get divorced your ex is still out there living a life (maybe a happy one) and in my case living with the women he had an affair with. Your brain has a hard time processing that your relationship is over because that person is still out there. It leaves you with a lot more wonder and thinking. She said in her experience her clients going through divorce have a tougher time with the grieving cycle.

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Not really. It's a judgment that you & your EX are not compatible. It's not an indictment of you as a person & you shouldn't think of it that way.

 

All my EXs are great guys. They just weren't the person I was supposed to spend my life with.

 

All the more confusing for me as she was talking marriage a week before she dumped me.

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LivingHalfAlive13

I feel being dumped/broken up with is harder. OH so much harder. The way I look at it is when a loved one passes, parent, sibling, relative you can accept it easier. They have died and are never coming back. But you know they passed away loving you. As for being dumped especially long term relationships or marriages? This person knew you better than anyone, emotionally, intimately, physically. You loved them, and then they leave. Still walking the earth; you loving them them not loving you. Them possibly loving and opening up to someone else. That my friend is way worse to fathom. In my opinion.

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Every situation varies but if a death has been sudden and unexpected, just because you know logically that person isnt coming back, it doesnt stop you from spending years in denial and avoidance. It isnt that easy to accept it, you can still wake up 5 10, 20 years later from a dream about that person crying your eyes out. With breakups oftentimes forgiveness enables you to move on and you can still love that person from afar, hoping they are happy. With a sudden death you are denied a lot of that process. After a breakup years later you can still send an email or call them to say they meant a lot to you and you hope they are happy. With death you cant, they might never know how much they meant to you

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I feel being dumped/broken up with is harder. OH so much harder. The way I look at it is when a loved one passes, parent, sibling, relative you can accept it easier. They have died and are never coming back. But you know they passed away loving you. As for being dumped especially long term relationships or marriages? This person knew you better than anyone, emotionally, intimately, physically. You loved them, and then they leave. Still walking the earth; you loving them them not loving you. Them possibly loving and opening up to someone else. That my friend is way worse to fathom. In my opinion.

 

Agreed 100% I loved my dear late mum and dad with all my heart but I love my wife more as we chose each other, definitely living apart from my wife this past few months is without any doubt the hardest most miserable, frightening, and depressing thing ever so much so I am not sure I will ever get over it.

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I lost my mother to ALS when I was an adolescent. A break-up for me always means reliving those feelings. But luckily I never have experienced the duration of depression again that I have experienced back then: years. For me heartbreak is unwillingly a chance to connect to old pain and work on myself.

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